Really Down

LegacyUser

I'll start by saying that, just like another current thread at the moment, both my wife and myself work so hard, and are "good honest hardworking people".

I currently work about 70 hrs per week and have my own business in its infancy. I work hard to earn a comfortable future for my family. My wife works full time, runs the home, and looks after our child. We do not get much together time and when we do, we are knackered.

I really like to see a lady dressed feminine style, skirts, heels etc etc. At present it doesnt happen at home, but after speaking to her face to face numerous times, (as recommended by ACCORD on our pre-marrige course), it still hasnt sunk in. I work with the public, and see this daily which excites me no-end but it frustrates me something seriously when I get home and find jeans, tracksuits etc etc. I have even threatened to cut up her jeans ! I can come home anytime and she will look after me any way I like, if you know what I mean, but when I see tracksuits or trousers, I just get completely turned off.

I admit I am stressed, I have the medication to prove it, but this issue is stressing me even more. I have asked her 20 times to look a bit more feminine - even if its just when I am around, but it rarely happens. I love my family and dont want to threaten it, but am now considering visiting a parlour where they will cater for my needs. Just tonight I emailed two ladies for contact details but I dont want to do this. The stupid thing is that there is no action or act they can do that I cannot get at home, it is purely an image/excitement issue.

What the feck can I do ?

Really Down

LegacyUser

You sound very stressed, is there no way you can hire someone part-time and reduce your number of hours working in the business? As regards your wife, you have to realise when you tell someone they can't do something - they want to do it more. Example - tell a smoker they can't smoke - and they will want a cigarette even more than before. I believe you telling your wife she can't dress casual makes her want to do it even more. Try to relax a little. Hope this helps.

milod

OP, it soundfs like control freakery to me - it's as if you are trying to find a small piece of your life you can control, in a sea of uncertainty around your new business.

Honestly, the clothes you wife wears are not that important an issue unless they're so scruffy they point to hygiene issues. Now you're trying justify potential visits to prostitutes on the basis that your wife hasn't followed the due procedure laid down by Accord, and complied with your wishes...?

She's your wife, not your employee - you don't get to impose a dress code. Perhaps the clothes she wears reflect her lifestyle, perhaps looking after kids maybe? of some other sort of job that doesn't require a suit?

The first thing I do when I get home is tear off the work clothes, as does my g/f and she certainly doesn't do a footballers wives routine...

Have you tried going out for a meal or something? that might give her a reason to dress in a feminine way for you...

dudara

milod wrote: »

Honestly, the clothes you wife wears are not that important an issue unless they're so scruffy they point to hygiene issues. Now you're trying justify potential visits to prostitutes on the basis that your wife hasn't followed the due procedure laid down by Accord, and complied with your wishes...?

The clothes thing is probably masking some other irritation on your part. Unless she's downright scruffy, you have no real right to to dictate how she dresses. Wearing skirt, heels etc should be her choice. (And trust me, when running around the house cleaning etc, a skirt and heels is the last thing you'll want to wear).

John Mason

Jaysis, if my OH told me to wear skirts and heels when i was cleaning the house or doing to the shopping just to excite him - i would be excitedly showing him the door.

It shouldnt matter what your wife is wearing, there is obviously some other underlining issues that need to be dealt with. Go see and speak to a professional

heavyheart

She works full time , looks after the house and the kids while you work your 70 hr weeks and on top of that you ask her to dress up in heels and a skirt ?? How about organising a babysitter for her and taking her out to dinner or away for a weekend ?? Im sure she would have no problem dressing up then , when it is actually APPROPRIATE for her to dress up . not while cooking your dinner and cleaning the house , seriously are you for real ???

Clink

Agree with Heavyheart, give her a reason to get dressed up. Tell her you're bringing her out for a fancy meal and give her some dosh to go out buy a nice outfit. I think though you're looking for an excuse to justify looking for sex outside of your marriage as in honesty this is a problem easily solved.

Dizzyblonde

OP are you projecting all your stress onto this? Don't, it's unfair on your wife and as someone else said, it really makes you sound like a control freak. You also can't use it as an excuse to visit a prostitute! In my opinion you need to sort out the areas of your life that aren't working and stop obsessing about what your wife's wearing.

(I can't believe this is for real - are we sure this isn't a troll?)

moco

irishbird wrote: »

Jaysis, if my OH told me to wear skirts and heels when i was cleaning the house or doing to the shopping just to excite him - i would be excitedly showing him the door.

It shouldnt matter what your wife is wearing, there is obviously some other underlining issues that need to be dealt with. Go see and speak to a professional

Lol.

You shouldn't be asking your wife to get dolled up to do the housework, Would you wear a suit to do the gardening?

She works hard and it's not practical to wear dresses and skirts around the house.

Balmed Out

if its such a big deal for you to have her get dressed up then give her a reason to. May be tough to organise but a night out / dinner etc should work.

tbh

there's a situation here, where you want her to behave differently to the way she's behaving (by being more dressed up the odd time), and she wants you to behave differently to the way you are behaving (stop pestering her to get all dressed up).

All I can see from your post is your frustration that she's not acting the way you want her to, nothing from you to ask how you can stop asking her to do this

Dude, you know she's knackered by the time you get home, who the hell would want to get all dressed up after looking after a house and child all day? Have you ever done something for her, in the same way as you're expecting her to do something for you?

What I suggest is a compromise. Say maybe one night a month, you hand the child off to relatives, bring her out and really spoil her. You give a little, you get a little.

Don't go to escorts, put that idea out of your head right now. Either you'll like it and want to do it again, in which case I can promise you you'll be caught eventually (and your kids will think you're a scumbag for the rest of their lives) or you won't like and will suffer a major guilt trip.

Get your priorities straight. If you want to work all the hours, and leave your wife to cope on her own at home, fine, but it comes at a price. If you don't, don't. Simple as.

LegacyUser

Obviously I did not explain this to well.

I was mainly talking about my day off. Or when I do get home early (maybe once or twice a week). The idea that she would get dressed up to do cleaning or ironing is just plain crackers.

There is no excitement.

Oh, and this is not a troll.

Puffin

I find it interesting that you start your thread with a discussion of your work, and how hard you work. It sounds like you have some really challenges at the moment and are constantly having to work around things you cannot change.

Like other posters suggest, I wonder if you have subconsciously fixated on your wife’s clothing as ‘something I can fix’ and ‘once it’s fixed I’ll know that I can make a difference and I can succeed’.

Now there’s nothing wrong with setting yourself a goal, and looking at that to teach yourself that you can succeed, however I would STRONGLY suggest choosing something that is about YOU (ie write poetry, get fit, meet up with friends more, restore an antique car etc) rather than expressing yourself by changing (controlling? manipulating?) another person.

Galadriel

reallydown wrote: »

Obviously I did not explain this to well.

I was mainly talking about my day off. Or when I do get home early (maybe once or twice a week). The idea that she would get dressed up to do cleaning or ironing is just plain crackers.

There is no excitement.

Oh, and this is not a troll.

But is your day off her day off? if she has to work then come home and mind the kids then why would she dress up?

What way does she dress if you go out for dinner etc?

Seraphina

reallydown wrote: »

I currently work about 70 hrs per week and have my own business in its infancy. I work hard to earn a comfortable future for my family. My wife works full time, runs the home, and looks after our child. We do not get much together time and when we do, we are knackered.

so you admit all this stuff about not much time together and being knackered when you do, but you think its perfectly ok to repeatedly complain about what she wears?!?!

so when do you want her to wear heels and skirts. on sundays when she wants to be relaxing after a hard weeks work too?

this is frankly bizarre. and by asking her to wear something different, you may not intend it, but she's probably taking it as criticism, feeling less sexy, and less inclined to 'dress up' for you because she feels silly.

as others have said, give her a reason to dress up! get a babysitter sorted for your day off and take her out somewhere nice. spoil her, otherwise its just you coming in after she's spent the day working, taking care of your child, and keeping the house, and finding something inane to gripe about, ignoring all the hard work she's done for you by asking more of her.

totally unappreciative tbh. i'd be showing you the door too.

tbh

ok, look, you want her to make an effort for you. So, what effort have you made for her?

heavyheart

You say you work 70 hr weeks , and you say you have a day off , which means your working almost 12 hr days . Maybe she couldn't be bothered dressing up cause your never there anyway ?
I definitely think there is an underlying issue here , almost like your only looking for an excuse to go somewhere else for a bit of excitement .
She as your wife is never gonna be able to satisfy you when im not even sure you no what you want.

Clink

Also if she's working full time, running the house and minding the kids without you being around to help when is she going to find the time to go clothes shopping? Another idea might be to take charge of the house and kids one Saturday, give her your credit card and tell her to spend the day shopping for 'going out' clothes.

Hrududu

You seem to think she is your employee that should dress how you want when you want. She works a job, then looks after your kid, you spend all your time working. And when you arent working you are bitching to her about what she should be wearing. Then when she won't comply you start thinking about prostitutes. Other people are not put on this earth to do as you say.

Chinafoot

reallydown wrote: »

I currently work about 70 hrs per week and have my own business in its infancy. I work hard to earn a comfortable future for my family. My wife works full time, runs the home, and looks after our child. We do not get much together time and when we do, we are knackered.

Running a home and looking after a child is in itself a full-time job, any stay-at-home parent will tell you that.
Of course you're both knackered, but honestly how attractive do you expect her to feel after a day of work, child and housekeeping? Why on earth would she want to slap on a skirt and some stilettos just to please you? What do you do for her?

reallydown wrote: »

I can come home anytime and she will look after me any way I like, if you know what I mean, but when I see tracksuits or trousers, I just get completely turned off.

Right, so despite the unbelievably long day she has with her own job, her child and keeping the house in order, she will provide for you sexually but because she doesn't get dressed up the way you like you're not happy? Get a grip man. She's probably wrecked! You should thank your lucky stars that she has the energy to "look after you". You sound incredibly selfish here. Yes you're working 70 hour weeks but when a child and a house is involved I would argue that she is the one with an even bigger workload. She can't leave her child the way you leave the office. Do you "look after her" too? Or do you feel she should be the one making all the effort here? If that's the case you need to seriously reassess your priorities in this marriage.

reallydown wrote: »

I have asked her 20 times to look a bit more feminine - even if its just when I am around, but it rarely happens.

Stop thinking about yourself and realise how difficult things must be for her. You're working ridiculously long hours (by choice I might add, nobody has forced you to start a business) and she has to look after the child, as well as do her own job. Have you *any* idea how tiring that is in itself? Then you come home and moan about what she's wearing?! Unbelievable.

reallydown wrote: »

I love my family and dont want to threaten it, but am now considering visiting a parlour where they will cater for my needs. Just tonight I emailed two ladies for contact details but I dont want to do this. The stupid thing is that there is no action or act they can do that I cannot get at home, it is purely an image/excitement issue.

Again, unbelievable. You're going to potentially destroy your marriage because your wife is more than likely too exhausted to get dressed up for you in order for you to get your rocks off. I agree with the others here, you're using this an excuse for a bigger issue in your marriage. Go and get counselling. (Your pre-marriage course doesn't count by the way.)

reallydown wrote: »

What the feck can I do ?

You can stop thinking solely about yourself for a start. You say you want her to do it on your day off. Has it dawned on you that unless you get someone to take care of your child, your wife does not get a day off? Again, like the others said, have you given her any reason to get dressed up, apart from you wanting some excitement when she's knackered?

Try and see things from here point of view for a change. Perhaps take a day off from work and try to run the house and look afetr your child and see how hard it really is. I get a real sense that you don't see her responsibilities as being as difficult or as important as yours. You need to change that attitude if you want to keep your family. Yes, you're trying to set up a business to provide for your family, but if you let it control your life there's a good chance you'll have no family to provide for at the end.

Go see a professional with your wife.

all the stars

reallydown wrote: »

I'll start by saying that, just like another current thread at the moment, both my wife and myself work so hard, and are "good honest hardworking people".

I currently work about 70 hrs per week and have my own business in its infancy. I work hard to earn a comfortable future for my family. My wife works full time, runs the home, and looks after our child. We do not get much together time and when we do, we are knackered.

I really like to see a lady dressed feminine style, skirts, heels etc etc. At present it doesnt happen at home, but after speaking to her face to face numerous times, (as recommended by ACCORD on our pre-marrige course), it still hasnt sunk in. I work with the public, and see this daily which excites me no-end but it frustrates me something seriously when I get home and find jeans, tracksuits etc etc. I have even threatened to cut up her jeans ! I can come home anytime and she will look after me any way I like, if you know what I mean, but when I see tracksuits or trousers, I just get completely turned off.

I admit I am stressed, I have the medication to prove it, but this issue is stressing me even more. I have asked her 20 times to look a bit more feminine - even if its just when I am around, but it rarely happens. I love my family and dont want to threaten it, but am now considering visiting a parlour where they will cater for my needs. Just tonight I emailed two ladies for contact details but I dont want to do this. The stupid thing is that there is no action or act they can do that I cannot get at home, it is purely an image/excitement issue.

What the feck can I do ?

Really Down

im sorry, but considering going else where completely defeats the purpose of bein married. Shame on you for even trying to insinuate that she is driving you to it... you work 70 hours - which is a health issue, and when you are finished, and go home - she is still working, looking after home and kids as well as a full time job. Maybe cutting down hours and re-evaluating what is important in life is whats needed.

Also, if you want her to dress up more, give her a reason too! Don't expect her to cater to each & every thing you want - its just impossible, and i have to say- shallow on your part.
It is disgraceful to consider cheating over something like this. You really need to consider your family and how your actions will forever affect their lives.

vorbis

I'll play devils advocate here since most people are lambasting the OP. Asking your SO to dress up in a certain manner (high heels and a dress is not that kinky) ONCE a week is not an unreasonable request. If she agreed to it once a forthnight I think the OP would be happy. Launching into a tirade about what has the OP done for her is not helpful imo. He might do plenty for her. We don't know.

All we know is that the OP has a strangish request and that his wife doesn't want to fulfil that for whatever reasons. I have to say Chinafoot, it is a bit precious to insinuate that a mere guy couldn't possibly understand the amount of work a mom has to do. He's working 12 hour days ffs!

DublinWriter

reallydown wrote: »

My wife works full time, runs the home, and looks after our child. We do not get much together time and when we do, we are knackered.

I don't mean to sound disingenious, but do you come home in an Armani/Canali suit with matching suit and tie?

Good for you, you're starting a new business, but by your own admission your wife has three jobs on the go already. Do you really want to make 'looking like a Stepford Wife' her fourth?

I'd be in full agreement with most other posters here - it sounds there is a deeper control issue going on in your life.

Maybe I'm a bit naive; if my wife-elect came home from work wearing a potato-sack, I'd be happy(ish!).

Chinafoot

vorbis wrote: »

I have to say Chinafoot, it is a bit precious to insinuate that a mere guy couldn't possibly understand the amount of work a mom has to do. He's working 12 hour days ffs!

Did you miss the part where he said his wife also has a full time job as well as looking after the child and running the house? Looking after a child is a 24 hour job. Also, don't put words in my mouth. "A mere guy", that's not what I meant. I'm not saying men have no idea what it's like, I'm saying it sounds like this man has no idea.

He's so focused on himself, he mentions his child once. He's working 70 hour weeks, himself and his partner are exhausted, where does he mention getting to spend time with his child? That isn't his concern. No, no, instead he's considering prostitutes because his wife, despite being sexually available to him, doesn't dress as pretty as he'd like.

There are obviously underlying issues here that the OP needs to address. Counselling is the way to go here.

LegacyUser

Clink wrote: »

Also if she's working full time, running the house and minding the kids without you being around to help when is she going to find the time to go clothes shopping? Another idea might be to take charge of the house and kids one Saturday, give her your credit card and tell her to spend the day shopping for 'going out' clothes.

Answers to questions and comments.

She has 11 grand in credit cards and regularly uses it.

I have only asked her to do this one or twice a week.

She wears tracksuits to work, I dont wear Armani suits, but suits every day.

I started the business to secure our future, it will get easier, but not for a while - do you think I enjoy 14 (not 12) hour days ?

She goes out whenever she wants to and I rosta to have time off to cover this, no problems or complaints.

WE BOTH WORK HARD BUT SHE HAS NO COMPLAINTS.

all the stars

reallydown wrote: »

WE BOTH WORK HARD BUT SHE HAS NO COMPLAINTS.

Im sure if she read your post, she would be able to say what she feels is not ok in your relationship. Clearly you do not feel fulfilled & satisfied within your marraige or you wouldn't be looking to go outside it? Not meaning t attack, yes it's a lovely idea to have the lady you love dress up nicely for you & im sure if she had more time & energy she would... however, you have to understand how your post soundsd so selfish to others...

I get where you are coming from but you have to see that at some point in life, some things will come before the visual/ superficial.. i have to say, considering other women is a very bad choice - think of your kids & family... your actions will affect their lives..

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

ok, look, you want her to make an effort for you. So, what effort have you made for her?

Lets see now.

I work more hours than i care to remember to provide her with a roof over head and hopefully a secure financial future.

I send her to Boston xmas shopping every December.

I bought her a new car for her birthday.

Now, what else have I done?

Victor

I may be completely misreading this, but .....

reallydown wrote: »

Lets see now. I work more hours than i care to remember to provide her with a roof over head and hopefully a secure financial future. I send her to Boston xmas shopping every December. I bought her a new car for her birthday. Now, what else have I done?

Have you demonstrated you love her? Money isn't everything.

barbiegirl

Yes OP everyone is attacking is you and it's not fair! Please read back what you have written throughout this. Everything is money and sex. Time is so much more important and is the beiggest gift you can give her and your kids. What is important is a home not a house, your wife and kids. Please look at your priorities, and look at how much she does for you, she helps towards the bills, she works full time hence you do not GIVE her a credit card or a shopping trip, you are a partnership it is hers to take as much a syours to give, even if she wasn't working. She raises your children and runs your house. Be grateful, go for councelling, don't go to a prostitute, deal with your stress issues, work at your marriage and above all stop blaming everyone else!

littlefriend

I don't even know where to start! Are you for real..
Sounds like you are getting the better deal in the relationship to be honest. God love her

heavyheart

Look, I work long hours , i dont have chrildren and when i get home you can be sure the last thing i want to is dress up ...so can you imagine how your wife feels to come home after a long day at work to kids and a house to clean and then you asking her to play dress up ? I no where i would tell my OH to go.
Your approach of hounding her to dress up isnt obviously working. Your best bet is to organise a night off for the 2 of you ,im shocked this really has to be even pointed out to you ?? Of course if there are kids involved it has to be organised its not as easy just asking and getting , you are not supposed to be acting like the selfish child in this .
If you want a sexy night for the 2 of you then organise it , plan it in advance and see how it goes .
do you ask her to go out ? I dont no any woman who if asked to go out doesnt get someway dressed up ????
I no your feeling like your being attacked but god i was so enraged just reading your post i honestly dont think you have a clue how selfish your post is coming across and justifying thinking your great by telling us all how you flash your cash on presents isnt helping.
Id rather my OH worked less hours then providing holidays and cars as presents , money really isnt everything .

tbh

reallydown wrote: »

Lets see now.

I work more hours than i care to remember to provide her with a roof over head and hopefully a secure financial future.

I send her to Boston xmas shopping every December.

I bought her a new car for her birthday.

Now, what else have I done?

that's all material stuff man. I bet if you came home with a bunch of flowers and told her she was the best mother and wife in the world, and you were so glad to have her, she'd prefer that to a new car. But, yeah, you're right, probably easier to go to a prostitute.

vorbis

Victor wrote: »

I may be completely misreading this, but .....Have you demonstrated you love her? Money isn't everything.

I always thought you were a man Victor????

Everything he mentioned DEMONSTRATED that he loves her. "Show me you love me" is something that women who want to be manipulative say. Guys show women they care for them by doing stuff for them and helping them. Women show men that they care for them by telling them how much they love them, not as much of the doing stuff though.

Chinafoot

vorbis wrote: »

I always thought you were a man Victor????

Everything he mentioned DEMONSTRATED that he loves her. "Show me you love me" is something that women who want to be manipulative say. Guys show women they care for them by doing stuff for them and helping them. Women show men that they care for them by telling them how much they love them, not as much of the doing stuff though.

Helping her is not throwing money at her. Helping her would be spending more time at home with his child and alleviating some of her stress. As has been pointed out she has 3 jobs at the moment. Money does not equal happiness in a relationship, and I reckon you'll be hard pushed to find many women who will agree with your view point on this.

St Bill

vorbis wrote: »

Women show men that they care for them by telling them how much they love them, not as much of the doing stuff though.

It looks like the woman in the OP's life does a lot for him, so I don't know where you're getting your info from


OP, it sounds like you're getting frustated with the mundane things that happen in every couples' life. If you want to bring passion/excitement to your relationship, you're going to have to make an effort too. From your posts, it looks like you want your wife to get all dressed up for your gratification while you just sit around in your work clothes. Why does the onus have to be on just her to make the effort?
Your wife sounds like an amazing woman, you must think so too.....otherwise you wouldn't have married her.

vorbis

Same place you're getting your info from What specifically do you mean by she does a lot for him? She looks after the kid and works as well. Not entirely sure how that translates to doing a lot for her husband.

The job thing sounds like "pain now, gain later". If it works out it will mean good things for both of them. Money does not equal happiness but a lack of it leads to unhappiness in a large amount of cases. If I recollect, arguments over finances (presumably the lack of it) is one of the leading causes of divorce. If the OP switched to a much lower paying job, the wife would very likely be upset over a big drop in the standard of living.

edit: regarding the main point in the OP's first post. Leaving aside possible control freak issues (we really don't know enough to assume that), the OP has a mild sexual fetish that his wife for whatever reason won't entertain. I'd estimate that she could spend 15 minutes once a week putting on a dress and a set of high heels to please her partner. Imo, these kind of favours are to be expected in a serious relationship.

St Bill

"I can come home anytime and she will look after me any way I like, if you know what I mean"

This is in the opening post, that's where I got my info from.

Looking after their child and maintaining the home is doing things for him too (as part of that partnership deal you get involved in when you exchange vows), just like him bringing home the bacon is doing things for her.

ScouseMouse

If the guy is out busting his bollix, not for himself, but his family, it is not really fair to attack him and say he is working to hard ! There are to many people in this country that are to lazy to work, so it is nearly commendable that he is out working for his cash.

If it is a new startup business, he is probably under almighty pressure, I know, I have a new business aswell. What he seemed to be saying is once or twice a week he would like to see his wife nicely dressed. This started people off saying she should be ironing in a dress and heels. LOL

Not quite what I think he meant.

vorbis

St Bill, I'd take that to mean that they have a healthy sex life. I'd really hope that my girlfriend doesn't think she's doing me a favour by having sex with me!!!

Hrududu

If the guy is out busting his bollix, not for himself, but his family, it is not really fair to attack him and say he is working to hard ! There are to many people in this country that are to lazy to work, so it is nearly commendable that he is out working for his cash.

But so is she. She has her own job and then comes home to look after house and child.

St Bill

vorbis wrote: »

St Bill, I'd take that to mean that they have a healthy sex life. I'd really hope that my girlfriend doesn't think she's doing me a favour by having sex with me!!!

Hard to tell when I can't see what you look like :p.
The OP says that SHE looks after HIM, there's no mention of HIM looking after HER (sexually). That doesn't sound like a healthy sex life to me.
From what I've read, the OP is posting because his wife is not doing what he wants her to do. I think she does enough for him as it is (going by his posts).
However if the OP wants more excitement/passion in his relationship, he won't get what he wants if he treats his wife like one of his employees. Marriage is a two way deal, and he'll have to treat his wife the way he wants to be treated. How would he like it if she started issuing demands e.g. I want you to earn more money because we don't have enough.
Bottom line is he won't get anywhere if he's just issuing demands and not willing to step up to the line himself, there has to be a compromise with both partners willing to work on the issue