Abused as child & never told or got help

nikkki

Don't know where to start all I know is I cannot speak about what happened but can write about it so don't know where to start for help. I have a lovely GP but don't think i can even approach subject with him as I was just be in a wade of tears. Hoping people can advise what to do.

Had a troubled life, suppose can never remember many happy times and our family were all distant, even to this day we find it hard to speak to each other show emotions.

My problem is I keep getting flashbacks to abuse, i can remember most parts clearly and then other parts are a blur - i can tell you where my bed was, what wallpaper i had at the time and other details.

My memories are a monkey with hairy hands would come into my bedroom - not going into detail but there a few eposides of abuse. It wasn't just the once I know that, i remember maybe 2/3 eposides - I was very young and cannot even say at what age it happened but I know it was somewhere between the ages of 6 - 9. I began to self harm, lock myself in my wardrobe and doing odd things, not what a 6+ year old should be doing so don't know if it is something that happened very frequent and it was my way of blocking it out.

My parents were odd and we never had visitors or friends stay over apart from an odd time - i have battled with flashbacks praying maybe it was a family friend who did stay over but clearer memories came back of it being my father. He is dead now which makes it even worse. I also have an awful memory of my mother walking in and being aware that something happened but nothing was said or ever mentioned.

What do I do. He is dead, my mother is alive. I am so fearful to get counselling that may discover it was an ongoing thing & know i cannot express verbally what has happened to me. I speak to my mother still, visit odd time but no way close, could not hug or kiss her if my life depended on it, even when he died i couldn't comfort her.

To top things off my first child died mid-pregnancy due to compliacations and I hit severe low with depression and atteneded physciasts but never mentioned abouse. I overcame it but since have severe anxiety, panic attacks & could never go out walking alone.

Memories just flooding back and life is at at a standstill. I did tell a friend many years back just briefly and only recently splurted out to husband but couldn't go into it and he never asked me about it since. Yet i can pour my heart out on a chatroom?

Thanks for listening.

Esel

If you can't speak to your GP, you could contact the Rape Crisis Centre. I'm sure they could give you contact details for professional counsellors in your area. Hope you do get help dealing with this. If you do go to a counsellor, be sure to mention the anxiety and panic attacks too.

bellapip

Hey Nicki,

First off, I think I should say, well done on taking the first step, you have just begun to mend yourself, and even though it may not feel like it, this is a good day for you.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss, I have no comprehension of how awful it must have been for you, but I do know that you need to mourn the loss.
You also need to mourn the loss of your memories, and then maybe make a decision.
You know in your heart of hearts that these flashbacks are causing you great anxiety, yet you are totally unsure of their origin, was it a neighbor, your dad, someone else, or was it a total fabrication of a little girl so lost lonely and afraid?
Until you decide to open the box and have a look in you will never know.

There is a chance you may never have been abused, you may just have these misplaced feelings. however, on the basis of what you have written, I am inclined to think there was enough there to give you this demon to thrash out.

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to weigh up all your options, on a sheet of paper.
The pro side the con side.....

Do I want to spend my life unsure
Do I want to question why I feel like this

Can I carry on ignoring these issues
Can I give myself the life I deserve

When you do your sheet, answer your questions.

I know it is unbelievably scary thinking about going and talking to someone, but you can not heal until you let this stuff go.

You are so vulnerable right now and you need to decide that you are worth the time and effort of living your life, until you do, you will just exist.

Tonight you have been very brave, braver than many by voicing your fears, you should be proud of yourself.
Take it one step further and allow your self the chance to heal.


Take care


B.

RedXIV

100% behind Bellapip there. You've made a good first step and while your still a good bit away from the peace you desire, the first step is the hardest and it only gets easier from here. You are not gonna like many of the options suggested to you to help you deal with this but think of them as speed bumps on the road to happiness. Talking to people about this is very important and as sympathetic as we will all be here, a professional is really required to solve these internal issues.

I wish you all the best and i hope you reach happiness soon!

only_me

You've been through a very difficult and traumatic experience, and my heart goes out to you. I know where you're coming from when you say you cant find the words to express what happened, and would not be able to discuss it verbally. I have had a similar experience, and for many years was completely unable to speak about it, even physically try to.
This doesn't mean you wont be able to find help to get yourself through this. You have taken the first step, but it will be a difficult road ahead, but it does get better, never forget that when you hit a low point, because they always, always lift. It is just a long process.
There are a lot of therapies out there, where you do not have to talk. When I decided to get help about it, I actually went to a couple of counselling sessions (that ended up in silence), so she sent me to someone she worked with, who did Reiki. It can help you start the healing process, it's a non-invasive technique, and there doesn't have to be touching. The practitioner puts their hands on or over your body during the treatment, and it basically helps to heal what has happened to you, but only when you are able to deal with it. It breaks it down bit by bit.
There are other ways of helping yourself if you are unable to talk, but that is my own personal experience, it might not be your cup of tea, but then again it might be.
I wish you all the very best of luck. I hope you find something that will help you.

LegacyUser

nikkki wrote: »

Don't know where to start all I know is I cannot speak about what happened but can write about it so don't know where to start for help. I have a lovely GP but don't think i can even approach subject with him as I was just be in a wade of tears. Hoping people can advise what to do.

Had a troubled life, suppose can never remember many happy times and our family were all distant, even to this day we find it hard to speak to each other show emotions.

My problem is I keep getting flashbacks to abuse, i can remember most parts clearly and then other parts are a blur - i can tell you where my bed was, what wallpaper i had at the time and other details.

My memories are a monkey with hairy hands would come into my bedroom - not going into detail but there a few eposides of abuse. It wasn't just the once I know that, i remember maybe 2/3 eposides - I was very young and cannot even say at what age it happened but I know it was somewhere between the ages of 6 - 9. I began to self harm, lock myself in my wardrobe and doing odd things, not what a 6+ year old should be doing so don't know if it is something that happened very frequent and it was my way of blocking it out.

My parents were odd and we never had visitors or friends stay over apart from an odd time - i have battled with flashbacks praying maybe it was a family friend who did stay over but clearer memories came back of it being my father. He is dead now which makes it even worse. I also have an awful memory of my mother walking in and being aware that something happened but nothing was said or ever mentioned.

What do I do. He is dead, my mother is alive. I am so fearful to get counselling that may discover it was an ongoing thing & know i cannot express verbally what has happened to me. I speak to my mother still, visit odd time but no way close, could not hug or kiss her if my life depended on it, even when he died i couldn't comfort her.

To top things off my first child died mid-pregnancy due to compliacations and I hit severe low with depression and atteneded physciasts but never mentioned abouse. I overcame it but since have severe anxiety, panic attacks & could never go out walking alone.

Memories just flooding back and life is at at a standstill. I did tell a friend many years back just briefly and only recently splurted out to husband but couldn't go into it and he never asked me about it since. Yet i can pour my heart out on a chatroom?

Thanks for listening.

Nikki, like you I was abused from a very young age. My understanding is because of the enormity of the crime/abuse it is pushed into the subsonscious in order to survive. Memories of the abuse that I suffered as a very small child began to surface much later in life, though thankfully not in detail. The abuse affected my confidence, selfworth and many other areas of my life, panic attacks ... Thankfully I met a wonderful understanding counsellor, through someone else who had issues not related to child abuse. I told members of my family, their attitude was that was then, get over it. Long story wont go into detail. Find a good counsellor, very importantly one that will not 'take' you back. Serves no purpose and solves nothing aside from the distress. If you want to PM me, thats ok.

Nevyn

http://www.oneinfour.ie/services/