Sex - to tell or not to tell, that is the question

LegacyUser

Right, so I'm 24 and a virgin - things just happened that way. I went out for 3 years with my first boyfriend and got engaged with him at 20. We both agreed to wait until after the marriage - it was his idea but I was cool with it. Well, I was cool with it, that is, until I found out that all that time - even after we got engaged - he was two timing me with another girl with whom, let me tell you, he had no objections to get down and dirty. When I found out and confronted him about it he said I was a girl to marry not to screw with.
Cue in my breaking the engagement...
As you may imagine all this did wonders for my self confidence - I basically shut myself in my room, didn't go out and just wallowed in self-pity for over a year. Took me a while but I got over it & started to have normal social life, went out with a couple of guys but never got into anything that might be considered a relationship ....

BUT, about 6 months ago I met this guy at work and after the initial period of sussing each other out we began dating. We've been together for over three months now and I think I'm beginning to seriously fall for him. He's been patient with me as far as sex is concerned (I told him my fiancee cheated on me and all) but now I am ready and would love to be with him in this way as well

And here's my problem - should I tell him I'm a virgin? Won't he consider it weird that a 24 year old girl has never done it? Won't he be too stressed? Won't he start wondering what's wrong with me? I may also turn out to be crap in bed, and what then?

Any advice? Guys, would you feel strange if you found out that you're 24-year old gf has never done it before? Would you prefer to know?

thanks

Victor

I don't think its a problem.

Mr. Presentable

If anything it would be regarded as a bonus! By which I mean, how special am I that this wonderful girl has waited until now and will gift her first time to me.

Nerin

you'll be grand, if you want to tell him, go for it.
and good luck

Miss Fluff

He will have no problem with it at all, trust me.

Glad you have met someone decent btw, your ex sounds like a plonker

jellie

Tell him. Its an understandable situation & if he doesnt understand then is he really worth it?

Your first time might not be very pleasant & at least if he knows he'll be gentle & wont go rushing things.

He'll probably just be like "cool noone else has ever gotten his hands on her, shes all mine!"

Marksie

without a doubt tell him.
For so many reasons as many posters have said.
He will understand

Mr. Presentable

Yeah, Marksie's right!

akamossy

the whole point here is he shouldn't have a problem with it, and if he does then he really is not worth it at all!! But yes i do think you should tell him definately.

Toots

Definitely tell him, that way he'll know to take things slow and you'll both know what's what. And if you're nervous he'll understand and be able to put you at ease, rather than if he doesn't know he'll see you're nervous and not know why, which might make him more nervous too!

smiler26

+1 to everyone... if anything he's going to be extremely chuffed that you chose him..... Best of luck girl, it's always good to see that good girls don't come last (that's not a cheesy pun by the way :rolleyes:)

Smiler x

AckwelFoley

Asolutely no problem at all!

Put it this way - hed rather you were a virgin than a woman at 24 that slept with 20 guys!

If he likes you, the fact that you're a virgin is a non issue - the only issue that will come about is.. whether you want to remain a virgin? If you do , you might have a problem.

yawnstretch

Tell him, he'll be chuffed (I would be).

mikemac

nipplenuts wrote: »

If anything it would be regarded as a bonus!

+1

But do tell him

colly10

Definitely tell him, it's definitely a positive, id say he'd be delighted to hear it. He won't find it weird just different in a good way. And as someone above said if you don't tell him and you look nervous you'll probably make him feel uncomfortable

Overheal

Indeed, No harm at all in admitting virginity. Potential harm in not..

wylo

tell him for defo, it is only good news if you ask me, he never has to think about who youve been with, never has to worry about comparing himself , takes alot of pressure off him which will probably make the sex alot better.

wylo

I might add if he has waited quite a while already he seems mature enough to react in a positive way

FX Meister

tell him but dont make a big deal of it

truecrippler

I'm a bloke, I'd understand. If my Girlfriend told me that she was a virgin and if I cared about her, I'd understand what she's saying, I'd wait until she is ready and I'd be gentle with her at first.

You should be ok. Just tell him when you think you're ready.

AARRRGH

I have a feeling this thread will go on forever with people saying "Tell him, he'll like it".

OP, you have your answer, tell him!

Sherifu

dublindude wrote: »

I have a feeling this thread will go on forever with people saying "Tell him, he'll like it".

OP, you have your answer, tell him!

Don't tell him OP.*




*Only Joking.

LurkingLady

Overheal wrote: »

Indeed, No harm at all in admitting virginity. Potential harm in not..

Overheal, do you mind elaborating? What harm? It's OP's sex life, body and therefore her choice...

OP, stop thinking about what your bf would think, start thinking about yourself... Do you think that admitting to virginity would make you vulnerable? If so, don't tell him unless he asks -or it becomes evident (possible bleeding). He'll know then that it wasn't a big deal to you and, therefore, he won't think it's a big deal either.

Personally, however, I think you have nothing to worry about - most guys would be chuffed. As for the "first time anxiety" syndrome - no worries, it comes naturally - few people (if any!) are crap in bed when making love to a person they love

Just my 2 cents

cjmcork

firstly well done on finding a good one - I'd certainly tell him - it's not like you chose to remain a virgin for religious reasons (and that's fine too), but you were commited to someone and you both wanted to wait - enjoy yourself!

CerebralCortex

24yearOld wrote: »

Guys, would you feel strange if you found out that you're 24-year old gf has never done it before?

Not one bit, if he has feelings for you its not an issue. I don't think it should be something to be seen as negative. If he likes you he likes you end of.
My two cents.
Best of luck

mikemac

LurkingLady wrote: »

Overheal, do you mind elaborating? What harm? It's OP's sex life, body and therefore her choice...

I can't speak for Overheal but I'd imagine if the OP's boyfriend lashes in at 90 (now there's a culchie term! :pac:) then this may cause pain for the OP.

Plus if she is nervous and understandably so, then it's best to tell her boyfriend why. You don't want the OP to rejected after all

SarahSassy

It's up to you... Im sure the conversation about contraception will come up and obviously you will want to ensure your own safety.... He sounds like a good guy so he will be happy with you no matter what..

The Sweeper

OP, may I ask how much experience you have sexually, if you don't mind responding to such a personal question? In other words, while you have never had penetrative vaginal sex, have you ever given or received oral sex or indulged in heavy petting?

You say you're worried you might be "crap in bed" - as hormone-riddled teenagers, many of us go through stages of sexual exploration before penetrative sex - kissing, petting, oral sex. It may well be a good idea to go through those stages with your partner before going straight to penetrative sex. You may end up being far more comfortable with your first time if, for instance, the two of you have been naked together before.

The more comfortable you are, the better you'll feel.

mattyboy20

It's not weird, it's kind of cute! Don't worry about it-tell him and he'll most likely be cool about it-he won't think you're weird or anything at all. Hell, he will probably be more nervous than you since he's going to have to try and make it special since it's your first time. Good luck.

P.S. your fiance should be shot for what he did to u

BraziliaNZ

snyper wrote: »

Put it this way - hed rather you were a virgin than a woman at 24 that slept with 20 guys!

Would he now?? I'd rather the other way around actually!! Have any of you actually slept with an inexperienced girl? It's a nightmare! Girls - would you rather sleep with a man who didn't know what he was doing or someone who knew his way around? It's not the bloody middle ages...

Quigs Snr

No, its defo a bonus as far as us fella's are concerned. You have nothing to worry about, sure it will take you quite some time to be "trained in" but that will be fun for both of you. He will be very, very pleased. Good luck OP, sounds like you dodged a bullet with the previous moron anyway.

Aseth

I think man in general prefer to have a girl that is not sleeping around. And it's not something you should be ashamed of.
You should definetely tell him you're a virgin. If he's the right guy then knowing this he will take extra care of you, make you feel more comfortable and be more patient then if he didn't know.
best of luck OP

AngryBadger

nipplenuts wrote: »

If anything it would be regarded as a bonus! By which I mean, how special am I that this wonderful girl has waited until now and will gift her first time to me.

+1

Marksie

nipplenuts wrote: »

gift .

I missed this word. Thats how i would view it. If my partner told me that she was a virgin i would pretty much do everything i know to relax her, get her into an ectstaic, open state and then make her first time an exceptional experience.
Something she could say..well that was WOW!

Majd to has made some very good points . But looking at what the OP has posted about the boyfriend, i really dont think that she has anything to worry about. He does seem like the kind of guy who would take everything on board.

GrumPy

I'd run a mile tbh.

Dudess

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Would he now?? I'd rather the other way around actually!! Have any of you actually slept with an inexperienced girl? It's a nightmare! Girls - would you rather sleep with a man who didn't know what he was doing or someone who knew his way around? It's not the bloody middle ages...

I presume you're referring to casual sexual encounters though, and yes, since sex is all you're looking for in that situation, it would be kinda pointless sleeping with someone who's inexperienced. But this thread isn't about that, it's about sex within a relationship.

Irish GrumPy wrote: »

I'd run a mile tbh.

How do you know though? If you met a girl whom you found really attractive in a number of ways and you could see yourself in a relationship with her, would you throw that all away just because she admitted to being a virgin?

Every person's different in terms of what they enjoy sexually anyway. I'm often nervous when I sleep with a new partner.

syklops

When my fiancee and I got together she was a virgin - and she had not told me.

The first time we did it, I feel I pushed a bit too much, or more than I would have pushed her if I had known she was a virgin. When we got down to have sex, I could not get it in. And I go to her:

"Have you had a problem with other guys getting inside?"
And she says "No.."

And I spent three hours trying to get it in, and eventually it went in. However, next morning it was a bit of a shock to find dried blood on my penis. It was only later that she told me she was a virgin(or had been). If I had known I would not have pushed her so much(she said I didnt push but to this day i still feel like I did), and I would probably have booked a hotel for the night, and made sure there was lots of lube, and made sure there was enough foreplay, for it to be comfortable.

If I had known it could have been alot better. I would not have worried about her not having done it, because she is experienced with lots of other things just not penetration.

Definitely tell him, as he may feel a bit hurt if he does not know the full story.

Sleepy

nipplenuts wrote: »

If anything it would be regarded as a bonus! By which I mean, how special am I that this wonderful girl has waited until now and will gift her first time to me.

Getting to be a girl's first is great, especially if she's eager to learn

GrumPy

Dudess wrote: »

How do you know though? If you met a girl whom you found really attractive in a number of ways and you could see yourself in a relationship with her, would you throw that all away just because she admitted to being a virgin?

Every person's different in terms of what they enjoy sexually anyway. I'm often nervous when I sleep with a new partner.

I did met a girl, I was in a relationship with her but I didnt throw it away, god know. But it put strain on the relationship, and it eventually ended. (But nothing got to do with her being one, I'd just never like to find myself in that situation again)

Dudess

Well you're not saying much but what I'm inferring is that she either (a) didn't want to have sex at all, or (b) lost her virginity with you but then had issues with sex. Sorry if I'm wrong.

Hmmm... if either is the case though, not all virgins are gonna be any way like either of the above. It seems like you were messed up a bit after that experience, but ruling out anyone who's a virgin just in case she turned out to be like either of the above isn't being fair on yourself.

the_syco

Ah ha ha... the funny bit is that every 18 year old only wants to f**k a virgin...


Tell him. In this day and age, there seems to be something "special" about f**king a female virgin.

Overheal

Irish GrumPy wrote: »

I did met a girl, I was in a relationship with her but I didnt throw it away, god know. But it put strain on the relationship, and it eventually ended. (But nothing got to do with her being one, I'd just never like to find myself in that situation again)

Why?

The only thing I can think of is I'd feel a little pressured; after all they're going to remember it, like, forever.

LegacyUser

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

OP, may I ask how much experience you have sexually, if you don't mind responding to such a personal question? In other words, while you have never had penetrative vaginal sex, have you ever given or received oral sex or indulged in heavy petting?

I'm not *totally* inexperienced, but I have never given or received oral sex. I'm just wondering which option is better - to tell him and risk him "running a mile" to quote one of the posters or, alternatively, make him stressed and just plain freaked out
OR, not tell him and risk him feeling hurt because I haven't been honest with him

Guess I'll have to think about it some more.

Anywho, thanks a million for all your replies so far.

GrumPy

Overheal wrote: »

Why?

The only thing I can think of is I'd feel a little pressured; after all they're going to remember it, like, forever.

Sorry my point wasn't very specific, but I'd rather not discuss it on boards tbh. People who frequent the forum know me, and tbh, I am totally cool with talking about most stuff on the internet (within reason) but not about other people I know.

RedXIV

Believe me lass, he's not gonna run. I can't think of any guy that would

AckwelFoley

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Would he now?? I'd rather the other way around actually!! Have any of you actually slept with an inexperienced girl? It's a nightmare! Girls - would you rather sleep with a man who didn't know what he was doing or someone who knew his way around? It's not the bloody middle ages...

id rather sleep with someone i had some sort of feelings for.
Then to be honest it doesnt matter.

Nevyn

Well the thing is there is no way of knowing how they will react, really finding yourself in teh middle of shagging someone and they start crying is werid.

OP don't rush it, take plenty of time doing other things which get the both of you off and orgasming, get used to being that space and that way with each other before diving into intercourse. There is more to sex then penetration.

Dudess

And, if you don't do so already, get to know yourself alone. What about purchasing a small vibrator in order to get an idea of the penetration sensation?

Victor

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well the thing is there is no way of knowing how they will react, really finding yourself in teh middle of shagging someone and they start crying is werid.

Strong emotions at whatever end of the scale can result in crying, laughing or other responses, some of which may come across as unusual or inappropriate.

LurkingLady

Victor wrote: »

Strong emotions at whatever end of the scale can result in crying, laughing or other responses, some of which may come across as unusual or inappropriate.

Too true! I had a major laughing fit during my first time with my now ex Oh, the face on him Still, for all his shortcomings, he had class - he joined in the laughter . Incidentally, best sex ever

But coming back to OP's problem. OP, you know your man best, you say he's been patient with you - best sign he cares about you - so I seriously don't think he'll mind being your first. The question is will he not mind your lack of trust in him if you decide not to tell him?

And, Dudess has a point, getting to know yourself can only pay off. A vibrator may not be bad idea - you can use it together with your partner later on! So, money well spent one way or another

Best of luck, girl!

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

The only thing I can think of is I'd feel a little pressured; after all they're going to remember it, like, forever.

I ended up marrying the guy i lost my virginity to, i was 25 and i didn't tell him for this reason he was more experienced and i thought he'd freak and knowing him now and having spoken to him about it since i was right he would have!

(we broke up about 3 months after but it was nothing to do with sex just lots of other things going on, i went out with other guys and slept with one of them and we got back together 3 years later and are still together now)

Actually I didn't tell him until after we were married and by then he was kinda chuffed that he'd been my first I have to agree with Dudess get to know yourself first and have some fun with him before you have full penetrative sex cos it'll make things so much easier

If you really know the guy you will know yourself how he's going to react, and really your just looking for confirmation from us here

You need to get to know yourself first, and you never know maybe it won't end up being an issue and instead of stressing out over your first time it'll just happen and you won't have to worry about telling or not telling

That's what happened to me!

Good luck!