Are guys afraid of commitment?

LegacyUser

Like many of my female friends, I have found myself dumped lately by my boyfriend of 3 years and he listed the main reason why is that he feels to young to commit to me. Now he had other reasons as well, but they had nothing to do with our relationship as such. One of my other friends split up with her boyfriend of 5 years and he said the same thing, and said if they get back together it will be to get engaged. Lucky her!

I still feel very confused about our break-up, because like one of the other PI posters here, I was best friends with my boyfriend, we had a great sex life, life was good! We rarely fought, and it was usually over insignificant silly things, that were resolved quickly. He has been very clear that he wants to stay friends and says he's unhappy that I want time to think before we can be friends and if we can be friends. However, there is no way that I will be able to be friends with with him for a very long time. I feel that this is a bit harsh in some ways as he didn't do anything wrong and was very good to me, but I can't bear the thought of seeing him with other girls:(

Even my own parents broke up a good few times and got back together and lived happily ever after, but the break-ups were all done by dad, and it was because he felt unsure/too young to commit. Do guys NEED to go out an sow their wild oats?!

We were in our early 20's when we got together and in our mid-20s now.

AngryBadger

I can't speak for all guys obviously, but in my experience most women, (as in any woman I've ever had any kind of romantic relationship with), are waaaaaayyyy more eager to get into committed relationships than guys are.

My own opinion on this is that women generally get more out of relationships than men. Most women I know want children at some point. In order to facilitate this they generally want a man around. So automatically once a woman has a guy she's that much closer to having kids.

Women tend to lean on their partners way more than their partners lean on them for emotional support. So again in an average scenario the guy is losing out here.

On a more practical note, in the longer term a guy has next to no legal protection. If he gets married, regardless of how good a dad/provider/husband he is there is next to no legal support for him.

So what you don't realise is that from a guys perspective we're uually getting the short straw.

Ideally none of us (men/women) want to get into situations where things are that one-sided, so guys are usually more content to stay single and wait for THE ONE. Someone where a lot of the imbalances I've just outlined don't exist, and someone for whom they'd be willing to shoulder those imbalances regardless.

Obviously what I'm saying doesn't apply to ALL relationships, I'm not even saying it applies to a majority. I am saying it aplies to a significant number of relationships, and has been typical of every romantic encounter I've ever had. And as a guy i'm definitely not as quick as a woman to get into a relationship.

So, i guess my point is that your bf obviously isn't wherever you are about your relationship, and in a broader sense I think guys ARE slower than women to commit to things.

NoQuarter

commitaphobe wrote: »

Do guys NEED to go out an sow their wild oats?!

cant all be tarnished with the same brush, some do, some dont, millions upon millions of men and women alike in long term steady realtionships out there, and vice-versa.

just a bad experience, dont become a man-hater


/end thread.

jellie

i think sometimes it can be a case of the grass looking greener & wanting what they cant have. im not saying this just about men, but i have come across it with more men than women.

Some people when the initial fun getting to know each other bit isnt so fresh anymore & things become "normal" will look at single friends and think wow theyre having so much fun, free to go out whenever they want, be with whoever they want, not have to worry about anyone elses feelings. They dont thing theyll miss the relationship bit cause it might feel like a hassle sometimes.

Sorry i dont know where i was going with that, its just what came to mind when you said about fearing commitment

LegacyUser

As a guy in my mid 20s who is in a relationship, my answer to the question posed in the title would be 'YES!'

Of course not all men are the same but I am definitly freaked at the prospect of spending the rest of my life with my girlfriend while at the same time loving her with all my heart...its a stange one alright.

I guess it does come down to missing out on things

never having those 'start of relationship' butterflies again..that desperately exceiting feeling of what might be...no more first kisses...no more slightly awkward first fumblings in the dark and exploring a new body etc...no more being able to chat to a girl and flirting...no more being albe to be the object of flirtation. am i just too immature for a proper relationship?

i feel disgusted with myself after reading that back and i'm now on a total guilt trip because i love my gf to bits. yes, fairly pathetic alright.

sportswear

completely understand it to be honest. i have a girlfriend and I'm finding it pretty bent.

metaoblivia

I think generally speaking guys do find it harder to commit. There are always exceptions, but especially when they're younger, I think men have a biological drive to seek out more partners. It seems more women are interested in a secure relationship.
I'm not one of those women though My commitment-phobia is legendary and on going! So it definitely works both ways.

Puddleduck

yes, most men are commitment phobes..used to be one, fixed it, and now I want it back..my solution..dont get attached, spares the heartache

AckwelFoley

I think generally speaking guys do find it harder to commit. There are always exceptions, but especially when they're younger, I think men have a biological drive to seek out more partners. It seems more women are interested in a secure relationship.
I'm not one of those women though My commitment-phobia is legendary and on going! So it definitely works both ways

.

Yes *sigh* women can certainley be commitment phobic too.

I met the most gorgeous woman i had ever set my eyes on, a few months back in a bar. What made it worse is she approched me, and had a similar attraction toward me (oddly enough)

We were together for a short while, however she couldnt get used to the relationship thing.. she just enjyed her single life too much (we're both 30)

Anyhow.. it was great while it lasted!

Gran Hermano

Guys are the same as all people - afraid of commitment to a person
they may feel is not the 'right' person for them.

johnnyskeleton

I wouldn't say afraid, more that we just don't like it particularly.

Wagon

I'm not afraid of it. I dunno though, i know quite a few guys who are like me and then the rest would have nothing to do with it. On the other hand, I find it extremely difficult to be friends with an ex girlfriend. It varies from person to person, I know girls who don't want any relationship at all....

Carrigart Exile

AngryBadger wrote: »

I can't speak for all guys obviously, but in my experience most women, (as in any woman I've ever had any kind of romantic relationship with), are waaaaaayyyy more eager to get into committed relationships than guys are.

My own opinion on this is that women generally get more out of relationships than men. Most women I know want children at some point. In order to facilitate this they generally want a man around. So automatically once a woman has a guy she's that much closer to having kids.

Women tend to lean on their partners way more than their partners lean on them for emotional support. So again in an average scenario the guy is losing out here.

On a more practical note, in the longer term a guy has next to no legal protection. If he gets married, regardless of how good a dad/provider/husband he is there is next to no legal support for him.

So what you don't realise is that from a guys perspective we're uually getting the short straw.

Ideally none of us (men/women) want to get into situations where things are that one-sided, so guys are usually more content to stay single and wait for THE ONE. Someone where a lot of the imbalances I've just outlined don't exist, and someone for whom they'd be willing to shoulder those imbalances regardless.

Obviously what I'm saying doesn't apply to ALL relationships, I'm not even saying it applies to a majority. I am saying it aplies to a significant number of relationships, and has been typical of every romantic encounter I've ever had. And as a guy i'm definitely not as quick as a woman to get into a relationship.

So, i guess my point is that your bf obviously isn't wherever you are about your relationship, and in a broader sense I think guys ARE slower than women to commit to things.

Absolutley 100% accurate. Thanks to the inequality of the divorce system, marraige (the usual end result of long term commitment) is now a financial and emotional precipice for guys.

Wibbs

There's something to what AngryBadger writes alright, but it of course really depends on the guy in question. The answer really is some are, some are not.

Reku

Could simply be down to women having from a shorter time for procreation, as such they, in general, need to rush into it more, men, in general, instead want to wait until they feel ready financially, emotionally and in terms of life experiences.
Perhaps another reason for the whole women going for older men thing, older man is more likely to be in a place where he is feeling ready to settle down.
Another thing is that women seem far more prone to the unhappy in the relationship but too afraid of being alone mentality than men (again possibly due to the whole feeling* of having a shelf-life), so perhaps the break-ups are not all simply about commitment issues and there were deeper issues but the men were the ones to finally call it a day?


*silly one IMO, kids are not the be-all and end-all of life.

Burning Eclipse

I'm 25 this month and have only had one serious relationship, that being for the last 5 years. Afraid of commitment, nope, in this for good.

Best friend (same age) has been with his girlfriend since they were in 5th year in Secondary school, so, going on 9 years now. Again, afraid to commit, hells no.

So to answer your question, no guys are not afraid to commit, some are however. Just like some women are. Simple as. You can't tar us all with the same brush.

Marksie

One thing that hasn't been clarified is exactly what is defined by commitment.

For some it is purely emotional and sexual monogamy, for others its house kids and family.
and still for others its emotional commitment without the monogamy, the so called polyamoury state.

Now i am taking widely divergent examples her to illustrate the potential difference in opinions.

There is a feeling i get that a lot of this stems from people not being fully aware of what commitment means to the other and therefore not being able to seek accpetance and compromise with the two viewpoints.

There have been examples of both males and females who have this so called "phobia". It may simply be that their idea of commitment differs from the person they are with.
There is a tendancey to believe that commitment shoud have a specific goal and that unless certain milestones are reached at certain times it is therefore not a committed relationship. if you extrapolate this you can see how both parties can feel either trapped or frustrated that its not going the way it "should"
i heard this described at the weekend as the consumerist view of loving, that somthing has to be obtained or its value is meaningless.

LegacyUser

I'm the OP, think I've the same name....Well, I guess in my case my ex says he still love me, he's in love with me still attracted all that, but thinks that he's too young to get married and doesn't want to string me along, cos we could break up anyway in a few years. I, however think that's ****. He went from being my best friend, to someone I can't read at all. Anyway, I wasn't in the mood to settle down, but a few friends had lately and I think he got scared. I'm not really sure that there is any other underlying issue. He's very upset that I won't just be friends with him straight away. I don't know if we'll ever be able to be friends. He has definitely assured me it's the prospect of marriage that scares him. My own father has said the same of his realtionship with my mother, but he says he saw sense one of the times they broke up and proposed to get her back. I don't know. I just know that just being friends seems like a difficult prospect.

Jack B. Badd

commitabphobe wrote: »

He has definitely assured me it's the prospect of marriage that scares him.

Where's the marriage issue coming from? Have you been pushing it or is he just assuming that marriage is something that people "do" after they've been in a relationship for x amount of time?
Personally, I don't get the whole commitment issue as it relates to marriage. If you fear marriage or don't want to get married then don't. If you're partner differs in opinion then compromises/adjustments may have to be made. However there's nothing to say that you have to get hitched just because you're in a relationship (apart from it being social convention but you don't have to be a sheep).

BaZmO*

Guys only find it hard to commit if they're not 100% into their partner. The same can be said about girls too.

I think the only exception (to a degree) is when the person in question has very limited experience outside the relationship and thinks that they need to experience being with someone else. But even with that said, everybody is different.

MAKE MY DAY

BaZmO* wrote: »

Guys only find it hard to commit if they're not 100% into their partner. The same can be said about girls too.

I think the only exception (to a degree) is when the person in question has very limited experience outside the relationship and thinks that they need to experience being with someone else. But even with that said, everybody is different.

Or people who have been seriously hurt in past relationships

Dragan

To be honest i am normally the one to commit early.

Not sure why your boyfriend would have dumped you, sounds like he wants to see the sights a bit to be honest.

BaZmO*

MAKE MY DAY wrote: »

Or people who have been seriously hurt in past relationships

Maybe, but the OP's boyfriend hasn't used that as an excuse. And, if that was a genuine reason it could be resolved after 3 years of going out with someone especially if the someone you were afraid to commit to wanted to marry you.


OP - Forgot to mention that the bit were you said that your ex got p1ssed about you not wanting to be friends even though he split with you is well out of order and smacks of someone wanting to have their cake and eat it too. Don't feel guilty about wanting some space to get your head together.

allabouteve

Gran Hermano wrote: »

Guys are the same as all people - afraid of commitment to a person
they may feel is not the 'right' person for them.

Totally true for women as well. I get close to a man and suddenly he expects to see me reguarly, wants me to meet his family etc., and I want to bolt. Don't expect anything from me and I'm fine, but start making coupley demands and I'm gone. I realise this is my problem, and I suppose it's a control/independance thing. To the op I'd say that you're still very young both of you, and if he needs time, there's no way around it. Very very few people are truly ready for a lasting commitment in their mid-twenties.

Gemini Sister

AngryBadger wrote: »

I can't speak for all guys obviously, but in my experience most women, (as in any woman I've ever had any kind of romantic relationship with), are waaaaaayyyy more eager to get into committed relationships than guys are.

My own opinion on this is that women generally get more out of relationships than men. Most women I know want children at some point. In order to facilitate this they generally want a man around. So automatically once a woman has a guy she's that much closer to having kids.

Women tend to lean on their partners way more than their partners lean on them for emotional support. So again in an average scenario the guy is losing out here.

On a more practical note, in the longer term a guy has next to no legal protection. If he gets married, regardless of how good a dad/provider/husband he is there is next to no legal support for him.

So what you don't realise is that from a guys perspective we're uually getting the short straw.

Ideally none of us (men/women) want to get into situations where things are that one-sided, so guys are usually more content to stay single and wait for THE ONE. Someone where a lot of the imbalances I've just outlined don't exist, and someone for whom they'd be willing to shoulder those imbalances regardless.

Obviously what I'm saying doesn't apply to ALL relationships, I'm not even saying it applies to a majority. I am saying it aplies to a significant number of relationships, and has been typical of every romantic encounter I've ever had. And as a guy i'm definitely not as quick as a woman to get into a relationship.

So, i guess my point is that your bf obviously isn't wherever you are about your relationship, and in a broader sense I think guys ARE slower than women to commit to things.

Interesting points, angry badger. However I noticed another phenomenon among an older generation of Irish men. Those who walked out the door in their late twenties often come crawling back in their thirties, often to the same ladies. This has happened again and again among my mates. The majority of men in their late thirties are in as much of a scramble to have babies as women, in my experience, they just don't want their mates to perceive them that way, its not cool or macho. And whats the alternative? Most people are too set in their ways by their 40s to accomodate the change of starting a family.

Saddest of all is the forty something men, bald, chain smoking, haven't even pulled a drunk fat bird in two years but still hanging off the end of a bar cause they don't have anywhere else to be. Angry Badger, nobody wants to shag that guy. And nobody realises they are that guy til its too late.

Gemini Sister

BaZmO* wrote: »

Guys only find it hard to commit if they're not 100% into their partner. The same can be said about girls too.

I think the only exception (to a degree) is when the person in question has very limited experience outside the relationship and thinks that they need to experience being with someone else. But even with that said, everybody is different.

Agree 100%.

AARRRGH

BaZmO* wrote: »

Guys only find it hard to commit if they're not 100% into their partner. The same can be said about girls too.

I was just about to post that.

OP your ex obviously had his doubts about you and your relationship.

Saying all that... I would agree in general men are more likely to be more cautious about commitment.

LegacyUser

No he has no baggage/trust issues or hurt from previous relationships. I guess we're both young. A lot of my friends have got engaged or had babies lately, I haven't made a big deal about it, but he has got steadily nervous. But ya, I know he can't have his cake and eat it too. Thanks for all the comments everyone!

AngryBadger

Gemini Sister wrote: »

Interesting points, angry badger. However I noticed another phenomenon among an older generation of Irish men. Those who walked out the door in their late twenties often come crawling back in their thirties, often to the same ladies....Angry Badger, nobody wants to shag that guy. And nobody realises they are that guy til its too late.

ummm....right, well I'm not disputing any of that.

Carrigart Exile

Gemini Sister wrote: »

Interesting points, angry badger. However I noticed another phenomenon among an older generation of Irish men. Those who walked out the door in their late twenties often come crawling back in their thirties, often to the same ladies. This has happened again and again among my mates. The majority of men in their late thirties are in as much of a scramble to have babies as women, in my experience, they just don't want their mates to perceive them that way, its not cool or macho. And whats the alternative? Most people are too set in their ways by their 40s to accomodate the change of starting a family.

Saddest of all is the forty something men, bald, chain smoking, haven't even pulled a drunk fat bird in two years but still hanging off the end of a bar cause they don't have anywhere else to be. Angry Badger, nobody wants to shag that guy. And nobody realises they are that guy til its too late.

so was this helping the OP or just getting one back for the sisterhood?

Overheal

dublindude wrote: »

I was just about to post that.

OP your ex obviously had his doubts about you and your relationship.

Saying all that... I would agree in general men are more likely to be more cautious about commitment.

I was thinking that myself. That your ex has doubts that he isnt expressing - maybe because he doesnt want to burn his bridges in case he is making the wrong choice: but doubts that are strong enough to want to break away.

LegacyUser

Well now he has contacted me and told me that he is depressed and going to go to the doctor. I think his dad told him he thought he had been depressed for a while. I feel like I should be a friend and there for him. But he has said it isn't the depression that made him break up with me, but that he'd like some help. I don't want to be a crutch, and feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to ignore him, but as you can imagine, being friends is still a difficult concept for me. After looking up depression, I think it could have been depression that caused the breakup[...