Cloud

skateing dragon

Hey guys,
This is just the first few pages of a story I'm working on. It's not too long and feedback will be greatly appreciated.

I could hear his footsteps beating behind me, like an echo of each of mine. I wondered if he knew I could hear him, that I knew he was there, that while he had been following me I had been analysing each and every move he made. I have spent too long out in this barren wasteland, travelling and wandering, to stop now just because someone was wandering after me. He was heavy footed, medium weight and about the same height as me.
I could hear it in his steps, his breathing and if it was a calm day, I could hear it in his pulse in the wind. He was an amateur, he wasn't planning ahead. His steps were quick yet hesitant, very unsure. I don't know what he wants with me but he isn't going to kill me, of that I'm certain.

It had been days, week’s maybe, since I last saw a road, a good few sun downs anyway. You tend to lose track of time out here, your mind wanders, you retreat within yourself and block out all sights and sounds. Well, you do until an unusual one conjures itself. My skin was scorching under the burning sun. The heat seeped in through the leather and caused me to perspire every drop of moisture out of my body. It was becoming unbearable and I had drained my water supplies a couple miles back. The urge to turn around and speak to the stranger, the wanderer was growing every minute. Maybe he could help? I had made it this far on my own but the future was slowing becoming less of a certainty and more of a possibility.
"Is there somethin' in particular you want from me?" I gave in.
The stranger seemed shocked; I saw his eyes dart around like fire flies trapped in a tin can, searching for something probably a hiding place.
"You're not gonna find nowhere to run man, it's just you me and this desert here now." He sighed, and began to breathe heavily. His heavy breathing quickly turned into chuckle and now I was the one who looked shocked. I couldn't quite understand his behaviour; I thought I knew everything about him until this point but of course I was judging him by his footsteps. A laugh, something I hadn't heard in so long. The sound leaked into my mind causing memories to flashback and evidently it brought a smile to my face. Something I also I hadn't done in a long time. Out in this place there's not much to smile about.
Trees had lost their rich bright colour; they were drained of it, drained of their beauty. The Evergreens were powerless to their self-contradiction as were the snowdrops, bluebells and any other creature that held any beauty on this planet. The ground which once upon a time probably smelt so pure and natural was morphed into despicable dust. I can't remember the sound rain makes as it slowly drips from your skin, or the sound of a bird singing its uplifting morning tune. And a cloud. I can't remember the last time a saw a weightless white cloud in a blissful blue sky.

He was a lot cleaner than me. His hair blew gracefully in the wind; his smile revealed a set of perfect teeth and his face was clean shaven. There wasn’t a scratch on him. I on the other hand, had dirt on my face, hair, boots, jeans and jacket. I guess my bag looked clean but it had spent so much time on the ground that it transformed from its natural colour to the rusty brown of the dirt.
“Are you a mute? Or are you just a little slow?” I asked the stranger.
He seemed amused, I didn’t know why. It was a straight forward question.
“How long you been out here?” he replied. His voice was deep, strong and smooth; not at all what I was expecting. He had been following me for some time now, but when exactly he started to shadow me I don’t know. I studied him for a few moments, his posture and body language. His arms were folded across his chest, his back straight and his chin rose slightly. Confident. That was a change.
“I’m not really counting the day’s man.” He took small steps towards me and my hand instinctly reached for the knife in my bag. My fingers gripped the cold metal, my eyes watching, waiting for one false move before I plunged the blade into his chest. The stranger rubbed his hand against his trousers creating a hand print stain, and stretched it out to meet mine.
“You got a name “man”?” he asked me.
“George.”
“I’m Priapus.” He laughed.
“Priapus? Well “god”, I’m afraid you’re not doing a very good job.” His grip was strong and firm, his hands unusually soft. A burst of heat ruptured my body. My intrigue in the stranger caused thoughts of dehydration to drift to the back of my mind. There was no more avoiding it. The fluorescent sunlight began to dim and my tongue was rough and dry. My knees buckled under the weight of my body; breathing became difficult. Sounds faded, light faded, feeling faded and then pitch black.

elleA

Very intersting. It captured my attention right away. I like the vocab in it and the flawless flow. I would definitely like to read more.

Just watch out for putting 's where it should just be s. For example "week's" should be weeks

skateing dragon

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah I think that's Word because it always adds in stuff Thanks anyway.

skateing dragon

Feed anyone?

55 views and 1 reply? That's ridiculous.

Insect Overlord

skateing dragon wrote: »

Feed anyone?

55 views and 1 reply? That's ridiculous.

It's not that unusual really. Most of what I post gets ignored, sometimes people just don't feel inspired to reply.

I'm not so sure about this passage. Some of the descriptions are excellent, but the flow of the paragraphs seems a little disjointed. Story-writing, unfortunately, isn't my speciality, so I can't think of any ways to improve the piece.

davyjose

It's a little rough around the edges, but not bad.

Couple of things: you need to work on your punctuation - learn when to use a comma, when not to etc. If in doubt and you don't want to overdo the semi-colon thing, put in full stops. For example, a comma here is incorrect:

You're not gonna find nowhere to run man, it's just you me and this desert here now

Another technical detail would be your use of tenses. The piece is written in the past tense, yet once in a while you inexplicably flip to the present tense:

I couldn't quite understand his behaviour ...... I can't remember the last time a saw a weightless white cloud in a blissful blue sky

This may have been for effect, but it doesn't work

Some of the sentences are clumsy:

I don't know what he wants with me but he isn't going to kill me, of that I'm certain.

Some are beautiful:

I can't remember the last time a saw a weightless white cloud in a blissful blue sky

Keeping it simple, and not over-focusing on minor details are key here.

It looks like the work of an amateur; there are some derivitave, hackneyed phrases:

Out in this place there's not much to smile about.

But I think you've got a nice style, and I think, with practice, that'll show itself a lot more. You just need to keep writing. You've definitely got a talent and the more you use it, the more polished your work will become.

I hope I haven't been too harsh. It's very brave of you to post your work here (something I wouldn't do), and I admire it. I'm just trying to point out what I see (and I'm only 1 guy) as constructive appraisal.

Best of luck.

Dave

Edit: I've just noted your age (I purposely checked your profile), and hving seen that you're only 16, I'm a lot more impressed. It's very good for someone your age. Keep going. Write everyday, and learn from it. Again, best of luck.

skateing dragon

Wow. Great criticism. Thanks alot.

It's rare to get good criticism like that on a board and I think I can learn from it alot so thanks.

Just a note about the tenses: I know they are a bit mixed but it's meant to be present tense so I'll fix the mistakes.

Thanks again.