SadKitten

LegacyUser

Ok, so another boy & girl story...will try to keep it brief.

I have been lucky enough to have a fantastic man in my life for the last year & a half, I think he's fantastic.
I come from a bad family background..a lot of abuse,particularly mental.Typical Irish attitudes of 'just get on with it & don't mention it' pervailed & I'm currently working hard in therapy to reclaim my sanity. A lot of the issues had to do with my parents hating each other & manipulating everyone else into the misery.
Last week, my mother aged 69 upped & left my father aged 70,she moved into some local rental place. I haven't been able to find a way to process/even think about this


So... tonight himself & myself meet for dinner. We sit down & I tell him that I'm going to speak to my counsellor to ask her to help me find some way to process this...
To this he replies 'maybe you can't process it, you'll just have to deal with it'
I asked him was he seriously telling someone who was only learning to accept their feelings properly (me) to not try deal with this? I challenged him & said 'how would you feel if I said this to you if situations were reversed'

To this he replied 'I think it would be fine'... this rocked me to my core. I've always thought him to be so kind & compassionate & the fact that he thinks this is acceptable is just alien to me.

Needless to say he wasn't happy,I tried to be honest about what I feel & said I didn't see how we could be in a relationship when that would be so polar opposite to my beliefs...he said nothing to this

It ended up that we ate in silence & went our seperate ways.

I presume it's over, I'm devestated, I'm stunned & I'm so hurt & confused. He knows my background, he knows how sad all this makes me...why would he say that, is it a bloke thing?

ideas anyone

LegacyUser

I think he just doesn't understand what you're going through and that is not his fault or yours. However, flying off the handle at him for something that isn't his fault is entirely unreasonable. If I were you, I would apologize to him and then, if you still want a relationship with him, explain your feelings to him a bit better.

jellie

Some questions:
1. Is he usually understanding about these things?
2. Are you usually a needy person?
3. Is it possible hes having problems of his own at the moment to deal with & your issues are too much for him to deal with on top of his own?

I ask because if hes usually understanding then maybe theres something wrong. If youre usually needy then maybe its just getting too much.
& if he has stuff of his own to deal with he might not need extra stuff on his mind from you.

Drummerboy2

Sometimes, people find it hard to comprehend the suffering of other people. They probably find it difficult to continuously hear about how hurt their partner feels with their past. I wouldn't be too hard on him. Perhaps he was a little insensitive but he probably just wants to think about your future together and not want to dwell on the past. I think it is just a misunderstanding.

Drift

Do you talk to him about these issues a lot OP? It could be that he wants to be more of a boyfriend to you and less of a counsellor. I don't know your case OP so I could easily be way off the mark, but it can be quite hard to hold down a relationship with someone if you constantly have to be their counsellor and help them with their problems without the reverse happening. Do you help him with his problems? Do you have fun together at times when you don't discuss your issues?

I'm sorry if this is way off, just a possibility that struck me.

Seraphina

i'll be perfectly honest OP, i really don't understand your need to 'process' this in any way

you say your parents have hated eachother and manipulated everyone else in their misery? surely then your mother leaving your father will relieve this pressure and there will be no more cases of you stuck between the two while they snipe at each other?

personally, if i was in your situation, i think it would be fine as well, in fact i think it would be the best outcome, and the kind of thing that i would have wanted to happen years ago, so they could both be happy by themselves and not drag the rest of the family into it.

frankly, i think you're being really stupid about ending your relationship over the fact that he would be able to cope with this situation emotionally, and because of your history, you can't.
you don't have polar opposite beliefs, you have emotional problems which you are dealing with by going to a counsellor, and he doesn't. you can't expect him to understand every thing that upsets you, you come from totally different backgrounds.

CrazyNoob

OP I fail to see what you mean by 'process' this??? your bf gave you an honest answer,
If my parents broke up - I'd be relatively OK with their decision - that probably makes me cold in your book also

you broke up with someone because they dont agree with your point of view on your parents splitting and now you're devestated??
I think you made your own bed on this issue.

No its not a bloke thing - its a you thing

Puffin

All of us have issues. Some of us struggle to feel we belong, some of us are insecure about our physical appearance, some of us still feel sick when we think back to our under 16’s football final. These things aren’t governed by reason or logic- human are highly emotional beings.

From the sound of it:

You are upset by the fact that you weren’t allowed to work through your feelings when you were growing up.

This isn’t good or bad, right or wrong. It’s just the way you are.

Now, you can’t expect people to have had the same experience, or to understand exactly why that hurts you, or to have the same personal needs as you BUT you can expect those close to you to accept this and to support you as you deal with this. I know lots of people who say ‘I don’t quite understand why she gets so upset around her sister… but the situation really upsets her so I just to shut up and hold her hand.’

Have a talk to your boyfriend. Stress that you don’t expect him to feel the same as you, but it is important that he acknowledges how you feel, and that your feelings around an issue are as important as his differing feelings around the same issue.

RE*AC*TOR

I imagine the boyfriend didn't intend to be hurtful. It sounds a little like he has to walk on egg shells and that a misplaced or misinterpreted comment can end in ugliness.

I don't know what age you are, but if your parents are about 70 then I imagine 25+ at the least. However, had you omitted the details about your parents age I would have guessed you were under 20 from the tone of your post. What I'm getting at is that although you have problems, I think you need some maturity in accepting that not everything that comes out of your boyfriends mouth might (a) be the most intelligent thing he ever said, and (b) be what you want to hear.

Also I wonder is there an element of fatigue in listening to your problems?

ianhobo

CrazyNoob wrote: »

OP I fail to see what you mean by 'process' this??? your bf gave you an honest answer,
If my parents broke up - I'd be relatively OK with their decision - that probably makes me cold in your book also

you broke up with someone because they dont agree with your point of view on your parents splitting and now you're devestated??
I think you made your own bed on this issue.

No its not a bloke thing - its a you thing

I for one wouldn't be able to easily deal with my parents separating, regardless of how things were between them in the past, poor or otherwise.

To *some* people, the idea of your parents separating can be difficult and emotionally distressing. I would need lots of time to "process" it. It's great that CrazyNoob et al are emotionally strong enough to be able to deal with it, but be aware of the fact that others may not.

Not being able to deal with, process, or rationalise something, would be something I'm sure that flies against the ideas of counselling where the idea is to discuss and reflect in order to understand. Hearing the opposite from your partner, someone who's support in your counselling you previously had , could of course understandably hurt.

Maybe the OP should ask him what exactly he meant by that. I wouldn't specifically say it a guy thing at all, but definitely, as has obviously been shown through this thread, people deal with emotional issues in different ways, and with varying degree's of strength. Maybe he has his own issues which he feels need addressing, or maybe "just dealing with it" is his preferred method. Maybe he would be fine.

Either way, rather than walk away from something would could turn out to be quite a trivial misunderstanding, maybe you should ask him to explain what he meant. You have nothing to lose anyway by doing it. And maybe you'll even understand him a bit more.

starlight07

I have to say I agree with the responses so far, I mean perhaps hes at the end of his tether listening to all your problems. You say you have many and maybe without noticing you are leaning on him too much, I understand that obviously your partner should be there to support you but you mentioned that you are now seeing a counsellor. Its probably not helpful to your progress to be discussing the issues outside of these sessions if you are going to get so worked up from other peoples responses. At the end of the day he's your boyfriend not your therapist and he's not trainded or paid to help you through your issues.

My personal belief is that everyone has their own problems, I havent been to a therapist because Im lucky enough (So far) to be able to "process" and deal with them myself. Obviously I know people with issues and I do try to help when I can but its very unfair and selfish when others constantly offload problems and then get angry when you dont know how to help, I will be an ear to listen no problem but ultimatly the only problems I can solve are my own.

You also mentioned in your thread that you were out to dinner, you should spend times like this forgetting your problems for a few hours and just enjoying each others company.

I dont mean to sound insensitive and I wish you every success in your therapy but I feel you may need to reconsider how you reacted, Im sure you really love your boyfriend and you say he is fantastic so give the guy a break and be grateful to have him in your life. Im sure going through a break up is probably the last thing you need right now.

Hrududu

Also I wonder is there an element of fatigue in listening to your problems?

I could be taking this the wrong way completely. But from the sound of his reply it sounds like there is an element of fatigue there. Do you spend a lot of time talking about your issues with him? Because the best person in the world is going to get sick of that. It sounds like separation is the best outcome for 2 people that hate each other. And I don't want to sound mean here but from this one post you come across as someone who tends to make every thing a huge deal that has to be worked through.

Puffin

I find it interesting that you start your thread with a discussion of your work, and how hard you work. It sounds like you have some really challenges at the moment and are constantly having to work around things you cannot change.

Like other posters suggest, I wonder if you have subconsciously fixated on your wife’s clothing as ‘something I can fix’ and ‘once it’s fixed I’ll know that I can make a difference and I can succeed’.

Now there’s nothing wrong with setting yourself a goal, and looking at that to teach yourself that you can succeed, however I would STRONGLY suggest choosing something that is about YOU (ie write poetry, get fit, meet up with friends more, restore an antique car etc) rather than expressing yourself by changing (controlling? manipulating?) another person.

Puffin

SORRY! wrong post!!

bad bad bad me

Linoge

SadKitten wrote: »

I come from a bad family background..a lot of abuse,particularly mental.

I'm taking it that it was one or both of your parents that physically and mentally abused you? Why should you even care about them at this stage? Maybe your bf is just pissed off that you can't deal with the simplest of situations without going to see a counsellor to "process" the emotion. How about ignoring the situation entirely or talking it out with your bf.

And therapy and counselling are not the same thing.

Cyrus

to be honest even the most understanding person can loose their patience

maybe he is just a bit fed up of you using him as a crutch and wishes you could get over your problems, its understandable but maybe now what you need right now

CrazyNoob

ianhobo wrote: »

I for one wouldn't be able to easily deal with my parents separating, regardless of how things were between them in the past, poor or otherwise.

To *some* people, the idea of your parents separating can be difficult and emotionally distressing. I would need lots of time to "process" it. It's great that CrazyNoob et al are emotionally strong enough to be able to deal with it, but be aware of the fact that others may not.

Point taken - everyone deals with things differently and I freely acknowledge that
but thats also the other side to my post, just because OPs bf had different views its not a cause to break-up surely??

If anything now its made her situation even worse and has two issues now , her parents split and one of her own

different viewpoints shouldnt be placed on pedastals or ridiculed either, rather used to give us a different lens.

Overheal

He might have trouble relating. For instance, I find it difficult sometimes to relate to smokers: I've smoked on the odd occasion before and I may smoke again but its not an addiction for me. So its impossible for me to comprehend when a smoker tells me quitting and staying off them is supposed to be the hardest thing you will ever do. Some will even go so far as to say its harder to quit than Heroin. But of course this is all foreign to me.

I wouldn't be too hard on him. Empathy only extends so far.

also,

To this he replies 'maybe you can't process it, you'll just have to deal with it'
I asked him was he seriously telling someone who was only learning to accept their feelings properly (me) to not try deal with this?

?

LegacyUser

As others have said, there are a lot of things the bf might have meant by his comments. Here's another one: You can't control your parents decision to separate or their feelings that led to that decision. So no amount of analysing the situation ("processing it") will change things. All you can do - and the best thing for your own peace of mind - is accept it ("deal with it").

In this interpretation, your bf might really have your best interests at heart, so don't hang him for his slightly blunt choice of words. I do think though, that his words could indicate a certain impatience with your involvement in therapy, or your belief that it's doing you good (rather than simply that he doesn't want to listen to your problems). Again giving him the benefit of the doubt here, but he might feel that by constantly focussing on and analysing your earlier upsetting experiences you are reliving them and keeping them alive. (This side effect of therapy in some post-traumatic stress patients has been noted in the therapy world, sorry don't have a link handy right now).

I'm not in any way saying that therapy in general or your particular method is categorically bad for you, I know it helps many many people. Just looking at what could be behind his feelings on the matter.

littlefriend

To this he replies 'maybe you can't process it, you'll just have to deal with it'
I asked him was he seriously telling someone who was only learning to accept their feelings properly (me) to not try deal with this?

not sure what the above sentence means??

You mentioned that your parents split up last week - was tonight the first time you spoke to your boyfriend about it? If you have already been through the ins and outs of what happened maybe he wanted to forget things for a while tonight. It can be hard to be the listener all the time.
or
maybe you should take what he said at face value - its has happened, they have split up so there isn't really anything that can be achieved by going over and over it. Unfortunately, you do just have to deal with it.
I think you should give the guy a break

The Sweeper

OP: an observation.

Not many of the blokes I know would have a clue what to say to me if I said to someone "I can't even start to process this."

They'd go: "What? Process it? What do you mean process it? What's there to process? Just deal with it."

And they'd mean exactly the thing I mean.

If I want to 'process' something, I want to try to think about it objectively, figure out how it makes me feel, get my head around what's happened and figure out if there's something I need to do about it - generally get to a point where I can think about it without it making me crazy.

If my other half wanted to 'deal with' something, he'd probably be doing precisely the same thing.

From what I can see from your post, you're so touchy about your family situation that your boyfriend made a general comment by which, to me, he probably meant "You can't fix everything honey, some things you just have to live with", and you went baldheaded for him.

Your first response was to start a sentence with "Are you seriously telling me..." which is frankly Defcon 2 in the lexicon of domestics. To which he probably clammed up. Then, in your own words, you 'Challenged him'.

I have this image of this bloke saying something he hadn't properly thought out in an effort to make you feel better, you turning into a ranting harpie and the poor guy just sitting there thinking "ah all I wanted was me dinner..."

Carrigart Exile

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

I have this image of this bloke saying something he hadn't properly thought out in an effort to make you feel better, you turning into a ranting harpie and the poor guy just sitting there thinking "ah all I wanted was me dinner..."

That's exactly what i thought, he probably walks on egg shells around you

Sephiroth_dude

I think your being overly sensitive about the whole thing being honest.

LegacyUser

Jeez tough crowd on here
Seems to me there's lots of posters being a bit harsh here

The OP said that she told her guy over dinner about the confusion she had on the parents, I didn't see anything about her always leaning on the guy or constantly going on about her problems. Weren't they out to dinner or something? Also as 1 poster said everyone handles things differently
A friend of mine recently had her Dad die, she knew it was coming & got lots of advice around trying to prepare etc etc, 1 person within out social group just gave her a hug & said 'it;ll be alright', maybe that's all the OP needed at that time.
I think a lot of the time we can all be too quick to give advice & less inclined to just be there. Maybe it's just a bit early to be saying move on with it.

RedXIV

As stated earlier, some people just can't comprehend the idea of having trouble "processing" stuff. I've had loads of crap happen to me in my life, stuff that probably sounds like it should have sent me to therapy, but i've always just had this horribly irritating ability to deal with things with a remarkablely small amount of effort. if your bf is from a very stable upbringing, and an eternal optimist like yours truely, it's likely he really can't understand what your going through