Should i forgive her?

anonguest2

Hi,

Sorry for the long post, just need someone to vent to. Haven’t told any friends or family, though I suspect many know.

My girlfriend of 2 years has cheated on me.
She got drunk, went home with a group of lads I know, took some drugs and slept with 1 of them(I used to be friends with him)
This happened some weeks ago, when I was away. I found out off someone else and she admitted to it.

I can’t sleep, eat and my friends keep telling me I’ve been very quiet since, I just feel a bit shattered. I’m so angry sometimes, then tearful the next. Always butterflies in stomach… which is the most horrible feeling. I remember this anxious feeling from a previous relationship which went badly wrong. It took me weeks to get rid of.

We were getting on great at the time so it’s very random. I have a small feeling of remorse for her, as she is quite easily influenced, by her friends and others into doing things you would not expect her to do. She has never taken drugs before, however she has previously slept with people the night she met them(before she met me)
I was convinced she was ‘the one’. I had a huge amount of trust in her and thought she would never cheat on me. We were madly in love and had just got home from a wonderful week in Prague. She still says she loves me and that it was the worst mistake she has ever made, but I’m not sure what to think.

Firstly, she was on coke, which I believe has a sobering effect, and secondly going home with a group of lads in the first place suggests to me she intended to cheat on me, rather than it being accidental.

My first reaction was sending her home in a taxi as soon as she admitted to it. She called to see me the next day, I let her in but kept my distance while she was begging my forgiveness.

This is only my second girlfriend, the last one cheated on me in a similar show of faith, by going off with her ex at my 21st birthday, a few years ago. It wasn't as spectacular as this time around as she only kissed him, however being my first love I was even more hurt then than I was this time around.

But anyway, back to the point, should I forgive her, or look for a faithful girlfriend?

Also, how should I approach my old ‘friend’. Not a fan of violence but not afraid to use it when required.. I suspect he was also largely at fault, possibly taking advantage of her.

He’s not the most moral of individuals, I suppose my character description might be somewhat bias, but I’ll continue anyway; he’s big into drugs, owes many people money, including me. Has ripped off a married couple with a 25k insurance claim over a false injury (all of which he has since spent on drugs and a car). He has cheated on his girlfriend before, and with girlfriends of his friends also. I’m pretty sure he is still with his girlfriend, so getting in contact with her might be my first port of call…

Thanks for reading

Mulan

I think you allready know what to do.

Coke, going away with a bunch of lads, slept with 1??? Ya!,ex friends,one night stander, .................and on........and on.

If you want to have a **** life then forgive her and carry on regardless.

The other option looks alot better to me.

markesmith

Hey mate, first off I'm sorry to hear about that, must have been a shock to you.

Now, my advice, and this is based on what *I'd* do, so you're likely to hear lots of other opinions.

I'd dump her. The trust is gone when someone in a relationship cheats. I'd dump her and cut all contact. She didn't tell you, you had to find out off of someone else. Poor form on her part. Will you be able to trust her in future?

Also, I'd probably anonymously 'name & shame' your ex-mate as a false insurance handout recipient, if that was possible. Just something to really get him back for doing it.

Either that, or I'd just stay away from him. He's not worth it.

Balmed Out

Dump her and be glad to have seen her as she really is. If you have enough respect for yourself and others and dont go around cheating then u should expect a girlfriend who is as good. You deserve better. I dont want to upset you but she seems a bit of a tit anyhow if shes so easily led. You come across as being far smarter, more responsible and to put it bluntly capable and deserving of someone far better.
Id forget about yourman and cut him and whoever else was there out of my life.
Good luck

Redpunto

Short answer is no, Dont forgive her and send her packing. You will never be able to get that trust back again and if she truly loved you she wouldnt have done it no matter what influences she was under. True love is not that.

kittenkiller

Christ, that sounds so horrible!

One question is, do you *want* to be with her, to be able to forgive her?
Because if you don't and only want to keep her close to remind her of what a terrible person she is, then obviously dump and run!

If you do feel that you love her and that she's genuinely sorry for hurting you and that she regrets sleeping with someone else (as opposed to just regretting you finding out) then maybe you might be able to forgive her.

It's so horrible to feel that the person you trust has betrayed you, but at least in this instance it wasn't just temptation that led her astray. Having taken drugs that she wasn't used to maybe she wasn't acting like herself?
You also need to check that she's sure that she wouldn't do it again, knowing how much it hurt you.

If you do love her, i think it's well worth sitting down to discuss things once you've composed yourself enough to do so. Give yourself anything from a week to a month.

You're ex-firend'll get his without you getting yourself into trouble, don't worry about him! Not worth getting yourself into trouble over.

All the best, you've got to be in pieces over all this.

Tobias Greeshman

Sorry to hear about this mate. I never understand how anyone in a loving relationship can go and do that to their partner. I wouldn't let her away with the whole "oh I'm so easily led" line, that crap in my book she has a head on her shoulders and she should be well capable of using it for herself.

I think you should do yourself a favor and give yourself the respect you deserve and dump this girl. The trust will take a very long time to get back, if ever. Every fight you have will still come back to this, you ending up resenting her for this.

Sorry to hear you've a bad experience with women, being cheated on twice. Don't let this tar your opinion of women. I can't speak for everyone, but the majority I've come across aren't the cheaters.

bren2002

Ditch her.

Drug user and cheater. You don't want to be there.

sunnyjim

Also, how should I approach my old ‘friend’. Not a fan of violence but not afraid to use it when required.. I suspect he was also largely at fault, possibly taking advantage of her.

He’s not the most moral of individuals, I suppose my character description might be somewhat bias, but I’ll continue anyway; he’s big into drugs, owes many people money, including me. Has ripped off a married couple with a 25k insurance claim over a false injury (all of which he has since spent on drugs and a car). He has cheated on his girlfriend before, and with girlfriends of his friends also. I’m pretty sure he is still with his girlfriend, so getting in contact with her might be my first port of call…

Mate, he sounds like scum. Leave him be, in time he'll be sorted out by other scum. Just leave him, and her, and move on.

PS. OP, I don't know how I'd react in your position, I feel terrible for ya though.

Balmed Out

You might also want to check for std's or sti's, whatever they call them these days. As she didnt actually tell you herself you cant really be sure this is the first time and she was just unlucky to have got caught. I say again though, ditch her. Your better then she is.

DerKaiser

Take the moral high ground, dump the bitch, and don't step on anybodies toes, that way you'll always know you never did anything wrong and these pigs can fester in their ****.

You'll meet somebody worth it very soon I promise man, keep the faith

axer

anonguest2 wrote: »

But anyway, back to the point, should I forgive her, or look for a faithful girlfriend?

That is your call. Do not continue in the relationship if you cannot trust her as it will not just get better.

anonguest2 wrote: »

Also, how should I approach my old ‘friend’. Not a fan of violence but not afraid to use it when required.. I suspect he was also largely at fault, possibly taking advantage of her.

He may have slept with her but she also *chose* to sleep with him unless he raped her which does not seem to be the case. Even though he was a cúnt to do what he did there is no point taking this up with him as it will get you nowhere and remember she *chose* to sleep with him - he did not force her.

anonguest2 wrote: »

I’m pretty sure he is still with his girlfriend, so getting in contact with her might be my first port of call…

I would recommend you not contact that guys girlfriend. There is no point. You want to hurt him like he hurt you but remember he did not force your girlfriend to sleep with him she *chose* to do so.

Make your decision and move on with your life.

chuci

imo id dump you girlfriend im sorry once a cheater always a cheater. but then she isn't my girlfriend if you love her maybe you can forgive her maybe you want to. but you will never be able to trust her again. take the moral high ground and leave. as for your ex friend karma will sort him out wouldn't touch him with a ten foot barge pole. get yourself tested for sti too just in case, better safe than sorry. mind yourself pet.

Wibbs

Drugs drink or not, there was a sequence of events that had to happen for her to end up sleeping with this guy. At any one of these points right up to actual intercourse she could have stopped herself. She didn't. If it was that easy to have sex "by mistake" I would be a happier man I can tell you.

Any excuse she gives you now is just that, an excuse. She knew what she was doing and wanted to do it at the time. You finding out put her in the position of having to justify her actions. Thems the facts.

Now after the fact comes the why. Why did she do it? Was it horniness or have you had issues as a couple? These things very rarely "just happen". The only time they may just happen is if she's actually a loopjob. Do not fall into the trap many guys do and say "she's easily influenced". Unless shes mentally deficient this is BS. In any case, why would anyone want to be with someone that idiotic?

Now people can recover from this if they both work at it. Work through it and try to find the reasons for t happening. Even if that reason was just simple horniness.

Personally I would walk away so fast as she has proved her loyalty or lack of it.

SarahSassy

Also, she didnt tell you. She didnt have the nerve to admit what she had done and you found out from someone else.. She thought she had gotten away with it. Let her off... She has messed you around very cruelly... The two of them deserve each other. I would move on without both of them. Good luck ot you.

Taco Corp

anonguest2 wrote: »

We were madly in love and....

Past tense. Maybe you already know the answer to your question?

Precociousg

Firstly, my apologies man, this is a terrible situation this girl has put you in! I think you need to ask yourself one question, even if you do love this girl, and thats "Can i ever truely trust her again?" If you can't, then its only a matter of time before this realtionship inevitably collapses. My opinion, for what its worth, is that you should cut your losses with her now, she treated you like sh1t and if shes the kinda girl whose gonna go home with a group of guys and take drugs, it doesnt reflect well on her. The only positive thing is at least it happened before ye were married and maybe had kids, when it would be harder to get out!

anonguest2

Shes not a regular drug user. This was her first time ever taking the stuff. And she hasn't done anything else either, that includes weed.

She works with mentally disabled children, is/was a very nice person. Would do anything for anybody, and always put herself out for me. She never complained about anything. When shes really drunk its a different story though, sometimes shes a monster. Although i have been in much worse states where she has looked after me. Wasn't with her to steer her out of trouble this time around :-( Damn work...

Also, she was so nice all this time, almost too much so, and never treated me like ****. It's just so wierd, and totally out of character. I don't know why she did it, and i don't think she knows either.

Shes been ringing me every 10 minutes since this all happened. I haven't answered once.

One of the major issues in our relationship is that i live in the UK, and shes at home. I see her every 2 weeks and use all my holidays to see her, and we have managed well for the past 5 months i have been away. We were talking about her coming out for the summer, but shes thrown everything away..

I really thought i was in it for the long run with this girl. I don't know if i can continue with a girl i know who has cheated with me. Anyone tried it? I really loved her, just thinking about her when im away used to get me all emotional. Now all i have been thinking about is him and her.. in bed together. Its disgusting. Anyone managed to deal with a situation like this? Or know any? I have a mate, whoes longterm girlfriend went off with another bloke for a few months, then came back to him, and they are happy now as far as i can see.

TerrorFirmer

I know already you've been subject to a barrage of advice all aligning themselves to a single opinion but if you really felt that way, you wouldn't have asked in the first place. It's easy to take the high ground and give out advice when you're simply presented with a random scenario; it's not so easy when you're the person in said situation trying to deal with both it and all the emotions it's churned up all over the place.

In answer to your question, no, you shouldn't forgive her so readily - but that doesn't mean it has to be the end of you. I'm not saying either to just forget about it, but if she's worth it - and believe me, despite what's happened, she could easily be - only you can decide that. Cheating is, unfortunately, a recurring problem in general relationship culture, and it's not quite as isolated or perpetrated solely by nameless, faceless 'bastards' and 'bitches' as is often made out here. Cheaters are just normal people; I'm sure there are an incountable amount of people who have read this thread who have both cheated and been cheated on. It doesn't necessarily mean they're inherently bad people. We all have our vices and weaknesses. Maybe some people have been lucky enough to escape such unfortunate events, or maybe they're 'lucky' enough to have never experienced the complexities of serious relationships....but you, even at this early stage, and me both know that cheating isn't necessarily the end, regardless of how bad the consequences.

If you feel dumping her is the only feasible option, then that's entirely up to you, no-one can truly give you a definitive answer, it's all opinion and no-one here knows this girl - only you. Don't be so afraid to give things a chance, you could look back on this in a few years time and consider it a mistake on your part, and trust me when I say that's not quite as much a stretch as you might imagine. Life is short...

Good luck.

She Devil

Wow .. arent you a lucky guy to get such a lucky escape!!!
Dont start looking back on the good times now, remember what she did and under what circumstances and walk away.
Nobody is happy in those circumstances, you will always wonder what if .. never full have trust back there, will stop her doing what she wants withher friends etc in fear of ending up at a house party again AND you will always wonder why did she feel the need to do that, you will blame yourself and you will be a doormat and feel like one!!!
Walk away with your pride and trust me you will find a girl worthy of your love.

LegacyUser

Hey mate, I never like talking about what happened me but you obviously need some advice.

I had a situation massivley similar to yours a couple of years ago. My girlfreind went with her mates to stay with a couple of other mates (male), and ended up cheating on me with one of them while heavily drunk. She didnt sleep with him (as far as I know, but bout 99.999% positive at this stage), but it still feels like the worst feeling in the world. I didnt find out for a couple of months, when the guy it happened with told the story to a good friend of mine while drunk one night.

So he told her to tell me or else he would, and I was there when she got the phone call from him and she just collapsed in a heap and started roaring crying. She told me she cheated on me and I went nuts, kicking walls, etc, the kinda thing you'd expect really. We'd been together about a year and a half at that stage and I was crazy about her, and she felt the same. We'd just been on hols in spain that summer and everything seemed so perfect.

I'm usually a very angry person when it comes to these kinda things, but I managed to pull myself together after a chat with a mate, and went out to her house to find her with her friends, inconsolable. We ended up talking for hours and hours about what happened, but I still couldnt forgive her. We talked about it for about a week, and I gradually found out what happened.

I eventually forgave her but stil couldnt stop thinking about them together. This went on for months, and we stayed together, had a couple of bad fights about it.

We were going through a bit of a rough patch when it happened, and she was also super drunk (which I know is not an excuse, but more than likely contributed some way). I love the girl to bits, and I know she loves me to bits and when it comes down to it everyone makes a mistake. If it takes something like that to happen to make a relationship stronger, and perfect, then tough, **** happens.

I got over it, its in the past, it can never be changed now, all thats left to shape is the future, and I plan on spending the rest of my life with this girl, and I know 100% she feels the same, and would never do anything to hurt me again.

So mate seriously, give her a chance. One chance. EVERYONE makes ****ty mistakes, maybe you will someday too, who knows?

Sorry for the long post but I hope this helped.

Marksie

I think the above post is excellent OP as it comes from a similar situation.
THere is a saying alomg the lines about forgiving beinh human and then forgetting that you fogave being divine.

In the end you will find two general sets of advice, dump her and walk or forgive her.
Both aren't as simple as they initially sound.

We don't know your exact circumstances nor the depths of your feelings for her, or hers for you.

What happened has to be explored fully between you before you knee jerk a reaction one way or another.

But can you forgive her?
can you both move past this without it hanging between you?
Can she forgive herself?
Do you both want to?

Only you can determine the answers to the above, once you have those then the choice will become clearer

Drummerboy2

Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what she is up to. You found this out by chance. How do you know that she doesn't cheat on your everytime she is out without you. IMHO, if you stay with her, you are putting yourself through years of mental torture. You are still young enough to find someone honest.

LegacyUser

Hey,

I think really, it will be down to the type of person that you are, and whether you believe she is genuinely remorseful,
Someone said the post above was very good because it came from a similar situation. My story too is from a similar situation, but it went the other way.

There was no sex involved, but incidents which equally betrayed my trust. A sexual encounter wouldn't have been any more damaging.

Two years ago, my girlfriend wanted to get back with her ex (a confirmed alcoholic, and woman beater!) after he tried a series of stunts. She said she didn't actually love me, but loved him, and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, to do the whole family thing and buy a house and live with him. This really cut me up, in quite a bad way and I got very sick because of it.

After a while, she came to me and said she was sorry, and that she was wrong, and that she wanted to be with me, not him. At the time I was overjoyed and pretty blinded by emotion that the girl of my dreams wanted me back, so I said ok, and gave her another chance.

Two years on, and it was the worst mistake I ever made. She did the same thing again, a few months later, and I gave her "One last chance". I never regained that trust that was initially lost, and even though I love her, and I truly believe she loves me, I can't spend the rest of my life with her, I can't relax and be comfortable, I can't be in love.

It's been on and off for the last few months, I know that I have my own unique problems in this scenario (one solution would be to grow a spine!)

Ultimately, like I said at the beginning, its up to you. If you love, and can forgive her (It will take time thought), and you belive that she is really sorry, and really loves you, then you can work through it. There will be plenty more bumbs along the road of your relationship anyway. This might jsut be one of many

If on the other hand you don't think you can get over it, I'd leave now, for both your sakes.
I was mistaken, and I've ended up holding a grudge against my "girlfriend" for far too long. Now its just a super super mess.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, I'm in work and its hard to write privatly

Best of Luck

dlofnep

No, don't forgive her. Cut her loose. She deserves nothing from you.

af_thefragile

Ditch her and then forgive her.
You won't move on till you don't forgive her.

And Oscar Wilde said "always forgive your enimies, nothing annoys them more!"

Beaucoupfish

Tell her to sling her hook. You'll get over it.

valleyoftheunos

Forget her, move on.

She has clearly lost your trust and judging from your post she'll never get it back. She knowingly went back with that group of lads, most likely full aware that coke would be on offer. she had made her decision at that point.

You're still young, get out there, she's not ready to commit to a realtionship.

Break up with her and let your friends and family know why.