Friend with eating disorder

@rti-shm@rti

Hi all,

I'm hoping someone maybe able to give me a little advice on a very worrying problem I have. A friend of mine told me about two years ago that she was bullimic. She's a very outgoing girl, always has one (or two) guys on the guy, works hard and plays hard. Inititally I was shocked and didn't really know what to do but did a bit of research on the subject, got some numbers for her to ring and was as encouraging as possible.

From time to time I would broach the subject with her and being a very headstrong kind of person she would generally just ignore me or change the subject. She just doesn't want to talk about it. I was advised by a support group that to tell anyone else would be fatal as she had confided in me only and that involving someone else would result in possibly pushing her further away. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

About a year ago she finally told her father, which I thought was absolutely a breakthrough but unfortunately her father's advice was to go to bed and she'd be alright in the morning. i think this completely ruined the little bit of confidence she may have had left. I know she has sporadically attended counselling but I also know the problem is ongoing, although she won't talk about it. She has basically dropped out of college and hasn't finished her degree. It seems like she's also out drinking a little bit too much and unfortunately as I had to move away with work, I can't keep an eye on her anymore like I could before. I recently found out she had confided in another friend of mine and thought perhaps the two of us together could tackle the situation but this friend appears to want to have nothing at all to do with the situation.

I'm terrified that something will happen to her but I don't want to make the situation any worse than it is. She is a girl who is extremely insecure although outwardly it appears that she has it all. She has told me recently that she has alienated herself from everyone else, apart from her boyfriend of a couple of months, who of course hasn't got a clue what's going on.

Anybody who has been in a similar situation please, any advice at all, I would be so grateful.

Mazeire

Hi OP Wow you sound like an amazing friend! Have a look at the following:

http://www.bodywhys.ie

THey are a great cowd and run both a phone line and a net counselling service so your friend would not have to talk to them face to face if she did not want to. Good luck!

@rti-shm@rti

Thanks Mazeire, I have tried giving her information on just about any organisation I can find at this stage. To be honest the softly softly approach just isn't working. I want to be supportive but I don't think my way is helping a whole pile.

She has mentioned that her counsellers suggested or recommended like a rehab centre or treatment clinic, of course it's wildly expensive which obviously is difficult to commit to in the first place when you don't want to do it and to me it seems she's more worried about what she'll tell everyone if she disappears for a month.

I suppose I'm wondering do I just bite the bullet and do the whole forcing her to actually sit dwn and talk properly about it whether she wants to or not or just keep doing the whole listening when she wants to thing?

seahorse

@rti-shm@rti wrote: »

I suppose I'm wondering do I just bite the bullet and do the whole forcing her to actually sit dwn and talk properly about it whether she wants to or not or just keep doing the whole listening when she wants to thing?

I have a relation with an eating disorder and believe me you are wasting your time. Your friend, just like my relation, will get better when SHE wants to, which may not be any time soon.

I really dont know what else to say to you and I'm sorry I couldnt have been more encouraging, but my experience of those with eating disorders is that they are so engrossed with their own negative self image and myriad insecurities that they are in a type of phsychological maze that only they can (eventually, please God) figure a way out of.

Thankfully for some that way out is realising they need treatment, but I truly believe it is not possible to point the way and that it's a realisation they have to come to on their own. If your experience is anything like mine, and you do try to force the issue, she will just tell you a pack of bald-faced lies about how healthy her eating habits are thesedays. I hope I'm wrong but this is my take on it anyway.

sharkie2008

seahorse wrote: »

I have a relation with an eating disorder and believe me you are wasting your time. Your friend, just like my relation, will get better when SHE wants to, which may not be any time soon.

unfortunately i can say from experience that this is true. all you can do now let her know you will be there for her when she is ready to ask for help. your friend needs to want the help, you can only try so hard but it is something she needs to do for herself. until she realises she needs help, nothing you say will change her behaviour

i wouldnt try forcing her to do anything shes not read for, my family did this and though they thought they were helping it only made me lie to them and hide my behaviour. im sorry i can't be more help but this is something your friend needs to want to do for herself

@rti-shm@rti

Thank you for all your advice. I suppose it isn't what I was hoping to hear though. I thought, maybe a little naively, that it could be all solved by maybe forcing her into dealing with it, although I'm not entirely sure why. I was feeling a bit frustrated as well by the fact that I wasn't actually doing anthing and I guess a bit afraid that I wasn't doing enough or that if I didn't try and sort it out it'd all just get worse.

Is there anything in particular you would advise me to say to her or do for her. Unfortunately the last couple of times we have been face to face it's been in inappropriate situations like birthday parties and weddings where it's been impossible to discuss this. I've found that after a few drinks is just about the worst time to approach her about anything that's bothering her, as it is with the majority of the population actually!!.

LegacyUser

Going unregged more to protect the person's identity. My sister had been and still is anorexic. It came on a few years ago, maybe about 5. One year she came back from a trip abroad and she had more or less become a shadow of herself. Her skin was tight, pulled against her skull. Her arms looked brittle. Her legs look like they could snap. Even her eye's had looked sunken in.

For about a year or more she would not accept that she had a problem, despite the fact that there would be nights where I would hear her making herself vomit. She would keep laxatives in her room. There would be times that she wouldn't eat. Getting to a point where she would have to be forced. My parent's went through so much with this, my mum especially. It was so hard to see her get worse and worse, getting to a point where she weighed only 6stone (or therebouts). She's 5'11. And what made it worse is that there was quite simply nothing we could do about it. Talking to her didn't help. She would just get angry, often lashing out at my poor mother for no reason. I could tell it was taking its toll as my mother was the one who would come and talk to me about it, often in tears. I couldn't say anything, though, as I didn't know what advice to give. I just listen and smiled and hugged her.

Eventually she finally admitted she had a problem and became hospitalised. First time around she had been admitted for a few months. She came out and went back to the exact same thing. After a while she got hospitalised again, this time in a speciailised institute in Dublin. She was among other bullimic and anorexic people there, some who were worse off than her (upon visiting one day I was greeted by girl's who looked like holocaust survivors. She released herself early after a few months of this on the condition that she would have had regular check-ups. My parent's were great, they would regularly visit her and my siblings would too. I was in college and so my time was regulated but I would attempt to visit her.

However upon being released, she went back into it again. About 3 years had passed since it had begun, with about a year of that being hospitalised. She kept her check-ups and one day they checked her heart-beat and noticed it was slow. Apparently a sign that it had begun to take its toll on her body. She was hospitalised again a few days afterwards. Then, and only then, did it kick in that something was seriously wrong.

After she had been discharged that time around, she changed. She realised she had to eat more and she realised she had to change. Nearly 2 years of being hospitalised didn't help. It was only her that could have helped herself. It greatly affected our family. She hasn't gotten over it fully, she will probably feel the effects for years to come but she is improving day to day. We stuck with her. Didn't lose hope. Rallied around and made sure she was ok. I took the shouting she gave me, the abuse she hurled my way, because I knew it wasn't her doing it. It was the anorexia and the resulting depression.

So my advice is that you cannot do anything to change this. Only she can. It's a mental illness more than a physical one. Be there for her. Let her know that you are.

axer

SameBoat wrote: »

So my advice is that you cannot do anything to change this. Only she can. It's a mental illness more than a physical one. Be there for her. Let her know that you are.

+1

My girlfriend is a psychologist. She has a case now of a twenty something year old who wants to achieve her "perfect" weight of 29kg. She says she doesnt mind if she has to die to achieve it.

Bulimic and anorexic people can be very manipulative to achieve what they want so be careful.

Really the best that can be acheived is that the person with the eating disorder recognises that it is a problem with which they will always have to fight with in order to be healthy. If they can truly recognise the disorder as a problem and can see that what they see is not actually the way it is then they have some chance but it is not a condition that can ever be 100% cured just a struggle that they can be at best coped with.

I feel for any family or friends that has to deal with those disorders as they are just so sad.

JuliusCaesar

@rti-shm@rti wrote: »

She has mentioned that her counsellers suggested or recommended like a rehab centre or treatment clinic, of course it's wildly expensive which obviously is difficult to commit to in the first place when you don't want to do it and to me it seems she's more worried about what she'll tell everyone if she disappears for a month.

We are all very good at coming up with reasons for avoiding doing something we don't want to do. This is just an excuse.

There are specialised units and treatment available in the HSE. St Vincents Hospital has a few eating disorder beds for free, and if she has VHI there are loads more available to her. She'll come up with reasons against this too.

Seriously, does noone *ever* vanish for a month? Or go away for a holiday? In my day, girls vanished for 9 months to 'visit relatives in the country', mar i ea.

Nevyn

http://www.bodywhys.ie/

MysticalSoul

Also the Marino Therapy Centre offer a more holistic approach www.marinotherapycentre.com. As someone who is now fully recovered, I can vouch that unless your friend is ready to accept help, all you can do is let her know that you are there for her. It has been my experience with people I have encountered, that inpatient treatment, tends to lead more focus to being on the behaviours.

Are you getting support for yourself, as that too is important.

lily lou

Ring the Bodywhys helpline yourself, they'll give you advice on what to say to your friend. I think the fact that she has admitted she has a problem is a good sign and it's the first step to recovery. She's lucky to have a friend who cares so much, good luck.