Is he hitting her?

LegacyUser

Hi all. Just wondering how do you know if a friends partners hurting her

Let me elaborate.We are both 22, shes with her partner Bill the last 2 years.V nice guy.A few months ago i was sending a text off her phone(with her permission before anyone starts)and the last message she had typed in was "No please dont i swear i didnt look at him please dont hurt me"I was like WTF, I asked her about it and she said |(oddly) "Its roleplay" I was ike "Ummm ok..." (In all the time ive known her i know she never comes out with stuff like that)

Since then ive been keeping an eye out for little things ... unexplained bruises etc.Shes had a few but always a story behind them , usually a long detailed one which would lead me to believe shes covering something.

About 2 weeks ago we were all having a few drinks in our house and an ad for domestic violence came on the TV.My bf hates anything like that so he said "What kind of man hits a woman" to which Bill replied"Ah i give annie a slap now and then to keep her in check". I wasnt sure if he was joking or not so i looked at her and she was staring at the floor.
Then he started laughing and said "Ah ya know im kidding" to which she looked at him, then us and smiled.So In the kitchen i asked her was something going on and she got mad at me and said "if you keep on about this ill never talk to you again"Then later on my fiance said that when he and Bill were talking he had said "Annies pissing me off so much tonight
i just want to kill her"

Then today i got a weird text from her saying "Come over now please hes gone mad" I went over and he answered the door and said she was sleeping, when i mentioned the text he said he sent it to "See what a lapdog i was"(huh?)

Ive spoken to her on the phone since then and shes all happy and chatty

Am i just reading way too much into this?

IRISH RAIL

wow definitly sounds like something going on there.
first off she needs to get out of that situation.
maybe seek help from one of the womens refuges and the gaurds,
but in the end it is up to her, i knew someone in youre position it was her sister and nothing could be done cause she wouldnt listen now the sisters dont talk

Oryx

It doesnt matter whether your reading too much into something or whether he is hurting her, all you can do for now is stick around and be supportive until such a time as she decides to confide in you that there is. Until that time just be the friend you are being and let her know you are always there regardless. Interfering at this point could make things worse if she is not ready to face up to it, or if you are wrong, well that would just be one hell of a mess.

Im not saying its happening in this case or not, I simply cant tell, as you cant. Its up to your friend to break free from him if he is being abusive, the fact that its hidden makes it impossible for now for you to do anything but be supportive of her in whatever way you can.

i-digress

It's a really tough situation. I agree with the previous posters. All you can do is be there for her when she's ready to face up to the problem, if indeed one exists. Maybe look online for domestic violence help sites, I'd be very surprised if they don't have some advice for people in your position. Best of luck.

Playboy

eh what kind of a**hole sends you a text to see what kind of your lapdog you are? What did she have to say about that? What did you say to him about that? What did your bf think about it? If some bloke did that to my gf then he would be waking up in hospital if he didnt apologize and mean it. Cheeky fu*cker.

What goes on between them is their business but if you are really worried then phone someone in her family with your concerns .. it's their responsibility.

Irishcrx

Alot of the time, the guy's that are doing this sort of thing will come accross as the nicest people in the world but behind closed doors they can be very differant, the girl is probably afraid to say anything.

My Mam once dated a guy, I always disliked him, to everyone else he'd play the guy who'd do anything for anyone etc but behind it he was a nasty indivitual, he hit my Mam and like you when I questioned it she'd beg me not to do anything about it and stay out of it etc, it all came to a head one day when she called me and told me he had gone with her to buy a TV and when they got it he took it back to his and wouldn't give it to her claiming she owed him money (Which she didn't) he then beat her and locked her in the house he was pissed drunk, she managed to get a mobile and ring me, he caught her and the line went dead, I jumped in the car and drove down to the house straight away. When I got there all the curtains were pulled and there was no answer from the door I was a few seconds away from kicking it in before he answered and said she wasn't there, got in and found her upstairs in bits...Now i'm all for control but not after that so in short I knocked his block off and ripped the TV out and put it in my car and took my Mam to a doctor, got a call about an hour later he wanted to press charges against me for assault with the gardai...these are the kind of slimeballs that beat women.

bronte

God that doesn't sound good op.
The sad part is that I don't know how much you can do until your friend decides she's had enough.
She's lucky to have a vigilant pal like you on her side.
Her boyfriend sounds a bit strange from what you've said, especially that text he supposedly sent you.
All you can really do is keep an eye out for her, and be there for her.

all the stars

Hopefully she will come to you when she is ready - dont force the issue or it will only isolate her all the more -

cowzerp

Just let her know your there for her..

LegacyUser

I got this information from a web site a few years back for a friend of mine. It kinda makes sense. Why don't you suggest (but not push) that your friend call the Women's Aid Helpline 1800 341 900. They also provide information and support for friends and family members as well so if you wanted you could call them too. You sound like a good friend and if this guy is abusing her he will be trying to isolate her from family and friends so she is more vulnerable. So just let her know that you'll be there for her.

Anyway, I hope you find this helpful:
____________________________________________________________________________

Unless you are trying to help someone who has been very open about her experiences it may be difficult for you to acknowledge the problem directly. However, there are some basic steps that you can take to assist and give support to a friend, family member, colleague, neighbour or anyone you know who confides in you that they are experiencing domestic abuse.



· Listen to her, try to understand and take care not to blame her. Tell her that she is not alone and that there are many women like her in the same situation. Acknowledge that it takes strength to trust someone enough to talk to them about experiencing abuse. Give her time to talk, but don't push her to go into too much detail if she doesn't want to.

· Acknowledge that she is in a frightening and very difficult situation.

· Tell her that no one deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what her abuser has told her. Nothing she can do or say can justify the abuser's behaviour.

· Support her as a friend. Encourage her to express her feelings, whatever they are. Allow her to make her own decisions.

· Don't tell her to leave the relationship if she is not ready to do this. This is her decision.

· Ask if she has suffered physical harm. If so, offer to go with her to a hospital or to see her GP.

· Help her to report the assault to the police if she chooses to do so.

· Be ready to provide information on organisations that offer help to abused women and their children. Explore the available options with her. Tell her about the Women’s Aid services.

· Go with her to visit a solicitor if she is ready to take this step.

· Plan safe strategies for leaving an abusive relationship. Let her create her own boundaries of what she thinks is safe and what is not safe; don't urge her to follow any strategies that she expresses doubt about.

Amazotheamazing

Terrible situation, one of my mother's closest friends is regularly beaten by her partner, my mom has found her secure accommodation, let her stay with us, helped her move back home but after a few weeks she drifts back to the abuser and breaks contact with my mom. Eventually the cycle starts again. The guy is pure scum, always will be. Having seen what my mother's friend has gone through, i honestly don't know what you can do for your friend accept be there for her and hope she can get out.

Dragan

Generally speaking the type of person who likes a victim will always find a person who allows themselves to be one.

The type of guy that you describe is pure scum and maintains his control over your mate by promising her that things will be much worse if she leaves him.

I have seen this happen to a friend of mine and she lied to us for about 2 years about things until one day he put her in hospital and no cover story was going to be good enough.

He got his, but you need to try and be there for you friend and give her help and support. You can't force it, she will need to come to the conclusion herself but you can certainly clue your fella in to your fears and get him on board.

The type of guy who hits a girl are generally speaking cowards, they don't like the thought of going toe to toe with another guy.

cowzerp

Agreed with Dragan, Woman beaters are cowards that need to be put in there place, any woman in this situation needs to get a reality check and walk before your physically and mentally beaten down..

JimmyCrackCorn!

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Terrible situation, one of my mother's closest friends is regularly beaten by her partner, my mom has found her secure accommodation, let her stay with us, helped her move back home but after a few weeks she drifts back to the abuser and breaks contact with my mom. Eventually the cycle starts again. The guy is pure scum, always will be. Having seen what my mother's friend has gone through, i honestly don't know what you can do for your friend accept be there for her and hope she can get out.

Common story, happened in my family and happened to friends. Nothing you can really do bar be there for her and do your best to let her know that you will help but if you actually say it she will most likely become defensive.
Whatever you do maintain contact with her.

In the cases i was involved with i caught him at it in both cases and used force when challenged by the man until Guardai arrived. (who will not get involved unless charges are pressed)

In the first case i effectively broke up my family and got my mother out of a very bad situation. I just wish i had known earlier.

In the second case she left in a taxi with him, took her over a year and a half to actually leave him after that.

I wish you the best but until she wants help. Do what you can.

badolepuddytat

Something really sounds wrong in that scenario but like the others said, she has to make the move to leave him and stop the abuse. She knows you're suspicious, the only thing you can do is be as supportive as possible. Is it feasible to give her a key to yours? I'm thinking if she has somewhere she can go if she needs to get out of the house this could be invaluable and still informal enough that she can avail of quickly in an emergency. If you have mutual friends/know anyone in her family who'll deal with this sensitively could you talk to them? Last thing you need is her feeling alienated and like the people who care about her are ganging up on her and her fella.

LegacyUser

Playboy wrote: »

eh what kind of a**hole sends you a text to see what kind of your lapdog you are? What did she have to say about that? What did you say to him about that? What did your bf think about it?

I dont think he sent it i think she did and hes just covering his tracks. She said he was doing the "roleplay" thing again but using each others phones and he hit my number (I know makes no sense) I told my BF and he said it to Bill who said"Tell your missus to mind her own business" The BF just told him to **** off and left.

Honestly i dont even know if i can ask her about it even now she loses the rag when i mention it, doesnt act scared just gets angry

I just dont get it

chuci

all you can do is be there for her and sadly she will come to you when she has had enough.just let her know that your there for her.

Nikster

I've been in the situation of being constantly beaten by a partner. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do until your friend seeks help. Battered women will lie through all the bruises and everything because they are brainwashed first into thinking they deserve the beatings. I covered up everything for over 2 years even though family and friends were concerned. Only when I had decided that I was mentally stronger and I wouldn't let it happen to me anymore- that's when I needed my friends most.
Just keep an eye on things, but don't try to analyse things or ask too many questions because she may push you away if you are getting too close to the truth, she needs to face up to the truth herself first before anyone can help

Overheal

have you tried calling the womens helpline yourdelf OP? They may have information for you on how you can respond.

Andy-Pandy

Hey OP, Does she have any brothers or family that you could talk to?

LegacyUser

Andy-Pandy wrote: »

Hey OP, Does she have any brothers or family that you could talk to?

No shes an only child, her dad died when she was a baby and her mother passed away 3 years ago so she moved in with me, got herself on her feet and moved out. Then unfortunatly she met him.

I think he may be drilling the fact that "Hes her only family" into her head, i know she has aunts in america but thats it

Dragan

Nikster wrote: »

I've been in the situation of being constantly beaten by a partner. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do until your friend seeks help. Battered women will lie through all the bruises and everything because they are brainwashed first into thinking they deserve the beatings. I covered up everything for over 2 years even though family and friends were concerned. Only when I had decided that I was mentally stronger and I wouldn't let it happen to me anymore- that's when I needed my friends most.
Just keep an eye on things, but don't try to analyse things or ask too many questions because she may push you away if you are getting too close to the truth, she needs to face up to the truth herself first before anyone can help

Fair play to you. What you did took a lot of strength and courage. It actually makes me physical sick to know that people have to go through this type of thing. I hope your in a better place now.

Redpunto

I take it that there are no kids involved? About a month ago woke up to blood churdling screams, there was a fella in the street beating the crap outta his "missus" while she was kneeling on the ground, nieghbours came out but the scary part was how calm he seemed. he disappeared in his car and long story short when guards came she wouldnt give them her name or his name??? Until shes ready she wont walk. It does sound like there is something goin on there.

AARRRGH

People grow up with abusive parents, become accustomed to abuse, and then choose partners who are abusive. Or they might go the other way, become abusers themselves, and seek a partner who will accept their abuse.

Everywhere you will see people who pick abusive partners, or are abusive themselves.

It's sad, but these people are choosing this life.

There is nothing you can do except be a friend and repeatedly listen to their sob stories.

Miss Fluff

godjgodjgodj wrote: »

I dont think he sent it i think she did and hes just covering his tracks. She said he was doing the "roleplay" thing again but using each others phones and he hit my number (I know makes no sense) I told my BF and he said it to Bill who said"Tell your missus to mind her own business" The BF just told him to **** off and left.

Honestly i dont even know if i can ask her about it even now she loses the rag when i mention it, doesnt act scared just gets angry

I just dont get it

You're OP wasn't as conclusive but the above REEKS of something to me and it definitely sounds like all is not well. All you can do is be there for your friend. If she doesn't want to tell you she won't but just be a good friend to her and hopefully she will find the strength to break free from him, he sounds like a pig.

McGinty

Hi Op

A lot of good advice has been given but I'll add in my 2cents worth. I have been on both sides of the fence, the first was when I was with a physically abusive man and a friend who is with an abusive husband.

The thing about about these abusive men is that they know who to choose, they go for vulnerable women and at first build them up with sweet sentiments, then slowly chip away at their confidence, so the abuse is a gradual thing, I know at first my ex-(a long time ago) started with the odd shove, then a slap, then a punch and so on, until he tried to throttle me, it took me that long to take action, (I went to the cops) I had a friend who kept asking was I being hit, at first I lied and then told her yes I was, but she put so much pressure on me to dump him and made me feel small and foolish, eventually she ended our friendship because I wouldn't leave him, basically I did eventually myself, but you can't make another person do it, they have to make that decision themselves.

As for the woman I know now, she came to me during the night because her husband tried to throttle her, unfortunately she went back to him and he was able to lord it over her, I knew I couldn't persuade her to leave him, plus she told me everything was so much better. I was there for her until our friendship ended for other reasons, but I guess what I am saying is that your friend's boyfriend knows she is vulnerable, he is beginning to suspect you are on to him so he will do everything to get her to dump you so maybe it would help to back of a little and just be there for when she makes the decision herself. It is a tough situation to watch though.

LegacyUser

Redpunto wrote: »

I take it that there are no kids involved?

no thankfully

Dudess

Does she live with him?

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

Does she live with him?

yea she does, moved in with him 6 months ago, her names not on the lease or nothing so if he kicked her out she would have no proof she was there she never changed her adress from when she lived with me so as far as anyone knows she still lives with me

Wibbs

dublindude wrote: »

People grow up with abusive parents, become accustomed to abuse, and then choose partners who are abusive. Or they might go the other way, become abusers themselves, and seek a partner who will accept their abuse.

Everywhere you will see people who pick abusive partners, or are abusive themselves.

It's sad, but these people are choosing this life.

There is nothing you can do except be a friend and repeatedly listen to their sob stories.

There seems to be a lot to this with people who do this repeatedly, who have a string of abusive partners. I too knew a woman who did this. When she stopped and got therapy, she realised it was a pattern in her life stemming from stuff in her past. She actually said to me that she stayed with these "men" because in some way she wanted to. It made a weird sense to her and was comfortable. To walk away from it was almost admitting everything she believed about herself and life and men was wrong. That's what made it so difficult for her. She did it though.

That's the habitually abused. I think there's a lot more to it though. You can have women abused where it starts off fine and then the abuse starts down the line, after a point is reached where they are so connected to the person they feel they can't leave. People saying "why don't you just leave" have the right idea, but if there are kids and mortgages and interdependent lives that will be shattered or at least perceived to be shattered that's not so easy. Easier said than done, especially for the abused. The abuse has already destroyed their ego, so leaving is an even more difficult step.

Of course you get someone who by dint of bad luck or a bad choice early in their lives goes out with an abuser. In this case they need to get out and get out fast, before the connection between "love" and abuse is made. This will be hard for friends to bring this up. You can have women still spouting the mantra of "but I love him" through bruised faces.

As others have said all you can do is to be there for her. Let her know this. Make sure she knows she has an escape route and don't judge her when she doesn't use it, or uses it and then goes back. She has to make the leap herself and she's more likely to do so when she knows you're there.

I would also avoid telling her how much of a prick she's with. She may agree but in my limited experience she may well defend him and his actions and hers until the penny drops for her. If not she would have left him by now.

Get all the info you can about help she can get so it's ready when she does decide to leave.

I wish you luck.


Ps abuse takes many forms and has many levels, bruises are only the most visible. Emotional abuse is even more common as it's hidden. Abuse affects men and women too.

Kelly O'Malley

I've been in an abusive relationship and managed to get out of it (although I'm still scared witless of the man)
What happens to someone in this situation is that your self confidence is destroyed.You become convinced that it's your fault,that you are such a horrible person that you not only deserve this kind of treatment but also that you are making your partner - this wonderful guy - into this horrible creature,The Woman Beater!Sounds incredible but that's where a beaten woman's mindset ends up!
I think the best thing you can do for your friend is to boost her confidence,build her up any way you can so she can find the strength to get herself out of there.Lay it on with a trowel how great she is,how much you care for her.
Hard as it is there's little else you can do.Getting involved in her relationship will do a lot of harm and no good at all.