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Love poems, Love em or hate em?

  • 23-04-2008 11:25pm
    #1
    dylan1969
    Closed Accounts Posts: 45 ✭


    I hope you will always kiss me with your sweet affection
    I hope you will always do it with your eyes closed;
    To shut out the rest of the world.
    I hope that my kiss will always be yours,
    And that our kiss can mean more,
    Than simply, just a kiss!!

    Please comment

    Thank you


Comments

  • #2
    co_co
    Closed Accounts Posts: 73 ✭✭co_co


    I love the artistic conception though not quite understandable:D


  • #3
    dylan1969
    Closed Accounts Posts: 45 ✭dylan1969


    co_co wrote: »
    I love the artistic conception though not quite understandable:D

    I don't understand why you don't understand?


  • #4
    rebeldiamond
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭rebeldiamond


    Hi dylan1969

    I just read your poem there, and its really good, very sweet and a lovely expression of emotion :)
    Keep writing, unlike the previous comment, I think its very understandable! I have just posted my 1st poem here tonight & I got a comment, saying it didnt rhyme?? I think I need to "renew" my poetic licence!! :D
    Hope you post some more & have a look at mine, if you get a chance!
    Bye for now! ;)


  • #5
    i-digress
    Closed Accounts Posts: 692 ✭✭✭i-digress


    dylan1969 wrote: »
    I hope you will always kiss me with your sweet affection
    I hope you will always do it with your eyes closed;
    To shut out the rest of the world.
    I hope that my kiss will always be yours,
    And that our kiss can mean more,
    Than simply, just a kiss!!

    Please comment

    Thank you

    I think this is beautiful. My one criticism is that the first line makes it sound as if this is someone you know very well, that you hope that they will always kiss you as they do now with affection. Affection is an emotion you have when you know someone very well. The last two lines makes it sound like a first kiss, that you hope the kiss will lead to more. The two images don't match. I think if you slightly altered the first two lines slightly or the last two it would feel more polished and understandable. But a beautifully simple poem that conveys such emotion, I liked it.


  • #6
    dylan1969
    Closed Accounts Posts: 45 ✭dylan1969


    i-digress wrote: »
    I think this is beautiful. My one criticism is that the first line makes it sound as if this is someone you know very well, that you hope that they will always kiss you as they do now with affection. Affection is an emotion you have when you know someone very well. The last two lines makes it sound like a first kiss, that you hope the kiss will lead to more. The two images don't match. I think if you slightly altered the first two lines slightly or the last two it would feel more polished and understandable. But a beautifully simple poem that conveys such emotion, I liked it.

    Hi there, thank you for your time and your sincere constructive criticism. I sent the above to my girlfriend by text message when I was very drunk a few weeks back. I love poetry and can pretty much decipher meaning or many meanings from any poem or lyrics or even a sentence. What I mean by "our kiss can mean more than simply just a kiss" is ominous end to a declaration of love. Honestly that was my initial intention when I wrote it. I hope that may clear things up a little but if you have any more suggestions please do comment I don't write a lot of poetry I would post here simply because I feel it to be a very personal thing to me.

    Thanks again


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  • #7
    redarmyblues
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 983 ✭✭✭redarmyblues


    Not bad at all, I particularly liked the eye closed bit. You must be good at texting to get a long one off like that when you were steamed, I can't text at all when I am phished.


  • #8
    dylan1969
    Closed Accounts Posts: 45 ✭dylan1969


    redarmyblues wrote: »
    Not bad at all, I particularly liked the eye closed bit. You must be good at texting to get a long one off like that when you were steamed, I can't text at all when I am phished.

    Hey thanks for your complement. I think it's very easy to write what you are feeling at particular time. It is now 3:12 in the morning and I'm very drunk. If I had one poetic thing to say right now it would be.

    My thoughts are cold and lost in a storm
    This tempest I battle even when I'm drunk
    How do I free a free mind from thinking?
    Am I alone? please do not say I am
    How is it I feel the same as only I do?
    I hope that my confession is the same, like yours
    I don't want to live in a lonely mind.

    Well that's my poetic thought for tonight
    I hope I can sleep.

    Thank you for your reply


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