Just need to get this out of my head

LegacyUser

Ok, gonna go un-reg for this.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, i'm not looking for advice or anything as such, I just need to get this out of my head.

I had a party in my house on thursday night, with a load of my workmates. in the end there was just three of us left, me a girl and a fella. the girl was tired and lives a good bit away and was very tired at this stage so i let her have the spare bed. i'd said to the lad let's called him joe, that he was welcome to stay too if he wanted. i'd brought out the spare duvet for anyone that wanted to stay on the sofa. in my drunkenness i also said to him that he could sleep in my bed if he wanted cos i had the electric blanket on and it was lovely and warm. not meaning anything by it cos i've known him near 10 years and thought he knew i wasn't looking to be with him. i was in my pyjamas at this stage.

i said i was leaving him to it and went in to bed. a few minutes later i went back out to the sitting room to see if he was still there. basically because before going to sleep i wanted to know who was in my house. i said 'are you going home or what are you at?' he said 'that depends' and leaned over and started kissing me.

now i admit that i responded to this and i shouldn't have. i was drunk and horny and when he kissed me i kissed him back. we were kissing away but things started moving very fast, he unzipped my top started feeling and kissing my tits, unzipped his trousers etc. sorry if this is too much info, but i was kinda wanna place the scene. anyway this went on for a couple of minutes and i was just caught up in the moment, by this stage he was fingering me etc. then he said something that sobered me up, he said 'i'm gonna **** you this night' i sobered up pretty quickly and tried to push him off and i said 'joe stop this is not what i want' but he kept at it, and to be honest for a minute or two i thought he wasn't gonna stop , and that i wouldn't be able to get him off. i had to say 'no' and 'stop' a couple more times and actually physically push him off before he stopped.

i was actually genuinely scared. i told him to just get away from me and leave me alone. his response was something like 'oh you've come, and now that's you happy' as in i let him make me come and that was it. but i was a million years away from coming, i hadn't enjoyed it at all once i realised how dangerous the situation was. i was kind of pacing up and down and saying i ****ing didn't come now just leave me alone. i said i'm going to bed just leave me alone.

i went to bed and a few mins later went back out to see if he'd gone - i couldn't see him anywhere so thought he'd left. he must've been in the toiled then or something, cos about 8:30am he came in to my bedroom to say that he was going home, and after i said goodbye, he said can i not have another feel of your tits first. i gave a definite no and told him to go home.

now while i regretted that this whole thing had even happened i tried to put it out of my head since, and put it down to just drunken behaviour and bad judgement on my part. but i'm pretty mad at myself to be honest, cos i was sexually abused as a child and am a little bit messed up sexually, but now this has left me feeling even more vulnerable and confused and i know that drunk or otherwise i shouldn't have let it happen, i need to be more careful and not to be letting myself get into situations such as these.

anyway as i say i put it out of my head until yesterday evening. this guy joe was ringing me all evening and i wasn't answering. at one stage i sent a text just to ask him what did he want but he kept ringing. i wasn't answering cos i wanted to know what he wanted first, i was already mad at myself for letting it happen but i didn't want to be encouraging him anymore. anyway then there was a knock on my door and i knew it'd be him and i knew he'd know i was there cos the light was on i didn't answer.

about an hour later i rang him and asked him what he wanted. after giving out to me for not answring the door, he asked me had he done anything bad on me the other night. i said no just forget anything happened. basically his response was this, he said 'margaret i don't remember anything about thurs night but i keep getting flashbacks and i'm afraid i done something on you. i don't remember anything i drank a whole bottle of vodka by mysself, and when i went home the next day, my mother wouldn't even let me drive to work cos i was still drunk, and apparently i'd even been pissing on the stairs that's how bad i was. i hope i didn't do anything on you and i'm sorry if i did' i basically told him again to forget about it, he said 'well i obviously did do something to you then, listen i'm awful sorry' i said 'forget about it it takes two to tango after all (meaning that i shouldn't have even responded in the first place, or it wouldn't have gotten as far as it did) he said 'yeah but whatever i did please don't tell them at work, ffs i'd easily get the sack like' i was really surprised at him saying this cos i thought this suggested that he knew i'd had to fight him off and that this was what he was referring to. again i said forget it, i told him sorry for not answering the door earlier but i'd wanted to know what you wanted in case you were hassling me, and he hung up and we left it at this.

i am so bloody mad at myself though for letting that happen. i knew he was the type of guy who would be looking for sex and not just a snog. so i never should've responded. i know it was just cos i was drunk and horny but still i never shouldn've responded. i could leve it at at that but i just feel really vulnerable again. i've already enough problems with sex without getting myself in dodgy situations. i'm nervous about going into work later in case he's working. my head is just wrecked. i'm so mad at myself.

i just realised how long this was and i didn't mean for it to be that long. nobody needs to respond, like i said i just needed to get it out of my head. thanks for listening...

smiler26

Hey OP, I don't really have any huge advice, but I just wanted to say hope you're ok, and don't be too hard on yourself. You were drunk and it happened. I reckon he was equally drunk and like you said, he tried to push things. You did well to get out of the situation and push him off.

I'd say he woke up with a blurry feeling of remembering trying to force things, and feels desperate. You had a lucky escape, lesson learned and all that, but don't give yourself a hard time. I think something similar has happened to most people i.e. got drunk, did something you later regretted. I know it's happened to me!

ANyways, I'm sure things will sort themselves out. The very fact that he rang/called over etc makes me think that he has some sort of conscience and that it was out of character. Keep your distance, and move on as best you can.

Smiler x

Miss Fluff

Chalk it down to experience and try and avoid potentially dangerous situations like that again OP. You were drunk and horny and to all intents and purposes gave him the green light, when that drunk you are not in full possession of your faculties and thankfully you had enough lucidity to stop it leading to you being raped. While traumatic for you, just try and be more careful in furture. Did you ever receive counselling for the abuse? If not you should think about going and having some.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. I know what happened was my own fault, I gave him the go ahead and if I hadn't responded to him in the first place when he tried it on then it wouldn't have gotten that far, so I've no right to complain.

I guess i just have it being in a situation that is so frightening, leaving me feeling so vulnerable with someone, and reminding me so much of those same feelings I experienced when I was small.

i have definitely learned my lesson and will be more careful in future but i would be kinda wary about that as well. as it is because of the abuse that happened to me i'm not good with men, i'd say if a psychologist was to look at me they would say i've got a lot of defence mechanisms going on. but just whenever something like happened the other night happens and because i'm so busy trying to keep myself in future, i think stuff like that just adds to my defence mechanisms and makes it even harder again for me. if that makes sense.

and miss fluff ya i tried counselling twice. both for several months. never really worked out either time. first time was a good few years ago when i was bringing my abuser to court, and more recently was for the best part of 2006. i think the success (or not) of counselling is mostly down to getting lucky and getting a cousellor who is right for you, who you can connect with, who you can really trust. for me that was not the case with either of these counsellors. and i didn't just give that excuse when it was getting tough and give up. i realised that early on, esp with the second one, but really stuck it out. its **** hard counselling anyway. but i know there's a lot i need to sort out in my head, and can't realy explain it. so i think its worth giving it another go. to be honest if i thought it'd work, and that i was in the right place emotionally right now to give it another go i would but another thing is that i simply can't afford counselling at the minute as i bought a house recently and am still getting used to having a mortgage and can't afford the extra expense. and i know that a lot of the places have sliding scales where ya just give what u can afford, but to be honest what i can afford is sweet feck all, and even if they say that's ok i feel bad giving so little, so for the minute counselling is a bit of a no win situation.

smiler26

At the moment, someone very close to me is dealing with severe problems due to the fact she did not get help/counselling after a sexual attack when she needed it. As a result, many years later, she's now completely debilitated because of this trauma.

Rape Crisis Centre offer a free service, I strongly recommend that you try it out.... see what happens.

Smiler x

Nevyn

http://www.drcc.ie/services/index.htm

http://www.oneinfour.org/services/

Abi

This is extremely hard one to call. I think he was pushy to the point of scary, but I think it was a drink fuelled confidence on his part. He seemed to mistake what you were saying, then when you kind of gave in a little, he mistook it as some kind of go-ahead. The drink told him you were an 'I want it, but pretending other wise' and it turn out to be a car-crash of an event.

Put some serious space between you. That should be a sharp blow of reality for him. I dont doubt you, but be very careful in the future OP.

AckwelFoley

and after i said goodbye, he said can i not have another feel of your tits first

Sorry, that made me giggle - he sure is a classy guy.

First thing ive a little problem with is - if you knew him for so long and would be the one to want sex you really shouldnt be offering him a place in your bed - it does send out the wrong signels - for those guys that have a "one track mind"

Personally - no means no.. and if a woman ever said that to me id be so shy /embarressed that she wouldnt need to say it a second time. He did cross the line of acceptance - and you need to let him know that.

LegacyUser

snyper wrote: »

First thing ive a little problem with is - if you knew him for so long and would be the one to want sex you really shouldnt be offering him a place in your bed - it does send out the wrong signels - for those guys that have a "one track mind"

Snyper i couldn't agree more. tbh i can't believe how bloody stupid i was, and looking back it was such a come on. it genuinely wasn't how it meant, but i can see how he or anyone else could see it as otherwise. i was genuinely half joking when i said it. but even at that i shouldn't have responded to his advances. i guess i didn't mind a snog and maybe a little bit more, but in my drunken state i was just concentrating on enjoying having a snog i wasn't thinking about anything more. why i can't believe i was so stupid is because if somehow i hadn't been able to fight him off, i'd have been asking for it anyway cos i'd been with him, and cos i'd given him the go ahead. even though i'd said no it'd have been my own fault more or less, cos i'd letten things get that far. or so everyone else would think anyhow... lessons definitely learned all round, can't believe i was so stupid..

LegacyUser

smiler26 wrote: »

At the moment, someone very close to me is dealing with severe problems due to the fact she did not get help/counselling after a sexual attack when she needed it. As a result, many years later, she's now completely debilitated because of this trauma.

Rape Crisis Centre offer a free service, I strongly recommend that you try it out.... see what happens.

Smiler x

I'm sorry to hear that smiler. I hope things get better for your friend. what i hate is the way that people who have not been through it think that you can just get over it, but it is always there, and affects so much of ur life, and unfortunately its only when you've been through it that you can understand that.

re the rcc, thx for that, i didn't know they offered a free service, i thought it was also a sliding scale, am again going to check it out, thx to u all for ur advice and replies.

PeakOutput

right i might get slated for this but im going to say it anyway

while no does mean no i think that in this situation the drunk guy cant be looked down on too much seen as you had already let him finger you he wasnt trying to hav sex when you said no(from what i can make out) he was just carrying doin somthing you already let him do and probably thought **** i shouldnt of said that but she will forget about it in a sec.

tell him it was a mistake and will never happen again and your sorry for your part in it hell prob apologise too and imo that should be the end of it.

assuming you have dealt with your childhood issues counselling / rcc is way ott imo but do what you feel you need to

PeakOutput

even though i'd said no it'd have been my own fault more or less, cos i'd letten things get that far.

i wouldnt agree with that either person should be able to stop whenever they want without fear of having to fight someone of regardless of weather or not the person is bigger/stronger

Bethany

Look firstly you have to forgive yourself.......you made a mistake but there's no long term harm done and you've learnt your lesson. Also the guy sought you out and says he is very sorry.......both of you were foolish but now STOP beating yourself up. Drink a lot less and stay in control.
Nearly everyone has done something stupid at some stage, but if you don't accept your own frailty and forgive yourself ,you won't learn from it

How Strange

Bethany wrote: »

Look firstly you have to forgive yourself.......you made a mistake but there's no long term harm done and you've learnt your lesson. Also the guy sought you out and says he is very sorry.......both of you were foolish but now STOP beating yourself up. Drink a lot less and stay in control.
Nearly everyone has done something stupid at some stage, but if you don't accept your own frailty and forgive yourself ,you won't learn from it

I agree with this. Don't beat yourself up about it. It happened so just move on. But try to be more aware next time that no matter how innocent your intentions are that a drunk man may not interpret it that way. I think we've all gotten ourselves into similar trouble and regretted it at some stage.

Also, cut the chap a bit of slack. He knows he upset you otherwise he wouldn't be phoning you and calling around to your house.

UnregGirl

OP i just wanted to say I empathise with you about what happened in your past, having been through similar myself (i started a thread here the other day). I'm not in a position to give advice as I'm still trying to sort myself out, but do take onboard the sensible advice given here by others. As for what happened at the party, please don't beat yourself up over it. Best just learn from it and move on.

AngryBadger

Have to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what the problem is here?

You were BOTH drunk. Basically you drunkenly flirted with this guy, there was heavy petting, you decided you didn't want things to continue, and he stopped. Although he didn't stop imediately, but a minute or two after you'd said no.

Am I missing something here?

Seems to me you were drunk, he was drunk, you were both horny, and you blurred some lines that in your sober sense wouldn't have been blurred. What's the big deal? I don't really think either the OP or her friend did anything wrong here.

And why is everyone suddenly jumping on the rape bandwagon?!?!?!

Jigsaw

PeakOutput wrote: »

right i might get slated for this but im going to say it anyway

while no does mean no i think that in this situation the drunk guy cant be looked down on too much seen as you had already let him finger you he wasnt trying to hav sex when you said no(from what i can make out) he was just carrying doin somthing you already let him do and probably thought **** i shouldnt of said that but she will forget about it in a sec.

tell him it was a mistake and will never happen again and your sorry for your part in it hell prob apologise too and imo that should be the end of it.

assuming you have dealt with your childhood issues counselling / rcc is way ott imo but do what you feel you need to

Sense.

This sounds like it was an unfortunate incident which was drink fuelled, leading to a lack of clarity of thought. I agree no means no. But Jesus, you invite a guy into your bed, he attempts to kiss you, you reciprocate and it gets as far as a fingering. He then makes the statement that changes the mood. Now with the sexual abuse history perhaps this triggered something in you but I am assumed that the guy does not know about any of this. I'd say he was just trying a bit of dirty chat - plenty of girls like it. Then all of a sudden you are pushing him off and away. Put yourself in the guy's shoes for a minute.

You say that you had to say no a couple of times. What time period are we talking here? Did he only stop fingering you like 30 secs or 3 secs after you first said no? Obviously the longer this time period is the more culpable the guy in question is.

On the information supplied this is a unfortunate incident as far as I can see - nothing more.

And RCC my arse. If the OP has outstanding issues from previous sexual abuse then these issues ought to be addressed by a professional.

However, an answer to the time period question two paragraphs above would be most enlightening imo.