Jealous boyfriend

headwrecked

hi,just wonderin if anyone has advice on this.been with my boyfriend for 7 months.when we were first together i got the odd text from exboyfriends-nothing major just sayin helllo.but he didnt like it at all.so i changed my number.youd think the issues would stop there but nooo!if male friends mail me on bebo-i get grilled.my phone regularly gets checked.we seen a mutual male friend yesterday while out shopping and bout 5 mins later im accused of having slept with him before.now today i find out hes going thru my emails.i do love him i just wish he would trust me.i have a daughter and shes really attached to him.my family and friends love him-and are all so happy that ive finally found a "good" man.in every other way hes perfect.

johny28

That could be a sign of possessiveness and being in love...

I found honest objective dialogue works the best in those situaitons...

And will take sometime for him to learn to trust you..

I hope this helped

Abi

headwrecked wrote: »

hi,just wonderin if anyone has advice on this.been with my boyfriend for 7 months.when we were first together i got the odd text from exboyfriends-nothing major just sayin helllo.but he didnt like it at all.so i changed my number.youd think the issues would stop there but nooo!if male friends mail me on bebo-i get grilled.my phone regularly gets checked.we seen a mutual male friend yesterday while out shopping and bout 5 mins later im accused of having slept with him before.now today i find out hes going thru my emails.i do love him i just wish he would trust me.i have a daughter and shes really attached to him.my family and friends love him-and are all so happy that ive finally found a "good" man.in every other way hes perfect.

I dont mean to sound patronizing, but you sound quite young, and quite possibly himself too. Your are entitled to be in touch with others, so long as that is as far as it goes, and you are honest with yourself.

We cant assume to know you or him. I dont know how it came about that he was reading YOUR texts and emails, but it is wrong. Is there anything specific that he is going on about in these texts? He seems hell bent on pinning something on you. I'd like to say it sounds like crossed wires, but he is going to extremes here.

headwrecked

im 29,we met at an a.a meeting so were both a bit emotionally damaged.my problem is hes a great bloke in every other way.i just dont know i can live with someone whos so possessive.then theres also the fear of been left on the dreaded shelf.i hav spoken to him about this a good few times and he nearly always turns it back on me.i have never cheated on him,i wouldnt have the time,inclination or the energy.i get up go to work and come home to him.i used to be fairly outgoing but all that fizzled away,cos i just wanted to be with him.he also gets on great with my daughter so im reluctant to just end it.

headwrecked

headwrecked wrote:

my phone regularly gets checked.

This is not acceptable behaviour from anyone, nevermind your boyfriend.
I understand you're reluctant to just end it, but you need to at least set some boundaries and realise that his issues are his, and no amount of interrogating you is going to make him stop.
Don't let him turn it back on you; tell him this behaviour is simply not acceptable and that's that. Don't start trying to justify yourself anymore because it won't help and he won't stop just from that.

Seth Brundle

He sounds quite immature and very possessive.
How does he know who texts you or contacts you via bebo? Does he look without your permission? If so dump him! If he looks for permission, then dump him because he shouldn't be asking!
If he wants an adult relationship, then he should start acting like one!

The Sweeper

Headwrecked: this isn't right.

No no no no no no no no no no no no.

If it takes someone some time to trust you, that's fine. That's absolutely fine. As long as they put up and shut up and GIVE themselves that time.

He's got no right to isolate you from friends or ex-partners or random blokes who speak to you, he's got no right to check your messages and he's got no right to read your emails.

He might say "Well if you've nothing to hide, it shouldn't bother you" - well yes, actually, it should. Dating someone doesn't give you the right to bulldoze your way into their personal space.

So what if you DID sleep with someone in a past life before you met your current boyfriend? Who cares? What's wrong with that? So what if you see that person in the street and say hello to them? What does it matter?

Understand this: when someone is so possessive, so controlling and so jealous that they strip you of all action that you perform independently, that person isn't good for you - especially not if you're a once-and-future-alcoholic. (Recovering, you say? You won't be if you stay with someone like this - you need trust and stability, not drama and paranoia.)

And however well your daughter gets on with him now, do you REALLY think she'll thank you in the future if he starts turning his controlling ways on her? Do you think she'll get to her teens and say "Thanks, mom, for choosing a father figure who had to control every single aspect of my being"? Worse still - he's not her real dad, so he didn't even HAVE to be in her life - you PICKED him to be in her life.

Stop looking at your fears of being left on the shelf and start looking at the reality - you've backed a non-runner. You've picked another recovering alcoholic that you met at an AA meeting and who is possessive, jealous and controlling. You've selected him to be your partner, and worse still, you've picked him to be in your child's life.

You are responsible for your own life. You're already battling alcoholism.

Don't make it even more difficult by staying with this man, so you've got a war on two fronts - your own substance dependency and your personal life.

Abi

Good stuff there MAJD. Very solid advice. You put a lot of thought into that.

The hardest thing to do sometimes is to break away from something, to what seems like nothing. Going it alone is the first step towards something that is right for you. But you have to be ready, that is the bottom line.

Miss Fluff

headwrecked wrote: »

i used to be fairly outgoing but all that fizzled away,cos i just wanted to be with him.he also gets on great with my daughter so im reluctant to just end it.

OP I think you know the answer to this already. This guy is a control freak and this type of behaviour that he is displaying will only get worse, way worse. You will not be left on the shelf ffs and regardless of how well he gets on with your daughter now this will only cause hurt and distruction in the long run. Going by his behaviour to date I should imagine cutting loose will not be that easy either so make sure you have plenty of family and friends to rally around with support when it is needed. If in recovery you really need to be with someone who has your back, this guy doesn't, he wants to own, control and ultimately wear you down. Get out while you still have the balls and strength to do so.

Talliesin

johny28 wrote: »

That could be a sign of possessiveness and being in love...

BS. Many of us manage to be in love and yet to have healthy relationships.

WindSock

johny28 wrote: »

I found honest objective dialogue works the best in those situaitons...

I tried that before with an ex and my head got melted. You can't reason with paranoia unless you give him an ultimatum. I told him to stop going through my personals and accusing me of things or I'd walk.

Man am I glad to be out of that mess.

LegacyUser

headwrecked wrote: »

hi,just wonderin if anyone has advice on this.been with my boyfriend for 7 months.when we were first together i got the odd text from exboyfriends-nothing major just sayin helllo.but he didnt like it at all.so i changed my number.youd think the issues would stop there but nooo!if male friends mail me on bebo-i get grilled.my phone regularly gets checked.we seen a mutual male friend yesterday while out shopping and bout 5 mins later im accused of having slept with him before.now today i find out hes going thru my emails.i do love him i just wish he would trust me.i have a daughter and shes really attached to him.my family and friends love him-and are all so happy that ive finally found a "good" man.in every other way hes perfect.

Clearly he carries some insecurities. Have you tried to ask him about that? For instance my friend is an orphan and it has a lot to do with his attitude toward people: always expecting to be screwed over. Maybe theres an ex-gf that cheated on him, or even something that happened in his childhood at fault. Maybe one of his parents cheated for example. You wouldn't think that has an impact on someone, but it does a bit.

LegacyUser

Seriously, that sort of control freak behavior for a guy or girl - trying to cut you off from friends, controlling who you are contacting with, checking your phone - is basically one of the major warning signs of an abusive personality. It will likely escalate. Get out now.

John Mason

seriously, have been there and done that. Get out of the relationship now. anyone who is that controlling will destory you and most likely cheat on you

Maggie Simpson

Get out get out get out.

I can't put it any clearer than that. I spent 2 years with a jealous boyfriend which ended with me in hospital with a broken nose and a cracked rib. For the sake of you and your daughter - end it now.

Wagon

He sounds like a a pain in the ass. Tell him to grow up or you're going to leave him. I can get a little clingy to women myself but going through someone's phone or bebo is a bit like an over possessive parent checking up on a child.

Davei141

so i changed my number.

This was at the start! major warning sign. and the fact he asked and you did it will only encourage him further to be like this. Stand up for yourself and tell him where to go the next time he makes a demand that is ridiculous.

johny28

Talliesin wrote: »

BS. Many of us manage to be in love and yet to have healthy relationships.

And that is the point! many of us do manage that and others do not/cannot manage that!