Why am I never happy?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Don't really know where to start. I'm in my late 20's, healthy, have a wonderful boyfriend, a lovely house, a great job, have done some travelling, and have some nice friends.

I'm insecure though - and am always looking for reassurance on everything - my friendships, my relationship, my job. I've got a lovely group of friends, who I know care for me, but I still feel like i'm the blacks sheep of the group - I live further away from them and always feel left out. (Jesus, I'm too old to feel like this!)

I'm always thinking the worst - if they don't immediately return my call, then they 'obviously' don't care about me. If they don't get in touch over the weekend, then they're 'obviously' doing things together behind my back. I realise that life moves on, and friendships change over time, as friends get married etc, but why do I feel like I need constant reassurance that they still care?! I know i'm the most sensitive of the group - so it's hard to figure out if I have the problem, or if they're just getting on with things and I'm just not their top priority (I know, I know!).

I'm at home alone on a Tuesday night and would love nothing more than to head out somewhere, but truth is I don't have a huge amount of friends in this area so I'm probably a wee bit lonely too.

Is it normal to feel like this? I know most of you are going to tell me to cop on, and get on with it - it's a petty problem in the grand scheme of things. It's been causing me a lot of anxiety in the past, since my friends are my life - but why can't I be happy just being me, and not having to be made feel 'popular' or 'wanted'? Maybe I'm watching too many soaps where friendships are idealised - and I feel like all friendships should be like on Friends or Home and Away.

Am I the only one who ever feels like this?

RedXIV

Sounds like you've a self esteem problem. I know a girl like that and god love her, i hear from her alot in the same way you described. Now admittedly it usually just requires 20 mins of comparing her life to mine but sometimes, like when she's in exams, i hear from her on the hour, every hour. Now like i said, she's a friend, one of my best, so i have no problem doing this for her but she can be a bit demanding and it can be hard explaining it to other halfs about her apparent dependance on me. Now she' gotten fantastic in the last while, haven't heard from her in ages, i'd say twice since xmas which is incredible for her. When i asked what changed, she said she woke up one day and was happier, no explanation, no reason, just bang, one morning, sorted.

Maybe its a mental thing, i don't know but if she did it with no therapy, no self help books, no medication, it can't be that hard right?

AARRRGH

Lots of girls have self esteem issues. It's "normal" in the sense that it's common, but it's not "normal" in the sense of being healthy or the way it's supposed to be.

I don't know what the solution is.

Therapy would certainly help.

geminilady

tbh, i think you should appreciate as you said all the things you have , nice house , boyfriend etc. If you say to ur self ill be happy if... you will always look forward to other stuff and not be happy in the present. im sure there is lots in your boat, you might be suffering self esteem issues too perhaps assertive classes might help? i joined a club this year and i feel it really helped my confidence so maybe thinking about joining a local activity, plus you get to meet all new faces.
About your friends...just a little story from my own, i was talking to this girl a while back felt like she didnt really like me at all, then met her this week and she asks for my number so were arranging to meet tomorrow. so i totally read her wrong she is actually quite shy and i was convinced she didnt like me! so now i have a new friend!
Just another tip dont be so hard on urself, hav some "me" time too, just relax in your own company with a good mag and a big cup of tea! sorry for going on abit! hope i was a little help! good luck!

Bob the Builder

I used to always have that problem when I was 13/14. Never had confidence in myself or anything, and friends didn't like me(and to this day, I still feel that way about them as they were).

You're not depressed or anything, it's a common thing amongst women, and even men at times.

What you'll have to realise though is that you can pull the strings in your own life, and should do that. You have no reputation to live to, just enjoy yourself. You know that your friends love you, but then again, you don't. Until you fix that problem within yourself, of confusion, you will make very little progress within yourself.

I know you're going to hear this a lot more in this thread, but a therapist/counsellor might be no harm. They may be able to find out why you feel the way you feel, because you'll find(just as I found), there is a reason. I wish you all the best.

Beruthiel

OP
You need to go do a Personal Development Course, find one near by and do it.
You need to build up your confidence and self esteem. It can be done, you just need to work on it.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks everyone for your suggestions and support.

I think you've all hit the nail on the head. I know i've got low self-esteem - I just need to do something about it.

Was thinking about this a bit more last night - i've clarified it a bit in my head. I think I want to be 'needed' - does that make sense? I want to be somebody's best friend - to be their first point of call if something goes wrong or they need help. I'm all this and more to my boyfriend but why isn't that good enough for me? With my current group of friends, I feel more like an 'afterthought' than somebody they'd choose to meet up with because they want to. (there I go again).

What exactly is a personal development course? Sounds interesting .....

Beruthiel

never_Happy wrote: »

What exactly is a personal development course? Sounds interesting .....

If the course is run well they will give you the skills to work on your confidence.
When you gain more confidence your self esteem goes up.
You won't feel so needy.
You will know your self worth.
You will know everyone likes you because of who you are.
You will know how great you are.
You won't feel the need for attention.

Go do something about yourself, a desperate, needy person is never attractive.
Try and find one at night which just work on you. Not the ones aimed towards business development.

How Strange

never_Happy wrote: »

With my current group of friends, I feel more like an 'afterthought' than somebody they'd choose to meet up with because they want to. (there I go again).

Could it be that you are projecting these feelings onto your friends and they are responding to them?
I think that part of a lack of self-esteem comes from being unfulfilled in your life and this isn't something friends or a bf can give you. It comes from you.

The best thing I did was change my career to something which I was good at and I enjoyed but had to work hard at to start off. That really gave me alot more confidence so much so that when the sh1t hit the fan recently in a work situation I stood my ground and refused to be bullied. I wouldn't have been so assertive a few years ago.

The personal development course really sounds good. I think that you learn tools and skills on those courses for coping with negative situations.

My only advice to you is to start doing something you think you would enjoy but which would be a personal challenge - whether it's volunteering, a course or through work or a local club for kids. Essentially something which will give you fulfillment. Once you start doing things like this you will find you won't be projecting neediness onto your friends.

justsomebloke

N.B. note long winded and probably only of use to OP (actually more myself) so please feel free to skip on

Never_Happy wrote:

Am I the only one who ever feels like this?

no, your not. How do I know that cause I would pretty much be the same as yourself, I'm not as bad as I use to be, but I in some part it is still there. One poster generalized that your problem comes from being a girl and lots of girls have self esteem issues. Well I'm a bloke, so that blows that theory out of the water.

Truthfully I'm not sure how I am going to answer the rest of your post cause in doing so I will probably reveal more about myself then I have told anyone before. I also thought about posting anonymously but in truth that would be surrendering it my past where I felt I wasn't good enough, when in fact I am and so are you.

For most of my life I was shy actually I think I have just coped on to that that shy is actually a word most people including myself use rather then stating the truth which is I was insecure in myself, and would only have a small group of friends but I was the youngest by a couple of years and also didn't go to the same school as the others. This meant that I always felt that I was missing out on large chunks of things and always felt slightly left out. also nobody from my school lived that near me so again I was felt I was missing out and that others where becoming "better" friends leaving me behind. Also it seemed that they would end up doing things with each other and that I wasn't being invited, this meant that I felt in my group that I was a friend of convenience rather then as a full part of the group. The result of this is that I wouldn't try and initiate contact with them to do stuff and so would spend more and more time alone

This insecurity lead to myself suffering from depression when I was in my mid teens.

I then started in college and went to UCD, however I was based on the Northside when most of my friends would of been southside based. By this point I really didn't have any friends from my child hood left however in my first year of college I did meet a great group of friends (including my GF who I have been happily going out with for over 10 years now) are things were good initially. In first year I would of spent a lot of time in college itself so I didn't really miss out on anything, then second year I didn't get to spend as much time in college and caused I was based on the northside as was my GF and all our other friends were based on the Southside I got to see them less and less . What should of been 3rd year I deferred the year and probably turned out to be the worst decision I ever made but at the time I felt I had to(basically exams cause me major stress and as I had to repeat exams I didn't think I would cope going straight into college). This meant that when I went back to college alot of my friends where either in the year ahead or where repeating with the year with me however where doing it externally. This again put me in the position where I felt out of the loop. This caused me to do a lot of socializing to try and feel like I fitted in, however it also led me to forget about the person who was most important in my life and that is my girlfirend. A mistake I think you may be repeating as you yourself said.

Never_Happy wrote:

It's been causing me a lot of anxiety in the past, since my friends are my life - but why can't I be happy just being me

if you reread your post, bar the point where you mention your BF at no other point do you mention him. Surely he loves you and at that point it shouldn't matter as much about your friends. Cause sooner or later you will all get on with your lifes and are going to have less and less time for each other. Yes you will all make time for each other but you won't have the same amount of time you have for each other as you do now.

Me well I have finally seen where I went wrong and that the reason these felt left out of the group is that I didn't make the time for them and also I didn't take the initiative to spend more time with them. So for now I'm trying to get rebuild the friendships I thought I had lost and although I am left with very few friends around me (most of my friends emigrated to varying countries) I am much happier and secure now knowing who is really important and knowing that other people are there for me (I just hadn't realized it). Currently with the help of boards I am also trying to build a new group of friends who are within Ireland and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but this time I am going to try and make sure that I am not the reason it doesn't work. So I know this may have been of some benefit to you and if not I reallllyyyyyyyy hope you didn't read all of it:D

TomMc

As GeminiLady said placing your happiness in the future based on x y & z coming to fruition is a lost cause. You keep changing the goalposts and life passes you by. A desire satisfied is then replaced by a bigger need (desire)thereafter. A never ending cycle. You end up conditioning yourself to be miserable. If good things happen, you may be less miserable for a while but not one bit happier. And you can only be at bliss (or happy) in the here and now. Past & future is for the birds. The present moment is the only reality.

There is a saying that been happy is more about outlook than income. So from now on look for the good and positive things all around you and with yourself on a moment to moment basis. Friendships, hobbies and been happy in your own skin is what is most fullfilling. Material things only offer a transient pick me up. Cannot satisfy long term.

Good Luck!

LegacyUser

HowStrange - there is a lot of good advice there, thanks a million. You're right about doing something fulfilling and challenging in my life - it would also help put things into perspective for me.

Jsb, thanks for your honesty. Looks like we have a lot in common! My childhood was similar. I was bullied all the way through primary school, a period in my life I've tried to block out because it was fairly miserable for me. At the age of 8 or 9, I actually remember saying to a girl once that I was surprised this other girl X was hanging around with me at the time because and i quote "I always thought she was better than me". I guess thats where my insecurities started.

Secondary school wasn't as bad, and I did make a close circle of friends, but I was always shy, and a bit of a people pleaser (probably still am to this day), I never had the confidence to be my own person. And I was never one of the 'cool gang'.

My boyfriend is the one constant in my life, and I love him dearly. It's the one relationship i don't worry about really - and i've no doubt we'll spend the rest of our lives together. I do get periods when i get insecure of course, but deep down I know he's a lifer!

TomMc, I try not to place any value on 'things' - (I've learnt that on my travels), it's relationships that 'are my life' I suppose, which is perhaps why I get so anxious about them. I can sit at home in my lovely house, watching my big tv, but still feel empty inside if I haven't seen or heard from my friends. Material things certainly don't make me happy - I know that for a fact!