Move to London or stay in good job here?

merritt

So, I've been seeing a guy for over three years. All going well but he lives in London and I'm here.

So far, the long-distance thing has been OK; I enjoy the once a month weekend of fun in London or Dublin and, working in a university, I usually get a few weeks here and there to travel.

Last year, my career began to take off (as much as it can do in the education sector!) and after many years of doing crap work for crap pay, I was delighted. I was finally doing something that I was both good at and that gave me satisfaction. We agreed that I should concentrate on the career for the moment with a view to my being more marketable in London at a later date.

The job is still great and there are more opportunities for me if I stay in it. In contrast, the sector in London seems less open and certainly less well paid (if I can get a post at all...)

But I don't know if I can continue the long-distance thing much more. I want to be with my partner more and more.

I once swore that I'd never let a man get in the way of my career/personal ambitions ever again, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm beginning to think that I should go, and take the consequences. He's well off and can support me if needs be, but I would have rather gone being able to support myself.

What to do!? Any advice gratefully accepted....:(

RedXIV

Any advice i can give would simply be my opinion of what I'D do in that situation. And i can tell you pretty confidently that i'd make a bad decision. I'd be inclined to go over so i can spend more time with the partner and get a job where i can. But you have to wonder, what happens if you and your partner don't succeed together? Leaves you in london with a bad job and no contacts.

Have you ever considered the thought of him coming over to ireland?
If it's absolutely unthinkable to him, then he has an idea of how difficult this is for you.

It's ultimately gonna come down to which you think is going to make the bigger impact in your life? The partner or the career.

Realise this isn't the best advice in the world, but hopefully its better than nothing

Needless Gossip

I'd be inclined to say go for it.

Just be sure to sort out a job for yourself before you get there, as if you go over there and aren't working, you'll be spending way too much time together and you will become dependant on him. That's not good.

Your career here sounds good, but at the end of the day, that's not what's really important.

If you don't take a shot at this you'll spend your whole life regretting it. If it doesn't work out, well it doesn't work out. You'll get another job, but you may not find somebody else that you feel this way about.

Just make sure you have a job lined up for yourself before you go though, I think that's important. If it's a bit of a pay decrease, well f*** it, it's only money!

Good luck.

Curvy Vixen

OP you don't say how long you've been doing the long distance thing?

I would say you need to sit down with a piece of paper divided in half and do an honest list of the pro's and con's of both choices i.e. staying or going. Also consider that there are other choices, for instance your partner moving here, both of you moving somewhere else together or giving it another year or whatever to see where it goes.

If possible it would help if you could get some time off work, even lumping all your annual leave together maybe, and head over to the UK, 'live' (rather than 'holiday') with your partner and look at job prospects.

Myself and my husband did the long distance thing for 2 years and we were blissfully happy (we knew each other for 15 years before that). He moved here from the UK and we got married 3 years ago. Sadly it's not the same being together as it is having lovely weekends/weeks together....:mad:

Marksie

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

OP you don't say how long you've been doing the long distance thing?:

i belive CV she said three years approx

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

I would say you need to sit down with a piece of paper divided in half and do an honest list of the pro's and con's of both choices i.e. staying or going. Also consider that there are other choices, for instance your partner moving here, both of you moving somewhere else together or giving it another year or whatever to see where it goes.:

I would agree with that comment, has your partner OP expressed an interest in having you move over permanently.
You could let your career develop with the aims of gettinga job in the UK, are there more opportunities? Don't put your eggs in one basket in this by having an either or. By all means think about it seriously, but ensure you are pushing forward in all aspects of your life.

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

If possible it would help if you could get some time off work, even lumping all your annual leave together maybe, and head over to the UK, 'live' (rather than 'holiday') with your partner and look at job prospects.

Thats one way indeed

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

Myself and my husband did the long distance thing for 2 years and we were blissfully happy (we knew each other for 15 years before that). He moved here from the UK and we got married 3 years ago. Sadly it's not the same being together as it is having lovely weekends/weeks together....:mad:

QFT. I was in a LDR and did exactly what you are describing OP.
The weekend/week was absolutely brilliant as all concerned were really with it.
But the jard work started when i moved over to Dublin. Having done exactly what you described. in the end three years later it was over, but i had forged a life and career so stayed. But that is life and you take your chances and make choices.
i am not going to say don't do it, juts be aware of the differences between LDR and day to day.

If you do move over make sure that its for the right reasons, that you have your career thought through as well. YOU can have both..its shouldnt necessarily be an either or.

valleyoftheunos

Moving to be with someone can be very hard and difficult, for both of you. you aren't just giving up your career but your friends, your family and your way of life.

The hardest part of the move will be not resenting him for all of that. I know more than one person who has moved to be with someone and found that a) the realationship wasn't the same when they were together and b) they found it all but impossible to setlte and they ended up taking their frustrations out on their partner. in all cases the relationship lasted less than a year.

My advice so is that you proceed with caution. London is tough city, My own experience of moving there was that it took me a full year to settle and enjoy the place and that was with the help of large group of active friends.

Best of Luck either way.

kmick

Just be careful you dont put yourself in a position where you cant support yourself and are fully reliant on someone else. There are too many ways that scenario can go wrong.

redfacedbear

If you are in the public education sector are options like career breaks available to you? That way you could give yourself a year to try it out while always having the fall-back if things don't work out in one way or another.

Sleepy

refacedbear posted my opinion exactly on this one. Take a sebatical and while in London take some temp job that bores you silly just to push the relationship vs career test.

If the option's not there for your partner to move here, you're going to either lose your partner or your career so you need to find out which is worth more to you in a fashion where you won't lose both.

merritt

Thanks so much for the responses everyone. Certainly some things there that I hadn't considered.

To fill in a few gaps:

I'm all for moving there rather than him moving here. He's got a very good job there (money-wise) and he'd feel less enamoured about moving here. He did look into it a while back, did a few interviews but didn't feel there was a suitable post. But as I say, I'm quite happy to move.

I work in a university, so I will look into the sabbatical/career break option. I've only been permanent for a year, but have worked there for several years. There might be a possibility there.

Scary about the people who've had lovely LTRs then have it fall apart once together! From my standpoint, I feel the relationship might fall apart if we don't live together!

Thanks again for the advice and good wishes.

iguana

merritt wrote: »

Scary about the people who've had lovely LTRs then have it fall apart once together! From my standpoint, I feel the relationship might fall apart if we don't live together!

To be fair the majority of LDRs will end if at some point one or the other partner doesn't move. There are very few people who can have a permanent LDR. My husband and I started out as an LDR and despite it being a bit of a tough transition it worked out fine in the end. We certainly wouldn't still be together if we had continued living on opposite ends of the country.

Curvy Vixen

merritt wrote: »

Scary about the people who've had lovely LTRs then have it fall apart once together! From my standpoint, I feel the relationship might fall apart if we don't live together!

Thanks again for the advice and good wishes.

And please don't base your possible relationship on others that haven't been so good. Everyone is different and my hubby and I were in our late 30's and mid 40's when we got together and had been independant for a very long time. We just found it really hard to share space and time on a permanent basis with someone ~ and it could have been anyone to be honest, it wasn't because of us living together if that makes sense?

One of the mistakes I think we made (if it helps?) was that he became totally dependant on me. He was looking for work so was at home during the day for a couple of months, had no friends here and no interests really. So as I walked throught the door he was there in my face like a puppy (don't mean that as an insult just trying to explain in words!) He was like 'hiya, how are you, how was your day, any news, guess what? Where did you have lunch? What did you have for lunch?' and I wouldn't even have had my coat off at that stage! Going from living alone to that can be quite intense for some people!

I think I mentally started pushing him away nearly from the start because I felt quite overwhelmed and very 'responsible' for him ~ it being my 'fault' if you like that he was in that predicament.

I have no idea if this rambling helps at all but I know that it was a big issue that we faced...

merritt

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

I think I mentally started pushing him away nearly from the start because I felt quite overwhelmed and very 'responsible' for him ~ it being my 'fault' if you like that he was in that predicament..

That does make sense as I've been in that position too. A previous bf moved over from France, had a hard time finding work, friends and coping with the weather and expense, so I felt responsible for his unhappiness. It ended too, but we are friends. He's much happier too (he chose to stay, found a new relationship, settled down and 'found himself' jobwise - thank goodness!)

I'm mid 30s and the bf is early 40s. Both of us are pretty level-headed and independent, but beginning to feel that the occasional weekend just isn't working.

Later today, I'm going to hear about the career option possibility in the college. That might give me the best of both worlds!

Thanks again for all your suggestions