Am I too defensive?

LegacyUser

I don't think I am Mr. Perfect, but in general I would consider myself to be a kind and caring boyfriend.

My girlfriend nags and gives out a lot.

Example 1: Last Wednesday night I didn't get much sleep. The next day I did my usual 9 - 5 work and then went to college in the evening to do a three hour exam. Earlier in the day I told my girlfriend I would drop around to her place after college.

Anyway, college finished at 9.45 and I got home after 10. I was totally shattered. An hour later I arrive at my girlfriend's place with dinner. She gives out to me because she expected me to call around immediately after college. I had to defend myself.

Example 2: Last night my girlfriend and I were very drunk. We were tripping each other up and wrestling. It was fun and playful. We were both being quite aggressive. I stupidly grabbed her by the hair and used it pick her up off the ground. Now I don't mean I yanked her hair out or lifted her off the ground! I mean I used her hair to move her, just like the way you might pull someones arm to move them towards you. It did not hurt her but I accept this was a bit rough. It was completely a mistake though and I had just gotten a bit carried away. Anyway she thought this was terrible and she ran home.

I called her to apologise.

This morning I called her again to apologise and (because I'm due to her overreacting to things) told her please don't overreact and say I was trying to hurt you, as it was an accident and I just didn't realise how rough I was being.

She thinks what I did is disgraceful and that I should be ashamed of myself.

I think she is overreacting and as usual I am having to defend myself!

The result of all this is that I have to defend myself about something nearly every day. I have tried to explain to her that she overreacts to things and that she gives out about things which are either accidental or non-issues, but she does not accept this.

Because of this constant nagging I feel it is natural that I am defending myself all the time.

Also when I try to tell her that she is too aggressive or that she too easily goes on the attack, she says I am criticising her, that she can't do anything right in my eyes, and that I am playing the victim.

Am I wrong or does she need to cop on?

Sorry for the long post.

AckwelFoley

lkjhgfdsa wrote: »

My girlfriend nags and gives out a lot.

.

Lol.. dont be sorry for the long post. This is what is for

Im going to get slated for this but by the nature of the beast.. all women seem to nag alot


Dont be too quick to apologise if you think you have in principal done nothing wrong.

Stick in there if you love her Try not to let it get to you too much

cowzerp

Pulling her hair was stupid, but she sounds like a cow!
if i was you i'd jump ship and leave her to annoy someone else, or dont mess fight with her as you's obviosly dont know how to do this. and she is a drama queen that will probably say you beat her up..

Overheal

Playing is fine and all but if she can't accept a slip up like that then don't play.

helimachoptor

Op women always nag, it's their mission in life!

I do play with the oh but to be honest it usually ends up with her getting hurt as i'm a boy and stronger but i never mean it. Though she has given me a few hard knees in the crown jewels "accidentally" of course

Overheal

Well its not just scruffl'ing either: she does seem a bit wound up if she is over-reacting about your 'tardiness'

jellie

not condoning your gfs behaviour, it does seem a bit childish, but are you maybe unaware of your own strength?

is it that you hurt her thats not acceptable or that you took her hair?

id often mess fight with my bf or he might playfully slap my a*s or whatever but he doesnt know his own strength. hes pretty strong & what he might see as a playful tap on the a*s might actually be pretty feckin sore to me! so in cases like this id get a bit annoyed with him. although in saying that its usually more of "OW WTF!?" type thing thats over in 2 mins. but might it be something like this?

smiler26

OP, it sounds a bit OTT for me. If I were you, I'd tell her exactly how you feel and how much her irrational behaviour upsets you. Time to draw the line, otherwise this behaviour could get worse

Ishindar

sounds like she wants dominance over u and probably driven by insecurity. She does it in a negative, passive agressive way.
its very ugly behavior and easily fixed if she understands her own behavior.
I would recommend u discuss it with her in an exploritory open way under the umberella of improving your relationship by understanding each other better. as understanding her own behavior goes a long way towards fixing it.

Redpunto

SOunds to me like youre not suited to one another, why continue in a negative relationship. Pulling her hair was stupid and id be peed off about it but sounds like shes on the defensive coz maybe she wants out?

davyjose

It comes down to the fact that she desn't want to forgive you for this - you did something you shouldn't have (let's be honest), but she seems to be enjoying having you over a barrell on this.
Be tougher, tell her you've apologised and if she doesn't want to forgive you, then there's nothing more you can do. Then hang up.

drunkmonkey

You need to make up a special word that means stop...

Something like....."crunchie bar"....you know a word you wouldn't say no matter how rough it gets....every couple should have one as a rule as we can all get a bit carried away now and again....

She does sound a bit domineering, tell her you seretly enjoyed pulling her hair and see how it goes down....be ready to start laughing just in case it backfires and you need to say you were only messing....

I don't mean to sound nieave but do not all couples pull each others hair.....:rolleyes:

silverstealth

Mate when a woman has the ability to get you that charged that you become violent then its time to leave, (Pronto) its not a situation I would be comfortable with.

Just count yourself lucky your not married or have kids, this parting of the waves really needs to be done because I can only see it getting worse.

BubbleWrap85

As a woman myself [last time I looked], I'd say she's completely overreacting. First example you gave she was totally riduclous and out of line. Now we can all get into our moods and the likes, but if this is a regular occurrence as you say it is where you are trying to defend yourself and the likes I'd say something needs to be done. Regarding the playful fun that got a bit out of hand, she sounds like a stroppy teenager to me. I can understand maybe you didn't realise your own strength, but she should have realised that you didn't mean it. No way should she have marched off, and she certainly shouldn't be making you suffer now and beg somewhat for her forgiveness! [Jaysus what would she do if you forgot her birthday her something!!! Where's that damn "shocked" smiley........]

Kooli

I have to say I don't think it's as clear cut that she is the 'crazy one' and you are totally in the right here.

You guys just have some communication problems, and the way you talk to each other breeds defensiveness (particularly her, admittedly).

It sounds like your automatic response is to defend yourself, rather than perhaps listening to what she had to say. Like in the first example, maybe she wasn't expecting to be sitting around until 11pm, and she would just like you to call and let her know. She may not have the best way of getting that across but it's important to understand what is upsetting for her. Perhaps she felt taken for granted.

Then by pulling her up by her hair you crossed a line, which you admit. But you qualified your apology with 'now don't overreact like usual' (or something to that effect), which for me kind of dilutes the apology part.

So that's me taking her side for a moment.

But in general, when arguments take the form of accusations and name-calling "you are disgraceful", "You are X" "You made me feel X", the automatic response is defensiveness because we are being attacked.

So a better way of arguing needs to be developed - talking about how we feel, without blaming the other person for it, is the best way to do that. Asking for what we want rather than giving out about what we don't want. Trying to understand each other's position, rather than trying to automatically defend our own - the goal should be to resolve things, not to 'win' or prove your point or make the other person back down. That's the way forward I say!

kizzyr

Yes she is over reacting but as was already pointed out its not a black and white situation.
I can fully understand why you wanted to go home for a while after college and I think she over reacted to your late arrival. However if you had sent her a text to say you were wrecked, going to head home for a while and you'd see her later at approx time X she may not have been so annoyed or had any excuse to be annoyed.
The wrestling while drunk (tbh at all) is a recipe for disaster. Men are almost always much stronger than women and can forget this and end up hurting someone albeit accidentally. It sounds as though this is what happened with you guys. Again I do think she over reacted and is making a big drama out of it, you've apologised sincerely and that should be that.
I think you two need to have a talk about her tendency to immediately get narky with you which then in turn makes you be overly defensive.
Good luck with it just remember "moving" a girl using her hair does hurt