Hardest decision of my life...

LegacyUser

Going out with my girlfriend of 2 and a half years....

Both of my parents passed away in this time and my girlfriend was very close to me and helped me through all of this - words cannot explain how much.

I am 27, She is 26

My friends are all going travelling in a few months time for the year and I really want to go with them. It breaks my heart at the same time that I will need to split from her(she cant go - out of question) MAINLY because I know it will break her in two...

She has often told me how afraid she is of losing me to make things worse.

I genuinely love her to bits and appreciate her. BUT I obvioulsy know it best to split up before I leave - Is she the woman I will marry ?? honestly I have to say I do not think so but cannot be sure

Am I about to make the worst decision of my life and also how do I possibly go about breaking this to her- Trust me it will shick her!

Thank you so much guys

Phil

kizzyr

MansVoice wrote: »

Going out with my girlfriend of 2 and a half years....

Both of my parents passed away in this time and my girlfriend was very close to me and helped me through all of this - words cannot explain how much.

I am 27, She is 26

My friends are all going travelling in a few months time for the year and I really want to go with them. It breaks my heart at the same time that I will need to split from her(she cant go - out of question) MAINLY because I know it will break her in two...

She has often told me how afraid she is of losing me to make things worse.

I genuinely love her to bits and appreciate her. BUT I obvioulsy know it best to split up before I leave - Is she the woman I will marry ?? honestly I have to say I do not think so but cannot be sure

Am I about to make the worst decision of my life and also how do I possibly go about breaking this to her- Trust me it will shick her!

Thank you so much guys

Phil

I don't know if you're about to make the worst decision of your life, sounds like you don't either. I do think you could very well regret not going and that could be the end of your relationship anyway.
I would suggest you think it through yourself and come to your decision as to whether you're going to go or not. Then I'd sit down with her, explain why you need to and want to go, that its not a reflection on her or your relationship but it is something you have to do.
There is no way she isn't going to be upset, you are going to be breaking up with her after all but you can be honest and kind to her in the way you deal with it.

Faith

Why do you have to break up with her? I know of couples that have survived a year apart. It's tough but not impossible. If you actually want to stay with her, you can. Or do you actually want to break up with her, and this is a convenient (if painful) excuse...?

Teddi

I agree with faith...

If she is as head over heals in love with you, Im sure that she would have no problem in chatting with you online every 2 weeks or so...and with mobile phones these days, a simple txt every few days will keep her feeling connected to you even in its simplest form.

If you really want to stay with her, you still can. My cousin was going out with this girl for only a year, when he went away for 10 months...they reallllllly loved each other...every week.....week and a half he would send her a postcard keeping her updated as to what they he was doing. And in doing this ...it kept her excited and looking forward to something every week. You can be as inventive as you like in keeping the spark alive even though your apart.

Dont think the worst mate...Love+Creativity=Continuity (if you get me )

hope it works out..

Teddi

Susannahmia

Why do you have to split from her? Can you not have a long distence relationship for a year?

corcaigh07

must agree with last two posts, dont split with her if its just convenient, ive seen it happen before. the couple split. when its again convenient, they hook up again but its not the same as before somehow.

the mere fact that your considering that this is the girl you might be marrying is enough to tell me you should hold on. just because its the socially popular thing to split doesnt make it right.

Chinafoot

MansVoice wrote: »

Is she the woman I will marry ?? honestly I have to say I do not think so but cannot be sure

If she was, you'd probably know.

If your gut is telling you that this relationship isn't going anywhere then yes you should leave her and go travelling. (Before anyone says it I'm not suggesting that relationships should only happen if you intend marriage.) However, you shouldn't try to use travelling as the excuse.

You obviously want to break up with her and you need to be honest with both her and yourself.

barbiegirl

he did say he didn't think she was the girl he wanted to marry. Therefore the break for travelling will give clarity. You've been to hell and back together so there is no easy way of doing this, but believe me she doesn't want to be with you because you're afraid to split up.
Break up, go travelling and when you come home who knows how you will both feel. Maybe she'll have moved on and you'll want back in, if so tough titty, maybe the other way around or maybe like my brother and his now wife, you'll get back together and be happy ever after.
You do actually know what you want, you just have to do it as gently as possible.

Clink

Hey OP, I'd seriously advise against doing long- distance, it's heartwrenching. Having been in a similar situation I'd say break up with her, go sow your wild oats guilt free as that's what travelling is all about. In the space of the year you'll well have had enough time to work out if you want to be with her or not. It's also kinder than stringing her along and then breaking up with her after a year anyway.

Like I say, I've been in the same situation and it's not nice, best of luck with what you decide to do.

chris85

A year is nothing in the big picture. Have known a good few people to go abroad travelling and stay together despite the distance.

Love conquers all

LurkingLady

First of all, OP, be honest with yourself and answer the question: Do you love her? Not: do you want to marry her, just: do you love her....

If you don't - then break up with her. Please, please don't use travelling as an excuse - this will only confuse her, give her false hope and prevent her from moving on. In the long run, this will hurt her more than your saying you don't want to be with her anymore.

If you do love her then trust me a year is nothing, with the internet and the mobile technology you can do it.

One way or another, good luck OP!

Dudess

My friend's boyfriend had to do a year in France as part of his degree. She headed to Australia and Asia for the first three and a half months so they didn't see each other at all during that time, then she came home and saw him every couple of months when he came home or she went over to him for a few days. It was hard, no question about that, but it had to be done, and they got through it.
Your year abroad has to be done too, because it's something you want to do so badly - and she should understand that. You shouldn't let opportunities like that flit past you. Life's too short - as you had to learn so cruelly when you lost your folks at such an early age. My deepest sympathies.

If you don't go you'll regret it, and you might even feel resentment towards her later on in life when it won't be so easy to just head off.

By the way, why is it out of the question for her to go? Even if she went for some of it, or took a few holidays with you guys whenever she could. There are ways and means. It's a bit of a predicament but not the worst in the world. Best wishes anyway...

[WoW]

Im kind of in the same situation here, my bf wants to move to america for a year at the end of the summer. By that time we will be going out for 2 years aswel, best thing to do is tell her right away that your thinking about doing this so you two can talk about it.
i think the long distance thing would be too much, especially when its a full year. It will be hard for her but shes better off knowing sooner so she can get her head round it!
Good Luck!

Supercell

Jesus dude, my biggest regret in life is the girl I broke up with because I was going a way for a while..she was "the one"..and I blew it.
I got back home and she was hooked up with someone else and that was it - she told me on the Dart - "You had your chance"

You can travel any damn time you like, having a relationship with someone special is not something that can be bought in a travel shop.

Think long and hard about this, if she's special..no holiday is worth dumping her.

lordgoat

Supercell wrote: »

Jesus dude, my biggest regret in life is the girl I broke up with because I was going a way for a while..she was "the one"..and I blew it.
I got back home and she was hooked up with someone else and that was it - she told me on the Dart - "You had your chance"

You can travel any damn time you like, having a relationship with someone special is not something that can be bought in a travel shop.

Think long and hard about this, if she's special..no holiday is worth dumping her.

Thats harsh dude, strange how things connect and resonate.

I hate to second this OP but i have to.

Distance has no way of making love understandable.

Teddi

Ok...Op..

What i think you should do is this...and I think its fair on both parties...

sit her down...and tell her what you want to do...but DONT come from the angle that you have already made up your mind and that you want to end things.....

Tell her that you want to make this work over long distance and judge her reaction. You may know her really well...but she may surprize you, especially in a situation like this. Atleast give her the oppertunity to make it a mutual decision where you either break up or stay together and work at it.

she may totally respect your decision and want to work at it from afar, or she may say that she couldnt live without you. Then, you could broach the idea of parting ways...and if it feels right..to try and re-kindle it when you return....

but go to her first before you make your final decision as its only fair...

again...good luck

MissHoneyBun

I feel for you OP but I'm inclined to think that if you truly loved her, you wouldnt even be asking these questions. Corny, but true love will always find a way

BraziliaNZ

If she really loves you she wont have a problem waiting. You may have to put up with a lot of whining though. Also after a while both of you might lose interest, or meet someone else. You meet a lot of girls when you're travelling.

BraziliaNZ

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

I feel for you OP but I'm inclined to think that if you truly loved her, you wouldnt even be asking these questions. Corny, but true love will always find a way

True love? What is that anyway? Being too weak to leave someone because you can't break the emotional attachment? Should Captain Cook and Napoleon have stayed with their wives instead of travelling?

Tar.Aldarion

If you 'love' her you would not break up with her because you want to travel with your friends...

MissHoneyBun

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

True love? What is that anyway? Being too weak to leave someone because you can't break the emotional attachment? Should Captain Cook and Napoleon have stayed with their wives instead of travelling?

What?! Since when are we discussing historical figures? Neither am I here to define what constitutes "true love" suffice to say it's different for everyone.
What I am saying is, if you are in love with someone and they are in love with you then you will find a way to make it work. Simple as

Dudess

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

I feel for you OP but I'm inclined to think that if you truly loved her, you wouldnt even be asking these questions. Corny, but true love will always find a way

I disagree. Love shouldn't stop you from pursuing other dreams - in fact it should do the opposite.

Steve.Pseudonym

Supercell wrote: »

Jesus dude, my biggest regret in life is the girl I broke up with because I was going a way for a while..she was "the one"..and I blew it.
I got back home and she was hooked up with someone else and that was it - she told me on the Dart - "You had your chance"

You can travel any damn time you like, having a relationship with someone special is not something that can be bought in a travel shop.

Think long and hard about this, if she's special..no holiday is worth dumping her.

Now that's a good post right there, however I don't think it applies to the OP - because I don't think he wants to continue the relationship. OP, you say that you don't think you'll marry her, so obviously in some way you're unhappy with the relationship. If that's the case then tell her that, don't be a coward and hide behind having a holiday to go on. After what she's been through with you she deserves honesty, and if you don't give her at least that much then, well, you're just a jerk.

That said, perhaps your relationship has just gotten stale and you don't really know how to get it back on track, a lot of good relationships get destroyed through lack of maintenance. If you think it's worth saving then it most likely can be, if you want to. That may however mean putting off your holiday, because it sure isn't an easy thing to do at the best of times, and if you're already strained then you wouldn't get through it even if you did try a long distance relationship.

Just comes down to which is more important, the girl who supported you through the death of your parents or your holiday. Frankly, I know which one I'd choose, but perhaps you have your reasons for feeling otherwise. I wonder if they're good ones.

The Sweeper

OP, I get an undertone from your post. Are you breaking up with your girlfriend because you're assuming that, while you're apart, you'll be with other people and you don't want to cheat on her per se as you have your unavoidable random sex with people you meet while travelling?

Don't get me wrong - I fully embrace having protected and responsible sex with partners while you do your world travels. Therein lies the foundation of many happy memories.

But it's a pretty naff reason to dump the girl who's stood by you for so long and who you maintain you love.

Rockstar*

I have been through a lot in the past couple of years (like many people) and to be perfectly honest I think I could have made this decision without consulting like this had my head been in the right place this past while.

I do love my girlfriend more than ever, But honestly I don't think I am IN love with her like I was when we first got together...I am finding this terribly hard as I have tried my very best with the relationship but my feelings seem to have been dwindling - in saying that I really have been on an emotional rollercoaster lately and can't know for sure what Im thinking is right just yet.

It is probably selfish for me to say this but I most am worried about her reaction - I KNOW she will breakdown over it and she reg tells me she's afraid of losing me which isnt blackmail but seriously adds to the pressure Im feeling...Im also very worried what her family and friends will think of me after all they have done.

Yes I feel I owe them all, I would feel cheated if I was them but I genuinely cant help how i feel anymore...

Ps If I go away I know its the right thing to split. I am not a womaniser of any sort I just like to think of myself as a realist - A year is too long, I couldnt do it and she can barely go a couple of days away from me never mind a weeks holiday never mind a year away - besides I think I would prefer a new start with no ties...sorry its just the way i feel -think i would be unhappy otherwise!

But how would I go about it? Teddi you were getting there!

Thanks for reading

MissHoneyBun

Dudess wrote: »

I disagree. Love shouldn't stop you from pursuing other dreams - in fact it should do the opposite.

Where exactly did I say that love should prevent you from pursuing your dreams?

sunnyjim

My girldfriends best mate is a few years older than her. Anyway, this girl was going out with a lad for 5 years - and then he turned around and decided he was doing a world travel with his mates.

It wasn't a great situation as he wasn't even gonna wait for her to get money together, he was going and thats that. They kept in contact every 2 or 3 days via Skype.

He even came back early as a suprise. After 7 months or so. And they're good now. Maybe you can do it too.

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Don't get me wrong - I fully embrace having protected and responsible sex with partners while you do your world travels. Therein lies the foundation of many happy memories.

Even when you have a partner at home?

[WoW]

OP, did you decide what to do since?

spinandscribble

breaking up isnt even a question if you really want to be with her. you know deep down that you really wanna break up so you can have no strings fun while aboard. If you do love her you could find yourself a month after breaking up with her, abroad and miserable. is travelling a bit of an excuse (no offence) to be able to break up with without having to deal with her reaction?
im about to spend 20 months away from my bf of two years and the question of breaking up isnt even on the cards (yes we've discussed it but only that it'd be mad). we both know it'll be hell but we're willing to make it work. we live together as well for the last year and if we go a couple of days without seeing eachother we go mad but tbh if its going to work it'll still work long distance. it'll test our limits no doubt but if its meant to be, it'll be. However if you're already thinking you'd prefer not to be with her maybe you should go on a break. see how things go.

spinandscribble

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Don't get me wrong - I fully embrace having protected and responsible sex with partners while you do your world travels. Therein lies the foundation of many happy memories.

But it's a pretty naff reason to dump the girl who's stood by you for so long and who you maintain you love.

+1
i would be curious as to if the op only realised he wasnt 'in love' after he started planning this trip.

The Sweeper

sunnyjim wrote: »

Even when you have a partner at home?

No. Not when you have a partner at home. And dumping your partner so you can have sex while you travel is naff.

Malice

Rockstar* wrote: »

I do love my girlfriend more than ever, But honestly I don't think I am IN love with her like I was when we first got together...

Here's something else to consider: Relationships take work. Both you and your girlfriend need to work at it and not just take it for granted.

all the stars

Clink wrote: »

I'd say break up with her, go sow your wild oats guilt free as that's what travelling is all about.

Who says???
Thats the kind of attitude i hate! Why is travelling bout sowing wild oats?? Thats a stupid immature attitude -
Travelling is about seeing the world not gettin STD's from every possible source - or leaving babies all over the place -

Kold

Do not listen to people's opinions about 'true love'. They haven't the slightest notion of what they're talking about. Doubt is natural.

halfinch

OP

I was going with a fella for 3 anda half years. Similar circumstance my brother dies in the time I was with him and he was very good to me. The oppourtunity came up for me to go travelling for six months. I did go travelling but remained going out with him and stupidly I did stay faithful. When I returned things just werent the same and we broke up about a year later. I thought that by travelling I changed things but we would probarbly have broke up anyway...Im not going out with someone else for over a year and Im much happier

Dont let a relationship stop you from travelling......whats meant to be will anyway and there isnt much you can do to stop it

Dark Artist

I was going out with a girl for a few months and then went to the Canada for the summer. We decided to wait for each other. When I got back, we lasted a few months, but ultimately it was that trip that completely f.cked things up.

LegacyUser

I'm replying to this post because i think i know who the original poster is,
maybe not, but it does seem to be an attempt at disguisng the situation between me and my ex!

I'll give you my side of the story, even if its not who i think it is it will provide some balance to this story, and perhaps bad spelling, and maybe give you a conclusion to this story.

I was with him 4 years, he had discussed going travelling for a year, I said I'd join him,
I took a year off college and worked and saved money to go.

it took about 4 months, he still hadn't found a job and was not ready to go,
the oppertunity of a life time came along i was able to buy a house,
was in bad condition but because of this bank were going to give me mortgage based on the resale value if it were fixed up.

anyway there were more than enough problems and it fell through at the same time the estate agent had found me an even better deal, I apologised repeatedy to him and said
that as soon as the house was done up i would rent it and we could go, I'd take an extra year off college. that was all fine, like this post we had discussed marrage as a far off thing
we both couldnt see in the immediate future, but i was at least under the impression we were madly in love.

Our travel plans were to travel lots to australia then work there for 6-8 months travel back,
I had mentioned maybe i would work in new zealand, he begged me not to said he'd be worried, said he wouldnt even go if he thought i might do that, i had a good think about it and decided that I wouldnt do that too him and i understood his concern.

recently he asked me would it be ok if he went on his own, i was understandably not cool with this for a start i compared it to me wanting to go to new zealand and how he felt,
but he said they were completely different things and refused to acknowledge that i might feel the same way as he did because its different i wouldnt have to worry about him because he's male.

he said his head is messed up at the moment and he feels he needs to get away and sort it out and for me to join him in a few months. so i had a good think about it and explained that it wasn't about him going on his own it was that i am about to go through one of the biggest things anyone every does in life, and that it will be stressfull as there are two extentions which need to be knocked down and rebuilt and the house needs to be gutted, rewired ect,

so like always being a fair person i looked at it from his side and asked him if he could hang around til the end of august, and then go himself if i wasnt ready or if he felt he needed to go on his own,i wanted him to be there for the most stressful parts, he'd even have been getting free accomodation out of it! he was planning on not leaving for a couple of months anyway, how much difference would 8 weeks make?

anyway he stuck to his original i have to go now and i said that if he didnt love me enough to hang around for 8 weeks, to be there for me while rebuilding a house, then
i did not want to go out with him, and we broke up... well i broke up with him,
i dont think its registered with him yet at all from what he's had to say to me since.

and like this post he seems to also underestimate my self esteem, confidance and self respect in that he thinks/thought i could not live without him. I made the effort to compromise and keep things together but he made no effort whatsoever to try and compromise or see things from my point of view but has told me by email/text several times that he doesnt want to break up.

so hopefully this poster is my ex and he can get a more balanced public opinion based on the full story! I have only today seen this but i know he posts alot here and i had a feeling he'd have posted about this.
Also he hasn't realised yet that its over, he talks to me as if theres nothing wrong and asks me if i want to do something.... eh no we broke up!!! hopefully he'll see this and the penny will drop, he's single and free to do whatever he wants, and i want my computer back!!!!
been asking for ages its the only thing of mine he has, he got all his crap back ages ago.

dory

Wow. Now that sort of changes things......

Off you go on your trip so OP!

[nicK]

lol..

AARRRGH

"the ex": I found your post really difficult to read, sorry...

OP: The fact that you want to leave your partner to go travelling does mean she is not the one for you, so long term I think the right thing to do is to break up with her and go travelling.