Worried about my little sister

Hi all,
Just looking for a bit of advice here on what to do because its making things at home very difficult. My little sister who is 18 just broke up with her boyfriend that me and my family really liked. He was the perfect boyfriend for a little sister! Didn't drink or smoke and was seriously into his sports. I have no problem with it though because she honestly said she doesn't love him etc and I respect her maturity not to lead the poor chap on but here is the problem.

Shes back friends with this little ****er from when she was 15/16 who was her boyfriend at the time. Now this guy was the most disrespectful little **** I've ever seen in my life. When he was 14 when he was with her back then he used to come into our house and stick his feet up on the couch and smoke cigarettes.... now at first my ma and da werent' having this at all but my sister cried and complained & it became almsot a normal thing. He treated her & us like **** and my sister really was hooked on him & lost all her friends because of it. Had so many arguments with the little ****er when I'd come home with a few jars and Id tell him to get the **** out of the house etc. He'd smoke joints outside our back garden and get my little sister involved & also got her drinking & smoking...
He was from a RICH family but he got expelled from school for robbing phones... the guy was a total arsehole attention seeking joke. Anyway somehow my sister finally seen sense and they ended it but he spread rumors around her school about her which led her to try and kill herself...she also didn't eat etc. So one day I seen the guy and in a rage I pushed him and he flew back over a packed car and knocked his head. No serious damage done & I regret doing it as I didn't know my strength , I was 19 and he was 15 or so.....it was just an obvious rage .Anyway he got his older brothers who have 5-10 years on me to ring and threaten me but that got sorted after a while and he stopped saying things about my sister. Hadn't heard from the little toe rag for years until my da told me the other day that my sis was friends with him again... I was in the pub and I freaked. Couldn't believe it after all thats happened.

Im worried that my sis broke up with her previous fella because her feelings for this wanker have come back. Plus if she is seeing him I cant see her telling anyone in our family. I just dont want to see my sister being hurt again. Please help, what can I do?

Puffin

Just talk to her, ask her point blank if she is going to get back with yer man and then ask her what she remembers for the time she was with him.

note- ask her what she remembers for the time she was with him. as she starts talking, she will start remembering it, good and bad. then she will be in a stronger position to make an intelligent decision. DO NOT lecture her on what it was like. you will only talk about the bad bits/ bits that you remember/ bits that you saw and she will think you are a loving big brother, but don't have a clue what it was really like and should therefore be ignored.

in terms of the recent breakup? don't go there. you have no idea what was going on in within relationship (which is absolutely normal and fine), and you don't want to know the details. trust me.

MIN2511

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, you can advise your sister but she's an adult and has to make her own decisions.... At her age, she would make mistakes and as her older sibling you should be there for her and respect her decisions...
I know the feeling, my sister is 14 and she's very into boys older than her and sometimes i want to lock her in a cellar so no one looks at her but i can't. So i have accepted that she has to make her mistakes the same way i made mine and hopefully learn from them

MIN2511

MIN2511 wrote: »

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, you can advise your sister but she's an adult and has to make her own decisions.... At her age, she would make mistakes and as her older sibling you should be there for her and respect her decisions...
I know the feeling, my sister is 14 and she's very into boys older than her and sometimes i want to lock her in a cellar so no one looks at her but i can't. So i have accepted that she has to make her mistakes the same way i made mine and hopefully learn from them

I appreciate the response but this guy was responsible for her trying to kill herself. Well it was probably half hearted but it still had our family in bits. I cant surely let her fall into this trap again?

kittensoft1984

I have been through something similar with my sister.

She got together with this then 19 year who was bad trouble in more ways than one.

We kept telling her that he was bad news etc etc but she had to find out for herself.

Tbh there is not much you can do. She will have to find out for herself what he is like. No matter what you say it will only make matters worse.

You just need to step back and let her find out. I know it hurts like hell to see him treat her badly etc....but im afraid thats the only way she will find out.

best of luck
xxx

MIN2511

KaG1888 wrote: »

I appreciate the response but this guy was responsible for her trying to kill herself. Well it was probably half hearted but it still had our family in bits. I cant surely let her fall into this trap again?

What i am trying to say is that if you scold her for getting back with this fella you would only alienate her....
And about her sucide attempt, maybe there is more to it than you know....

My apologies if i came across wrongly what am trying to say is she's an adult and no matter what you do or say she would always make her decision at the end of the day... You can advice her but you can't stop her

MIN2511

MIN2511 wrote: »

What i am trying to say is that if you scold her for getting back with this fella you would only alienate her....
And about her sucide attempt, maybe there is more to it than you know....

My apologies if i came across wrongly what am trying to say is she's an adult and no matter what you do or say she would always make her decision at the end of the day... You can advice her but you can't stop her

Very true, the whole doing what people dont want you to do thing. Its just worrying. I was raging when my dad told me.

Wagon

I feel for you mate, but I have a sister around the same age and she's doing something pretty much along those lines. And there's nothing you can do really. People need to grow up and learn from their mistakes. Besides, if she's willing to get back with this chap after he treated her like ****e, then she herself is going through that classic phase of being a self centered pain in the hole and won't listen to reason. I'm not saying that to be bad (cos we all go through it) but to keep your distance and look out for her. When someone is 18, their older brother's advice is a joke :rolleyes: but look out for her anyway.

RedXIV

Had a similiar issue with my lil sister a few years ago, The guy she was going out with annoyed the hell out of me coz he just couldn't grasp the idea of respect, he smoked, he drank, he abused drugs, he was always doing SOMETHING!

I've alot of friends who seem nearly as protective about my sister as i am and one day while we were up and my house, as was he, one of them had an idea. He's a cop and while my sis's bf started walking back home, he drove down after him, flashed the badge and searched him. and found hash one him :eek:

He told your man he had two choices, he'd tell my dad (another cop) or he could stay away from my sis. Haven't seen him since

Overheal

Sure my sister is dating a high school dropout that poured all of his savings into growing Cannabis plants over the summer. Its not something you want your sister to be touching with a bargepole.

But short of scaring the **** out of the guy theres nothing you can do. By all means have a talk with her, sure, but the result is going to be fruitless. I doubt anything we ever say or do is going to make them realize theyre going out with the wrong people. But that really applies with everyone; hard to tell someone they've made the wrong choices and even harder to listen.

LaVidaLoca

Your sister is going through her rebeliious teenage phase.

You need to bring her from thinking of this guy as dangerous and exciting (and how cool that he pisses your parents off so much!) to thinking of him as a pain in the arse to be around.

If you try and remind her how bad he is, it'll only make him seem more attractive.

If you can get her to think of him as dull, or just beneath her cause he's thick, she'll drop him like a hot chip pan.

Dancor

Some elder brother/mob justice ftw, Dont want to be recomending violence but just have ''the chat'' with him if he gets out of hand, nothing to ruff just a warning.

4Xcut

You know what you have to do....

Mazeire

Well, I know that the guy she just dumped seemed like a knight in shining armour to you, but bear in mind you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. He may have been a great big w*nker but just better at hiding it from you and your family than the last guy.
People can change though. From what you are saying it sounds like you have not had anything to do with him for 2 years? He might have done a bit of growing up in that period. I hate the implication that anyone causes someone to attempt/commit suicide. Other than holding someone down and forcing pills down their throat it is just something i dont buy. I'm sorry its not.

kelle

Is your sister definitely going out with this guy, OP? Maybe he's just as you say a friend. As Mazeire said, maybe this guy has matured in the last 2 years.

We had a similar issue with my brother a few years ago - I'm not going to go into it as it's a long story. Basically he was left fearing for his life, and was traumatised afterwards. But we were always there for him and helped him whatever way we could and he came out unscathed. He's now happily married to a lovely girl.

I suppose the best you can do is be there for her, and try to talk to her when you sense she's troubled.

chuci

i went through a phase of going out with someone who had no ambition while i was in college. he used drugs (behind my back, coke,pills etc, and i didnt know). he drank and smoked, but so did i after going out with him. i started college when i had just turned 17 did a good leaving cert and all that. my parents warned and warned me off him but i didnt listen. your sis will prob not listen either just be there for her when it all goes wrong. from my experience people like the boy in your post rarely change. i wish id have had a bigger brother to stand up for me, when it all went pear shaped. but to be fair my younger bigger built brother did the honours.just be there for her and point out why they did break up in the first place.

Thanks for the replies lads/ladies, its appreciated.

To answer you Kelle, no I dont know if they are together for sure but it just seems strange that she dumped that other guy after having 2 years from what it looked on the outside a good relationship out of nowhere when she started talking to that little prik again? You see when see was down after all he did to her me and the family were there for her. She apologised to us continuously after they broke up for how she was when she was with him. I am just worried/slightly angry about it all. Its been about 3 years since he was around but I doubt hes changed. He was a spoilt little ****er from a rich family with no manners whatsoever and he had that fake scumbag personna. People like that really piss me off from my experience those types do not change but get worse.

My little sister is a smart girl but she is gullible & he might be acting like a totally new person to get back with her. I've seen it happen before to friends and I dont want to see it happening to my sis and her getting hurt again. I might try and have a talk with her while being calm as you guys have said. Just thinking about that little ****er makes my blood BOIL though.

Nevyn

It happens esp if she think he is her first love and her first sexual partner,
the whole complex of but but but I gave myself to him, I loved him, he must be THE ONE for me, where as he is simple the first one but it's hard to get over the fact it's infatuation and
not the real thing, really one day my prince will come gets transmuted into the 'dog' that did cum but they can't see it.
So yes girls who are struck like that go running back trying to get things to work with 'THE ONE' as some way of massaging how they felt about what happened between them.

Look hopefully she will get back with him, see that he is unsuitable and that will be the end of it and better it happens now then 5 years time tbh.