Baby won't stay with minder.

Shelli

I'm have awful trouble with my 8th old son, he cries constantly when I leave him with the minder, so much so that she says he's upsetting the other children she minds and she might not be able to take him anymore!!

He was fine for the first few months, but it's only been like this for the last 3 weeks. He only goes to her 2 days per week. He is teething at the moment, which makes him a little clingy, but he's normally fine at home or even with his grandparents.

Any suggestions?

Beruthiel

Shelli wrote: »

but it's only been like this for the last 3 weeks

Is it possible that something happened him 3 weeks ago that makes him afraid to stay with her now?

Shelli

I don't think so, the minder is very good and I'd trust her to tell me if anything happened.

Oryx

This could be his first attempt to impose his own likes and dislikes on everyone. You could try a few different things with him. Change your drop off routine. If you hang about, dont, if you run off quickly, go in with him and play for a few minutes to help him settle. Distraction might be an idea. Produce a new teddy/dummy/sweet (i know last resort, sweeties) as you bring him in, so thats what he is fixed on as you leave. Dont let him pick up on any stress of yours as you drop him off. If the situation upsets you, dont let it show or he will get upset too.

And above all double and triple check that everything is ok with the minder. A big worry of mine would be something that goes on there (Im not saying anything bad, it could just be excess noise or a smell!) is annoying him.

Abi

Babies go through funny phases. First they are clingy and needy. Then they get adventurous and rebelious before they get clingy again! both of mine went through this. Persevering is the only way to get through this. Teething is always a difficult time. And they do prefer to be around someone they know extremely well at that stage. Time might be against you in the mornings, but what if you got there a bit earlier? you could ease your little one in gently, and when someone is transfixed on a toy you make your escape!.There is a little boy at my sons montessori who has cried every morning since he started with my sons class since last Sept., but I think its the way that it is handled. Both parent and minder must work together on this. You have to create a connection between your child and the minder in order for it to work. And as the last poster said, it could be a toy or a cartoon. What if you left your little ones favourite DVD's? its comforting for them to have something familiar with them. Try not to stress too much. Being with other people / children gives them the vital social skills they need to prepare them for school and the rest of their lives imo.

I know its upsetting for you both, but go with it.

Shelli

I really want to work throught this with him and not give in to every little whim he has, but if the minder won't take him anymore then there's not much I can do.

Thanks for all the replies, I'll talk to the minder and see about going in late to work a few times to stay with him a bit at the minders.

Abi

Shelli wrote: »

but if the minder won't take him anymore then there's not much I can do

I actually find this quite unreasonable tbh. I know a minder isnt expected to hold a wee untill you get back, but she has to be willing to earn her money. In her profession she would know all about the different stages a child goes through, how personalities amongst each child differs etc. Any minder worth their salt wouldnt ultimatum you on this.

What is the situation, is she minding other children? Is it a legit business or is she child-minding on the side? this bares no judgement on you as a mum, because I know how hard it is to may ends meet - believe me. Some of them can seem very friendly to the mum, people pleasers if you will - when at the back of it all, all they want is the cash and an easy life.

Im not saying that is what I think your minder is, but just trying to tick all the boxes. This must be very frustrating for you Shelli

Redpunto

Ì know my big fella (little at the time) went through a terrible phase of screaming for us when we left......we;d try all distractions like tv and then sneak out but luckily we were leaving him with grandparents and he might cry a while but would settle down. So it could be an age/phase thing...not much help to you though.

I would have to agree with abigayle, its the childminders job to mind the child and for the child to be happy in the process, the same if a child was in school crying, the teacher would have to take some responsibilty for it. Has she said that she'll be unwilling to take him if he continues to cry? If shes a professional childcare worker then she of all people should know that you cant dictate to a baby "not to cry".

Shelli

I may have painted her in a bad light, I mean if he's that hysterical then I wouldn't want to leave him anyway. The first day it happened she left is as long as possible before calling me, till about 3.30pm, and he was so upset poor wee thing, he even had a sore nose cuase he rubs it when he cries. She really did try her best to settle him to no avail.
I've suggested staying with him a little longer and she seemd happy with that, see if it helps.

What she said today (after about 3 weeks, 2 days a week of him getting completely hysterical for the whole time he's with her) was something along the lines of "I've had clingy ones before, and I've tried everything I can with him, but if this continues we may have to find some other solution because he's upsetting all the other children too". I don't blame her either, if children who have been with her much longer than my son are getting upset because of him, then it's also threatening her reputation and income.

Ickle Magoo

Maybe another minder is just what he needs? It sounds silly but I think some adults & children just don't get along on a very basic level, despite the necessary tasks like feeding & changing being done.

My son was at a creche & was delighted to see his minder every day, then he moved classes when he went part-time & started screaming blue murder as soon as he saw his new room/minder...I tried staying with him, I tried doing as the creche suggested & dropping him & running but the problem just got worse until it got to the stage just getting him ready to leave the house would cause clinging & roaring. In the end I took him out altogether. Go with your instincts, if they are telling you he's not happy there then, if possible, find somewhere else.

Abi

Shelli wrote: »

if children who have been with her much longer than my son are getting upset because of him, then it's also threatening her reputation and income.

Shelli, I dont mean to sound funny but.. your little one is so very young right now. Its impossible for her to expect an 8mth old to come in boot-camp style behaved. Give your child some credit here- age, teething etc. I know its easy for me as a mom to be defensive of my kids, but theres also the expected behaviours. By this I mean; linkage to being tired/sick/teething/developmental clinging stages. I cant help it but root for you and your child here. It would wreck my head to be not only enduring the stress of dropping off my very upset child and given the bold girl treatment from the childminder, simply because she hasnt managed to connect with him over the last while.

Never mind what I think anyway, Im just throwing my thoughts around - how Id feel if it were me.

Whats your thoughts at the moment Shelli? Is it possible that grandparents can mind him f/t until you get a new set up? if that were the case of course.. and if not, what will you say to C/M?

Shelli

My mam minds him the other 3 days, the minder was really to give her a bit of a break as she was struggling to manage 5 days a week.

I'm going to go with him to the minder next week for the first half of the day and have a look at how he interacts with the minder and the other children. Then see if he settles, I guess if that doesn't work I'll have to find an alternative arrangement.

di11on

I wouldn't take the chance... I'd move little junior. Something changed to change the poor little fella's feelings about the place. Whatever it was, I'd try somewhere else and see if that "fixes" it.

Also, the problem at this stage is that since the minder is saying your little guy is upsetting the others, he is making life more difficult for her and she seems to have developed a negative attitude towads him. He's going to pick up on this and it won't do his self esteem any good.

Personally, I'd cut your losses and move on.

I know that's so much easier to say because finding child care is a real pain.

run_Forrest_run

Could it be that your boy enjoys more attention from the granny and in the child minder's there's a competition for attention in the form of other children?

I have often seen big differences in children's/baby's behaviour between the ones minded by child minders/creche and grandparents.

Maybe try the child minder for a full 5 days and see how the child adjusts (granny can also enjoy a well deserved break!)

Just my tuppence worth!

luckat

I wonder are there any minders in Ireland that have webcams in action, so you can see how your kids are at all times?

Shelli

run_Forrest_run wrote: »

Could it be that your boy enjoys more attention from the granny and in the child minder's there's a competition for attention in the form of other children?

Thats quite possible, and I was kind of thinking that myself, I know my mam spoils him rotten and jumps to every little whine....which is why I thought time away with other children would be good for him :rolleyes:

luckat wrote: »

I wonder are there any minders in Ireland that have webcams in action, so you can see how your kids are at all times?

Thats would be a great idea, I'd love to be able to see my little one during the day, not even so much to check up on minder, just cuase i miss him soooooo much

deisemum

I once took on an 8 month old baby boy and his dad worked a 4 week roster so some weeks I'd only have the little boy 1 day, following week 3 days, 2 days another week.

He was at the clingy stage when he started with me and he spent most of his time crying and I spent most of my day holding him. Depending on his dad's work pattern it could be 11 days in between that I didn't have him so it took longer than normal for him to settle. We all perserved and he eventually settled and as he got older he'd often cry when his parents came to collect him and he didn't want to go home

I think it might be worth sending him to the childminders even if it's only for an hour or two on the other 3 mornings and see if he'll settle back into the routine, even if it's just for a short period.

run_Forrest_run

luckat wrote: »

I wonder are there any minders in Ireland that have webcams in action, so you can see how your kids are at all times?

hmm, it might be a good selling point for some minders and parents but to be honest anything on the web can be hacked and would you feel happy knowing that anyone on the net might be watching also.

I'm not too sure the minder would like the idea of it, how would you like a web cam plonked over your shoulder when you are working?

Also i feel it is important that parents leave their child with the minder and not be spending hours watching them from afar, that could cause more anxiety for the parent(s).

If you feel you would like a web cam in the child minders then I think you should consider getting a different child minder or a different setup.

luckat

I suppose anything can be hacked, but they're common enough in the US, from all I hear. Don't know how they work - passwords, I assume.

Hang on....

Quick Google....

http://www.lovingeyes.tv/

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/kid/651074993.html

and even

http://www.onlinedoggy.com/testimonials_owners.aspx

run_Forrest_run

luckat wrote: »

I suppose anything can be hacked, but they're common enough in the US, from all I hear. Don't know how they work - passwords, I assume.

Hang on....

Quick Google....

http://www.lovingeyes.tv/

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/kid/651074993.html

and even

http://www.onlinedoggy.com/testimonials_owners.aspx

they seem to be catering more for dogs than humans
Seriously, what sort of person would want to watch their dog while they are away! Some people really need to get out more:pac:

luckat

Well, um, surely they *are* out more if they're looking at their dogs on webcams? :rolleyes:

run_Forrest_run

luckat wrote: »

Well, um, surely they *are* out more if they're looking at their dogs on webcams? :rolleyes:

wow, thanks for showing me the error in my *logic* :rolleyes: um.

Victor

Have you tried other combinations? Stay for the day. Let granny take the child to the minder's place. Leave child with other grandparents / aunts/uncles, etc.

run_Forrest_run

Victor wrote: »

Have you tried other combinations? Stay for the day. Let granny take the child to the minder's place. Leave child with other grandparents / aunts/uncles, etc.

just my opinion but I think this is one of the problems here, too many chopping and changing. a baby likes routine and i think dropping the child at one place one day and another place the next doesn't help the child accept and settle with their surroundings.