Im now a confirmed batchelor!

LegacyUser

So, Im now in my late 30's. I've had a number of log term relationships none of which have worked out. The latest finished up about 4 months ago. And to be honest, I have no desire to go through the dating/arguments/breakups rigmarole again.
I guess my question is (mainly to other batchelors/spinstors), do you have any regrets? and can you say that you are happy on your own?

topper75

I am in same boat but in early thirties. I suppose if you have a decent social circle and constantly have somebody to pass time with, then being by yourself can work quite well. No consultation required. Go where you want when you want.

Myself Im gonna keep pushing for a decent lady. If it is the right girl, she can really add something and the compromise can be worth it. Even if you are happy by yourself having an explicit 'bachelor policy' would be restrictive - best keep an open mind.

Grawns

I'm guessing all your realtionships failed due to an inability to commit or move the relationship on. If so do all the ladies a favour and stay single.

IRISH RAIL

I'm guessing all your realtionships failed due to an inability to commit or move the relationship on. If so do all the ladies a favour and stay single.

jusus thats a bit rough isnt it.

Zulu

Grawns wrote: »

I'm guessing all your realtionships failed due to an inability to commit or move the relationship on. If so do all the ladies a favour and stay single.

You know what they say about assumptions being the mother of all fuck ups, don't you?

@OP, buddy it's best be on your own than with someone you don't really want/who doesn't really want you. Perhaps take this opportunity to invest in a new hobby? A develop yourself as a person, life is short.

Gordon

Grawns wrote: »

I'm guessing all your realtionships failed due to an inability to commit or move the relationship on. If so do all the ladies a favour and stay single.

Helpful posts only please, or don't bother posting.

Kurumba

Grawns wrote: »

I'm guessing all your realtionships failed due to an inability to commit or move the relationship on. If so do all the ladies a favour and stay single.

:eek:That's a bit harsh isn't it? The OP didn't really ask your opinion as to how his relationships ended!!
OP i know people in their 30's and 40's who are single. Some are happy, some aren't. It really depends on your social life and if you have interests to keep you busy.
You never know, you might meet someone and the whole dating thing might not seem so bad. Best of luck!

Wibbs

If you've had a string of the same old same old, taking time out is a good thing if you use the time wisely I reckon. In one sense Grawns heavy handed comment may have some validity, but not necessarily from the angle she sees. If there is a pattern to your relationship history it may be as much to do with you as them. In the sense that by the choices of women you make you may be setting yourself up for a self fulfilling prophecy. Like the person who goes from one abusive relationship to the next. They're actively seeking that type out. Now that's the extreme but maybe there's something to that. Time out may help you work it out.

As for single at your age? Well I've walked through the door of 40 last year and I'm single for the last year or so, with a few flingettes and dalliances along the way. New things have happened with me in my social life. Never went to a boards beer before for a start. The BGRH crowd's beers are worth a punt I must say. Borderline loopers for the most part, which is to be welcomed.

I'll also note that a guy I know who thought he was washed up at 39, girlfriend/fiance had dumped him in a most callous way and his job had gone to the dogs. Fast forward 5 years and he's with a serious babe with a great lifestyle in another country and this was a guy who thought babe was a film about a piglet and abroad was Hollyhead.

You just never know.

Grawns wrote: »

I'm guessing all your realtionships failed due to an inability to commit or move the relationship on. If so do all the ladies a favour and stay single.

Projecting much? Ascribing one's own reality onto another and assuming that it matches is not very wise or indeed helpful to the person doing it.

nhughes100

The best of way of reducing your social life is to get into a long term relationship. I know so many people that won't go out and give all the excuses- ah she'll kill me, pick up the kids, too tired, no babysitter, I only go out on the second Friday of each month blah blah blah.

Relationships are over rated, I'm always amazed at how ppl I know in relationships keep going on about how lucky they think I am cos I can go out during the week or cos I go to a match at the wkend without asking anyone's permission. I'm thinking if this is what married life is like I'm having none of it.

I wouldn't rule out getting involved at some stage if it happens but I won't be going out of my way to make it happen and don't feel disabled as a result of not being in a long term relationship.

Wibbs

nhughes100 wrote: »

The best of way of reducing your social life is to get into a long term relationship. I know so many people that won't go out and give all the excuses- ah she'll kill me, pick up the kids, too tired, no babysitter, I only go out on the second Friday of each month blah blah blah.

Relationships are over rated, I'm always amazed at how ppl I know in relationships keep going on about how lucky they think I am cos I can go out during the week or cos I go to a match at the wkend without asking anyone's permission. I'm thinking if this is what married life is like I'm having none of it.

I wouldn't rule out getting involved at some stage if it happens but I won't be going out of my way to make it happen and don't feel disabled as a result of not being in a long term relationship.

I would agree with a lot of that. There are disadvantages and advantages in each situation. I will say and a little sad to say that of all the relationships I know, I can can think of only two that I would want to be in from an emotional health point of view.

Maggie Simpson

m3901 wrote: »

So, Im now in my late 30's. I've had a number of log term relationships none of which have worked out. The latest finished up about 4 months ago. And to be honest, I have no desire to go through the dating/arguments/breakups rigmarole again.
I guess my question is (mainly to other batchelors/spinstors), do you have any regrets? and can you say that you are happy on your own?

Just a tip - most women are not overly fond of the term "spinsters"!!

LegacyUser

Grawns wrote: »

I'm guessing all your realtionships failed due to an inability to commit or move the relationship on. If so do all the ladies a favour and stay single.

Your dead on!(not)

The relationships broke up for various reasons.Some were my decisions others not. The last one broke up because the bit*h was cheating on me! That was the first time that happened to me and was tough to get over. Do not want to go through that again! Now things are back on an even keel and Id prefer to keep them there, for good. Ive plenty of mates a big family and a few healthy hobbies. Give me a reason to jepordize the safety of all that?

Thanks for all your advice/comments (Wibbs/Nigel) I guess I'll keep an open mind but I will not be actively persuing a partner.

QUOTE-
Just a tip - most women are not overly fond of the term "spinsters"!!
What is the PC term for unmarried women?

badolepuddytat

Can't believe I'm saying it because I do believe long-term relationships can work really well but +1 nhughes100
It's a case of seeing exactly what's important to you and how much you're willing to compromise for a person E.g. op, if you met someone who you are compatible with physically and intellectually but not emotionally you might be willing to give up or curtail your nights out/matches whatever to be in a stable relationship with this person. If it's a case of yeah she's hot/smart/sound and that's it, it might take more give on your part than you're willing to allow. You might run the length of the country on one girls whims and show another the door if she asks you to pick up your stinky socks. Balance is important obviously! You have to accept your own needs and chances are if you're out and about doing what you enjoy, you'll run into someone with compatible views and interests. It's difficult being single in some circles of friends due to people doing exclusive 'coupley' things or trying to set you up with anything with a pulse, so getting out there and having your own interests is important.

LaVidaLoca

I do think though that when it comes to long term relationships, the person has got to be a really , really good friend of yours more than anything else.

In the long term, all of us are gonna get old and saggy eventually, all of us will lose our youthful confidence and viguor, and whats important in a partner, ultimately, is whats left when that cute ass has long since gone south, or that youthful cockiness has been weatherbeaten into the mollified wisdom of old age.

In a word: "Character." It's not only important to have it yourself, it's important to look for it in others.

all the stars

m3901 wrote: »

So, Im now in my late 30's. I've had a number of log term relationships none of which have worked out. The latest finished up about 4 months ago. And to be honest, I have no desire to go through the dating/arguments/breakups rigmarole again.
I guess my question is (mainly to other batchelors/spinstors), do you have any regrets? and can you say that you are happy on your own?

ok im in a relationship meself - but honestly, i believe you have to be happy, a complete person before you can be in a relationship.
There shouldn't really be arguements and all that - it should be enjoyable - granted hick - ups along the way but generally calm seas..

Enjoy being single - go do whatevr it is you love to do - all the things that maybe your other half hated or nagged about, enjoy - and have a great weekend!!!!

Maggie Simpson

m3901 wrote: »

What is the PC term for unmarried women?

Single?????!!

Dudess

topper75 wrote: »

I am in same boat but in early thirties.

Then how are you in the same boat? These days, the early 30s is like an extension of the 20s. By your late 30s though, nearly all your friends are settled down and you're bound to feel more alone.
OP, my uncle met "the one" at 46 going on 47 and he's married with three children now (she's 10 years younger).

And "spinster" conjures up images of an uptight woman dressed in a cardigan and tweed skirt surrounded by cats and lost in her embroidery...

topper75

Dudess wrote: »

Then how are you in the same boat? These days, the early 30s is like an extension of the 20s. By your late 30s though, nearly all your friends are settled down and you're bound to feel more alone.

Same boat in the sense that I've had a number of log term relationships none of which have worked out and the last one time I finished with a girl just happens to be 4 months ago! The whole dating thing seems a lot of hassle and I do sometimes wonder I should bother again having seen a common cycle over a number of years. The inital bliss, cooling to norm, the ennui, looking at other women etc. etc. [Woah! amazing reading back over my own cynicism:)]
I thought early 30's wasn't far from 20's but all my mates are settled down and it seems 95% of single girls out on the town are in their early to mid 20's. I get funny about that - esp having taught some of this outfit in secondary schools! I see pretty girls in the street my own age group from time to time but invariably they have some other lad hanging out of them.

LegacyUser

Hiya,
I'm just single four about five months, after over a year in a fairly intense, but utimately disappointing relationship (went from normal to long distance, cue the waiting and waiting for things to happen etc).

I discovered that I put an awful lot of myself into a relationship (in a good way I'd think, and in the way you should if you care about someone and want things to work out) but since coming out the other side, I reckon like the OP I'd be a bit non-plussed about relationships right now. Especially when I see one or two of the ones my friends are in - compromising themselves, putting up with complete crap etc for fear of being single.

I reckon OP that you're smarting from having your trust betrayed, and you're right to concentrate on yourself for a while. Getting back on even keel after horrible disappointment is a major plus and feels good. I think you're right to do your own thing and enjoy being one of the boys for a while. I know I'm trying the girl version of that right now

Might see you back on the prowl

DublinWriter

Grawns wrote: »

I'm guessing all your realtionships failed due to an inability to commit or move the relationship on. If so do all the ladies a favour and stay single.

Very unfair and hurtful.

OP - the question you need to ask yourself is 'What do I really want?'

If you're happy being a singleton then the biggest problem you'd probably face is peer pressure as those around you start discussing brands of nappies and creches and then suddenly you find you haven't got a lot in common with those around you anymore.

Just don't make the mistake that a lot of the guys I grew up with made of getting married almost for the sake of it. Most of my mates did just that and are very unhappy people now, all on the cusp of seperation with kids mixed into the equation.

Again, make your mind up about what you really want, and just go for it.

St Bill

It's a pity there are such labels as bachelor/spinster. These labels imply that that's what you are and there's no changing it.
In my personal experience, I think it's better to be happily single than unhappily coupled i.e. staying in an unsuitable relationship for fear of being alone. There's nothing worse than living a life in fear of something that's really not that important (in the grand scheme of things anyway!)

littlefriend

I'm 34 and also single. I've had 2 or possibly 3 serious relationships and now I'm on my own. Almost all of my friends have settled down and most have started to have children. My single friends are still going out at the weekends and getting hammered which I haven't much interest in [particularly as it feels like a man hunt].
I'd always have said that of course I'd like to marry and have kids but as time goes on I'm not so sure. I can't think of one relationship that I'd envy and in a lot of cases I think people are together for the sake of not being single. Actually, that reminds me - I was at a party a couple of weeks ago and a guy I went to school with was there. He was telling me that he is getting married in May. I asked him what was it that made him want to marry this girl [in a good way - I meant what does he love about her etc] and he said that hand on heart his reasons were 1] he doesn't want to be on his own when he reaches 40 and 2] she looks up to him. WTF??? Imagine being her? Seriously, imagine it - she was on her 'hen' night that night totally unaware of how he really feels.

Anyway, I don't really relish the thought of being single forever but, at the same time, I've never met anyone that I'd want to be with forever. That said, I do feel like a bit of a reject and often wonder what is wrong with me etc. I also get sad if I think I will miss out on having children.

I guess the answer is just fill your life with stuff that makes you happy, keep learning things and stay active. Enjoy the fact that you have time to do anything you want. The girls I know that are single seem to be waiting to start their lives when they get married - maybe this makes them the type that will end up married, maybe I'm too independent etc but at the moment I'm happy enough.

mc23

QUOTE-
Just a tip - most women are not overly fond of the term "spinsters"!!
What is the PC term for unmarried women?[/QUOTE]


Nuptially challenged

valleyoftheunos

OP, being in arelationship is only important if you feel its important,

If you're happy being single and independant (and it sounds liek at the moment you certainly are) then you should stick at it.

My advice to you is that you should carry on as you are but keep an open mind should you meet someone you like and get on with.

Like another poster I know a number of people of your age and older who are single, some are divorced some never marrried, some are happy some are not. Its different for differernt people.

Its worth remebering that I also know a number of people, who have been married for 20 years and now wish they had never done it.

dazberry

littlefriend wrote: »

Anyway, I don't really relish the thought of being single forever but, at the same time, I've never met anyone that I'd want to be with forever. That said, I do feel like a bit of a reject and often wonder what is wrong with me etc. I also get sad if I think I will miss out on having children.

I have to admit that's a very honest account. But what I will say as someone who has been single for a long time (wouldn't quite call myself a confirmed batchelor just yet) is that you need to be careful in your perception of the "forever" partner. Maybe not in your case but in retrospect a couple of times I have stood behind that excuse, and that excuse was just to hide my own lack of confidence - and maybe any one of those girls could have been "forever", but it wasn't immediately obvious and I never gave it a chance - which I do think was a mistake.

The other thing I will say is not to feel anyway a reject or that there is something wrong with you. I honestly think that sometimes we don't get the opportunities and sometimes we don't see the opportunities, and sometimes we just take the wrong ones (that's life). Someone can reject you - but that doesn't make you a reject. I'm not a reject

One thing I have at the moment is time - and it was never something I truely appreciated until I see how little my friends have with dirty nappies and crying babies. That might change sooner or later, while things are as they are - I am making the most of it ...

D.

Kelly O'Malley

There are two problems with being single.
1)Once you get used to it you get selfish.You get out of the habit of compromising - an essential part of sharing your life with a significant other - and find it very difficult to change that habit when you do want to share your life.That significantly reduces the chances of a future relationship working when you want it to.:rolleyes::cool:
2)Dunno why but the world does not like long term singles.Everyone is forever trying to pair you off.A major pain when you're quite happy the way you are!:rolleyes:


I'm entirely happy with my spinster status though the gossips have me leaping into bed with every male they see me talking to!Seriously if I were to have slept with every man I'm supposed to have slept with I'd never get any sleep!
That's my own 'single' problem, I doubt it'll be yours!
To make 'confirmed' status you'll have to stay single for a good few years yet though.:p