Want her back?

LegacyUser

Sorry in advance about this if it sounds stupid but just need some neutral people's opinion. I've been with my gf for 2 and a half years and I absolutely love her to bits. I brought her out for dinner on Sunday as I didn't go out with her Saturday night as I was too tired. After dinner she said she felt sick, I was worried as this continued until yesterday.
Yesterday I collected her from work and she seemed upset and said there was something she needed to tell me. I thought she was going to tell me she's pregnant because I would have never expected what she did tell me. She cheated on me that Saturday night I didn't go out with her. Kissing some guy in a nightclub, it was guilt after me bringing her out for a meal that made her sick.
No we both got very upset about it. She said she didn't want to be with me at the moment because she doesn't know if she can stay faithful. She said she cares for me too much to do that again. She told me she could never love someone as much as she loves me.
We where drifting apart and fighting a lot a couple of months ago but I felt the last couple of weeks we where as close as ever. That's what I don't understand about this all.
I am/was a good boyfriend to her. I was always there to listen, to talk, compliment her, tell her how much I loved her, everything.
I went drinking with mate last night to talk about it. He believes in faith and that everything happens for a reason. I'm really confused. I had to take the day off today because I'm still really upset. This is the first serious relationship that I've had and I've never cared about a person so much in my life. We where making plans for the near future, we have a holiday booked, been looking at moving in together and all. She has talked about marriage in the past.
Am I stupid for wanting to be with her? I always told her the worse thing she could do to me was to cheat on me, but I don't seem to care about that now. I just don't wanna lose her. I keep thinking why is it me that was begging her last night to not leave me. It should be her begging me. Is that really fúcked up?

Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Otacon

Similar thing happened to me. We broke up, we both moved on... have become frineds since. If its your first relationship. its gonna be hard but I suggest moving on, you never know, you could get lucky second time round!

Kelly O'Malley

Oh dear.
She has some work to do in terms of growing up.
Shame you are getting hurt in the process.
You are the only one who can decide if you really want to stay with her and how much damage to your future together has been done by her stupidity.
A very serious conversation has to happen between you and you need to find out what was in her head when she did this.
Don't accept the blame for it!
You didn't push her into this guy's arms!
If she has a problem with your relationship she's used a totally unacceptable method for relieving any frustrations she was feeling.
Are you brave enough to take a holiday from this relationship?
She needs time to grow up and if you're around for the process you'll get hurt some more.
If the relationship is a keeper she'll be there.
If not you're better off out of it now.
If she takes the time out to play the field - likely if she couldn't cope with one Saturday night without a man! - you're better off out of it now.
You know the answer to your question - of course it's crazy that you were the one to be pleading for the relationship to continue.
It's clear that you care a great deal for her but at what cost to you?

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

Are you brave enough to take a holiday from this relationship?

I'm not too sure if I am brave enough. I really don't want to lose her and feel that we'll drift apart more if we don't talk for a while.

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

If she takes the time out to play the field - likely if she couldn't cope with one Saturday night without a man! - you're better off out of it now.

She has never done this before, and I believe her. It was totally out of character and it wasn't done because I wasn't there, if was done because she felt we where drifting apart.

Sorry Kelly I don't mean to sound like I am attacking you and defending her but I just want to be clear about how things are so the advice given is based on factual info.

What I was thinking was that maybe after two and a half years our relationship was bad a couple of months ago because she felt trapped. Maybe her cheating on me was a good thing? It could show her how much I mean to her and she might realise she wants to be with me?

Beatlebum

m

CrazyNoob

cheated wrote: »

She said she didn't want to be with me at the moment because she doesn't know if she can stay faithful.

How nice of her!! That line alone would be enough for me, I'd give her what she wants an express ticket to absolute dumpsville
I really think you need away from her, she doesnt know when she has a good thing.

Leave her - dont beg her, jesus c'mon ffs!!- that never pretty
Begging is a no no no no no
Grow a pair, dont give her any attention what so ever!

If it was me I'd be absolutely cold to her and she would mean nothing to me.

LegacyUser

Beatlebum wrote: »

m

Why did you edit your post Beatlebum? How did things sort themselves out when this first happened to you?

LegacyUser

CrazyNoob wrote: »

How nice of her!! That line alone would be enough for me, I'd give her what she wants an express ticket to absolute dumpsville
I really think you need away from her, she doesnt know when she has a good thing.

Leave her - dont beg her, jesus c'mon ffs!!- that never pretty
Begging is a no no no no no
Grow a pair, dont give her any attention what so ever!

If it was me I'd be absolutely cold to her and she would mean nothing to me.

How can someone who you've been with for this long and love mean nothing to you so soon? All the memories we have, all the little things that remind us of each other. I don't think this has anything to do with "growing a pair". I cannot help how I feel towards this woman.

whiskeyman

It doesn't sound good.
She didn't even come looking to give an apology and wanted to be away from you as she doesn't know if she'll do it again??

It's gonna be tough, but count your lucky stars you didn't get to the point of moving in together or even marriage!!


I think you should also get some time and reevalute things.

Best of Luck.

MIN2511

People make excuses for cheating but there is no excuse for it

We don't know you and don't know your gf; what we reply is based on the information you have given us...

I think you should take a break and re examine the situation, would you want to be with someone who would rather kiss another guy than try to resolve the problems in the relationship? Would you use this against her in the future?

CrazyNoob

cheated wrote: »

How can someone who you've been with for this long and love mean nothing to you so soon? All the memories we have, all the little things that remind us of each other. I don't think this has anything to do with "growing a pair". I cannot help how I feel towards this woman.

Yes but beggin her will make you look like a sap
Its just not attractive at any stage

At the very least 'Act' as if she means nothing be cold towards her, in long run you'll have your dignity - and I will disagree but it does have to do with growing a pair - if you let yourself be treated this way, then you dont have any!

The alternative is to continue as you are - whinging and begging - I know which I'd rather be!

LaVidaLoca

to any of this.

But you've been in this relationship for 2 and a half years, and you say you're nice and kind and caring and a good guy. If this is your first relationship, Im guessing you're young, and your GF is too?

If so, is this minor infidelity on her part not caused by her thinking, **** Im only 21 and I've never felt whats it's like to be with anybody else?

If so. Its a toughie. There's no real answer to that one.

LegacyUser

LaVidaLoca wrote: »

to any of this.

But you've been in this relationship for 2 and a half years, and you say you're nice and kind and caring and a good guy. If this is your first relationship, Im guessing you're young, and your GF is too?

If so, is this minor infidelity on her part not caused by her thinking, **** Im only 21 and I've never felt whats it's like to be with anybody else?

If so. Its a toughie. There's no real answer to that one.

No it's not my first relationship, it's my first serious one. The feelings I have for this girl I have never felt for anyone else. We've both had a couple of relationships before this one.

Maybe your right in what your saying though? Maybe she just felt trapped in this relationship?

topper75

I'd try again if I was you.

Ye can put what happened that night behind ye if ye want. Don't be smug though about being a great boyfriend. I made that mistake and regret it now. Just remember it is the little things that please a girl, never the big things like we boys often think.

Ask her out for one more date and tell her she can decide after that. Make the next date different - do something fun.

seamus

OK, for a second ignore the infidelity.

Have a look at yourself and your own attitude - you're practically blaming yourself for her cheating on you. That's how it comes across. You're so terrified of losing her that you're willing to ignore anything.

I think you need a break from this relationship. You seem to be somewhat dependent on her presence and anyone will tell you that is not the basis for a solid relationship. You need some time on your own to find out what it's like on your own. It's not that bad at all, in fact plenty of aspects of it are great.
To a certain degree, she may have noticed your dependency (or maybe she's as dependent on you), and it scared her. Perhaps her actions were subconsciously deliberate; to sabotage the relationship and give her a taste of what it's like to not be dependent on someone else.

LegacyUser

Seeing as she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not should I not contact her at all? If I don't will that not look like I don't care?

AnonoBoy

Speaking from experience I would say leave it be for the moment.

I was in your position, took her back and forgave her. Then it happened again. Took her back again. etc. etc.

Everytime she'd try to make it seem like it had been someone trying it on with her and she did nothing wrong but it would eventually come out that she had been just as bad (two to tango and all that).

Not necessarily saying your gf is bad but she needs to grow up and may continue making these mistakes for a while. Do you really want to go through this every time she does?

Also if you forgive her and take her back she'll know that she can do it again and talk you around.

Much as it hurts I'd say just let her go. You'll be better off for it.

AnonoBoy

cheated wrote: »

Seeing as she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not should I not contact her at all? If I don't will that not look like I don't care?

No. It will make you seem desperate and give her the upper hand.

If she's saying she doesn't know whether you want to be with you at all then leave her to make up her mind.

BUT just because she decides she does want to be with you doesn't mean you need to take her back. (see my post above).

Also be wary of the self-deprecating line of attack. She comes at you with stuff like 'I'm no good for you. I'm not a good girlfriend/person. You deserve better.' etc. knowing that you will reassure her that she is a good person and you love her. Blah blah.

I've fallen for that one. Gets you to forgive her without even thinking about it - and then it's too hard to take it back.

Loomis

cheated wrote: »

How can someone who you've been with for this long and love mean nothing to you so soon? All the memories we have, all the little things that remind us of each other. I don't think this has anything to do with "growing a pair". I cannot help how I feel towards this woman.

None of that meant much to her when she had her tongue down another guy's throat. Why should it stop you dumping her?

Sephiroth_dude

cheated wrote: »

Seeing as she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not should I not contact her at all? If I don't will that not look like I don't care?

Dont contact her at all dude,let her do all the contacting,let her realise how much she misses you,under no circumstances contact her,be cold towards her and give her short yes no answers,if she does contact,unless its to talk about yer relationship.I made the mistake of staying in contact with people when we went on breaks and it did'nt do either of us any favours,I know your probbly feeling ****ty now,your obviously upset,but just try and do somthing with time and try not think about her,let her contact you when shes ready,hope it works out for a dude.

Kelly O'Malley

You're okay cheated,I don't feel like you're attacking me.
I'm not surprised though that I'm not alone in thinking that you need to take a break from this lady and a very hard look at the relationship.
You know the funny thing about advice?
We only take it if it agrees with what we really wanted to do in the first place!
So what is it that YOU want to happen?(Apart from the obvious - a time machine so you can go back to that Saturday and make sure none of this happened in the first place)
There's some pretty smart people on this forum - I'm sure someone will have some ideas on how to get what you want.

Chips Lovell

cheated wrote: »

She said she didn't want to be with me at the moment because she doesn't know if she can stay faithful. She said she cares for me too much to do that again. She told me she could never love someone as much as she loves me.

I'd think seriously about what she said here. Everybody will sugar coat it when they are are breaking up with someone and try to soften the blow. Usually, it's something along the lines of "it's not you, it's me". She's said she doesn't want to be with you anymore and that it's all her fault, i.e. by being unable to stay faithful. That's what I'd take away from it anyway.

LegacyUser

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

You know the funny thing about advice?
We only take it if it agrees with what we really wanted to do in the first place!
So what is it that YOU want to happen?(Apart from the obvious - a time machine so you can go back to that Saturday and make sure none of this happened in the first place)
There's some pretty smart people on this forum - I'm sure someone will have some ideas on how to get what you want.

I've always found this with advice too. You always want people to tell you to do what you want to do and you don't like any other.

People who have been in this situation before how long is it usually before they contact you? I know it's only been less than 24hours but are we talking a couple of days? Weeks? Months?

markesmith

Mate, I think you're best off going on NC - no contact. It generally works quite well. Remember, it was her who cheated, and you've no reason to feel like you're in the wrong.

But it would be best if you didn't contact her for a while, and was curt in your replies to her. By staying out of contact, you give her time to miss you, and also show her that you've got cojones.

In the end, the ball's really in her court. If she wants to get back with you, she'll be in touch. If not, it would not have worked out with all the begging & pleading in the world.

You'll find better, mate. Trust me

seamus

cheated wrote: »

People who have been in this situation before how long is it usually before they contact you? I know it's only been less than 24hours but are we talking a couple of days? Weeks? Months?

I can tell you right now, from experience, that the worst thing you can possibly do is sit on the edge of your seat waiting for the other person to make contact.

Tell yourself that she's never going to contact you again, convince yourself that it's over, this is the end and go and live your life. The more you wait for contact, the more it's going to keep on hurting.

Wagon

cheated wrote: »

She said she cares for me too much to do that again. She told me she could never love someone as much as she loves me.

:rolleyes: Typical classic guilty conscience. If she didn't, she wouldn't have done it in the first place.

I'm all for the no contact thing as well. You shouldn't feel guilty about it either. She did the cheating, she's curious about other blokes and what it's like to be with them. Understandable, human nature really. But she shouldn't be in a relationship with you in the first place in that case.

I can understand why you don't want to lose her. But you might have to for the time being. In many cases like these, the cheater will suggest to stay in touch, and that's simply to rely on you for emotional support and keep you dangling if it goes the way of the pear with other blokes. Do not, under any circumstances stay in touch, at least not for a while. She can contact you if she cares as much as she says she does.

Sorry to hear this. I hope things look up for you soon. Good luck

Mazeire

Dude.....
Well if you can take anything positive from this at least she respects you enough to be honest with you and admit that if she stayed with you she would probably cheat again and she doesn't want to mess you around anymore than she already has.
But it does npot sound like she is ready to settle down as much as you seem to be and I think that you should leave this relationship for the time being. You cant make someone do/feel stuff that they are not ready for.
It's not wrong to feel like you do. Last friday you were blissfully in love sure that the feelings were being 100% reciprocated and then had the found yanked from under you.
I agree that hanging around waiting for a call text from her is bad. I would take sometime off work if you can and if you have friends or family that live out of town go visit them. It will take you physically and emotionally out of the situation.

CrazyNoob

F*ck me, I tried to tell this guy straight up sound advice and he just doesnt get it.

Yes I speak from experience

Right now you ringing her, begging her etc is just Sad, yeah you love her thats great but if you want to come out of this with any dignity, you'll stop letting her treat you like a doormat.

She has you questioning yourself and you begging her????? IF anything she should be begging and pleading with you.

I can see this only going one-way in the future
If you wont listen to what I said listen to what seamus posted , its probably less harsh but its got some nuggets of truth

girliegirl

I feel for you OP i really do. I was actually on the other side of this many many years ago... yes yes i was the cheater.

Do i have any excuse for what i did? No.

And thats the simple answer. There's no point in looking for problems in your relationship, in you etc etc... the problems are in her and thats the end of the line. At the time all I needed was to be on my own, no amount of begging could have helped this cuz i needed time to sort out my head.

I was lucky enough, years later to get back with my ex (who i cheated on). At the start he was over the moon, then resentment set in, would i do this again etc? Luckily that stage passed for both of us, as ALOT of growing up had been done by myself and by him in the meantime. We respect each other alot more now to tell each other when there's something wrong, never go to bed on an argument and we trust each other 100%.

I am not saying for one second that this helped the relationship at all, so dont get me wrong about that. There's no formula as to how to cope with this.

All I know is that you need time as much as she does.

Liam Byrne

cheated wrote: »

I cannot help how I feel towards this woman.

So you'll accept anything, regardless of how disrespectful she's prepared to be to you ?

She's SAID she wants out; she's PROVEN she'll feck off with someone behind your back.....she's damn lucky that you're even considering sticking with her - it's YOU should be giving HER her marching orders.

But sometimes, if someone wants to make amends and promises to respect you, it can be worth overlooking one indiscretion; fact is, though, that she doesn't, and even if ye do stick together she'll be walking all over you from here on in.....

Don't sell yourself short, mate; I did for a few months last year and it took me AGES to get over it....fact is, though, it was partially my own fault coz I should've legged it as soon as I realised I was being taken for granted....

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies (sorry CrazyNoob if you thought I was ignoring you just wanted to get advice from everyone).

I'm going to stay out of contact with her until she contacts me and by then I'll have had time to think and for it to fully sink in and see how it goes from there. Does that sound like I'm doing the right thing?

I'll report back and let you's know how things went.

Thanks again.

Bob the Builder

cheated wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies (sorry CrazyNoob if you thought I was ignoring you just wanted to get advice from everyone).

I'm going to stay out of contact with her until she contacts me and by then I'll have had time to think and for it to fully sink in and see how it goes from there. Does that sound like I'm doing the right thing?

I'll report back and let you's know how things went.

Thanks again.

Good decision for the most part, don't be afraid to contact her, but just dont make reference to the relationship bit, the fire will start again between you if you have the right turf.

Don't get too worked up about it, it's a hard thing to overcome, and it's a moral thing that you had zero control over.