Friends with Benefits

babydoll2008

Ok long and short of it........
Meeting a guy for over the past year - never were boyfriend and girlfriend - used meet up like ever 2 weeks, were with each other for about 5 months before we slept together - i fell preg during xmas but had a miscarriage - i fell to pieces - we stopped talking - i picked myself up again and gave myself a kick in the arse and a wake up call - started to get over him - ended up meeting up in Feb again and have been meeting up since like once or twice every two weeks since but we dont have sex everytime usually just watch a dvd or a match.

Basically i want to know has anyone done the whole friends with benefits thing and if so whats the outcomes.....

A lads side of view totally welcome! Like would you keep meeting a girl for this long if you didnt have a slightest feeling for her???

Marksie

babydoll2008 wrote: »

a kick in the arse and a wake up call -

Well you have gone back to sleep again.

It IS obvious that he couldnt care ajot and sex is the only issue on his mind. When you fell pregnant he was gone...I AM sorry to hear about the miscarriage, but you should have given yourself time to heal over that before starting again.

Are you looking to get pregnant again? You know he will be gone like a shot.

Friends with benefits can work nicely, but both have to be in the mindspace for it.

I do not believe you are. You will get hurt and you will be running risks.

Maggie Simpson

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage - that's very tough, regardless of circumstances/relationship with this guy.

maybe geting involved with him isn't the smartest move? Having been through thtis whole situation together, I'd imagine that if he felt anything more than friendship - he may have made that clear. Although, maybe after all that's happened he's doing the softly softly thing. Maybe you should be clear about what you want to happen and talk to him but be prepared for hime to say he wants to be friends.

In any case, I know personally I wouldn't be over the moon about the friends with benefits thing - but each to their own.

metaoblivia

The problem with friends with benefits is that even if each party acknowledges that it's just casual, it always seems that one person still holds on to the hope that it will lead somewhere else, only to be hurt and disappointed when it doesn't.
I would tread very carefully if I were you.

babydoll2008

Oookkk firstly - NO i am so not looking to get pregnant again marksie!!! God no not for another 8/9 years!
When i fell pregnant the first time it was due to medical reasons - i was told the antibotic was out of my system by my doctor so my pill would work - it didnt.
Secondly when i had the miscarriage i pushed him away he didnt take off[looking back he went totally out of his way to do what ever he could for me]- yet i blamed him for it happening - I needed to blame someone but obviously when reality hit me i knew it wasnt his fault and i was quite shocked he was still talking to me after what i called him and told him.

I dont no about the whole clinging to hope thing tho - like i have seen him out with another girl in a club but it actually didnt bother me - i was fine - i was very surprised at myself for been ok about it too.
But the other night when he was reading through my bebo page he wasnt too impressed by the comments a boy was leaving me I got like 20 questions!

Wagon

metaoblivia wrote: »

The problem with friends with benefits is that even if each party acknowledges that it's just casual, it always seems that one person still holds on to the hope that it will lead somewhere else, only to be hurt and disappointed when it doesn't.

+1

Never done it myself, it never really appealed to me for this very reason. I'm sorry to hear of the miscarriage, but wake up, the same thing could happen again. Do you really want to risk going through all that for the sake of a few rides?

Maggie Simpson

babydoll2008 wrote: »

But the other night when he was reading through my bebo page he wasnt too impressed by the comments a boy was leaving me I got like 20 questions!

Sorry to say but this seems like clinging to hope to me. If he wants something to happen, I'd imagine he'd say so rather than getting jealous about your bebo page.

LegacyUser

Anyone that's thinking of doing it, don't do it!!!
Im in an awful situation with an F-buddy at the moment. I've known him for about a year, but I was with someone else at the time. When we broke up myself and the other guy started to hook up on a regular basis. We both knew it was just a bit of fun as we had both come out of long term relationships and weren't looking to jump into anything serious. Problem is, I've grown very very attached to him, think about him all the time, but now have discovered that he is in no way being exclusive. He never expected me to be exclusive either, but I haven't been with anyone else, just him. I know I was stupid, but its really very hard to hear. This guy is a total philanderer, I know I should tell him where to go, and stop massaging his ego, but its so hard, he made me feel so special in ways my ex never did. Although now I know it was all bull, its really ruined the good memories I have of him, knowing that he was probably hooking up with other people on the 'other' weekends!

AAaaargghhh!!

McGinty

Hi Op

Just a few questions for you to consider, do you want a friends with benefits situation? Disregard what your **** buddy wants, do you want this?

To my mind I think the friend with benefits is a load of bollocks, it is sharing your body but not allowing love to enter, its like we can **** but not love. That to me is meaningless. I am not coming at this from a holier than thou attitude, I had sex with men in the sad hope they would love me. I have since learned, love thy self and the rest will fall in to place.

Do you really just want an occasional ****, chat and no real relationship? Does committment scare you and if so why? Do you respect and care for this man, or is he a walking human dildo for you? Are you a place of release for him?

Sorry if I sound crass but personally I see the friends with benefits as crass. Would you like a committed relationship (for whatever length of time) or just this fake stuff?

LegacyUser

I'm also in a similar situation. Me and the guy have never been exclusive, but he's just got a girlfriend now and it's really hard to see him show her off while I'm kept secret. The feelings of worthlessness are creeping in and I think it's only going to get worse. I personally feel screwed, trapped and terrified of being alone.

You got out of it once. Maybe you can manage it again and work towards a normal relationship that has a slightly lower chance of decimating your self esteem.

LegacyUser

Was in a relationship then split and then came back together again. Found it difficult to pick up the pieces. In the end it did not work out but I regret not giving it more of a chance.

If you have pushed him away then he might not really know if you want him back. Only you can answer if that is a possibility.

I can't really give you advice but maybe if you try to push it a bit more - maybe meet up more often, go for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing and see what happend.

Good luck whatever you decide

seahorse

babydoll2008 wrote: »

Basically i want to know has anyone done the whole friends with benefits thing and if so whats the outcomes.....

Myself and my partner (of more than five years) started out that way OP. We'd both only just come out of long term relationships when we met and werent into jumping straight in at the deep end. Yes it did turn into a very meaningful relationship that's very precious now, but I certainly wouldnt take that as a general example for how these things are likely to go. As far as I am aware it is quite rare for them to grow into 'real' relationships. To be blunt, FWB style relationships usually end up nothing other than a head fuk.

the_syco

babydoll2008 wrote: »

i fell preg during xmas but had a miscarriage - i fell to pieces - we stopped talking

Sorry, but I feel I must be harsh here. Its probably something that you don't want to hear, but it would seem that he wants you as a f**k buddy, minus any emotional bullsh|t.

My advice would be to get rid of him, and look for a proper friend, who you'll be able to party with in the good times and support you during the bad times. Someone who disappears when you need them most, and only returns for some sex is not worth your time or energy.

How Strange

OP, this 'set-up' is a very bad idea for you emotionally. The baggage of the miscarriage means that you now have alot more emotions invested in this relationship than you did previously.

If the two of you are so good together why aren't you in a committed relationship based on love and mutual respect?

The only outcome of this scenario is your head will be f*cked up.

Do yourself a favour and cut contact with this guy. It may be hard at first but like everything else it will get easier. Give yourself a chance to meet someone you like enough to get into a relationship with.

Beruthiel

babydoll2008 wrote: »

Basically i want to know has anyone done the whole friends with benefits thing and if so whats the outcomes.....

I'm going to read between the lines here and make the leap that you are starting to have feelings for him and are hoping that this 'relationship' you are having will become more?
If that is the case, then you are going to have to sit him down and tell him how you feel.
If you continue as you are with these feelings, then the longer you go on the more hurt you will become if it doesn't work out.
Talk to him now and let the cards fall where they may.

Marksie

Beruthiel, good take, i also believe the bebo comment that the fella isn't in friends with benefits mode. He is in cake and eat it mode, quite alright for him to not be exclusive (and as long as the OP doesnt question its fine) But a cross examination when interest is shown in her?

Yep you two need to reevaluate

Gordon

babydoll2008 wrote: »

Basically i want to know has anyone done the whole friends with benefits thing and if so whats the outcomes.....

Nothing, there is no outcome to a true friends with benefits relationship. They serve a purpose and that purpose is fulfilled when it is happening.

A lads side of view totally welcome! Like would you keep meeting a girl for this long if you didnt have a slightest feeling for her???

Yes, if it was a f*ck buddy scenario, but I would have to be friends with her to do the watching movies thing with her.

axer

babydoll2008 wrote: »

Ok long and short of it........
Meeting a guy for over the past year - never were boyfriend and girlfriend - used meet up like ever 2 weeks, were with each other for about 5 months before we slept together - i fell preg during xmas but had a miscarriage - i fell to pieces - we stopped talking - i picked myself up again and gave myself a kick in the arse and a wake up call - started to get over him - ended up meeting up in Feb again and have been meeting up since like once or twice every two weeks since but we dont have sex everytime usually just watch a dvd or a match.

Basically i want to know has anyone done the whole friends with benefits thing and if so whats the outcomes.....

A lads side of view totally welcome! Like would you keep meeting a girl for this long if you didnt have a slightest feeling for her???

The question is - what do you want out of this relationship?

littlefriend

babydoll2008 wrote: »

i fell preg during xmas but had a miscarriage - i fell to pieces - we stopped talking ....
...i picked myself up again and gave myself a kick in the arse and a wake up call - started to get over him - ended up meeting up in Feb again

quote"When i fell pregnant the first time it was due to medical reasons - i was told the antibotic was out of my system by my doctor so my pill would work - it didnt"quote

---

Ok I'm prob going to get slated but this is quite an extraordinary story. I'd imagine the guy is at the very least confused. Maybe the miscarriage story has had an affect on him and he doesn't know what to do with you or his feelings. I wonder has he spoken to anyone about it.

John Mason

why would he want to be your boyfriend?

he gets to hang out and watch movies and have sex whenever he wants without any of the strings - he has a pretty sweet deal, if you ask me

Dragan

It doesn't really sound to be me like a **** buddy situation is where you need to be. Your holding out hope that this dude is gonna decide he wants to go out with you it seems. You should only really enter into these situations when you are sure you will not confuse having some fun and hanging out with that person as anything else.

I don't really agree with all the people saying you should never do it. I have had several **** buddies in the past and have never had any issue once we kept things open and honest. The key to a successful "friends with benefits" situation is to ensure you guys can still be friends after the benefits have ended.

I think what you really need right now is some time to yourself to be honest.

LaVidaLoca

Me bollix.

This is almost always a cover for a guy who wants to get laid without having to do anything.

Sorry but can somebody explain to me the difference between a friend that you sleep with, and a 'boyfriend' ?

A boyfriend is somebody that you are really good friends with who you also sleep with.

A 'friend with benefits' is either somebody you dont like that much as a friend, but who has a cute ass/is good in bed or whatever, if you liked them and the sex was good, they'd be your 'boyfriend.'

I don't understand the point of these 'friends with benefits'.

This is almost always a cover for a guy who wants to get laid without having to do anything.

I agree with this. In every one of these situations I've encountered, it was a case of the guy not being into the girl that much, not liking her enough to be a girlfriend, but alright for a shag now and again. The girl always ended up feeling used and disappointed, because no matter what she said, she was always hoping that the guy had feelings for her or wanted to take it further and it never happened. I don't know why anyone would want to be in that situation, tbh. It basically is like having a boyfriend but WITHOUT the benefits (someone who really cares about you, romantic dinners, holidays, emotional support...) Perhaps for some people it works, if they do only want to hook up with no strings attached, but they always seem to end badly.

[quote=[Deleted User];55799285]I don't understand the point of these 'friends with benefits'.



I agree with this. In every one of these situations I've encountered, it was a case of the guy not being into the girl that much, not liking her enough to be a girlfriend, but alright for a shag now and again. The girl always ended up feeling used and disappointed, because no matter what she said, she was always hoping that the guy had feelings for her or wanted to take it further and it never happened. I don't know why anyone would want to be in that situation, tbh. It basically is like having a boyfriend but WITHOUT the benefits (someone who really cares about you, romantic dinners, holidays, emotional support...) Perhaps for some people it works, if they do only want to hook up with no strings attached, but they always seem to end badly.[/QUOTE]

Personally I found the guys getting far more attached where I wanted it casual; I don't think it's fair to say it's always the girl wanting more.
Of course, it doesn't really work too well if either party wants more so... *shrug*

OP: I think you're looking for a bf not a friend with benefits; you're better off cutting this off/revaluating/etc

Well that was the case with the situations I encountered, I guess it can work both ways. It nearly always seems to end up with one person wanting more though.

chuci

metaoblivia wrote: »

The problem with friends with benefits is that even if each party acknowledges that it's just casual, it always seems that one person still holds on to the hope that it will lead somewhere else, only to be hurt and disappointed when it doesn't.
I would tread very carefully if I were you.

+1 just forget about it and move on.

LaVidaLoca

I wasnt suggesting it was always the poor wee woman who gets strung along either. It happens to guys too!

As Erica Jong said in 'Fear of Flying' "The Zipless (no -strings attached) fcuk is absolutely pure. And it is rarer than the Unicorn."

LegacyUser

Youre right, its not always the girls that get strung along, im a guy and have had one of these situations, i got too attached and developed too many feelings and bang....things fell apart rather quick.

Dragan

LaVidaLoca wrote: »

A 'friend with benefits' is either somebody you dont like that much as a friend, but who has a cute ass/is good in bed or whatever, if you liked them and the sex was good, they'd be your 'boyfriend.'

Thats total rubbish. I am currently in a "friends with benefits" situation with a good friend of mine. Why? We like sex, find each other sexually attractive and enjoy spending time with each other. This doesn't mean we want a relationship with anyone at this time, it means we like getting laid and are comfortable with each other.

Nevyn

LaVidaLoca wrote: »

Me bollix.

This is almost always a cover for a guy who wants to get laid without having to do anything.

Sorry but can somebody explain to me the difference between a friend that you sleep with, and a 'boyfriend' ?

A boyfriend is somebody that you are really good friends with who you also sleep with.

A 'friend with benefits' is either somebody you dont like that much as a friend, but who has a cute ass/is good in bed or whatever, if you liked them and the sex was good, they'd be your 'boyfriend.'

I would say there is a huge difference in the levels of intimacy and how much I let a person into my life, a **** buddy doesn't get into my life like a friend does and if they are a friend who I occasionally have sex with
then they don't' get to do romantic gestures or dates or make demands on me and my time like a bf/partner does and I don't make those demands on them.

I have long term friends that I have slept with on and off who know me really well and I know them really well, well enough never to try have a 'romantic' relationship with cos we would end up hating each other.

If you define a bf as a friend who is male that you have sex with then you are missing out on a hell of a lot of the nuances of the dynamics of that type of relationship.

AngryBadger

OP definitely sounds like he's "living in hope". You need to either have a chat with him and establish exactly where your "relationship" is going, or cut him loose. Otherwise someone's going to get hurt.

Regretful wrote: »

This guy is a total philanderer, I know I should tell him where to go, and stop massaging his ego, but its so hard, he made me feel so special in ways my ex never did. Although now I know it was all bull, its really ruined the good memories I have of him, knowing that he was probably hooking up with other people on the 'other' weekends!

At ths risk of going OT I have to comment on this.

Why are you painting this guy like some kind of deviant? You mistakenly assumed exclusivity without any reasonable basis for said assumption.

Are you saying you're ego wasn't being massaged as much as his? Doesn't sound like it.

You're right, you were stupid, but you've no place villifying this guy beause of a situation that arose entirely out of your own naivete.

Two consenting adults meet, have casual sex on a regular basis, then one suddenly decides she wants exclusivity even though that was never on the cards, so she gets bitchy....deja vu anyone?