Should I tell her?

LegacyUser

Im with my partner a few years now and recently met a girl through a friend. My relationship has been going through a really bad patch but im willing to stick it out. We live together and all.
Anyway a few weeks ago, we were all out and i ended up snogging this girl.
About a week later we were out again and things got a bit more heated. Since this we've talked and we've called it a day on everything.
Should i tell my partner? i dont want to ruin what we have and i know if i tell the trust will understandibly be gone and i dont think i can put my partner through that-yes i shouldve thought about that before.
Or should i just put this in the past and focus everything on making this relationship work?

Silverfish

Yes.

I'd much rather know. I'd hate to waste my time going out with who someone was pretending to be, rather than who they actually are.

I'd rather be free to find someone who liked me enough not to cheat, rather than someone who only liked me enough to pretend they didn't cheat.

If you like someone enough to be in a relationship with them, you don't cheat on them. Simple as. If you do end up cheating, you need to take a look at your real feelings for them.

You have all the facts.... you cheated on her, twice. You made a decision after that, that you would like to stick with the relationship. She should also have all the facts, and be allowed make the decision as well.


You might be surprised.

Also, better she hears it from you, its not like you cheated with someone totally unconnected, you met the girl through your friends. What happens if some night you're all out and your friend lets it slip? Or this girl is there? That will be far, far worse, and less forgivable. If you go to her and tell her yourself, it'll go a long way towards her regaining trust in you again, because then she only has to deal with the cheating, not the cheating AND you lying about it.

chuci

can you live with the guilt of what you have done. will the same thing happen again if your relationship is going to go through another rocky patch just with someone different? i cant stand people cheating it just gets me so annoyed. you kissed someone first realised it was wrong but you consciously decided the next time you met up with this girl that more was going to happen and you let. now that things are all hunky dory at home your happy to stay with this person.be fair to your partner tell them what happened and i hope you get what you deserve.

Wagon

This is a difficult one. If you will never do it again and work on getting things sorted with your partner then keep your mouth closed. It would more than likely happen now then in the future IF things were sorted as you're subconsciously looking for that thing you are missing with your partner. Just make sure you don't do it again.

Good luck.

Bottle_of_Smoke

My relationship has been going through a really bad patch but im willing to stick it out. We live together and all.

i dont think i can put my partner through that

You sure you actually want this girl, or just feel you have to stay with her?

If you snogged someone else there's bound to be the temptation to do it again.

Anyway assuming it was just a once off, if you're reasonably sure it won't get back to her, stay quiet. If you didn't feel guilty enough after the first time to never go back to the new girl your conscience should be fine.

LegacyUser

I love this girl, i fought tooth and nail for her, and got her through so much. At th moment there are so many life pressure on both her an me, we've move, ive changed jobs, shes got interviews and work based exams coming up and we barely see eachother so its been so hard on us both.
This is no excuse though.
That other girl is so far from the type of girl i like and i dont find her attractive, i think i convinced myself that i did because she showed interest in me.
I've been in tears all weekend thinking about this and losing her, and i want to put everything in me into making us work because we're good together.
I just dont know what to do regards telling her.

Thank you for your replies

Auldloon

There is nothing to be gained by telling her unless your afraid she will hear from someone else then possibly damage limitation.
You screwed up, it happens.
If this kind of thing happens again thats a different story .

Toots

It's going to be tough no matter what you do; if you tell her you'll have to deal with the aftermath of that and the possibility that she may decide to call time on your relationship. If you don't tell her, you'll have to live with the guilt on your own. In this instance there's also the chance that she may find out through your friends, which as Silverfish said will make things a lot worse. And even if your friends don't let slip, you'll also have to live with the constant fear that someday one of them will mention it by accident, perhaps months or even years down the line.

If I were you in this situation, I'd probably tell her. If it were a one night thing with some total randomer that you'd never see or hear from again, it'd be a different story, but seeing as there's a good chance she may find out from a third party, it's better she hears it from you. Yes, it will likely be very painful and unpleasant, but this way there's a better chance that you can try and salvage your relationship.

BTW when you say things 'got more heated' do you mean that you actually had intercourse with this other girl, or just fooled around a bit? You may need to consider getting an sti check too, and if this is the case, make sure that you don't do anything with your GF that would risk passing anything on to her.

ellebelle

HI,
Just read your post there.

This is something that regardless of what happened you need to draw a line under and move on. Nothing in this life is black and white its full of grey areas. The sooner everyone comes to terms with the fact that relationships take a LOT of hard work the better.

Your guilt is something you need to deal with and then put it away and move on. Telling your girlfriend about any kissing or fumbling with this other girl is going to destroy her and she will never completely trust you again. I've been on the receiving end and as horrible as it was there is some part of me that knows the fact that i know it happened is worse than the fact it happended. That might seem clear as mud and not make sense but its just how it is. I'm not the bury my head in the sand type but him unloading to me about his guilt was only an effort make himself feel better and cope with it. Our relationship ended but it was on the road there anyway but now any memory is tinged with his 'cheating'.......

If you really want this relationship - work at it and move on. Otherwise this will serve as a wake up call to finding out if you really really want it. Its natural to hold on to whats familiar in case of losing it but ...... that does not mean to say its not time to let go.

Hope it works out for you and whatever is the outcome BUT DO NOT TELL HER.

AckwelFoley

If you want this issue hanging over your relationship forever, yes tell her.

Otherwise i wouldnt, my experience has made me come to the conclusion that its best not let these things come out

However i personally think you will cheat again - you do it once, you will do it again, its not a judgement of you, just what i believe. I think you need to sort it out in your head first and ask yourself why you "cheated" And only then will you be able to rest.

otwb

Telling your girlfriend about any kissing or fumbling with this other girl is going to destroy her and she will never completely trust you again. I've been on the receiving end and as horrible as it was there is some part of me that knows the fact that i know it happened is worse than the fact it happended.

Sorry, don't agree with this. If you tell your girlfriend then you have been honest and she has a choice to make. If you don't tell her then you are lying to her on an ongoing basis and she may find out the hard way... Better to be a cheat then a liar and a cheat.

She Devil

Yes Tell her and let her tell you what kind of weak guy you are!
Because no excuse is allowed for cheating on the girl you supposidly love. You betrayed the one person you are meant to cherish! Sorry i am not pussy footing around you and trying to make you feel better about yourself. BUT you have just become yet another guy who can't be trusted. Well done for bailing on your girlfriend when things got tough. Lets hope she did the same to you butty!
Now tell her and let her make the decision of whether she thinks ye should be over or not ... Thank god the other girl wasnt attractive ... would have had a diff outcome me thinks!