Numb & Confused

LegacyUser

Im not here to have a boyfriend bashing thread but i am here to see if anyone can give me a little advice on how to deal with my bf .
He is the nicest most caring man ive ever met and i love him with all my heart and all my soul, we have great fun and are best friends for the 3 years that ive known him BUT sometimes ( once every 3-4 months) we could have an argument over something small and he ends up calling the worst imaginable names, its like he is a completely different person.. after the first time it happened i was so shocked , utterly dumbfounded really..and he promised it would never happen again and then after the second time he promised the same again and now , its happened again... but its more serious this time cause someone else was there to witness it and they were shocked to the core that he could say such horrible things to me .. its like he just loses it .. more often than not it involves drink or the morning after when he is still drunk or sometimes just when he is very mad...
Its insane because on a day to day basis he would do anything for me . He knows he has a problem and he is going to a counsellor but i feel betrayed and i feel like a fool to have let myself be called all those names and then just forgiven him so easily , obviously too easily...
He feels really cut up over what happened and says he feels like a monster and has promised that he can and will change but i just dont feel as forgiving this time... i feel incredibly hurt and im afraid im going to start resenting him and it leading to the end of us which i dont want.. Do i put my faith in him once again ????

bored and tired

Id be the first for a bf bashing contest, had my fair few, but your bf is going to a councellor, he wants help,
yes he called you every name under the sun in front of someone, but this to me says that he is trying, he doesnt want it to continue and at the moment he cant control is anger, He doesnt sound like the stereotypical abuser because its not behind closed doors, hidden away from sight.

Give him a chance, support him in attending his councellor, go for relationship advise. And set up a system, whatever your comfortable with, three stikes your out, or once more and thats it

If he knows that he has a boundary that your not prepared to let him cross, that he will lose you if he doesnt keep up the work, continue going to councelling, managing his behaviour then it will help him to strive to better himself.

His councellor should be giving him anger managment technigues, breathing, counting to ten,turning around, whatever it is make sure your aware of the method, and if you are in a fight and he starts to count or whatever, then step back and dont interrupt or antagonise. Let him work through it to see if it helps,
best of luck, i hope it works out for you

wirelessdude

i have to admit that i could be your boyfriend. i too sometimes let the red mist get the better of me and at the moment am sleeping in the spare room. i feel totally awful but it cannot be anything to what she feels

seahorse

I know this will not be what you want to hear OP, but personally if it were me I would just leave. Some problems I would be willing to work through with a man; screaming roaring abuse into my face wouldnt be one of them.

Overheal

He is going to counselling to do something about it; thats something.

It sounds like that isnt the person he wants to be. But everyone gets wound up, almost persistently. The difference is how people handle it. And he's working on that.

In the mean time try and, objectively, give a thought to the things he was saying: was there anything to be learned in it? Does it reveal to you what exactly he is frustrated about?

wirelessdude

[QUOTE Does it reveal to you what exactly he is frustrated about?[/QUOTE]

That's the thing with my girlfriend she will never ever listen to the reason i give for being frustrated and i consider them very relevant

tbh

it's all about the delivery, not the message.

Here's the same message, delivered two different ways.

"I'm feeling a bit weird and overwhelmed at the moment".

"what do you mean how do I feel? I feel crap! can't you see that? you obviously just don't get it!"

The person receiving the message will give 60% of focus to the delivery, and 40% to the message.

Unfortunately, wirelessdude, the problem lies with you and your delivery, not with your OH and her interpretation skills. You need to learn the skills to deliver complex messages without getting frustrated, just like you need to learn the skills to drive, or speak French, or play guitar.

I'm not having a pop at you, I think you deserve a lot of respect for being so honest, but ultimately that honesty will get you nowhere unless you do something about it.

Beruthiel

tbh wrote: »

"I'm feeling a bit weird and overwhelmed at the moment".

"what do you mean how do I feel? I feel crap! can't you see that? you obviously just don't get it!"

The person receiving the message will give 60% of focus to the delivery, and 40% to the message.

Yup.
It all in the delivery.
Someone screaming their problem will never be listened. A calm discussion is what's required.

he is going to a counsellor but i feel betrayed and i feel like a fool to have let myself be called all those names and then just forgiven him so easily

OP
Tell him that.
Personally, if it were me, I'd be telling him that if it happens again, I'm walking.
Tell him to stick with the counsellor until it's sorted and you are willing to give him one last go before you leave.
Of course, if you give that ultimatum you will have to stick to it in order to be taken seriously.

LegacyUser

When he gets like he does , its actually insane cause there is no talking to him when he is in that mind frame... sometimes when he doesnt wanna hear or have a certain conversation he will blow up , when its drink related he needs no encouragement it could be over something ridiculous but as he goes on he gets worse and worse and more venom like..
He feels like S*it over it the next day which makes me forgive him so easily cause when i look in his eyes i no he's hurting and i see the old bf that im used to not the one that was calling me abusive hurtful names...
am due to have a conversation with him later and we havent spoke about it properly yet, i dont want to give him ultimatum but i do want him to no that i mean business this time... is there anyway of showing that other than saying im walking if it happens again ?

Beruthiel

dontnow007 wrote: »

i dont want to give him ultimatum but i do want him to no that i mean business this time... is there anyway of showing that other than saying im walking if it happens again ?

How else can you show you mean business?

LegacyUser

I dont know..i suppose i want to scare him somehow ... i want him to feel bad.. im so angry i dont no what to think . I dont want to just fall back into the same thing , forgiving him and him saying it wont happen again cause i will be just so devastated if it does happen again...im scared to trust him..

Kelly O'Malley

Beruthiel wrote: »

How else can you show you mean business?

+1!

But don't threaten it - do it.

I've seen those puppy dog eyes a few times and let me tell you girl,it's not remorse you're seeing there,it's fear of losing you.Every woman who has ever stayed in as abusive relationship has seen those eyes.

What incentive does he have to change?

He's getting away with this behaviour!

Do HIM the favour if you won't do it for yourself.

Pack your bags,tell him calmly and quietly that you'll be leaving until his therapy is working and he's given up the booze for good.

Tell him he has 6 months to straighten his act out and then you'll be back after which ONE MORE tantrum and you're gone for good.

There's a very thin line between verbal and physical abuse.You need one of those leaflets they have in Health Board offices that give you the contacts for battered women help lines coz that's what you are!

tbh

dontnow007 wrote: »

, when its drink related he needs no encouragement it could be over something ridiculous but as he goes on he gets worse and worse and more venom like..
He feels like S*it over it the next day which makes me forgive him so easily cause when i look in his eyes i no he's hurting and i see the old bf that im used to not the one that was calling me abusive hurtful names...
am due to have a conversation with him later and we havent spoke about it properly yet,

if he really felt **** about it, here's how his thought process would go

"remember the last time you got drunk? you don't want that to happen again, do you? maybe you shouldn't drink".

Now, if that thought is going through his head, and he's drinking anyway, what do you think that says about his atitude to you?

i dont want to give him ultimatum but i do want him to no that i mean business this time... is there anyway of showing that other than saying im walking if it happens again ?

Sure! have a look for a book called "Empty Threats for beginners".

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

Sure! have a look for a book called "Empty Threats for beginners".

No need to be smart , this is a serious matter to me . I love him . If i did say it , it would be an empty threat and i dont want to leave him im just extremely angry with him...

tbh

I'm not being smart. If you want to threaten him, but don't want to actually carry out your threat, it's an empty threat. Just like when he promises you it'll never happen again, and it does because he does nothing to stop it, that's an empty promise.

Look, I'm not saying you should dump the guy, if you want to stay with him, that affects no-one but yourself. But saying that you want him to change but won't leave him if he doesn't is just pointless. You should be asking for advice on how to cope with his mood swings if thats the case.

honestly tho, no offense meant.

Puffin

You 'labelled' yourself Numb & Confused.

Now we all get confused, but if a friend of yours said they were at the point of numbness about something what would you say?

LegacyUser

Ok Fair enough point taken but i never said i wanted to threaten him . I said i wanted him to feel bad and no that this time has to be different from every other time .. i personally think giving him that ultimatum would be worse for us ... i dont feel like driving another wedge between us ...

ScumLord

I don't see what the problem is. ONCE ever 3 or 4 MONTHS we throws a wobbly. Every man is entitled to throw a wobbly, we bottle things up and they all come out at once.

Best thing to do is let him at it and leave him be. He might just make sure your not around when he explodes the next time.

LegacyUser

Puffin wrote: »

You 'labelled' yourself Numb & Confused.

Now we all get confused, but if a friend of yours said they were at the point of numbness about something what would you say?

To be honest i really didnt think about it that much. This morning just before i posted i was feeling a little numb because i didnt no what to write or even if i should write anything.

tbh

dontnow007 wrote: »

Ok Fair enough point taken but i never said i wanted to threaten him . I said i wanted him to feel bad and no that this time has to be different from every other time .. i personally think giving him that ultimatum would be worse for us ... i dont feel like driving another wedge between us ...

you're not the one driving the wedge between you, he is.
you're not the one putting the relationship at risk, he is.
you're not the one with sacrifices to make, he is.
you're not the one who has behaved badly, he is.

For instance, the first time it happened, you told him how bad you felt, right? So, he KNOWS that you feel bad. Why do you have to reinforce that - "ok, NOW I feel REALLY bad". If you keep giving hime more chances, why should he change? He's probably thinking "well, if was really serious, she'd have left, or kicked me out."

He abused you. He might not have meant to do it, but he did it. Now if that had have been me, and I caused my girlfriend to feel like that, no way in a million, billion years would I ever drink again. No way. No way would I just carry on as normal without looking for professional help. No way. to be honest with you, it sounds like I'm more on your side than you are. You deserve better.

Puffin

often, it's when we aren't really thinking that our true feeling come out.



what would you say if a friend said:

in my relationship, i don't feel that i can tell him calling me revolting names is unacceptable. i feel i have to tone it down... maybe tell him it is a bit upsetting.

LegacyUser

But i dont exactly want him to give up drink , and i no as bad an all as it sounds that he wouldnt anyway ... i just want a normal relationship where we an go out and have a few drinks and if there is an argument for him to be able to deal with it properly .
Im a whimp i no but we're engaged ( i no i no less of the hissing) but we've already made a commitment and i dont want to leave . I enjoy how we are ( on a normal day ) too much..
do i think i deserve better , yes but as i said .. i love him .
im coming across pathetic arent i ?

wirelessdude

where is he going for the counselling? i want to do something about my blow outs. It's for me more so than for ms dude.

tbh

dontnow007 wrote: »

im coming across pathetic arent i ?

if you were my sister I'd be going mad, yeah. It seems to me like you think this is as good as you deserve. I wish i could make you see it's not, that's all.

AngryBadger

bored and tired wrote: »

Id be the first for a bf bashing contest, had my fair few, but your bf is going to a councellor, he wants help,
yes he called you every name under the sun in front of someone, but this to me says that he is trying, he doesnt want it to continue and at the moment he cant control is anger, He doesnt sound like the stereotypical abuser because its not behind closed doors, hidden away from sight.

Give him a chance, support him in attending his councellor, go for relationship advise. And set up a system, whatever your comfortable with, three stikes your out, or once more and thats it

If he knows that he has a boundary that your not prepared to let him cross, that he will lose you if he doesnt keep up the work, continue going to councelling, managing his behaviour then it will help him to strive to better himself.

His councellor should be giving him anger managment technigues, breathing, counting to ten,turning around, whatever it is make sure your aware of the method, and if you are in a fight and he starts to count or whatever, then step back and dont interrupt or antagonise. Let him work through it to see if it helps,
best of luck, i hope it works out for you

+1 Excellent post BTW

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

if you were my sister I'd be going mad, yeah. It seems to me like you think this is as good as you deserve. I wish i could make you see it's not, that's all.

I appreciate your concern tbh i really do, im not defending him but he is good more times than he is bad and when he is good he is very very good , he's not the most initiative kind of guy and isnt the cleverest either but he does try make up for it in other ways. He is going to a counselor in the city and honestly if that fails i will walk . This whole thing has been a real eye opener for me and im not as scared to walk away as i was before so ive taken everything on board that you all have said and i will make it crystal clear that if it happens again i will leave him and i will make it very public what he has done. He is an extremely private person so that will really hit him where it hurts.

Kooli

I know he's not physically abusing you, but it is abuse.

Imagine the situation was physical abuse, and he beat you instead of verbally abusing you. Look back over all your responses, and your defenses of him. They would apply just as well if this was physical abuse (i.e. but it's not all the time, he's usually so lovely, he feels so remorseful, he says it'll never happen again etc. etc.). I'm not saying what he did was as bad as beating you up, but I am saying your responses and defenses of him are similar to someone who is being beaten. And I'm not drawing any conclusion from that or giving you any advice, but it's something to think about.

LegacyUser

Kooli wrote: »

I know he's not physically abusing you, but it is abuse.

Imagine the situation was physical abuse, and he beat you instead of verbally abusing you. Look back over all your responses, and your defenses of him. They would apply just as well if this was physical abuse (i.e. but it's not all the time, he's usually so lovely, he feels so remorseful, he says it'll never happen again etc. etc.). I'm not saying what he did was as bad as beating you up, but I am saying your responses and defenses of him are similar to someone who is being beaten. And I'm not drawing any conclusion from that or giving you any advice, but it's something to think about.

But im not being physically abused . im hoping this verbal abuse stops here , if i dont see a huge change then im out, it may have taken me a while but i feel strong and determined for the first time in a long time , i feel i have the reigns for a change. this is going to be on my terms and im not taking any shi*t , this time - his last chance - is gonna be my way or the highway .
Thanks for all your views , you all have given me that little push that i needed. thanks i really appreciate it xx