Another Poem for Critique

It wasn't me!

This has already been published in a minor journal, so it's had a bit more polish than the other poem I posted, so feel free to contribute any advice you think it would benefit from, or just say whether you liked it or not. Looking back on it, it doesn't resonate with me as well as it did at the time, but that's really what poetry's all about, isn't it? Have at ye!


Romance is dead
In a world where penny-counting pedants
Squeeze a stone that will not bleed.
Tears fall and hearts break,
And hands clench into fists
Around the hearts of flint
Whereupon are struck the fires of war
With cold pragmatic steel.
Can true love melt flint heart and
Birth a drum, to whose rhythms
Twinned souls may smile and dance
Into an eternal peace?
Or must we remember the lovers,
The passion and the tears?
It falls to us
To tear our clothes
And beat our breasts
In perverse mimicry of the rhythms we miss,
As we lament to all and sundry,
And cry our doom into infinty:
"Romance is dead, and we are without
Salvation."

Insect Overlord

There's something about it that reminds me of Yeats. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing! But I do like the poem. Lots of powerful imagery in there.

It wasn't me!

Heh, everyone says Yeats alright. I see it myself.

claire h

I like it. I think at times it gets a little cliched or non-specific - tears falling, hearts breaking, etc - though I really like the idea of the birthing of a drum and the 'perverse mimicry' (which kind of makes the stuff about beating of breasts and tearing of clothes, which does run the risk of being over-the-top, really work). Also love the 'penny-counting pedants' and 'cold pragmatic steel' - nice imagery there.

Singer73

Op, the only reason people are referencing Yeats is because of the line "Romance is dead" which is reminding everyone of Yeats' line "Romantic Ireland is dead and gone" which all and sundry will remember from the Leaving, so don't get carried away with that comparison.
Hands can't clench into fists around something. If there is nothing in your hand, you can clench it into a fist.
I don't know if all the repetition works here, it seems a little forced and late nineteenth century...

Insect Overlord

Singer73 wrote: »

Op, the only reason people are referencing Yeats is because of the line "Romance is dead" which is reminding everyone of Yeats' line "Romantic Ireland is dead and gone" which all and sundry will remember from the Leaving, so don't get carried away with that comparison.

That and the fact that "In a world where penny-counting pedants
Squeeze a stone that will not bleed" sounds very like

W.B.Yeats. wrote:

But fumble in a greasy till
And add the halfpence to the pence
And prayer to shivering prayer, until
You have dried the marrow from the bone

cowan

W.B.Yeats wrote:

But fumble in a greasy till
And add the halfpence to the pence
And prayer to shivering prayer, until
You have dried the marrow from the bone

Yeats is alive and well and upping his post count on boards i see.

It wasn't me!

Singer73 wrote: »

Op, the only reason people are referencing Yeats is because of the line "Romance is dead" which is reminding everyone of Yeats' line "Romantic Ireland is dead and gone" which all and sundry will remember from the Leaving, so don't get carried away with that comparison.
Hands can't clench into fists around something. If there is nothing in your hand, you can clench it into a fist.
I don't know if all the repetition works here, it seems a little forced and late nineteenth century...

To be honest the style is quite Yeats-influenced as well.

And on a point of the language criticism, never heard of squeezing something in your fist?

Running Bing

Well before I even started I caught a glimpse of the opening line and thought "Romantic Irelands dead and gone...":D


Really like the poem though,lovely rhythm and some nice imagery.


Only slight critiscm is that maybe its a bit too Yeats like...possibly even derivative. The only reason I say that is because your clearly a good poet (and you've had work published) so its something to consider if you wanted to take it to the next level.

Just my view and I assure you I am no expert.:D

It wasn't me!

I agree. The extent to which it echoes Yeats does make me uncomfortable every so often when I read it. There's another piece around here that's a lot more individual. I can't tell the influences in it personally anyway.

owlwink

Singer73 wrote: »

Op, the only reason people are referencing Yeats is because of the line "Romance is dead" which is reminding everyone of Yeats' line "Romantic Ireland is dead and gone" which all and sundry will remember from the Leaving, so don't get carried away with that comparison.
Hands can't clench into fists around something. If there is nothing in your hand, you can clench it into a fist.
I don't know if all the repetition works here, it seems a little forced and late nineteenth century...

I would have to agree with the forced nature of it. Really desperately trying to squeeze for that blood.:pac: