Trouble expressing anger

LegacyUser

I'll get right into it.

Growing up I've gone through many different styles of Anger Management. At first there was no anger management: I'd mouth off anything offensive in range. Then that became the nice guy approach but was always hampered by itself, because it makes you a target for bullying and I spent a lot of years with that. For a while, for example, I'd let bullying/problems travel around with me between home and school: When I was bullied at school I often came home and just shouted it off and so help anyone in the crossfire. But my dad came home often and did the exact same thing, and I carried that back to school or if I couldn't do that I sat on it.

In the last couple years I have landed back on being a nice guy that can roll with the punches and seems to be notorious for shedding it like it doesnt matter. And a lot of the time it doesnt: most of what you hear is trivial or sarcastic garbage that we all spout off at different points and is forgotten about a minute later.

Still I will ocassionally get myself backed into a corner where you get to your limit. At that stage I tend to toss light objects. And by light I mean light: I throw a glass or a squirt of water. One instance a single chip.
But I can see the problem with that and sadly one day it got very escalated with a girl I was having some personal issues with: she went ballistic and it spiraled downhill from there quickly. After more deepfelt words I didn't know how else to express myself but shove her.

So these are serious issues. I went to a few sessions of counselling immediately after that incident but that only really helped me identify why I was angry. It didnt help me with management.

I still have trouble venting safely. This time it was my flatmate. She just kept going at and at it with the same piece of shrapnel which I'm used to, but we were having a bit of a gathering so she had an audience of supporters who all found it to be amusing. I squirted water from a bottle at her and shortly left before it could escalate further.

But thats not helping my situation at all. I need help finding some new techniques because:

- I can't just let someone do what they want to me; in front of, or behind my back
- I need a way of getting them to back down that doesnt invite more of the same
- I don't want to fight fire with fire: whenever I do that I find soft spots in that persons armor I'm not even looking for and they either end up terribly hurt or very aggressive. Or both.

Also typing the post it occurs to me all this hostility is usually aimed at woman and I dont know why that is

Thanks for reading.

Marksie

you say when you were younger you went through "anger management". What that just yourself trying to cope with it? or did you go to professional anger management classes?

That is one possibility.

You have obviously given this a lot of thought and have highlighted a lot of issues you have observed in yourself. That is in itself an encouraging sign as it means you are aware and are loooking at what you do. Have you any idea what the root cause is?

You said you went to counselling, did that have benefit? Things like this are an ongoing process and it may seem like you are getting nowhere, but i do sense reading what you have said that you have examined your behaviour and are looking at the whys and the hows.
That is in itself an improvement.

Do you have any idea why it is mainly targetted at women? that they push your buttons? that you can effectively push theirs? that you cannot communicate effectively with them and get frustrated?

A lot of questions I know, but asking questions sometimes provokes thoughths that can lead to solutions

chuci

i know someone who had this problem obv you have to find the root of your anger for you to successfully get over this. but anyway the person carried around a piece of clay and a stress ball if things got heated take it out go to the bathroom take it out give it a squeeze if needs be bring it back into the room where there is conflict,. really helped calm this person down. good luck

LegacyUser

The Anger Management was for the most part just me. I had been to professional care before however: the first time after my parents divorce but that mostly diagnosed depression and threw ADs at the issue. That may have helped me mellow for a bit and think about it. A couple years later I went to one more counsellor which I think was attempting to identify some of the anger issues but I was pretty young at the time (about 11) and its was very hard for me to communicate any of this at that age. It didnt get very far, except later on I adopted a journal writing method for a while... until one of my parents found it: all that thing was filled with was hate. They never said anything to me about it but I was too worried to start a new one.

I dont know. I just get very defensive around women/girls. Im comfortable around them dont get me wrong but I'm still always a bit cautious at the same time. It especially happens when you're trying to be nice etc. and then they just seem to bite you in the ass. And not the good kind of biting you in the ass either.

The root of that right there might ( a cliche ) be the parents. My parents divorced after years of fighting and one final violent incident. I lived with my mam for a while and thats when I was on the ADs and such. But a couple years later I was expelled from school for fighting against a teacher ( in my eyes it was self defense but thats ancient history ). Rather than try to see it my way my mam threw in the towel and tossed me in with my dad who took to many years of yelling at me and earlier on hitting me so that I would learn to respect authority so he says. I was always backtalking and such, sure, but hardly the way to go about it. Later on he re-married and that kind of carry on stopped for the most part.

I guess the real source then lies with my mam. I'm still resentful toward her because she never makes the effort. I used to call and write a lot, but for years she'd never be bothered to get off her hole for me and for the most part still wont. Its only in the last couple years when I've shown the greatest improvement that she tries to use me as her Poster Boy every time I visit. I guess growing up I never had a really solid mother figure.

MsFifers

I really think you need to try the counselling again - there is no way you are going to get to the root of the problem and how to deal with it on an internet forum.

There are many counsellers - some good some not so good and I would recommend trying someone else if the first person wasn't helpful.

I think you should really do this as soon as possible because what happens if something REALLY fires you up - would you feel you could stop yourself from really hurting someone or worse? I've volunteered in a women's refuge and from their stories, it often seems like their guys violence crept up slowly on them - eg it started with just trying to control them verbally, and escalated into violence.

It seems from what you said that you want to control other people/women. I am also surprised by how much conflict seems to be an issue in your life - do you let trivial things spiral into big issues? Maybe something hurt you deeply in the past and your subconscious is trying to protect you by turning onto extreme anger as a pre-emptive defence now. In which case, you need to deal with that hurt/pain and give yourself the time to grieve and heal.

But thats probably enough with the pop psychology from me!

Its great that you recognise this as something you need to work on! Hope you can find someone who can help.

LegacyUser

MsFifers wrote:

I think you should really do this as soon as possible because what happens if something REALLY fires you up - would you feel you could stop yourself from really hurting someone or worse? I've volunteered in a women's refuge and from their stories, it often seems like their guys violence crept up slowly on them - eg it started with just trying to control them verbally, and escalated into violence.

It seems from what you said that you want to control other people/women. I am also surprised by how much conflict seems to be an issue in your life - do you let trivial things spiral into big issues? Maybe something hurt you deeply in the past and your subconscious is trying to protect you by turning onto extreme anger as a pre-emptive defence now. In which case, you need to deal with that hurt/pain and give yourself the time to grieve and heal.

I learned years ago I don't control anything. I don't think thats the issue. Its not trying to get someone to do something, its about being backed into a corner and having your buttons pressed; not about laundry or dishes. I've seen really frivolous arguments come out of nothing in the past so I don't think thats the case either. Besides you have to remember that when something seems to spiral out of nothing it very often has a lot more do with than what meets the eye: the small things can just act as the spark when two people are volatile enough with eachother.

It takes a lot of the same, to frustrate me. I think my patience levels are pretty high: which is why when someone wants to take the piss out of me I'll let them drive themselves bored.

Maybe something hurt you deeply in the past and your subconscious is trying to protect you by turning onto extreme anger as a pre-emptive defence now. In which case, you need to deal with that hurt/pain and give yourself the time to grieve and heal.

May very well be the case. See my above post.

JuliusCaesar

MuteRage wrote: »

- I can't just let someone do what they want to me; in front of, or behind my back
- I need a way of getting them to back down that doesnt invite more of the same
- I don't want to fight fire with fire: whenever I do that I find soft spots in that persons armor I'm not even looking for and they either end up terribly hurt or very aggressive. Or both.

Understanding the sources of your anger is one thing; dealing with it another. Have you tried reading up on /doing a course on either Anger Management or Assertiveness Training?

MsFifers

Wow - after what you went through with your parents - its no wonder you have problems with anger! It must have been tough.

I got the following advice from a counsellor once - it feels really stupid but I think it works. You have to process all those emotions you hold from your past. That means expressing your anger/grief/pain in a safe way.

Write letters (that you won't send) to your parents, telling them how they hurt you. Don't send them but notice the feelings that come up when you write them. Express that anger or sadness - punch pillows, have a cry, rip things up, go somewhere you can scream - just let it all out for about 15 mins.

Then - at the end of this - and this is the important bit - do a 'laugh' session. This means (fake) laughing for 2 or 3 mins. You need to do this or else all those negative emotions will be lingering in your mind. Fake laughing is as good for you as real laughing as it releases the same endorphins etc.

I know this sounds crazy, and you will feel like a looper, but it does work if you give it 100% You need to do this everyday for a few weeks! (I feel like a looper too having recommended this! )

LegacyUser

Thanks Fifers,

I did sort of try that once; it came out of its own accord when I wrote into the journal. But again for me I guess I have this new found stigma about someone finding it. because its happened before. I'd type it out and keep it secured on the computer - but that really isn't the same: theres something to be said for handwriting. I'd have my reservations about starting a new one, basically.