Torn between two guys

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Long time reader, first time poster. I need some advice.

About 14 months ago, I chose to split with my boyfriend, John, of about a year. It was a really intense year, with mostly highs, but then there were some massive lows. We went from living in each others pockets, to him showing total disinterest. I felt like he didn’t love me anymore so I left him. I was really happy when I left him, as it had been so dark for so long. I kept in contact with John after the break up (we’d tried to do the friend thing), but I was starting to have feelings for him again. About 6 months later, I decided to visit him, he’d moved away, and the passion was still there. I slept with him again and felt amazing. I came home and basically never heard from him again. Apart from the odd text and him rubbing the fact that he had a new girlfriend in my face through friends.

This sent me into a massive depression, heart snapped in two etc etc. I lost all my drive in work, and missed out on various promotions. Eventually, I thought that I was over him, so after a couple of months, I hooked up with someone and thought I liked them, turns out I was on the rebound. I really hurt this person and felt terrible for it, but all I could think of was John. I came out the other side though. I realized I really was over him and could move on. I met another guy, Michael, we got on great. It actually turned out that we had loads of mutual friends and it’s a bit bizarre that we’d never met before! We’ve been going out about 4 month now, and I know he’s really really into me.

However, a good friend just split with her boyfriend, a guy who I always had a bit of a thing for. She really messed him about, so I’ve been the shoulder to cry on. Last week he told me that I was the only thing in the world that made him happy anymore. I’ve really wanted to kiss him a few times and I nearly did then! I haven’t seen him for a week now to see if my feelings go away, but they get stronger everyday! I really don’t want to be his rebound girl, and I really don’t want to hurt Michael, but I know I want him more. What should I do?

Thanks,

Confused girl xx

P.S - sorry if the above seems disjointed - heads a bit of a mess.

dudara

I could be doing you an injustice here, but it sounds as if you're the kind of girl who needs to have a man around.

Whether this is true or not, you need to take a step back and clear your head. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Agreed, you don't HAVE to have a man in your life. It sounds like one hell of a powderkeg of a situation, so I'd advise stepping back and just taking time to be by yourself? Sounds like it's going to end in tears whichever guy you go for

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply

I don't think I'm the kinda girl that needs a guy around the place! I was happily single for about a year before John, and I wasn't even looking for a relationship when I met Michael.

If I break it off with Michael, I risk losing everything if I am the rebound girl.
If I don't break it off with Michael, I might forever be thinking about the other guy :S

Rev Hellfire

You should give it a shot.

There's no point looking back 6 months from how when everything has blown over and wondering what would have happened if you had the nerve to do what you wanted to do and said damn the begrudgers.

Femelade

you cant truly have strong feelings for michael if you are thinking about this other guy.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies!

What happens if I'm just the other guys (Peter) rebound girl though? I don't think I could stand that - I'd lose both him and Michael as friends.

Pigletlover

what about your 'good friend' in all of this? How would she react to you and her ex getting together? I think you should distance yourself from this guy before you go too far and re-think your feelings for your boyfriend, because you don't seem to be fully committed to him and it's not fair to mess him around.

Aurora Borealis

Pigletlover.. Think it depends on whether her friend is seeing someone herself and how long ago they broke up. It's def not ideal but people vary hugely on this.
Re Michael. I've done the rebound thing and as you seem to imply here yourself it's not a good idea at all. Surely having been in that confused state before you should give this some time to settle down and see how you're feeling and indeed how Michael is feeling then.

If it is there it doesn't have to be rushed.


AB.

kmick

whoa you are in some screwed up cycle
You get dumped - go on the rebound with some other guy
Then you find a fella you like but are about to dump him for
some other guy who is on the rebound - knowing full well that will end in tears.

You have three choices as I see it.

Break up with your current boyfrind and sort your head out. Reading between the lines he is sweet but your interest is low.

Stay with your current boyfriend and try and work through the grass is greener patch. This happens to all of us all the time but maturity teaches us some lessons here i.e. the grass is greener but its because the farmer dumped a load of **** on it a week back.

Break up with current fella - hook up with new guy but keep it cool until he works his head through his rebound situation. worst case scenarion - your cycle of rebound and bust continues and you end up a relationship basketcase.

Id personally go back to scratch and choose 1 but Im not you.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Dragan

You sound as confused as i used to feel. Telling myself i had strong feelings for this person and that person.

Take some time to yourself and get your head together. It will help you far more in the long run.

Wibbs

Nail on the head from Kmick. There's more rebounding here than in a five a side game of squash. Not good. You're having a relationship with michael with two other guys involved. A part of you still has a relationship with john. A big part as it's involving all that have followed it.

BTW IMHO michael is also a rebound. I've seen people rebound from a "big love" for years with person after person. Ive seen a woman, a smaaart cookie too, leave a love of one year to rebound with a new guy for 4 years and then go back to bloke 1.

Rebounds don't stop until you fully process the original relationship and move through it, on from it and learn from it. In that process you'll learn about yourself.

Now this new guy. Big chemistry right? Getting bigger too? Now what follows is one of my mad cap theories so ignore as appropriate......

Everyone has a template of what they want in a partner. This is informed by society, childhood, connections with our parents and previous experiences of lovers etc. OK so far so good.

Now in a well balanced mind that template is more or less healthy and with quite a bit of leeway. In a less balanced mind from a bit mad to all the way to loopjob(tm)(which is most of us BTW ), that template can have quite a few bad parts that can be unhealthy for us.

One trite and very basic example would be a woman who has a father that left when she was at a vulnerable age. As her first experience of love from a man part of her template may contain the idea that men who leave love you kinda thing. Or a woman who had an emotionally distant father, may seek out as her template men who are emotionally distant as she tries to "fix" the mistakes of her past. She will likely find great "chemistry" with a man who exhibits those tendencies. She'll then wonder why she ends up with guys like that.

Now as I say they're terribly obvious and heavy handed examples. People are far more subtle than that and it can vary with age among other things.

The guys may to an outside viewer be totally different in personality, but you'll often find the part of the template that needs the most work and needs to be gotten rid of is the very part they all plug into.

So my madcap theory is that if you have had abusive relationships of any nature before and it looks like a pattern, then the next guy you meet that you have scary chemistry with is odds on to repeat that pattern.

In your case OP you need to process john. You need to deal with why you found/find him so appealing beyond what may seem obvious as I reckon what you find out is what you may need to address in yourself.

AckwelFoley

You have 3 "Options" all of which will end in tears.

1.The ex boyfriend doesnt want you - dont persue it.

2. You dont want Michael, leave him be. In your heart if you dont like him - dont settle for less

3.The close friends ex. Thats always a disaster waiting to happen. Never touch a close friends ex.


Best thing to do is to stay clear from all 3. Hopefully (as we both row the same boat ) you will meet the right one that wont mess ur head or anyone elses by the relationship itself

Nevyn

ConfusedGalway I would suggest you break up with the guy you are with and take 3 months time out and be single and get some new rechargeable batteries.

AckwelFoley

Thaedydal wrote: »

ConfusedGalway I would suggest you break up with the guy you are with and take 3 months time out and be single and get some new rechargeable batteries.

Batteries? For the tv remote? :pac:

LegacyUser

Thanks for all of the advice guys, most of which I stupidly didn't take.

I met up with Peter on Saturday night. We were kinda close all night and then suddenly we were kissing. Things progressed on pretty quickly and it was one of the best nights of my life.
Until the guilt came that is.

I've never cheated, and always said I wouldn't be a cheat. I've agreed with Peter that we should never do that again for Michaels sake, but I don't know what to do. I dont want to lose him, he's amazing, but everything is just too complicated at the moment

I'm a bit of a mess right now.

Tragedy

Break up with everyone you have a relationship and sort your head out, you're being a complete headwreck to two guys at the moment.

Wibbs

I hate to put it in these terms, but grow a spine and end this now. It's your responsibility to stop it. Don't rely on them to do so. As it stands you're going with your feelings and horniness and justifying and feeling guilty for your actions later. If you truly felt guilty you wouldn't repeat it.

Phaetonman

Read the charter. Unhelpful posts are not welcome.

jellie

so you didnt wanna break up with the 1st guy incase it didnt work with the 2nd guy? so you are using the 1st guy as a safety net. nice :rolleyes:

& then you cheat on the 1st guy with the 2nd guy? you should have broken up with him as soon as you realised he wasnt your first choice which hes clearly not.

the thing is the 2nd guy is probably just using you the same way youre using the 1st guy. & you probably deserve it.

davyjose

Thaedydal wrote: »

ConfusedGalway I would suggest you break up with the guy you are with and take 3 months time out and be single and get some new rechargeable batteries.

Would agree entirely (certainly with the first part :pac:) at the end of the day, if there's any confusion about this Michael guy, then I don't consider there to be much of a future, so you owe it to him to cut it off now.
As for the other guy, I can say it is very likely you'll be a rebound.

Wibbs

Forgetting about the back and forth here for a moment and forgetting about the whole moral issue too. Have you asked yourself, really asked yourself honestly why you're doing this? You're complicating your life, never mind theirs to a potentially very hurtful degree. Why are you in this car wreck in progress and why do you find yourself pushing your foot down on the accelerator rather than hitting the brakes? I reckon until you examine that bit, you'll keep on this course.

Loomis

Break up with the guy you're with. He doesn't deserve what you did to him and you don't deserve him.
I'd suggest being on your own until you sort your head out (which may take some time) but go with Mr 'most amazing night of my life' if you want but I can't see it ending well. Whatever happens - it's all your own doing.

Irishcrx

OP, to be honest to me you sound a little insecure yourself, like your keeping back ups incase one fails and it's not fair on any of the guy's that you are stringing along, not to mention that when things like this come out and trust me they ALWAYS do you are going to look very bad. I think you should take a step back from everyone, tell them you need time to sort some thing's out and take a look at yourself and the guy's your interested in, make a decision on one of them tell the other your not interested and make a go of it...or let them both go and sort your own head out. If your not happy in yourself and your own decisions you won't be with anyone else and this will get worst.

all the stars

you should take some time to be single. You are being kinda selfish as regards how you are treating these lads & your friend if she finds out -

get single, and get your head toghether.

Ickle Magoo

Maybe you shouldn't be with either of them, or anyone for that matter? It doesn't sound like you are too sure what or whom you want & why, I think you should spend some time working that out. It all sounds a bit relationship for new & exciting relationships sake Vs relationship for sentimental reasons rather than because you can't see past the guy & don't want to be with anyone else.

Gemini Sister

Ahem! Step aside judgemental folk, I happen to have some experience in this matter.

OP, as No. 2 if he is serious about you. If he is happy to 'never let it happen again' cause of no. 1 than move on. But I'd get that straight cause then you know exactly what you're dealing with.

Then tell them both you wanna a month out. Seriously, take that time.