Daughter at weekends

Beatlebum

Can anyone tell me if this is a reasonable deal.

I have a 5 year old daughter but i'm not with her mother anymore. about 6 months ago we said we'd try it out having my daughter stay with me every saturday afternon to monday morning.

recently though i'm thinking it would be fairer to alternate between thurs/friday nights and sat/sunday nights just because the only time i get to do anything in friday evening straight after work and saturday morning.

is this fair???????

kmick

Depends where your priorities lie. Would you prefer to see you daughter or go to pub or whatever you want to do on Fri nights?

RosieJoe

Have to agree with Kmick. Prefer to give up seeing your daughter for a few sccops?

Don't think your Ex will be impressed if you say that, as it comes across that your social life is more important than your daughter

Shelli

kmick wrote: »

Depends where your priorities lie. Would you prefer to see you daughter or go to pub or whatever you want to do on Fri nights?

I don't think thats a very fair thig to say. Just because your a parent doesn't mean that your life should stop and revolve only around your children.

I think you should work out and arrangement with the mother where as you both have a weekend day and some weeknights with your daughter.

Not only will this give both parents a shot at some sort of personal life, but IMO would have many parenting benefits for both parent and child:
- both parents would have decent quality time with child, not just weekday evening which are often taken up with homework, child is tired after school, parent is tired after work etc. So if father has her all weekend, mother is getting the short end too in a way.

Squiggle

Shelli wrote: »

I don't think thats a very fair thig to say. Just because your a parent doesn't mean that your life should stop and revolve only around your children.

+1. After all the op is "thinking it would be fairer to alternate between thurs/friday nights and sat/sunday nights" . This seems perfectly reasonable to me. My best mate is separated and himself and his ex have always taken the two kids on alternate Sat. nights. I think RosieJoe and kmick are way off the mark.

TequilaMockingBird

I think its reasonable, as long as it doesn't affect your ex's work or anything, its fair enough.

Beatlebum

thanks for ur replys everyone.

it honestly isnt about going to the pub because i can still do that on the friday if i want. its more the fact that if i need to do things during the day that cant bre done with my daughter (cant think of a good example but it always happens) i cant actually do it.

she also comes to my house one evening a week but doesnt stay the night. home by half 8 at the latest.

is alternating not the fairest tho. its not like her mother doesnt go out either!

Oryx

It does sound ok to me, as long as your daughter is happy with it too, and she still gets the same amount of actual time with you. Youll find she will dictate what happens more as she gets older anyway, as visits to friends/sport/dance classes takes precidence over mammy or daddy.:)

SarahMc

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My deal with XP, is he has access has every second w/e Friday-Sun and every Sunday.

We each have a Friday night and Saturday day and night free every second w/e and I have every Sun free every week for adult stuff. I can't see how Thurs nights would work unless you can drop to school.

Lurvely

I dont think its unreasonable at all...youd need to sit down with your ex and discuss the arrangement, good luck!

Beatlebum

This is a nightmare. She's said that she would alternate between friday and saturday nights but she always wants sundays. But my whole reasoning was that every second week i/she would have a full night and the following full day off. THat'd mean if either of us wanted to go somewhere for weekend we could go on the saturday and come home late on the sunday night. But the way she wants it would mean that she would get that every second weekend but i wouldn't.

Am i being stupid or is my way not fairer?

Nevyn

Can you not have an agreement which allows some flexiblity so that either of ye can have a full weekend of ocassionally ?

Oryx

Ask her why its so important you always do Sundays. Does she always have something else on then, or is it to grind an axe against you?

antodeco

OP, I have a four and a half year old daughter. I have had her EVERY weekend for the past 2 years. I love having her with me. I rarely go out, and when I do, I feel guilty not staying in with her.

My advice: Try and get some weekends off. You dont want to become a "recluse" like the way I have. I work Mon - Fri, have my daughter from Fri evening to Sunday night. I know later in life I will regret my decision to have her every weekend. I dont want that, because I will end up feeling "resentment" towards her. My daughter is my life, but at the same time, I need a life. If you can even alternate one weekend a month it will help. For your own sanity. I have been out 3 times this year, thats all. I have been single for the past 2 years (since breaking up with my ex). I dont get a chance to go out and enjoy myself. I also try and cram in as much as I can do in my lunchbreaks during the day (ie shops/banks/etc). Im 26 and can feel my life just dissolving away. On the one side, I want to be out having a laugh, but on the other, I only get to see my daughter on the weekends, and I hate being away from her.

Hope that helps, as its my own situation

bored and tired

beetlebum, you said that your daughter is 5, is she going to school, or is she starting in september??

I ask as your ex, might be considering your daughters routine at present or in september, but expressing it badly.

Could it be that she feels that you should get her to school on monday morning,? to be part of that part of your daughters life,
That ye both know that you are taking her to school and therefor, will have uniform bag books etc ready to go with daughter to yours,
Or is she worried about late nights at the weekend and the resulting horror that is trying to get a cranky child up, fed dressed and out to school on a monday morning?.

I know a lot of single dads who moan about not having all weekend with their kids but turn a blind eye to the mundane routine of school, home-work, bedtimes and taxi service that has to be done during the week.

If routine and stability is not your ex's main concern re weekend access then
you are going to have to reassess her motives. Best of luck.

Carrigart Exile

Beatlebum wrote: »

This is a nightmare. She's said that she would alternate between friday and saturday nights but she always wants sundays. But my whole reasoning was that every second week i/she would have a full night and the following full day off. THat'd mean if either of us wanted to go somewhere for weekend we could go on the saturday and come home late on the sunday night. But the way she wants it would mean that she would get that every second weekend but i wouldn't.

Am i being stupid or is my way not fairer?

so your wife would rather do her own thing than be with her daughter on a Sunday (just pointing out the similarities to the first couple of responders). I've been there, we spilt up when my son was 2 years old and my son was with me every weekend Friday to Sunday and several weeks during holiday periods. I had to fight to get a weekend to myself and it was down to my ex enjoying having her weekends child free - she tried the guilt trip stuff (which as you can see from my opening line can be turned back)

Beatlebum

well unfortunately for everyone involved things are going to have to go down the legal route now because we can't come to an agreement.

Does anyone know how i'd go about this? Do you think a judge would think my suggestion is fair?

bored and tired

Beetlebum, Dont jump down the legal route just yet, it is financially and emotionally draining., And usually only leads to worse problems about the ex than it solves.

Has she said anything about WHY she needs sunday off,

Can you two sit down with a parent or friend, someone to help ye communicate to come to a mutually agreeable plan,

Can you go to family councelling, accord etc

If she wont give you a reason why you must have daughter on Sunday then speak to her parents to see if there is something there, She cant just lay the law down without an explanation, As i said before she may be thinking ahead to school routine etc., but if she is she has a duty to tell you.

If after a month its not at least explained to your satisfaction, see solicitor or court clerk, re process for access through courts,
But be prepared that your ex isnt going to like it, treat it as a threat, thus making your relationship even more difficult, keep us informed

Beatlebum

Well she said that Sunday nights are her night to herself and wont say anything else. I cant see why it has to be a Sunday though. What I'm suggesting is she has every second sunday to herself and can go out on the Saturday night, and then every other week she has every Thursday to herself and can go out on the Friday. It's so frustrating because she still thinks thats a ba deal for her.

I also tried suggesting that we go to see a mediator to sort things out but she said no. She told me to "bring on the solicitors" (exact words!). I think she's fairly confident that she'll get her own way if it went to court.

TequilaMockingBird

I agree, try to avoid the legal route. If you have problems communicating now (remember, you both have to communicate for the rest of your lives), taking it to Court will multiply it a hundred times.

Sunday is a strange day in the routine of a child. I personally want my child to have a nice time with her Dad - Sunday treat, whatever - but it is also the day when I'm getting ready for the week ahead. I do all our ironing, uniforms etc for the week, I need to shop for fresh school lunch and dinner ingredients. I want my child back here with me by about 6pm, so we can get back in the routine for the week, organising school bags, early to bed etc. So, in that respect, its great to have the day to myself, but knowing my child is having a great time while I'm busy is lovely.

That's the way we do it, and it works for us.

My ex lives on the other side of the country and travels here every weekend to see his daughter, if wants to miss it one weekend, its fine with me, and our daughter would be ok with it too. If he wants a more social type of weekend, he can have it, but he chooses not to.

This arrangement didn't happen overnight, mind you! Plenty of arguments over the years, but it comes together eventually.

Good luck with it.

SarahMc

+1. Your ex has come up with a compromise, you are the one who appears to be pig-headed about this now. She might get every second full weekend, but she is the one doing the lion's share of the parenting during the week, so, sounds fair to me.

My Sundays are like sueme's. Sundays are the day dd always spends with her dad. Relations are good, so there is lots of flexibility re: birthday parties, him going away etc.

Do not go down the court route, I imagine a judge would not be best pleased with you!

Beatlebum

I just don't think it's a compromise if ur going from very unfair to fairly unfair.

My daughter comes up to me one evening a week too. The fact that she lives with her mother is her mothers choice. If i could have her for half the week I would but i'm not allowed. I think its unfair if she gives out about doing the lions share of the 'work" if she wont share the "work" with me.

As far as being flexible goes, you should be thankful that it works for you. In my situation I'm always being flexible about switching days and things like that but the ex never budges.

RichMc70

I think any overnight acccess Sun-Thurs during school term has to be a no-no, as it's messing with the child's routine.

Sure, seeing her for evenings during mid-week is no problem and I think having her stay alternate weekends is a good compromise.

By the sounds of things, youre not happy as things are so by leaving it, it will just create bitterness, which is not good for all concerned.

If you've exhausted all means of agreement with your ex then I'd go down the court route, however be warned that things could turn nasty between you (not good if your daughter is aware of whats happening).

You don't have to appoint a solicitor. If youre confident enough, just make an application at your local district court and represent yourself.

Nevyn

I don't see why it is a big deal unless the child does not have thier own room or the school is a lot further away.

If the child's routine is being consistantly maintaned by both parents in terms of bed times and when homework is done they don't need to be only in the one home during the school week but both houses must be set up for the child.

TequilaMockingBird

I posted a long, brilliant, reply to you earlier OP, but I lost it all, and now I can't remember any of my genius solutions!

If possible, avoid court for now, one court date can take years to get over, as regards to building a better, civil relationship, one of you is going to end up very p*ssed off with the other, and there's never any guarantee with Family Court which way it will go. There's no real right or wrong in these situations, only whats best for the child. Both you and her have to be able to give and take. You will want to tear your hair out at some of the things she says and does. Try not to forget she will be doing the same about something you think is perfectly reasonable.

How about letting things cool down for a week, and then "booking" a weekend away for the following month. Keep it as calm and civil as possible, even if she winds you up, but say its unavoidable. Then have your night away, and she should see the sky doesn't fall in if you get your own way once in a while. With feelings running high at the moment, any suggestion you have will be met with derision, especially if you go in with all guns blazing. Let it calm down a little, think "baby steps".

Its not easy, but you/ye will get there. Just try not to kill each other in the meantime!

bored and tired

bettlebum, how did things fair over long weekend.,
i can hear that you are rightly peeved, but i do think you need to let things calm down and think long and hard about what your doing.

option a) you work hard at maintaining a civil relationship with your ex, accept for the time being she needs/wants sundays to herself, and enjoy the weekends with your daughter.

option b) you go to court and take your chances on what the judge thinks of you, your version of events, and whatever your ex decides she wants to tell the judge, live with the hatred that yor ex will feel towards you for putting you all in that situation. And she will think its your fault. its always the mans fault.

My advice is for the time being try harder at being civil to each other for your daughters sake, during the week try to help with the work, even if your not asked, their is always ironing, washing, cleaning, shopping, lunches, lost toys, scratched knees that need your ex's attention, she is on duty 24 7, Yes you see your daughter one evening a week, but i strongly suspect that this is daddy daughter time, and not daddy being a mammy for an evening,
Just try it, After you put daughter to bed, ask if you can help get lunch ready for the morning, wash the ware, fill the dish washer, tidy up your daughters things, ring up before you arrive and ask if your ex would like you to pick up anything from the shop. If your daughter has uniform on/with her, have the school uniform washed and pressed when daughter goes back.
The thought will be appreciated and your ex seeing you in a favourable light will go a long way in making her more open to better communication and a flexible access relationship.

Plus remember as your child grows up she wont be long telling you that you are falling down her list of priorities, she will have an endless stream of birthday parties, hurling, dance, drama, soccer, horseriding, play dates, etc and soon enough you feel more like the taxi than the parent. I know it will be tough for a while, and it will depend a lot on your ex;s attitude over coming weeks but do keep us informed of how you get on

TequilaMockingBird

Great advice there Bored and Tired.