Marital breakdown - advice please

LegacyUser

Hi there everyone,

Just looking for advice for my sister from any of you who have experienced something similar. She has been married for over 20 years, 2 grown up children (1 adult working fulltime and 1 still in secondary school). Her marriage has not been easy, she has had numerous problems with her husband. 15 years ago he gambled them into serious debt. He wnt to GA, they both worked very hard to clear his debts and they stayed together.

6 months ago she found out that he had been having an affair for many years and has a child with this woman. After the initial shock and all the rows, she agreed to give him another chance. Agreements were made about arrangements to see the 'other' child. He swore blind that he loved my sister and would do anything to stay with her. Can't live without you etc etc. She just discovered that he has been lying through his teeth. He is still in regular contact with the other woman.

It's not just that, he has my sister on the verge of insanity. He convinces her that she is paranoid, that she is imagining things and time and time again she is proved right. He tells so many lies that he really believes them himself. It is so hard for me to see this beautiful strong woman being destroyed. She has lost her self esteem, she has become aggressive and it is not her. We were not brought up that way, he came from a violent background and it is the only way he knows how to re-act when confronted. He cannot discuss things reasonably. I am not saying that he is all bad, he has many good qualities but a lot of bad ones too.

I witnessed him in full verbal abuse mode this weekend and I was shocked by his attitude. His language, the things he said about my sister were appalling. No-one deserves to be spoken to in the manner he used and all the while he was telling her that he has done nothing wrong. 'Just get over it.....etc'

She seems to have turned a corner though because she doesn't seem to care what he does now because he will say one thing and do another. She seems stronger in herself and determined to look after herself. I am not saying that she has decided to leave him but she wants to explore her options. Does anyone know how she would be fixed financially if he/she left. What would happen to the house, would she be entitled to maintenance and if so how much ? Would it all stop when her youngest reaches 18 ? Would social welfare help her out if she rented somewhere?

Sorry for rambling on but I am really worried about her.

Carrigart Exile

----- wrote: »

Hi there everyone,

Just looking for advice for my sister from any of you who have experienced something similar. She has been married for over 20 years, 2 grown up children (1 adult working fulltime and 1 still in secondary school). Her marriage has not been easy, she has had numerous problems with her husband. 15 years ago he gambled them into serious debt. He wnt to GA, they both worked very hard to clear his debts and they stayed together.

6 months ago she found out that he had been having an affair for many years and has a child with this woman. After the initial shock and all the rows, she agreed to give him another chance. Agreements were made about arrangements to see the 'other' child. He swore blind that he loved my sister and would do anything to stay with her. Can't live without you etc etc. She just discovered that he has been lying through his teeth. He is still in regular contact with the other woman.

It's not just that, he has my sister on the verge of insanity. He convinces her that she is paranoid, that she is imagining things and time and time again she is proved right. He tells so many lies that he really believes them himself. It is so hard for me to see this beautiful strong woman being destroyed. She has lost her self esteem, she has become aggressive and it is not her. We were not brought up that way, he came from a violent background and it is the only way he knows how to re-act when confronted. He cannot discuss things reasonably. I am not saying that he is all bad, he has many good qualities but a lot of bad ones too.

I witnessed him in full verbal abuse mode this weekend and I was shocked by his attitude. His language, the things he said about my sister were appalling. No-one deserves to be spoken to in the manner he used and all the while he was telling her that he has done nothing wrong. 'Just get over it.....etc'

She seems to have turned a corner though because she doesn't seem to care what he does now because he will say one thing and do another. She seems stronger in herself and determined to look after herself. I am not saying that she has decided to leave him but she wants to explore her options. Does anyone know how she would be fixed financially if he/she left. What would happen to the house, would she be entitled to maintenance and if so how much ? Would it all stop when her youngest reaches 18 ? Would social welfare help her out if she rented somewhere?

Sorry for rambling on but I am really worried about her.

Best advice for your sister would be to see a lawyer. My advice for you is to be there for your sister but please do not get dragged into slagging her husband, rubbishing him, etc. If she wants to do that fine, just listen, but please do not get involved in that yourself. These things have a nasty habit of resolving themselves and suddenly you are the bad guy for bad mouthing her husband.

Kelly O'Malley

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Best advice for your sister would be to see a lawyer. My advice for you is to be there for your sister but please do not get dragged into slagging her husband, rubbishing him, etc. If she wants to do that fine, just listen, but please do not get involved in that yourself. These things have a nasty habit of resolving themselves and suddenly you are the bad guy for bad mouthing her husband.

Spot on advice here - please take it!
Her divorce maintenance wouldn't stop when her youngest reaches 18 but child support would.
She would be put on a council housing list and until a house came up she would receive assistance with rent in private accommodation.
As for the house and any other marital property,that would be up to the courts to decide how it would be shared, Irish courts tend to be heavily biased in the wife and kids favour and her lawyers would be jumping for joy over this story!

seahorse

If there are any problems with her seeing a solicitor you should tell her to contact her local citizens advice bureau. She'll get free legal advice there.

If this were my husband I'd leave him like a shot. He fathers a secret child and she’s told to “get over it!" FFS!!!!! :eek:

Carrigart Exile

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

Spot on advice here - please take it!
Her divorce maintenance wouldn't stop when her youngest reaches 18 but child support would.
She would be put on a council housing list and until a house came up she would receive assistance with rent in private accommodation.
As for the house and any other marital property,that would be up to the courts to decide how it would be shared, Irish courts tend to be heavily biased in the wife and kids favour and her lawyers would be jumping for joy over this story!

why would a grown women with no children to support need maintenance? OP the divorce laws are indeed sexist and gender biased, however, your children are nearly adults and you may find the picture is not as rosy as is getting painted here. Best advice is speak to a solicitor.

Nevyn

The maintenance settle afforded to wifes post divorce is to compensate them if they have been the stay at home parent and support for thier spouse as well which will have lessened thier earning poteinal.

In the case where the spouse who stayed home in support was male and the spouse earning more money was female then she would have to pay him maintenace.

As for recieving assitance in private rented accomidation she won't for the first 3 moths and will have to find a landlord that will take rent alloance when she finaly gets it.
The same is the case with single parents allowance it takes 3 months for them to process it.

Her best bet is to go to her local socail welfare in her local clinc and to get in touch and get an appointment with some one via legal aid.

Dudess

Could be a very, very long time before she gets a council house that's fit to live in or not in an area affected with serious anti social behaviour.

Why should she be the one to leave? Why can't it be that bastard? He could always go live with his bit on the side...

chuci

he sounds like one of the worst people alive. tell your sister to visit a lawyer and she will get the best advice on her options. if they are not the best then why should she leave her home?she wasnt the unfaithful one and its hers and their childrens home as much as it is his. i just find it so hard to believe people this nasty and horrible exist.

jos28

Thanks everyone for the advice. It's interesting to see different viewpoints. She has not definitely decided to call it a day yet but just finding out what her options are would help her come to a decision. Thanks for the heads up on not slagging/rubbishing him. It could make things very awkward if they decided to stay together. As I said, he has some great attributes but they are hard to see at a time like this. She has made an appointment at the local civic centre to see a free legal aid solicitor. Her main concern is that his child will have some sort of entitlement to part of their house. The reason that a grown woman like my sister needs maintenance is that she gave up work to raise their children. She totallly devoted herself to her husband and children for 20 years. She remained working part time throughout this period but that seriously affects your earning power and job prospects. She will need time to retrain before she can be frinancially independent. She also has one child to get through the Leaving Cert and Third level and she wants to keep things as normal as possible. From your advice I can see that there is financial help out there. So maybe things are not so bleak. She is also going to see someone in Social Welfare this week. Perhaps they will sort this mess out and move on together. Although at the moment it is hard to imagine how, but at least she has options.
Thanks again everyone.

lushballs

Your sister might benefit from some counselling support right now also to cope with his emotionally abusive behaviour ie minimising, denying, blaming and playing the victim.

jos28

lushballs wrote: »

Your sister might benefit from some counselling support right now also to cope with his emotionally abusive behaviour ie minimising, denying, blaming and playing the victim.

Well done, thats him summed up !

JuliusCaesar

jos28 wrote: »

Her main concern is that his child will have some sort of entitlement to part of their house.

Only as an inheritance! All children are entitled to equals shares should your sister and her husband both die, as long as the kids are under 18.

PS Can't she just change the locks while he's out? Get a barring order if he's violent or abusive? (check with lawyer first though!!!)

Carrigart Exile

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

Only as an inheritance! All children are entitled to equals shares should your sister and her husband both die, as long as the kids are under 18.

PS Can't she just change the locks while he's out? Get a barring order if he's violent or abusive? (check with lawyer first though!!!)

You cannot just change the locks in a marraige, he would be entitled to call the Guards and have them break the door down. GO TO A SOLICITOR

Nevyn

It has nothing to do with a marriage, it the property is jointly own he can gain acess to it if he wishes unless there is a barring order.

Hells_Belle

minimising, denying, blaming and playing the victim

This is called gaslighting. It is very common when a partner has been caught in infidelity and is not willing to take responsibility or shoulder blame for what he or she has done.

There is a website your sister will find very useful called Surviving Infidelity. There are discussions for people dealing with marriages breaking down, making decisions to stay or go, and specific threads for people who's spouses have children outside the marriage. This is not as uncommon as you might think, and different families cope in different ways.

jos28

Hells_Belle wrote: »

minimising, denying, blaming and playing the victim

This is called gaslighting. It is very common when a partner has been caught in infidelity and is not willing to take responsibility or shoulder blame for what he or she has done.

There is a website your sister will find very useful called Surviving Infidelity. There are discussions for people dealing with marriages breaking down, making decisions to stay or go, and specific threads for people who's spouses have children outside the marriage. This is not as uncommon as you might think, and different families cope in different ways.

Gaslighting, that's a new one on me.That website sounds very helpful, I'll get her to have a look. Many thanks, Hells.