Bf and his temper

LegacyUser

Just would like a bit of advice here. I've been with my BF for about 15 months now. We've always had our ups and downs, the main problem being his temper. When he loses it, he goes absolutely mental and it scares the sh1t out of me. Now, he's never hit me or anything, but he says nasty things and yells etc. It disturbs me but after talking to friends I wonder am I just being a baby/drama queen? I hate people being upset with me at the best of times, I just can't take it. This is my first long term relationship so I wouldnt have any other experience to know whats normal and what isn't. The temper just seems to be a really big deal for me - the rest of the time it's great. I considered dumping him after one bad fight but I'd miss him so much. We get along like a house on fire, he's a better friend than any other I've ever had. He's always there for me, we have a good sex life and he's very attractive, but most of all he's my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him in it. My head is wrecked with not knowing what to do. Are we not compatible? Do all couples fight like this? Am I just a really hard person to be with? AGHH its so headwrecking

Dudess

He's the one with the bad temper so don't speculate that you could be the problem. Why don't you talk to him about it?

Wibbs

Actually dudess and I know why you're saying it, but I disagree in part with you. She might be part of the problem. While she certainly is not responsible for his reaction to things, she may be responsible for some of the things in the first place. It could be as she says an incompatibilty. I've seen both men and women rub each other up the wrong way in one relationship, where in another relationship it didn't happen.

I would say look to yourself first. Quite simple because you can't change someone else. A good couple is a pair of balanced individuals. When you know what you want for yourself, your boundaries and how you deal with things, it makes things easier and makes it easier to see what's right for you first and foremost.

Nevyn

whattodo212 wrote: »

. We've always had our ups and downs, the main problem being his temper. When he loses it, he goes absolutely mental and it scares the sh1t out of me. Now, he's never hit me or anything, but he says nasty things and yells etc. It disturbs me but after talking to friends I wonder am I just being a baby/drama queen? I hate people being upset with me at the best of times, I just can't take it.

Have you spoken to him about this ?

Reku

whattodo212 wrote: »

Do all couples fight like this? Am I just a really hard person to be with? AGHH its so headwrecking

Was about to ask if you say anything to set him off but this seems to pretty much explain the situation, you two argue, things get said, it escalates, he ends up in a fury.
Hate to reference CSI but there was one episode that was somewhat applicable here in that they pointed out how no one argues like a couple do as they know how to push each other's buttons and really stick the knife in (in an emotional sense).
You need to find a way to both just sit down and talk through things rationally without getting overly irritated with one another, if you really are both serious about the relationship it might be a case of seeking councilling together to try express yourselves without any hostilities.
Perhaps you are both just very passionate people, hence the great fire between you, but also the great fire in your arguements, as such it may be a case that you're just bad for each other.

In a couple there should never be one left feeling afraid of the other at any point, if there is then there is something VERY wrong in the relationship.

seahorse

I'm sorry but if someone who frightens the shyte out of you by going "absolutely mental" is "a better friend than any other I've ever had" I think you've got a lot of hard questions to ask yourself here.

Yes couples often argue when they strongly disagree, but what you are talking about is something else altogether. A look of fear in the face of someone I loved put there by my behaviour would be enough to pull me up short on the spot and ensure I'd never repeat it. Someone who truly loves you will not frighten the life out of you like this; they'll simply not want to.

seamus

whattodo212 wrote: »

Do all couples fight like this?

Certainly not. In 8 years, we've never had an argument where either of us have actually lost it. There have been raised voices, sure, but no actual anger or temper.

As Wibbs says, it may be a fundamental incompatibility. I very much doubt that you're a "hard person to live with". He's the one losing his temper, so he's the one losing control. Controlling himself is his responsibility, not yours. Some people have very short tempers. When other people encounter it, they're more likely to just avoid those with short tempers rather than confront them. So people with short tempers rarely get corrected on their behaviour - they don't think they've done anything wrong.

You need to tell him straight out that he needs to control himself, go to anger management classes or something.

As said, couples are very adept at pushing each other's buttons, so it's possible that you're the only one who manages to get him this wound up. But that's still no excuse for losing his temper.

The next time you even suspect that an argument is going that way, just walk away. Don't make any snide comments, don't try to win the argument, just tell him that you're not going to talk to him if he's going to lose his temper, and walk away.

Mighty_Mouse

It would seriously turn my stomach if a partner was to "lose it".
Be like dating an immature, pathetic, child..............how can you have a proper relationship whereby one party is likely to lose it regularly?
How can you even take him seriously?

all the stars

whattodo212 wrote: »

Do all couples fight like this? Am I just a really hard person to be with? AGHH its so headwrecking

No. All couples dont fight like that. If it scares you thats not good.
Dont you be be questioning if its you thats hard to be with. If he is a raving lunatic when annoyed surely your not responsible... Most people can still be rational..
15 months isn't a very long time really, so if you cant speak to him as an adult & resolve issues, i wonder if it will get any better -
If it scares you, surely if you tell him that he would make sure never to do it again..
I know i have habits that drive my O/H of 7 years mad so i dont do them around him anymore.. no biggie -

Wagon

whattodo212 wrote: »

Do all couples fight like this? Am I just a really hard person to be with?

After 15 months though I'd say your boyfriend is happy with you so this isn't normal. Talk to him about this though, be patient with him. I think you'll just need to be the bigger person here and not descend to his level when he gets like that. In this case, completely losing the plot with him or getting scared. Remember that you can't argue with someone who doesn't want to be argued with, so next time it happens, walk out of the house and come back a while later if you can. Might help him realise what a tit he's being.

bullvine

Nobody is perfect, sounds like you have a great relationship apart from his temper. In my experience best thing to do is try and chat with him and explain that you don't like his temper. Don't expect him to change over night but let him now how you feel about it and see if he'll make an effort to curb it a bit. You might be surprised, if hes made aware of it, it might gradually sync in to him.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Very simple fact: if he's scaring you, he's creating a problem, end of.

Telk to him about it: if he accepts the problem and agrees to try and calm it or get help, support him while he does. If he does NOT accept the problem, it's time to evaluate things as they won't change.

Has anyone else had an issue with his temper? If there are a few of you who think he's going OTT, it might make him listen.

dub45

I grew up with a father who had a dire temper. It is a terrible way to live. You are walking on egg shells all the time and whether you realise it or not it is all about keeping the person with the temper happy so as to avoid another outburst. My father was always very good too at blaming others for the outbursts as seems to be the case here. Never accept that. No matter what the circumstances a person can choose their reaction. No one forces anyone to lose their temper it is a choice however instantaneous.

We get along like a house on fire, he's a better friend than any other I've ever had. He's always there for me, we have a good sex life and he's very attractive, but most of all he's my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him in it. My head is wrecked with not knowing what to do. Are we not compatible? Do all couples fight like this? Am I just a really hard person to be with? AGHH its so headwrecking

Given his combustability your choice of the house on fire simile is ironic but this guy is not your best friend by any stretch of the imagination. You know there is a real problem here and thats why you have posted.

When he loses it, he goes absolutely mental and it scares the sh1t out of me.

That is not the behaviour of a best friend never mind a lover or a person to be in a relationship with. The absence of physical violence is not a plus it never should be. It should be a given. But as a wise friend of mine pointed out to me long ago there are people who 'batter' without ever using physical violence and this is what your boyfriend is doing to you.

When you are involved with someone with a temper like you describe every waking moment, consciously or unconsiously, is spent waiting on the next outburst. Do you want to spend your life 'waiting' 'recovering' waiting recovering. There is absolutely no incentive for him to do anything unless he is pushed very forcibly.

The problem is his alone. It is being foisted on you because you have chosen and choose on a daily basis to accept it.

My advice would be to get out of the relationship until he can prove that he has taken serious steps to adress his problem.

Do you want your children to be telling friends that their dad has an awful temper? Because thats what they will be doing in ten, fifteen or twenty years.

I know because I am still doing it amn't I?

LegacyUser

I think I AM a hard person to live with in some ways. I've had a lot of people get really mad at me because I push their buttons. I wind people up, I know I do it and for some reason I never learn. I will admit this about myself. My BF tends to get very quiet and cold when he's angry and instead of letting him be, I'll talk to him which results in the temper. I know this is stupid but it always ends up that way. I'm not making excuses for my BF though - I think he should learn to control himself. He had a pretty stormy relationship with his ex, I met her and she was a fiesty kind of person, it sounds like she gave as good as she got, and I think perhaps he got used to yelling at her and doesn't realise Im not used to that and it scares me when someone yells like that. I will def talk to him and let him know I don't think its acceptable. He really does think Im overreacting and oversensitive, he doesnt really think his temper is THAT bad and we need to sort this out. I don't want to stay with someone who treats me like this when they get annoyed and he needs to realise it, and then we can think about what to do

bored and tired

whattodo212 wrote: »

When he loses it, he goes absolutely mental and it scares the sh1t out of me.
Now, he's never hit me or anything, but he says nasty things and yells etc.

Im sorry but this sounds like the start of domestic violence to me, you dont have to be hit to be abused,
Does he try to stop or interfere with you going out with your friends, family.
Does he break things,
Does he say things to deliberatley upset you,
Do you think he might hit you.
Does he say sorry and he wont do it agin.
Does he blame you for pulling his strings, or say he cant live without you.

People dont start by suddenly abusing their partners, if they did we would walk away straight away.

It is a process of slow and deliberate destruction of their self esteem, an imprinted view that the victim is part of the problem and an interference with the support circle that the victim should in normal situations be able to tun to, that they establish before throwing the first punch.

As sea horse said if he saw a look of fear on someone he loved that he caused it would be enough to pull him up.

Talk to your partner, is their a history of abuse with his parents, or with your parents, people who grow up in abusive families tend to mimic their own parents behaviour. Suggest that the two of you go to counselling, for anger management and self esteem issues.

I truly hope im wrong, and i wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

We ARE friends. I mean, he is a better friend than any of my other friends. They are like fair weather friends - he is reliable, goes out of his way for me (used to pick me up every night on my late shift, an hours walking and bus each way, none of the other girls' bf's did that), cheers me up when I'm down, we do really fun stuff together and have a great time, whereas I used to sit in my room alone and lonely.

No he doesn't break things, no he doesn't say mean things unless I start it (usually). No he doesn't say sorry he won't do it again because he really doesn't think he has a problem with his temper. Yes, he blames me for winding him up. No, he doesn't say he can't live without me. He's agreed in the past that our relationship sometimes seems destructive and that it might be better to be friends. He seems to have the perfect family, def no violence or abuse there. His parents are lovely and he's said they never fight. His brother and sister are lovely and they/we all get along really well.

bored and tired

im glad to hear that, what i said before was from my own experiences of people in that situation. But i know that if your bfs temper is scarying you and he doesnt think he has a problem than the both of you have a very big problem.

Regarding you saying that you used to sit in your room alone. perhaps you both need to gain new interests and expand your circle of acquaintences rather than friends, we only ever have a few really good friends who will stick by you in the good and bad times. It could be a simple case of you both depending on each other too much and needing time away from each other so ye are not living out of each others pockets.

i do wish you the best and hope things work out,

Loopy

Op you seem to rub each other up the wrong way.. Probably very similiar to each other.

Myself and my partner are both quite fiery but we have reached a point where we know when to keep schmut. If we sense each other getting rialled up one of us walks away. And we talk about it afterwards, when we met, we used to break up every couple of weeks, it was ridiculous so because we were crazy about each other we reached a point where we realised we had to do something about it. Now many years later, although its always 'lively' we are still together. We have learned to deal with it.

Talk to him and try not push his buttons the way you have been, walk away if you feel a row brewing and talk about it later. Good Luck....