Coping with sisters suicide attempt

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Going unreg for this one....

About 3 weeks ago my Dad went into my sisters bedroom to wake her up for school - to find her conked out with an empty box of sleeping tablets by her side and her wrists cut. Luckily the sleeping pills were mild so she came through. It was a HUGE shock to all of us - no history of depression, didn't even know she was feeling down etc.

Anyway, I'm looking for advice on how to deal with it myself. It's only kind of hit me today the severity of it all. My Dad said the incident was a cry for help - I don't think that 13 sleeping pills and self harm is a cry for help - its a proper attempt.

I haven't said a word to her about it. I'm 22 and she's 19 so we're fairly similar in age. I'm sooo angry with her. Part of me is afraid of what I'd say to her - but I can't say anything because she's prob on tender hooks.

She's had an extremely good upbringing, loving famliy etc. To think that she was willing to put us all through hell makes my blood boil. We have a 9 year old brother - he loves her to bits. To think that she was willing to do it to him.....!! My parents lost a baby (lived for 19 days) about 10 years ago (hence my 9 year old lil bro!). She saw what we all went through - and she went through it herself. She was willing to let my parents bury another kid. I know it's a very morbid thought, but...she didn't even leave a note. The selfishness of the whole thing just amazes me.

I'm sorry for ranting and raving. Basically...has anyone had any similar experience or any advice on how to deal with the situation?

Thanks guys

Wagon

I don't have any real experience with dealing with a suicide attempt but I've been on the other end of it so maybe that might help a little.

Suicide is attempted from extreme depression. Regardless of how good a background you came from or how supportive your family have been and how many friends you have, you can still be the unhappiest person in the world. I know people who came from terrible upbringings and have extremely strong characters.
Your sister is lucky to have these things but she is unable to appreciate it, telling you that there's much bigger things on her mind. Have you spoken to her about these things? She might tell you and it's important you don't scorn at her regardless of how small the reasons may be to you. Tell this to your family as well. If she isn't ready to talk, just let her know you're there for her. She's come to you when she's ready.
Stop being angry. NOTHING beneficial can come of being angry at someone in these situations. Regardless of how much this has pissed you off, be the bigger person and suck it up. I've had to do that myself so I know it can be tricky but I believe in you
This might just be a passing phase, although a very serious one. If she has no history of depression or self harm and is a happy person normally then I'd say (like all suicides) that this may have been a permanent solution for a temporary problem. The most important thing you can do is make her feel like she can come and talk to you and not isolate her. Good luck I really hopes this helps.

drunkmonkey

just be a good brother it's the best you can do....

take her out shopping, horse riding, go to the beach......just the 2 of you....talk to her..call her names...pull her hair........just connect with her....

she's really upset about something....she might never tell you what it is but the fact she knows you love her to pieces and don't want anything ever bad to happen to her might help a great deal.......

go give her a big hug even if she dosen't want you to....your her big bro...let her know your there to protect her........

when she feeling better kick her ass for putting you through this.....

everything will work out fine....

Overheal

I think drunkmonkey has some good thoughts there. Welcome to boards.

Whatever is bothering her its invading her enough to attempt suicide. Displacement has always helped me when I've been depressed. Being away from things can give you a great sense of peace. Not to mention a very fresh perspective for looking at things. If you can help her get away for a while - a day, a week - then do.

If anything you should encourage her not to talk about it if she doesn't want to; in so doing she will have the freedom to choose her time and place.

Like Wagon says the best upbringings can still breed troubled souls. It's part of the human condition to seek out strife; we just expect our lives to be full of crap. If everything seems 'perfect' - as people, I feel we are compelled to find something wrong with that. I have read a few first hand accounts of suicidal posters here in the past that would support that theory. Disregard the notion.

Besides - I don't wish to truly speculate - but for all you know this could be something the family has no knowledge of: maybe she was being bullied, or it has to do with a guy, school/college performance, it could literally be anything. Despite the upbringing there are still thousands of potential trouble spots that might be invisible to an outsider.

Just be her big brother/sister. Don't be her interrogator. She's already vulnerable enough right now.

Elessar

Are you getting any professional help for this (for her)? Is she in councilling? How it that going? How are your parents?

Try to see things from her perspective. Put yourself in her shoes when you start getting angry. Suicide is a very complicated issue. Keep in mind that it is unlikely she set out to cause your family harm, and indeed she probably had no idea it would effect them. What is happening now?

The Sweeper

Advice Please wrote: »

About 3 weeks ago my Dad went into my sisters bedroom to wake her up for school - to find her conked out with an empty box of sleeping tablets by her side and her wrists cut. Luckily the sleeping pills were mild so she came through. It was a HUGE shock to all of us - no history of depression, didn't even know she was feeling down etc.

Anyway, I'm looking for advice on how to deal with it myself. It's only kind of hit me today the severity of it all. My Dad said the incident was a cry for help - I don't think that 13 sleeping pills and self harm is a cry for help - its a proper attempt.

OP, it probably was a cry for help as it were. By that, I mean a situation where your sister felt that deep down, she didn't really want to die, but she really didn't know what else to do. If she wasn't hoping to be found, she wouldn't have taken mild sleeping pills and if she'd really cut her wrists - well, suffice to say if your sister really wanted to be dead, she'd be dead.

Advice Please wrote: »

I haven't said a word to her about it. I'm 22 and she's 19 so we're fairly similar in age. I'm sooo angry with her. Part of me is afraid of what I'd say to her - but I can't say anything because she's prob on tender hooks.

Do you speak to your sister usually? Are you guys close? It's perfectly okay to be angry with her. As for the tender hooks thing - people who are suffering from depression and are suicidal have a very, very skewed way of looking at the world. To attempt suicide, they genuinely believe they're worthless, useless, that nobody likes them, and that even if people do like them it's a sort of 'charity' like.

She probably believes you guys don't really like her or that you're better off without her and subsequently won't miss her if she's dead, and that if she's dead then it's best for everyone.

Advice Please wrote: »

She's had an extremely good upbringing, loving famliy etc. To think that she was willing to put us all through hell makes my blood boil. We have a 9 year old brother - he loves her to bits. To think that she was willing to do it to him.....!! My parents lost a baby (lived for 19 days) about 10 years ago (hence my 9 year old lil bro!). She saw what we all went through - and she went through it herself. She was willing to let my parents bury another kid. I know it's a very morbid thought, but...she didn't even leave a note. The selfishness of the whole thing just amazes me.

Again, your sister currently isn't in a healthy state of mind, and I believe that she would be completely unable to see any selfishness in a decision to commit suicide. She probably thinks she's doing you a favour. If you were to go off on one at her, it wouldn't 'make her worse' or anything, it would simply compound how she feels and she'd think she was right all along, that you think she's useless etc. etc. so on.

The implausability of that argument in itself - "What? Thinks we hate her? Of course we don't hate her!!" - is the reason your sister now needs professional help. I can guarantee you, you are not equipped as a family to pull your sister through this on your own. This is more than something that 'lots of love and support' will cure. Lots of love and support is a vital side order to a main course of counselling and procedures to discover just why it is your sister is so goddamned miserable she'd try to kill herself.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Thanks a mill for all of the extremely helpful posts!

I've now seen the situation from different angles which has helped - cheers

With regards to what's happening now - she goes to a counsellor\psychologist once a week. She says he's really good. My folks actually have a secret meeting (my sis doesn't know) with him every 2 weeks. It doesn't break any confidentiality - he basically gives them advice on how to deal with things.

As for talking to her about it or taking her out for days etc. We're not particularly close. It's not that we don't get along or hate each other ...or anything like that. We just don't click. Which seemingly, is part of her problem. She's the middle child and she feels very different. Without blowing my own trumpet or anything....I'm finishing my degree next month, starting a consultancy job in September, have loads of nice friends etc etc. However, she's doing her leaving (which she isn't going to pass), has no interests, her friends would be very different to mine etc. She said she feels like she's living in my shadow....how am I supposed to deal with that! She got the very same upbringing as I did

AckwelFoley

Hello OP.

This is a very difficult situation for the family not to mention your sister.

My own family had to deal with a very similar situation last november, in this case i was the one wanting to take my life.
I suffer from manic Depression, and to cut a long story short i had become tired with the pain and unable to cope with it anymore.

Most ppl that attempt this are likely to have some form of depression, however it is often very difficult to diagnose depression in younger people due to the hormonal changes and peer pressures. At 19 however, the former is unlikely.

If it is depression, the paramount thing that you and your family can do is make sure that you are all singing off the same hymn sheet with reguarding how you are going to support her.

The difficulty with the situation is that if it is depression she is dealing with, you can often find that when they get to the stage of suicide that one becomes just disinterested in recoverey and just not in a position to engage in a conversation.

I suggest that you make sure that she is always in somones company, but not in a manner that would lend her to believe that you were guarding her from hurting herself, but more to the point that you can try to keep her mind occupied while she is been treated by the professionals.

One of you, and i suggest that be the person she feels more comfortable with needs to talk to her, and try to get her to open up and confide with you. It could be a very direct problem such as a boyfriend or more seriously that she could be bullied or is been actively excluded by her peers for some reason that can often depending on the person have serious effects on their mental state. Its ofter very difficult and embarresing for someone to confide with another about this.

In effect it may not be depression, but i suspect it is.

If it is the latter, she needs help and she needs support from her family and needs anyone around her or in her life that may be in anyway cynical or critizising of her kept well away from her!

I fear however by your attitude in your post desbribing her act as selfish, lends me to come to the conclusion that you really dont understand how much mental and emotional pain she has been going through. Let me describe it to you.. if you found out..god forbid.. that both your parnets and little brother were just killed in a car accident.. can you imagine the pain you would have inside? Well.. carry that pain around you for weeks on end .. and tell me if taking your life is selfish. I lost 3 stone in 2 months last year during my recovery.

I know how absolutely terrible this is for you to deal with but she needs your support, i wish you the best of luck

- Brian

LegacyUser

Thanks a mill Brian....all advice has been taken on board

Wagon

Advice Please wrote: »

As for talking to her about it or taking her out for days etc. We're not particularly close. It's not that we don't get along or hate each other ...or anything like that. We just don't click. Which seemingly, is part of her problem. She's the middle child and she feels very different. Without blowing my own trumpet or anything....I'm finishing my degree next month, starting a consultancy job in September, have loads of nice friends etc etc. However, she's doing her leaving (which she isn't going to pass), has no interests, her friends would be very different to mine etc. She said she feels like she's living in my shadow....how am I supposed to deal with that! She got the very same upbringing as I did

Again, regardless of the upbringing people turn out differently. You just said yourself that she was completely different. Why not get to know her a little better? It doesn't matter how different you are. I'm a big brother myself, and she's not really going to confide in you until she's ready. That's just the role we play. On the other hand, you can also be her best friend in the world! Just do little things, like if your heading down to the shops see if she wants anything or make her tea is she happens to be standing in the kitchen etc... I think she'd feel a lot better coming home in the evenings knowing that she's got one of her mates in the house. You don't need to be alike to get along and as she gets older, she'll realise this as well.