Am I wasting my time????

LegacyUser

Have been with my bf for 3 years and when i got involved with him he told me that he was seperated from his wife, that he was with her for 20 years and they have 4 kids together

I knew what i was taking on in a sense when i got involved with him, but i didnt realise it be so hard, Theres a big age gap between us and i have no kids and he doesnt want kids with me saying the reason is because he wouldnt do that to the kids he has already and it wouldnt be fair on them and he wants to live his life as he's spent most of his life rearing his kids

I do want kids but decided to sacrifice them for my bf because i love him

The problem is with his kids and ex wife, his kids hate me, would cut me dead in the street if they see me or giveme dirty looks, his youngest is 8 and one evening my bf asked me to keep an eye on him whilst he went to the shop, his child was going out the front of the house without shoes on so i told him he had to put his shoes on if he wants to go out and he hit me in the face with his jacket and punched and kicked me into the stomach saying shut up and dont tell him what to do, i got very upset and rang my bf to come back,he did, and said the child has problems, and went in and hugged his kid, who wa crying, it bothered me for a long time that his child feels this way about me,so he suggested that i spend less time with him when the child was there, so i agreed and stayed in my own house whilst he has his child, but now its at the stage where my bf has his child overnight the weekend, and ive been told i can sleep in the spare room as the child will be sleeping in the bed or i can go to my own house. i've tried everything to make it work and his ex wife doesnt help either, who also hates me and has verbally abused me and her family has abused me in the street, she has written dirty horrible text messages to my bf about me, calling me names and saying that her child is not sleeping on the same sheets as me, because he would get a disease off me,crap like this, before i met ,y bf i never even met this woman or knew of her, i have ignored all the stuff she has called me and walked away for my bf sakes when she has vebally abused me in the street.

I have spoken to my bf at lengths about this and how sick and tired i am, and the response i get it i cant say anything to her she wont let me see the kids,and so on on

am i just wasting my time here with him

rohe

yep think your wasting your time, move on because that situation aint gonna change after 3 years

Mighty_Mouse

IMO you only get one chance at life so ya gotta choose carefully how you go about it. The above situation just looks like a horrible mess.
Whats the age difference?

milkerman

The age difference is not as important as you might think. What is important is that you are at very different stages in your lives and that is something you can't really remedy.
After 3 years you are unsure, what will you be like after 20?

LegacyUser

theres a 14 year age difference,im in late 20's, just thought after 3 years together it would sort itself out and would get easier, but feel like i am banging my head against a wall

Das Kitty

Yeah you're wasting your time.

If he wants a proper relationship with you he should be putting you (not his kids, ex, nothing) first, the others will fall into place. If the kids see that they can't manipulate him against you they'll soon give up and start respecting you. He doesn't seem willing to do this.

It seems he doesn't feel as strongly for you as you feel for him which is why if it were me I'd end it get the chance and be loved like you deserve to be.

BaZmO*

609760 wrote: »

I do want kids but decided to sacrifice them for my bf because i love him

That's a HUGE scarifice to make imo.

But besides that, it does sound like you've had to take on an awful lot of flack in the relationship and personally I couldn't do it. Although, you're the only person that can decide if you're wasting you're time or not.

Zombrex

How long ago did your boyfriend and his ex-wife separate?

Because they still seem to have a huge amount of anger flying around between the wife and the kids.

They didn't break up because of you did they?

Anyway, I think your boyfriend needs to step up and sort this out. The wife is (or should be) angry at him not you. They need to sort out their bitterness. If not you need to walk away from the situation, because if your boyfriend isn't going to try and help you then yes, you are wasting your time (and I would wonder what exactly you see in him in the first place)

Wagon

I think you should get out of this because you are cutting out all the things that you want from life and it's not worth it at all. Leave him and his lousy family troubles behind.

nomorebadtown

Das Kitty wrote: »

If he wants a proper relationship with you he should be putting you (not his kids, ex, nothing) first, the others will fall into place.

I just had to call you on this one. i dont have kids but as far as i am concerned, no parent worth their salt puts anyone or anything before their children.

OP, sounds like atotal waste of time. get out. while your still young

Das Kitty

nomorebadtown wrote: »

I just had to call you on this one. i dont have kids but as far as i am concerned, no parent worth their salt puts anyone or anything before their children.

OP, sounds like atotal waste of time. get out. while your still young

You have to put your relationship first, you can't raise kids with a weak relationship or without having a united front.

I used to think like you but had my eyes opened about it. Friend of mine has 3 kids and they run rings around him and his wife playing one off the other. They hadn't slept in the same bed since she was last pregnant 3 years ago. They've recently gone for counselling and this is what came up. The kids were coming first all the time and they were getting less important to one another.

It's the kindest thing to the kids to be a united front in raising them so they don't have to be guessing.

Dizzyblonde

You're sacrificing too much - I say get out now while you're young - don't leave it until it's too late and your chances of a family of your own are gone.
As someone else said, it's right that his children must come first but this is no good for you. You need to be with someone who wants the same things as you.

MIN2511

Right... He's just not that into you!

His kids would always come first and i can't believe he tolerates the rubbish his wife, kids and families thow your way. If he really cared he should have approached her and told her to sort herself out.
It seems to me that your bf just doesn't care enough and the sooner you end the relationship and move on the better for you... You are losing more than you are gaining in this relationship

LegacyUser

Wicknight wrote: »

How long ago did your boyfriend and his ex-wife separate?

Because they still seem to have a huge amount of anger flying around between the wife and the kids.

They didn't break up because of you did they?

Anyway, I think your boyfriend needs to step up and sort this out. The wife is (or should be) angry at him not you. They need to sort out their bitterness. If not you need to walk away from the situation, because if your boyfriend isn't going to try and help you then yes, you are wasting your time (and I would wonder what exactly you see in him in the first place)

he was split from her for about3 months when i met him, they didnt break up because of me i wasnt even in the picture when he broke up with her..

i've said to him i dont understand why she hates me so much i never done a thing wrong to her or the kids, i've made every effort with his kids and have tried my best to ignore her and her family but its getting harder especially with no support from him because i get the usual response " sure i cant do anything about her"

When i met him i thought he was a genuine, nice easy going guy but hadnt realised what i had taken on and by the time i did i had fallen in love with him and honestly thought this would all sort itself out and thought he would stand with me,

When i first was going out with him, he hid me from his friends and family and wouldnt introduce me to his kids, wouldnt go out with me and if he did he went miles out of town, because he was "embarassed" if someone saw us together especially his kids he said, i should have realised then how much he thought of me, the warning signs were there

aye

why are you staying in this situation?

going out with someone whose kids abuse you and whose ex abuses you in the street!
and when that happens, he doesnt back you up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they sound like a lovely family!

on top of that he doesnt want to have kids, even though you do.

you dont need this crap.
if you want to have kids, dont sacrifice that!!!!
it's your life, you will meet someone with the same ideals, and someone who has your back!

Red Hand

Yup...have to agree with the majority of posters. He should have sorted out the situation a long time ago. You can't have that sort of rubbish with his wife and children abusing you...what's it going to be like 20 years down the line? That was his problem to sort out and he dropped the ball on it.

Plus, the decision not to have children is one huge sacrifice, and one that could cause you to be bitter in a few years.

Oryx

First, those kids arent picking that attitude up off the street. They are being fed it by their mother, Id imagine. They may get told you are all kinds of a monster, thats why they hate you. Its wrong of her to do it, but means its very hard for you to change their attitude, especially without their fathers support.

If anything is going to change you need to be tougher. I know you love your man, but stop making it so easy for him! Sounds to me that anytime change or compromise is required, you are the one doing it. Examples being moved to the spare room, letting the kids run riot on you, and last by by far the biggest, giving up your own possiblity of having children. That is a huge compromise to make, and he should be making some corresponding ones in return, not just flapping his hands and saying theres nothing he can do. The only reason hes continuing with that attitude is because you are letting him. If you want a future with him, start demanding what you want from it, instead of accepting his life on his terms. If you dont you will live to regret making such sacrifices.

I know Im being hard but god, I hate to see someone get walked on. You even put up with being hidden from sight at the beginning, as he was embarrassed. I promise you, when someone really loves you, they want to put you on a pedestal and show you off as being with them. Not hide you away like a dirty secret. This man had and still has issues with what others think of him, you really need to start challenging him on his weakness, if you are to have a future with him.

Sorry for the rant, and good luck.

LegacyUser

i can see the point in what your saying in the above post, think i needed someone to put it to me straight

I've spoken to him about me wanting kids and he's said he will have them with me if thats what i want, but i dont want to and i wont force someone into doing something they so obviously dont want to do, and his response told me that

The spare room situation i've told him i am not happy about, and i said we have two extra bedrooms and one of the rooms is for his child and why should i go and sleep in the spare room his response to me was his child wont sleep in a room on his own, so he'd have to let him sleep in our bed because its a double bed, what can i say to that really????????

I'd sound like a right cow if i went on about it

the situation with his ex he has told me not go on about it, but yet thats easy for him to say when its not him whose getting dirty looks in the street and things shouted at me, and have said this to him and his response to me this time was " sure no point in me saying anything to her, she'll deny it and say your mad" , i might as well bang my head off a wall as regards this whole situation and trying to get through to him

But have definelty taken on board all the posts and am beginning to realise the answer to my thread!!!!!!! that yes i am wasting my time

Kelly O'Malley

Wow OP he's a selfish git.He has his cake and gets to trample all over it too.

I'd guess that you do all the 'wifey' things for him too.Cook,clean,iron etc?

You knew the answer to your question before you asked it.

Best of luck with getting into a better relationship!

A lot of people have 'baggage' they have to take with them into a new relationship but there are ways of dealing with it and this man of yours is not doing that.

Liam Byrne

609760 wrote: »

When i met him i thought he was a genuine, nice easy going guy but hadnt realised what i had taken on and by the time i did i had fallen in love with him and honestly thought this would all sort itself out and thought he would stand with me

Been there (from the other side - swap the male/female positions, that is) and while I can still appreciate how someone with kids might have divided loyalties and need to be appreciated for who they are, I think there are a lot of people out there who will never appreciate how much someone else is likely to have to compromise and "give up" what they might want in order to make it work.....

If someone's genuine and appreciates it and both of you can see the balance that's required, then the respect is there and you've got something to work on...

But if the world revolves around them and they ignore the fact that you're making it work because of how you feel about them, then it's a guaranteed recipe for you to eventually give up "giving up" and start to think about putting your needs first and stop being taken for granted....

Get your ass outa there and go find someone who respects and appreciates you.....it's tough, but it worked for me......

Best of luck!

CodeMonkey

609760 wrote: »

he was split from her for about3 months when i met him, they didnt break up because of me i wasnt even in the picture when he broke up with her..

i've said to him i dont understand why she hates me so much i never done a thing wrong to her or the kids

They were split for 3 months when you met, she's either resentful about the husband meeting someone so soon and channeling the hate at you or with you in the picture it means there's little chance of them getting back together again or maybe a littlr bit of both. Her anger is understandable but the guy needs to stand up for you like what others have said.