Whats up with me?

LegacyUser

I am a 47 year old bloke, married to a good woman, 3 lovely kids, very good job, nice house etc. I should be really happy with my lot, but I'm not.
A couple of months ago I woke up in the middle of the night, I looked across at my wife and asked myself if I still loved her the way I did 20 years ago. The answer was no. I still have feelings for her but not with the same intensity.
More recently a female colleague made it clear she was interested in being more than just a friend. I made it equally clear that she was just a friend/colleague and that would be all - ever. TBH I really wanted to go off with her but knew it to be a f***ing lousy thing to do. I find myself looking at other women and wondering if life would be better with them. I have not been with another woman in the twenty five years I have known my wife.
My wife is a good person. She can be difficult to live with. She can be good to live with. The sexual side of our life has cooled down. She just seems to prefer a mug of hot chocolate. I am still the same horny dog I was at 25.
One part of me tells me to just 'settle down' - its mid life crisis or something. The other part tells me that I am being unfair to my wife AND to me by just prolonging the situation.
My wife knows there is something wrong but I cant even begin to talk to her.
Does everyone get a touch of this in their 40's? Does it go away?
I went to a counsellor for advice, he listened but gave no advice! His only comment being that I was 'ripe for an affair'. I didnt bother going back.

Quality

Why dont you discuss this with your wife.

There is more to a relationship than just the physical side, You should try and get a little break away together to rekindle the flame.

Its like everything in life, you have to work at things to make them good, Dont just throw your marraige away for the sake of sex..

LegacyUser

In the same way as everyone has doubts before they get married, it's inevitable that you'll have doubts afterwards too.
You have to look at your values in life to see if you want to stay married and what sort of marriage you want to have. You also need to look at the devastation that would be caused by a break up, if you do really want to leave.
You do need to discuss your feelings with your wife. She mmight be in the dark about them. Get away for a wwkend or whatever, do something new, schedule some time just for yourselves. Above all, talk.

r3nu4l

First off, congrats for not straying when you had the chance. Big thums-up there from me!

Secondly, the counsellor...WTF? Good job you never went back. Although, it does take time to find the right counsellor and the best will sometimes tell you openly after one or two sessions that they are not the right person for you. Counselling is one of those things that requires both people to be attuned to one another in some respects, to feel they can work together.

Thirdly, you can't talk to your wife, I'm guessing that's because you feel she will be devastated? I'm pretty sure that right now she feels confused and asking you if you still loved her might have been her way to get you to open up.

Is there any way you can pack off the kids for a 'holiday' with a relative for a night or two? You could chat to your wife about how you feel. There's no need to say you don't love her the way you used to. Just tell her you're feeling very lost right now. Don't start talking about the lack of sex first! Leave that until later, it's a small part of a bigger issue. Ask her does she feel the same about you as she did 25 years ago! Ask her if she thinks the relationship has gotten weaker? Ask her if she is happy?

Obviously sex is an issue for you, talk with your wife, avoid accusatory tones such as "You're never up for it!", instead say that you would like more sex but you think that she doesn't feel the same. Ask her if there's a specific reason for that or if there's anything you can do to make things better for her.

The bottom line is that you two need to talk! On the flip side, if your life revolves around work, dinner, kids to bed, watch TV, go to bed yourself, wash, rinse and repeat...then you need to change that.

The evening are longer now, after dinner, take your wife and kids out for a walk. Let them run on ahead and walk hand-in-hand with your wife. Enjoy some chit-chat. Get a baby-sitter in at the weekend, go for dinner and a movie. Ask her about her day, engage with her again and you may find you really do love her as much after all

If all else fails try couples counselling.

Gurgle

Family Guy08 wrote: »

I find myself looking at other women and wondering if life would be better with them.

No, it wouldn't.
Not for you, you seem to have that inconvenient condition that affects around 20% of men - a conscience.

You & Mrs Guy08 need a week to yourselves, as far from home, kids, bills and responsibilities as possible.