confused and apprehensive

efmac

Hi all. I have made recently made contact with my birth mother and I have written her a letter and the agency have received a letter from her for me. So I'll be getting that this week. Anyway, according to the agency she's delighted that we've made contact and she has contacted the agency over the years to get info on me so - so far so good. She went on to marry my father and have some more children.
The thing is - the agency has told me that she has not told her other children about me. The youngest child is in their late teens. As a parent, I can understand why she would not have told them yet. But, am I right in thinking that she should tell them soon.

My partner thinks if she doesn't have any intention of telling them that I should back right away from the potential relationship.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this???

Kelly O'Malley

She knows the dynamic in her family where sadly you do not.

What expectation do you have of your relationship with her?I'm confused as to why you want to set conditions as to how she behaves before you have even met her.

I would suggest you seek counseling from someone expert in adoption issues before you meet her and decide from there whether or not to go ahead with the reunion.

Is your partner adopted too?I'd guess that your partner sees the potential for you getting hurt is high and would rather you not meet your birth parents at all.

Your partner may be seeing that you are very emotionally vulnerable,perhaps too much so to be going through with this just yet.

efmac

Thanks for your reply. I think you've got me wrong though. I have no intention of setting conditions, I'm just curious to see what other people's experiences are? As you can imagine this is all unchartered territory as far as i'm concerned. I think hearing from other people who have come across similiar situations is very interesting and can also be informative and helpful. I have absolutely no expectations of what to expect from the reunion and to be honest will probably not meet my birth mother until we have corresponded for at least six months or so.

Kelly O'Malley

Sorry for getting the wrong end of the stick!I didn't mean to offend you - it's hard to get a real handle on where a person is coming from in a brief post.
I've elected not to trace my birth parents as my motivations are not coming from the right place for the reunion to be profitable for any of us.Maybe I'm projecting that onto you.

efmac

Thanks. No need to apologise at all!! To be honest, I did keep it brief and that was because i had never posted before and felt a little awkward doing it. So i probably came across a bit dismissive which i didn't mean to be. Thanks for you interest anyway.

Confused!!!

Hi Efmac,

I have been there before, exact same situation as you where bparents got married and had kids but didnt tell them for 6 months after I met them. It all worked out OK in the end (less overwhelming meeting one person at a time) but PM me if you like for more details.

the_syco

Even though your hers, she doesn't know you, and until she knows that you're ok, and not someone to be kept at bay, she'll probably not tell her other kids about you.

Confused!!!

the_syco wrote: »

Even though your hers, she doesn't know you, and until she knows that you're ok, and not someone to be kept at bay, she'll probably not tell her other kids about you.

Not true at all, i'd be 99% certain she is just being aprehensive about her other kids' reactions to the news, and also wants to get to know you first.

MaryMagdalene

Both parents are your natural parents so I assume that it's a joint decision. Out of curiosity why do you think the decision is just the Mother's?

I know that if/when I make contact with my daughter I will have to consider my husband's opinion (he is not the natural father) on how/when to tell our children. We already differ and its not even an issue :rolleyes:

The_Conductor

the_syco wrote: »

Even though your hers, she doesn't know you, and until she knows that you're ok, and not someone to be kept at bay, she'll probably not tell her other kids about you.

I'd have to disagree with this.
Without knowing any details, and at risk of coldly analysing the situation- its very possible that she compartmentalised you in her mind, and while she may be thrilled that you have made contact, she may not be in psychological position herself where she feels safe to open to the rest of the family, and acknowledge you similar to the way in which she would acknowledge the rest of your siblings.

There is an element of fear of the unknown, confusion, worry, fear and happiness and joy- all combined along with a whole lot of other emotions bubbling under the surface.

She may also fear that you are angry with her, and be aprehensive about this (no matter how you try to reassure her to the contrary). She may also feel that your siblings may be angry towards her, rightly or wrongly- its impossible to tell.

If its feasible at all, I would suggest you try to attend some of the courses that Barnados periodically run, dealing with reunions and all their possible outcomes.

Finally- congratulations- you must be over the moon!!!!

efmac

Thanks for all the replies. To be honest, I was just putting my story out there to see if anyone had come across a similiar situation. As I said, as a parent i totally understand why she wouldn't have told her children up til now as the youngest is still in his late teens. I'm interested to know going forward into the future what people have done in situations like this.

Of course, to a large degree, its a joint decision. I have met with a social worker who was appointed to me by the agency. She has been very helpful.

Again, thanks for your interest,

Puffin

One thing that has served me very well through life-

Try moving the same dynamics into different situations and see how it ‘feels’.

So…

A 13 year old turns to their friends and says ‘um… when my primary school friends are around could we pretend that we aren’t actually friends… it’s just they don’t know you and it’s weird’
Is this situation OK? Is the friend justified in saying ‘no, that’s not OK. I expect you to introduce me and I’ll get to know them.’

A 17 year old waiter/waitress turns to the restaurateur and says ‘tonight I don’t want to go onto the restaurant floor and been seen waiting tables because, to be honest, I’m a bit embarrassed to be working for you… I’m going to college and I’m going to get a real job’.
Is this situation OK? Is the restaurateur justified in saying ‘no, that’s not OK. You approached me asking for a job, you accepted the money I paid you, now I expect you to be open about the fact you work at my restaurant’.

A 25 year old turns to their boy/girlfriend and says ‘I’m happy to move in with you but I don’t’ want to tell my parents. You see, they’re really picky and have these silly standards… it’ll just cause a heap of fuss’.
Is this situation OK? Is the boy/girlfriends justified saying ‘no that’s not OK. I’m mean to be your partner. You have said you want to move in with me. I expect you to acknowledge that to your parents’.

Do I need to write ‘ a forty something woman turns to the (now) adult she gave for adoption and says…?

And no, the fact she has more children... it's very emotional... people can be judgemental etc doesn't lessen her responsibilities. Life is hard, all people have needs and are emotional, all people are vulnerable to judgement. She had opportunities and made choices and she should be overly aware that actions have consequences. Now she has to decide. She can either deny you further and ruin any chance of a genuine, honest relationship with you and her other children OR she can face her fears, and she that while she is not perfect, she is an honest and open person.

The_Conductor

Puffin wrote: »

while she is not perfect, she is an honest and open person.

Puffin- I'd have disagree with the final sentiment of your post.
The big problem that most of us have battled throughout our lives is that the situation is not a situation which lends itself to openness. Ireland is an incredibly narrowminded country- towards anything that is seen as different from the norm. In school adopted kids (in the past anyway) were often held up by teachers as examples to other kids, and made to feel lucky that we were adopted that we would be in bad situations otherwise. This sort of thing would be from otherwise reasonable teachers. Being made to feel different and want to hide from the other kids, and picked on and bullied because of perceived differences do impact on you as a person, and you become introverted and insular yourself, compounding the spiral.

Similarly adoptive parents while open about adoption with their adopted children often tried to pass them off as their own children in public, leaving the child torn about the situation, wondering what-if, wishing they really were their "real" child, and doing their utmost to please their adoptive parents and others, to try to make themselves feel more wanted in their own minds.

Birthmums would have been told that they sinned and giving up their baby is a punishment, but its an event that is then closed, and they don't have to worry about it anymore (totally ignoring the social and economic difficulties a child would bring), many may not tell their partners or husbands their secret until they trusted them fully, and even then, its easier to keep quiet.

The underlying thread throughout all of this- is lack of openness on the part of everyone involved in the process. Adopted people made to feel as though they have to justify being alive at all, and should be grateful for whatever situation they find themselves in. Adoptive parents handed a child wrapped up in bundle with a miraculous medal pinned to their clothing, and no instuctions on how to take proper care of their miracle babies. Birthmums made to feel like their children are dirty secrets that no-one should ever find out about.

In this context decisions that were made by the different parties, cannot be seen to be choices- for anyone. Public sentiment, both in bygone days but often even now, simply serves to reinforce this lack of choice- people doing what they had to do.

This very lack of openness, the hurt, a history of hiding the past, is not something that anyone can get over, even when elements of the past, aka, you or I, turn up and would love nothing more than even a simple acknowledgement from our birthmothers. Even the smallest gesture can be massive when there is the threat of nothing happening at all.

Any of the older adopted people who even tried to find out information for any reason whatsoever (even on health grounds), were made feel by adoption agencies that we were ungrateful towards our adoptive families, and that there are many many more adopted people out there in far worse situations than us. This attitude was successful for the most part in discouraging all but the very stubborn and persistent, from continuing to ask questions which were deemed unhealthy. Progressive adoptive parents who really cared about their children, but also about their birthmothers, and went to a lot of trouble to leave photographs of their children as they grew up along with letters describing their lives with their children, are finding those letters often got no further than a storage box in a back room at the agency. Birthmums who contacted the agencies were uncermoniously sent to their local parish priests for talks on how what they were doing was wrong, or in some cases effectively institutionalised.

I suppose my post is a different version of your post, suggesting that you put yourself in the different boots of the different people involved. It won't solve any problems for anyone- but it may help slightly by getting a better understanding of just where the other person is coming from, and the hurdles they have to try to overcome just to acknowledge what is there standing in front of them.

MaryMagdalene

Puffin - if only life WAS so black and white. However, its not. I started a new thread tittled "Why Won't My Mother Meet Me?" by Carole Anderson. I think it puts what I can't into words.

Efmac I hope it helps you to understand what your natural mother may be going through and the complexities of her situation.

mosse

Hi!! I'm new to boards.ie but I saw your post about your birth mum etc.. I traced my birth mum about fifteen years ago now and to this day her husband (not my birth dad) and her three boys don't know that I exist. I havn't seen her for about twelve years now because she has a 23 year old down syndrome child and is tied very much to the house. She did ask me a few months after I made direct contact with her that if I really wanted it she would tell her husband, but I said that was her decision and that I had no right to demand her to do anything! So in the end she didnt tell him or her boys, all of whom are in thier twenties now - but I respect her choice even though it is very hard. She only rings on my birthday and Christmas (which is more than I had before I found her) but I would love to see more of her and for her to meet her three find grandsons, whom she will probably never meet. The thing that really bothers me is that if anything ever happened her I would never know about it as none of them know I exist - which I think is sad!!
I'd love to know how you got on since if you feel like sharing!!
If not take care and the best of luck!!!

Ostrom

I am in a similar position now, have made contact with my birth mother, but she has not told her kids (3, 11 and 12 years old). I am 24, with much less at stake than her right now, so I am happy to let her lead; obviously my circumstaces are different. I am worried she hasnt told them, and she knows where I stand, but I know she needs to take time with it.

I am fine, she is doing well, the priority has to be her children

mosse

I think your right to give her space, it would be a huge thing for any mother to do, I would find it hard to do with my three boys, although I feel quite confident that they would be understanding and quite excited about it. I guess we also have to bear in mind that these women carry a huge burden of guilt and shame with them, mostly brought on by the catholic church, i know my birth mum does anyway, I was born back in 1964 and when I made contact with her fifteen years ago, she wouldnt go out of the house for a few days because she thought everybody had found out her bad secret, she even felt that having her down-syndrome child was a punishment from god for what she did!!! Its pityful in a way but understandable for the time she went through, so I left the decision to tell her kids and hubby up to her and she choose not to, so I have to respect that even though I wish it were different!!

Ostrom

mosse wrote: »

I think your right to give her space, it would be a huge thing for any mother to do, I would find it hard to do with my three boys, although I feel quite confident that they would be understanding and quite excited about it. I guess we also have to bear in mind that these women carry a huge burden of guilt and shame with them, mostly brought on by the catholic church, i know my birth mum does anyway, I was born back in 1964 and when I made contact with her fifteen years ago, she wouldnt go out of the house for a few days because she thought everybody had found out her bad secret, she even felt that having her down-syndrome child was a punishment from god for what she did!!! Its pityful in a way but understandable for the time she went through, so I left the decision to tell her kids and hubby up to her and she choose not to, so I have to respect that even though I wish it were different!!

Its amazing how quicly things seem to have changed (not from experience, from talking to my bmom)

kathy finn

why don,t you wait and see what happens, don,t try and guess why she did,nt tell her children.
when you meet her ask her, be honest with her from the start.
im sure she,s just afraid how they will react, it,s more likely they will be a bit put out that there mother kept this secret from them all these years.
enjoy your reunion with your birthmother, i,d love to be in your position....kathy