Feelings for ex

LegacyUser

So here we go again, another thread about still having feelings for an ex... Sorry!

He's my ex of 6 years, we were together for 2, and I still think about him all the time. I have done so for all of the six years and I'm in the throes of a 'majorally thinking about him all the time' period right now, maybe because it was his birthday recently.

We're from the same locality but both live away from home for work so we rarely see each other but when we do (one of us is usually with our partners at the time), it's like there's 'an understanding' in our eye contact that we love each other - difficult to explain. We're both 27.

I have a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years who I love to bits but am not 'in love' with, the r'ship is very unbalanced and I feel like his mother/advisor most of the time, sex is non-existent and I actually don't mind as I don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore. He wants to do the 'marriage and kids' thing with me but I dont' see it happening - in fact I dont' see the relationship lasting much longer and I know that's going to hurt him like hell so I've delayed the end, not wise I know.

I have seen numerous guys over the years and my ex has a girlfriend now and has seen numerous girls. All through my time with any guy, I've always thought that there is one person I'd give them up for - my ex.

I can't make long term plans with anyone because I don't want to make a mistake and jeopardise my future with my ex- and my gut feeling is telling me that we'll get back together. Logic of course tells me that if it hasn't happened in 6 years it's not going to happen and I know if I was reading this post, I'd be saying 'what a stupid, delluded silly cow this is'.. Maybe I am but I can't help it. I can't help how I feel.

I have really tried to get over him - we're not in regular contact, I've done the Oz thing for a year, started a new course which I love and am nearly finished. I feel like my life is moving forward positively in every way except my heart isn't or can't.

So, if he was so right for me, why did we break up? Well, I ended it and it broke his heart. There was something not right in my life at the time, I was in a course that I hated and something had to give - unfortunately it was him. It was painful for us both but I thought it was the right thing to do. I've since realised that what was wrong with me was depression (I have been treated for this and am no longer on meds), he wasn't wrong. What a huge mistake.

I'm not sure why I'm posting here - to get things off my chest really (I haven't admitted these feelings to any friends for at least 3 years), maybe to be told to cop the f on, maybe to be told to contact him, maybe to be told nothing.. I don't know what I'd say to myself really because it's heart v logic.

I sometimes have dreams about him and I wake up so happy from them but this is a betrayal to my current boyfriend - I'd hate to think that he was dreaming about his ex.

I don't think I can contact him to tell him how I feel because I think it would be a bit nuts, and he has a girlfriend. I suppose I'll just have to hanker on.. take it one day at a time.. see what happens or doesn't happen. The main step I need to take is sorting out or ending my current relationship - although in my head and heart I feel like it has ended a long time ago and we're just going 'through the motions'.

If you've read this far, thanks, and sorry for wrecking your head! It's enough that this has mine wrecked!

Off I go now to read through the other thread about feelings for ex.. maybe I should have posted there but I didn't want to 'hijack' the thread and I'm not qualified to offer advice to the other girl when I can't tell myself what to do..

P

RedXIV

Hey OP

Sympathies at this time for what i'm sure is a very frustrating time in your life. My first and foremost thing i need to say is you have to end your current relationship now. Seriously. If he wants to go the full haul and you're still waiting for an ex, thats unfair on him. He won't like it but better you do it now than later. Trust me, guys bounce back well.

As for your ex, I'm not gonna pretend to be or know him, you know him an awful lot better than i do. If your REALLY think that everytime you see each other, there's still a spark, not just from you, then your best bet is getting single and waiting for him. If your willing to risk the fact that he might never break it off though. DO NOT tell him this while he's in a relationship. He could very easily resent you for that. Based on what's been told, i'd say that you've tried everything to get over him and it's not working. In your position, i'd get single and wait.

Cathmandooo

Great advice from RedXIV there. You wont get much better.

Why didn't you tell him how you feel when he was single? I know hindsight is wonderful but you've been harbouring these feelings for a long time. Because you were the one to break it off all those years ago I'd say he'd be extremely wary of asking you out again, he wouldn't want to look like an idiot.

I really feel for your situation, it can't be easy but as RedXIV said you have to break up with the man you're with now. It's not fair to be with him when you're not in love with him.

Best of luck, I really hope it works out for you.

Miss Fluff

I think we have all been guilty of sugar-coating ex-loves when in an unhappy relationship or lonely and miserable.

Your first step now is to break it off with your current partner. This is a dead relationship and if he is talking about marriage and kids and you're not actually in love with him then you are singing from very different hymn sheets unfortunately so you need to be open and honest with him and break ties.

You then need to think long and hard about what you want. There is nothing worse than living with regrets. If you genuinely still love your ex of 6 years then you need to make contact and tell him how you feel. Yes it is a bit nuts but there is nothing worse than to regret the things you haven't done imo and if you feel you could have a happy future together than I think you should at least give it a try.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. I thought I'd be skinned alive for thinking like this but maybe that's yet to come!

Yes, I do need to end my current relationship. I may not talk to my friends about my ex but I do talk to them about my boyfriend and they agree that it's over, he's not for me (although he could be perfect for somebody else) and think I should just end it but there's never a right time is there?!

I didn't explain my feelings to my ex when he was single as I simply didn't know when he was single -although he did email me while I was in Oz (in 2004) and mentioned how one of his mates was going building a house, had a car, a girlfriend etc and that he had none of those things so I knew he was single - he had had a girlfriend before I left. I couldn't really act on things from all the way over there! Apart from some head-wrecking dirty/drunken texts going both ways! Ah no, there was some normal 'how r u getn on' kind of texts too!

About living with regrets, I suppose I already am..

I can't do anything now, not while he has a girlfriend, I'd come across like a proper psycho and as we're neighbours, I don't want the whole village thinking I'm a nut-job!

Well, it looks like I'm going to be single soon. I always think things happen for a reason and that what's meant for you won't pass you. It may be my ex I end up with, it may not. If it's not him, I need to get him out of my mind but I don't think I can until I speak with him and I can't speak with him now... aaaaahhhhhh!!

seahorse

How long is your ex with his current partner?

Miss Fluff

Yes you can only really move on when you have broken up with your current partner.

Re your ex, is he on Facebook or Bebo? Why don't you add him as a friend so you can start emailing and see where he is at in his personal life?

RedXIV

Course there's never a right time to break it off but there's especially bad ones. 2 days after her birthday and me spending €400 on her is a personal favourite for such examples.

I wonder if i might point your attention to another popular thread in here, the one about the gf meeting up with the ex? If you were to start engaging in contact with your ex boyfriend, chances are it's going to go downhill if you try ANYTHING to get him back.

Break it off. mention you're single in passing IF you happen to be having a conversation. Don't send him an email or something with "I'm SINGLE (4 U)" as the title. If he know's your single ESPECIALLY if he has an idea why, he might make a move in your direction. Then again, he may not. this all depends on how deep in his current relationship he is

Creachadóir

You definitely need to finish things with your current boyfriend as he deserves to be in a relationship with someone who truly loves him.

I feel bad about the way things are with you and your ex. It sounds as if he still has feelings for you though. I think that if you break up with the current boyfriend (who really isn't for you anyway) that will probably get the ball in motion if anything is supposed to happen between you and your ex.

How long after you started taking medication for depression did you realise that you wanted your ex back? Was it a gradual feeling that came back, or did it happen as a result of him being with someone else or...? Or did that just happen years later? I think that it is a good idea to link up to him on bebo/facebook also.

littlefriend

Once you have finished with your current boyfriend you could contact your ex and explain your reasons for ending your relationship 6 years ago. I'd imagine you'll know by his reaction to what you say how he feels. If that doesn't lead to anything then its probably time to move on and forget about him. Even if he has no interest in you, you won't look like a psycho for doing this rather that you wanted to wipe the slate clean/clear up any bad feeling between you and your 'neighbour'.
You don't have to do this face to face if you don't want to - I'm sure you can find a way to get his email address or something. In fact, I think it might be better to mail him as you can be sure that you won't get tongue-tied/forget what you want to say etc.
I wouldn't feel too bad about his girlfriend - if she is 'the one' for him then he'll stay with her and if he isn't then she's better off w/out him anyway.
No matter what way you do it - find a way to tell him. Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Thanks for all replies. I'm after a few drinks so will need to re-read the posts tomorrow but I'll try my best for now.. not going to do proper quotes now but I'll put them in inverted commas..

"How long is my ex with his current partner?" I think its since summer 06 which makes it nearly two years.

He has a bebo page but I don't think he uses it at all because he never has comments on mutual friends/neighbours pages. But sure, it's no harm adding him either way so I'll do that.

I haven't read the thread about meeting up with the ex but I'll do that tomorrow.

"How long after you started taking medication for depression did you realise that you wanted your ex back?" Ok, the relationship ended in early 02. I wasn't diagnosed until Sep 05 although things hadn't been right for a long time - as long as I can remember. I stopped taking the tablets earlier this year. I've always wanted my ex, from the day I let him go I've wanted him, but I told myself that it was for the best - as I thought it was, as much as it hurted us both.

I like the idea of 'explaining myself'. If nothing happens, at least everything will be out in the open and there can be no regrets.

Thanks

Kelly O'Malley

Poor you.All I can say is that time heals all wounds.

Sadly the big wounds can take an awfully long time...

I've been hankering after a man I broke it off with 6 years ago and the silly thing is I know I did the right thing as it never would have worked.He's one of the nicest guys on the planet,seriously talented on the horizontal,and serious eye candy too! but our lifestyles,aims etc were just too incompatible.

We would have ended up hating each other and I could not have faced that.

But I still moon over a photo I have of him and haven't looked at another man since.Am I sad or what?

I stopped hurting over it about a year ago but I can't say in honesty I've moved on yet...

Good luck,God bless,my heart goes out to you.

SarahSassy

OP, your immediate issue here is to finish with your bf... Do that, take time to get over this relationship and then decide what to do about your ex.. But you need to finish it immediately otherwise it will drag on and its not fair on him. Each day you are keeping him in this relationship is another day you are depriving him of with someone who really loves him....

The ex - well people change in 6 years. You dont actually know him now or know what he is like. He may send you smouldering looks but he has moved on and has a new gf.... Take time out from any relationship and see how you feel in 2 /3 months time...

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

The ex - well people change in 6 years. You dont actually know him now or know what he is like. He may send you smouldering looks but he has moved on and has a new gf.... Take time out from any relationship and see how you feel in 2 /3 months time...

Very true. Good advice.

Kelly, at least you know that you did the right thing in the long run. You need to get out there - look at all the men you're missing out on! You can meet someone with your ex's looks and 'horizontal talents', one who shares the same values, aims etc as you as well!

Kelly O'Malley

Kelly, at least you know that you did the right thing in the long run. You need to get out there - look at all the men you're missing out on! You can meet someone with your ex's looks and 'horizontal talents', one who shares the same values, aims etc as you as well![/quote]


Harumph!

From what I've seen I'm not missing much!(dunno about their horizontal skills as I haven't tested them..)

In my age group if a man is unattached there's a good reason for it!:D:D:D

Liam Byrne

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

In my age group if a man is unattached there's a good reason for it!:D:D:D

Ouch! Then again, maybe the "good reason" is because he hasn't met the "right one"..... ?

Kelly O'Malley

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Ouch! Then again, maybe the "good reason" is because he hasn't met the "right one"..... ?

Harumph.

Commitmentphobes
Just after one thing
Mummy's boys
So revolting you wouldn't touch them with someone else's 10 foot pole
Married with wives that don't understand them/they have an 'understanding' with/are only with for the children/that have lost interest in sex - THAT list goes on forever!
If an Englishman's idea of foreplay is taking off his socks an Irishman's has to be telling you his name - a man in that much of a hurry is not attractive!:D:D:D

K-9

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

Harumph.

Commitmentphobes
Just after one thing
Mummy's boys
So revolting you wouldn't touch them with someone else's 10 foot pole
Married with wives that don't understand them/they have an 'understanding' with/are only with for the children/that have lost interest in sex - THAT list goes on forever!
If an Englishman's idea of foreplay is taking off his socks an Irishman's has to be telling you his name - a man in that much of a hurry is not attractive!:D:D:D

Or he was hurt by a Commitmentphobe who was female,
she was after only one thing,
Daddy's girls or spoilt bitches!
She had baggage
She had men hating issues,
He spent too long with the one!
etc.etc.

Generalise much?

Kelly O'Malley

Aah that Donegal humour - how I miss it.Don't see too many of you guys down here.
Is this a list of the ladies you've met Sean?
I have to admit I've known women who fall into those categories.
The 'spent too long with the one' category confused me though.Not sure if you mean he spent too long with an out and out b**** or that he was with the love of his life so long he couldn't adjust to someone new?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm the OP - back with an update.

I ended the relationship yesterday morning. I feel awful. I keep bursting out crying but you know, I think I'm upset because I know how much this is hurting my (ex)boyfriend. For me, I know it's for the best in the long run (and of course it is for him too, though he may not realise it now).

He was very upset and tried to convince me that it's not what I want but I was very firm and told him quite cooly that it is what I want. He thinks given time that I'll come back to him. I told him he must not think that way, it's over. When I was leaving his house he was more in control of himself and saying how he will have to concentrate more on his hobbies, friends and family, which is a really good outlook.

We're not in contact and I know this is the best option but it's nuts how somebody goes from being around you and in contact with you all the time to, well frankly, nothing.

So, to all the heartbroken people in the other posts, keep in mind that it's very painful for the person who ends the relationship also. Both people are losing a part of them that was unique to the relationship.

muffinob1

TicTac123 wrote: »

Hi, I'm the OP - back with an update.

I ended the relationship yesterday morning. I feel awful. I keep bursting out crying but you know, I think I'm upset because I know how much this is hurting my (ex)boyfriend. For me, I know it's for the best in the long run (and of course it is for him too, though he may not realise it now).

He was very upset and tried to convince me that it's not what I want but I was very firm and told him quite cooly that it is what I want. He thinks given time that I'll come back to him. I told him he must not think that way, it's over. When I was leaving his house he was more in control of himself and saying how he will have to concentrate more on his hobbies, friends and family, which is a really good outlook.

We're not in contact and I know this is the best option but it's nuts how somebody goes from being around you and in contact with you all the time to, well frankly, nothing.

So, to all the heartbroken people in the other posts, keep in mind that it's very painful for the person who ends the relationship also. Both people are losing a part of them that was unique to the relationship.

So what happened next?

Wibbs

muffinob1 if the OP wanted to tell us I think she would have months ago. Closed. Please don't drag up old threads like this for what can look like prurient reasons. If you want to start a thread on your won personal issue then that's cool. Thanks and closed.