Falling to pieces...

LegacyUser

I feel like I'm falling to pieces. Yesterday I travelled to Manchester to have an abortion. I feel so evil, like a murderer. Nobody knew except the father who refused to go and a really close friend. He said he would put some money in my account to pay for it but never did so my friend put it on her credit card. It was him who didn't want the baby. I'm only 19, he's 25. He texted me today to say he never wants to see me again and he likes someone else. I feel llike slowly I'm falling to pieces even as I'm typing this I can't stop crying. How can another human being be so cruel?

Oryx

I dont know how anyone can behave so cruelly, all I can think is that it is a lack of real understanding of what you are going through. I suppose unlike you he hasnt had to experience it, to him its simply an abstract problem, not the physical ordeal it was to you.

Take time to recover. Ask those you trust for help, talk to whoever you can about this. It is a huge and hard thing you have had to deal with.

Also, you are not evil. You were just handling a hard situation in the only way you could see, without the support you needed. Dont judge yourself so harshly.

lolli

Op,

You poor thing. You are best away from this man because he is a coward who cannot deal with things like this. How long were you with him? I know you feel bad about the abortion but in reality you have probably done the best thing, you will no longer be tied to this man anymore. A baby deserves a stable environment and if this man was not willing to support you, you have done the best thing. Please dont feel bad about it, you need to move on for this, perhaps you should go to see a councellor to help you deal with this.

spinandscribble

you're not evil. this guy is the one who should feel bad, not you. in the long run it might be the best thing. he wasnt going to support you and not everyone can handle something like this alone without support.

Maggie Simpson

Try not to fall to pieces - there is help available if you need someone to talk to. For what it's worth, the worst part is over....and now you can give yourself time & space to come to terms with all this.

IMO this guy sounds like an pr1ck......please try & concentrate your energy on YOU and not on him.

There are loads of conselling servies available - check out this website http://www.positiveoptions.ie

Finally, my heart goes out to you. An unwanted pregnancy at any age is a nightmare.....but you are so young. I hope you have lots of people to talk to.

Miss Fluff

First of all you are well shot of that loser.

I think its important for you to go and get professional help. Go to your local wellwoman clinic who can recommend post-termination councelling for you. You did not do anything wrong OP and you are having a tough enough time without carrying this guilt with you. Give yourself a break and chin up.

chuci

op get the counselling you need after giving yourself time to recover from this ordeal. its a horrible process to go through for anyone and your so young. your lucky to be shot of such a horrible unloving person who as it would appear is to immature and selfish to have helped you through a pregnancy not a mind raising a child.

madser

Keep your chin up, your bound to feel raw right now. Things will only get better from this time on. Look on the bright side, you've got rid of a complete tosser and you have your whole life ahead of you.:)

who_ru

OP you are just 19 years old DO NOT be hard on yourself in any way now.

take time slowly - always remind yourself that pregnancy takes two but you were left alone to deal with the consequences - if you ask me i think you are an incredibly brave person.

the guy that refused to travel with you is a shocking example of cowardice and spinelessness. trust me when i say that he is not a fit human being let alone anything else.

take time slowly now - keep a diary if you can - it can often be theraputic to write down your thoughts at times like this.

all the best and remember that you are good.

LegacyUser

Going anon, though regular poster. You are not evil. Many many women have gone through this. You will spend the next couple of weeks crying and emotional. Your hormones are adjusting.

Take good care of yourself over the coming weeks, confide in your good friend. Forget about your ex, he is not worthy of your thoughts right now.

Kelly O'Malley

You are a very brave girl and I'm SO proud of you!
You did the right thing both for yourself and the foetus.
It's your hormones that are giving you the grief right now,it's a bit like the PMT from hell but it passes.Go for the counseling if it doesn't - it's a good idea to get it from the professionals anyway.
WELL DONE!!!

LegacyUser

I was with him about 6 months and now i feel like he was just using me for one thing. The more I think about it the worse I feel, I may be 19 but there are also many other 19 yo mothers out there who manage just fine. I feel reidiculously selfish. And I'm having so much difficulty trying to get my head around all this. He claimed he loved me and then when things got a tiny bit difficult he just abandoned me. I really don't understand how he could do all of this to me and I feel completely alone. I have no idea how I am going to pay my friend back. I really don't think I could handle counselling right now. I think it would just make me feel worse... Thanks for your replies! x

bp

you are a brave young lady - other 19 year may look like they are coping alone but not all of them are. Your f*cker of an ex doesn't deserve you and if he was willing to treat you like this what kind of father would he make.

I know you think speaking to a professional would make things worse but you cannot know unless you try. Ring positive options or speak to your GP - this will definately help you in the long run, burying this is the worst thing you can do.

Pay your friend off bit by bit - open a credit union account in her name and put a small bit in each week, it will be slow but she will get her money back.

Finally you are not evil - far from it. You did what was best for you and no one can judge you unless they were in your shoes. You are brave and you will get through this. Good luck

The_Minister

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

You are a very brave girl and I'm SO proud of you!
You did the right thing both for yourself and the foetus.
It's your hormones that are giving you the grief right now,it's a bit like the PMT from hell but it passes.Go for the counseling if it doesn't - it's a good idea to get it from the professionals anyway.
WELL DONE!!!

Steady on. An abortion isn't something to clap someone on the back for, and I don't think that it is something that the OP wants congradulations for.
OP, you are just going to have to live with what you have done, and accept that you have done it. An abortion is a serious thing, and I think its a good thing that you have taken it seriously (I remember being shocked to hear one girl refer to it as being like "getting a tooth pulled"), but if you can look at your situation and say that it was the best chice, or that you had no options, then you shouldn't feel guilty. As suggested above, go to the Wellwoman clinic, talk to someone there, and let it all out.

JC 2K3

The_Minister wrote: »

An abortion is a serious thing, and I think its a good thing that you have taken it seriously (I remember being shocked to hear one girl refer to it as being like "getting a tooth pulled")

Matter of opinion really, though I don't want to start an abortion debate on PI.

Personally, I'd advise the OP to remember that she's not a murderer, she made the right choice and that she shouldn't feel guilty, selfish or "evil" in any way.

LegacyUser

u are one incredibly brave girl,i am a 20 year old mom and let me tell u ,its one of the hardest things in the world.

my bf and i live together but dont really get on with eacother and it kills me that this is happening ,i never wanted to be a single mother but looks like its the way its goin and if i could have my time again i would of done like u have,its extremly selfish to bring a child into the world into an unstable relationship,that is what i have done and i think u are amazing to have made such an unbelievably hard decision.

u poor thing,this guy sounds like a waste of space,there are alot of bad guys out there but there are also good ones and im sure one day u will find the right guy for u and then u can think about becomin a mum.
there are alot of 19 year old mums that may look like they are copin but a lot of the time this is not the case,im very good at put on a brave face in public like alot of young mothers so please dont let this fool u.
best of luck hun,im sure ull b able to work something out with ur friend with payin her back etc,u are lucky to have a friend willin to help u out like that,so focus on the good thing in ur life xx

JCB

fallingtopieces wrote: »

I feel like I'm falling to pieces. Yesterday I travelled to Manchester to have an abortion. I feel so evil, like a murderer. Nobody knew except the father who refused to go and a really close friend. He said he would put some money in my account to pay for it but never did so my friend put it on her credit card. It was him who didn't want the baby. I'm only 19, he's 25. He texted me today to say he never wants to see me again and he likes someone else. I feel llike slowly I'm falling to pieces even as I'm typing this I can't stop crying. How can another human being be so cruel?

I feel so sad reading this as it reminds me of a similar situation a friend of a friend was in a short while ago.

I think you have a legitimate reason to grieve and it's OK to be sad even angry right now. You thought you had a bright future ahead with your boyfriend and child and he imho has cruelly ruined this.

He has taken advantage of you and placed you in an awful situation so please don't consider yourself evil.

While counciling should be an option in the near future I think that a chat with someone you trust either your friend or family or even samaritans, right now, will help you with your legitimate grief.

Please don't worry about the money now. You are 19!!! You have 40 years + to work off the money.

Re: Feeling selfish, you thought perhaps that you and him were going to be a unit and thought you would raise a baby with support. When that support was not coming it is understandable that you might have thought you wouldn't be able to cope on your own.

An abortion is an unforgetable experience so it's important to take time to get to grips with it. Feeling guilty in such a situation is perfectly understandable but I think it's important for you to look forward for your own sake and to learn from this very difficult experience.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Your right THE_MINISTER, I am definatley not looking for a clap on the back, right now I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I played God with another life, How can I go on and do every day normal things knowing I aborted an innocent life. Right now I don't feel like that is even a possibility. Everyone of you is right, my ex is an absolute waste of space, in the weeks coming up to this, all he did was pick fights with me, and its only now he's not in my life, I can see he always thought the grass was greener on the other side. I am struggling to come to terms with how he has treated me for months and how I let him away with it. Which does make this entire ordeal my own fault. In Oct. I am due to live in Munich for a year as part of my degree. Right now, I really cannot see myself there. I keep picturing myself with that little baby in my arms. My friend cannot afford to carry my debt for longer than a month on her card. And I have no idea where I can find so much money in short space of time. I spent all my savings on this for next year and to make it all worse, my ex knew this and is now apparently going to Australia. Which is apparently much more important than my degree. I asked him for help through this and he told me there was nothing he could do and now we had no reason to text so he was changing his number. I cannot believe that someone at the age of 25 can act so infantile. This is all on top of my exams which I have this week and it can be safely assumed that I haven't opened a book due to a serious lack of concentration. I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts at the moment. I hate myself for acting 'happy' around everyone i know when i feel so miserable.

AARRRGH

fallingtopieces wrote: »

I feel like I'm falling to pieces. Yesterday I travelled to Manchester to have an abortion. I feel so evil, like a murderer. Nobody knew except the father who refused to go and a really close friend. He said he would put some money in my account to pay for it but never did so my friend put it on her credit card. It was him who didn't want the baby. I'm only 19, he's 25. He texted me today to say he never wants to see me again and he likes someone else. I feel llike slowly I'm falling to pieces even as I'm typing this I can't stop crying. How can another human being be so cruel?

I know a lot of girls who've had abortions. In nearly every case, the guy who got her pregnant was a total wanker.

For example, one of my friends had been with her boyfriend for 5 years. When she got pregnant he dumped her and told her to get an abortion. They haven't really spoken since.

She's fine now. For a few months after the abortion she was a bit of a mess, but like everything, time helped her get over it.

You'll be ok. Don't lock the problem away. Talk to friends, talk here, talk to a therapist. By talking about it your brain will help make sense of it and it'll be easier to move on with your life.

Beating yourself up won't change anything. So try to come to terms with what happened and move on with your life.

Keep posting here if you want.

LegacyUser

Dublindude- thanks for the offer but that wasn't why I was posting. You must have a really big heart and one of pure gold but I couldn't possibly accept it. It wouldn't feel right and this is something I'm going to have to work out on my own unfortunatly.

LegacyUser

fallingtopieces wrote: »

Your right THE_MINISTER, I am definatley not looking for a clap on the back, right now I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I played God with another life, How can I go on and do every day normal things knowing I aborted an innocent life. Right now I don't feel like that is even a possibility. Everyone of you is right, my ex is an absolute waste of space, in the weeks coming up to this, all he did was pick fights with me, and its only now he's not in my life, I can see he always thought the grass was greener on the other side. I am struggling to come to terms with how he has treated me for months and how I let him away with it. Which does make this entire ordeal my own fault. In Oct. I am due to live in Munich for a year as part of my degree. Right now, I really cannot see myself there. I keep picturing myself with that little baby in my arms. My friend cannot afford to carry my debt for longer than a month on her card. And I have no idea where I can find so much money in short space of time. I spent all my savings on this for next year and to make it all worse, my ex knew this and is now apparently going to Australia. Which is apparently much more important than my degree. I asked him for help through this and he told me there was nothing he could do and now we had no reason to text so he was changing his number. I cannot believe that someone at the age of 25 can act so infantile. This is all on top of my exams which I have this week and it can be safely assumed that I haven't opened a book due to a serious lack of concentration. I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts at the moment. I hate myself for acting 'happy' around everyone i know when i feel so miserable.

OK I hope this is helpful. You're a student so I presume in university at your age. Go to the student welfare officer, they can assist with guarantouring loans at times. I've held this position and while I don't know your college, it is a possibility but don't get your hopes up. I don't know you're financial position but ulster bank give an automatic student overdraft of 650euro that you can get sorted within the week. If I'm right that shouldn't leave you too much short, but with travel etc it may do. If you are really struggling with your exams too I'd ask the welfare officer for help. They are there for help. You can easily defer you're exams to the summer and not effect your grade especially under the circumstances. Not the most attractive option but it would help pressure. if you're worried about telling home something tell them you got a terrible bug during you're exams and got a medical cert to defer them. Try and think practically about things now, there are people there to pass on information or talk to people for you so it can make things abit easier.

give yourself time, ... if there's one thing I've learn with guilt is that only you can sort it out. People giving you advice and help is great but you have to learn to forgive yourself and that comes with time, healing and slow understanding. You'll eventually realise what you did was the right thing.

You've learnt one of lifes cruelest lessons at 19, never let anyone tell you not to trust your instincts and that guy is a creep. but I believe in Karma and one day he'll realise the extent of his damage. When he has his first child and that feeling overwhelms him, he'll experience the pain you are feeling now. You are a brave person and dont forget that.

LegacyUser

Thanks unregged333, I had my first exam today. I'm studying in UCD so deffering my exams until the summer isn't really an option. I 'd have to repeat a whole year so I thought I would take a stab at them now and maybe fingers crossed there's a possibility of passing although it is highly unlikely. At the moment concentrating on the exams is taking my mind off of what I've done.

I made an appointment to speak to the bank manager in AIB after I've finished my exams so hopefully that might sort out the financial situation. Today I was meant to have my follow up counselling appointment but I couldn't face going. I know the counsellors aren't there to judge me but I cant help thinking that I'll only judge myself more for going. I'm so ashamed of what I've done. It's always there in my head going around in my head that I played GOD with someone else's life.