What's the best way to say sorry to someone?

anonymous_joe

I've been trying to be friendly to my ex. It wasn't a nice breakup for either of us, seen as we were really in love.

Anyways, we had an argument, and now we're not talking... What's the best way to say sorry? I was thinking I'd leave her alone a few days before I tried anything anyway.

spurious

I'd leave it a lot longer than a few days - in some cases it can take years.

channaigh

just say a simple sorry. i'm sorry

Miss Fluff

Phone her and apologise.

LegacyUser

Just cool it for a while. Give it a week or two and then maybe give her a call if you think it absolutely necessary.

Toots

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Phone her and apologise.

Yeah, or if you really can't bring yourself to phone, send a text. Phoning would be better though.

estar

be open to speaking to her if she makes an approach

but otherwise leave it

Loopy

anonymous_joe wrote: »

It wasn't a nice breakup for either of us, seen as we were really in love.

Why break up if you were really in love? Why do you feel you have to be the one to apologise?

anonymous_joe

looptheloop wrote: »

Why break up if you were really in love? Why do you feel you have to be the one to apologise?

Because she was scared I wasn't giving her enouhg attention, and I didn't tell her in time that I was changing a few things in my life.

I need to apologise cause I said some nasty things to her. It's not all my fault, but I'm less stubborn. If I'm reasonable, I hope to at least stay friends.

Loopy

anonymous_joe wrote: »

Because she was scared I wasn't giving her enouhg attention, and I didn't tell her in time that I was changing a few things in my life.

I need to apologise cause I said some nasty things to her. It's not all my fault, but I'm less stubborn. If I'm reasonable, I hope to at least stay friends.

Sounds like you guys should give it another shot IMO:). In the interim, I think pick up the phone and simply apologise for saying what you did. Its a hard thing to do but it will clear the air and you won't have it hanging over you.

anonymous_joe

I'll need to bypass her new boyfriend. :rolleyes:

No-one ever said she was smart.

At this stage, friendship is what matters to me. If an opportunity for anything else were to present itself I'd take it.

Wibbs

anonymous_joe wrote: »

I'll need to bypass her new boyfriend.

Ouch.

No-one ever said she was smart.

Or as much in love with you as you thought, or she's using this guy to get over you, or she's using this guy to make you jealous, or she's plain emotionally incontinent. Cross off where applicable. You really want that flavour of batshít around you in your life?

At this stage, friendship is what matters to me. If an opportunity for anything else were to present itself I'd take it.

The latter will ruin any chance of the former. Friendzone will not get her back, though lord knows why you would want her back TBH. Plus being her friend with ulterior motives means by definition you're not her friend and you're not taking her feelings into account. You only want what you want, not what she may require(this is of course if she's not a crazy loopjob. See above).

If you must apologise wait a week. Do it once. Tell her you don't want to rake over the coals and point out that you both know what was said was wrong. Just sorry and I truly wish you the best with your new life. Put phone down.

She'll respect you more and if there is any hope that will bolster it. If not at least you weren't emotionally incontinent. Death sentence in the eyes of most women.

Havermeyer

Don't fecking call her to apologise. If you know where she lives go to her house and say sorry to her face. Phones suck balls in my opinion. Using a phone to apologise to someone you love is an extremely cowardly act. As stated above, maybe leave it a few days/weeks, whatever you think is necessary. Sorry for being blunt (if I am being) but apologies over the phone don't cut it, imo.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

John Mason

Do not apolgise in by way of a phone call, email and especially not a text message.

If you really cant see her face to face send a letter, its much more personal but i would say definately say it to her face.

anonymous_joe

Wibbs wrote: »

Ouch.
Or as much in love with you as you thought, or she's using this guy to get over you, or she's using this guy to make you jealous, or she's plain emotionally incontinent. Cross off where applicable. You really want that flavour of batshít around you in your life?

The latter will ruin any chance of the former. Friendzone will not get her back, though lord knows why you would want her back TBH. Plus being her friend with ulterior motives means by definition you're not her friend and you're not taking her feelings into account. You only want what you want, not what she may require(this is of course if she's not a crazy loopjob. See above).

If you must apologise wait a week. Do it once. Tell her you don't want to rake over the coals and point out that you both know what was said was wrong. Just sorry and I truly wish you the best with your new life. Put phone down.

She'll respect you more and if there is any hope that will bolster it. If not at least you weren't emotionally incontinent. Death sentence in the eyes of most women.

Basically, if I do become her friend, then I know we'll have plenty of time to work around things.

She's not an emotional nutjob, but she's had some tough breaks, and she's slow to trust someone.

chuci

dont text or e amil or leave a comment on her bebo face book whatever. to really get in through how sorry you are go to her house speak to her face to face to get across how sorry you are;and why you made the choices you did that led to the breakdown in your relationship. if failing this i would write her a letter its much more personal and it shows you took time out to do this. good luck. p.s i think it sounds you should give it another go. sounds like the guy is a rebound.

anonymous_joe

Yeah, he kind of is.

He's not a bad bloke though.

I think I'll leave her alone for a few days, and then ring her or send a letter. Just see if we can be friends again first.

We were doing ok at that recently, so maybe I can save the friendship.

Wibbs

anonymous_joe wrote: »

Basically, if I do become her friend, then I know we'll have plenty of time to work around things.

I think your missing the bit about how you're defining friendship. You(naturally) have an ulterior motive. This will impact on whatever friendship you think you may have. She'll know it too.

Plus by being her "friend" you're giving her less reason to go back. Why should she? She'll get the emotional backup from you, the new guy will get what you want, with less of the emotional stuff as you'll be dealing with that. Best of both worlds for her, pretty good deal for the new guy as he'll be getting physical with her and having fun. It takes the pressure of them as a couple because he only has to deal with her good side. The longer you help her, the quicker she'll transfer her emotions all the way elsewhere. Your deal is not so great. You get the emotional responsibility of her without the girlfriend part and you will go down in value her eyes as a potential partner.

Now she may well love you for it, but she won't be in love with you. She'll be in love with him, while you hang around.

If you do want her back, withdraw your emotional support. Not in a nasty way either. Just don't be as available as you were. People tend not to value that which is too easily gotten.

Sounds counterproductive but it's not.

As for the apology, yes a letter is fine but I think too overdone. Too easy to come across as desperate. Heavy duty romantic stuff is welcome if not vital when she was with you, now that she's off elsewhere it could backfire. Either you phrase it wrong and that's not so good or you phrase it right and she wonders why it took you so long to do something like this. She may read it and see it for what it is, an attempt to manipulate her into getting back. Same with trying to work it out as friends, it will look like manipulation and she will smell that a mile off, even if not consciously.

She's not an emotional nutjob, but she's had some tough breaks, and she's slow to trust someone.

OK but stop making excuses for her. She's so slow to trust that she's off with another guy overnight? Hmmmm. If it was within a week of you splitting up then she had him lined up in 90% of cases. It didn't "just happen". Basically, look at what she's doing, not what she's saying or what you think she is like. EG who is she with now? I've said it before and I'll say it again, if I walk up to you and say "anonymous_joe, I think you're a really decent guy and you're a mate" and at the same time I kick you forcefully in the nuts, which bit should you believe?

chuci wrote:

i think it sounds you should give it another go. sounds like the guy is a rebound.

I agree he is, but the chances of it translating into something more than a quick rebound will be helped by the OP hanging around as a "friend". Rebound it is, but I've seen rebounds last a couple of years.

anonymous_joe

That's some pretty good advice, actually. Thanks, guys. I'll keep it in mind.

Nevyn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2pNF_IXfyI

anonymous_joe

I don't think youtube vids'll help.

Think the only thing that can help at this stage is time. Just incredibly hard to be patient at the moment.

Dragan

The best way to say sorry is to actually mean it.

Thats about all you can do, apologise from the heart and let them accept it or stay angry at you.

The important thing to remember is just because you are sorry does not mean THEY have to believe you.

anonymous_joe

Sadly I'm well aware of that.

anonymous_joe

The really hard part is moments like this when you're wishing you could ring her or whatever.

Glad I've gained control over myself by now.

Yakult

spurious wrote: »

I'd leave it a lot longer than a few days

+1
I said sorry to my ex, as we were in the same situation as you. After I said sorry tho, I completely cut off contact with her. And guess what? She rang me outta the blue and apologised for all of the crap that happened between us. Sometimes its better to leave things rest.

chuci

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree he is, but the chances of it translating into something more than a quick rebound will be helped by the OP hanging around as a "friend". Rebound it is, but I've seen rebounds last a couple of years.

i have too. i totally agree with what your saying.

anonymous_joe

Yeah, I know I'll need to offer her a lot less emotional support.

Once we're friends again, I can just remain more distant, because I doubt she'll stay with him for too long.

kittensoft1984

anonymous_joe wrote: »

Yeah, I know I'll need to offer her a lot less emotional support.

Once we're friends again, I can just remain more distant, because I doubt she'll stay with him for too long.

so what are your reasons for wanting to say sorry?

to get back with her? To be honest if thats the case then she will see right through this and it may damage your "friendship" more.

I personally think you are very immature to think that she will get back with you just because you say sorry. What makes you think she isnt happy with her current boyfriend?

Personally i think you should leave her alone to get on with her own life and you should do the same. She is obviousl not that cut up about the damage that has been done.

anonymous_joe

Ah you misjudge me.

Our friendship predates our relationship. Both matter to me.

An apology isn't to win her back, its to allow us to start talking again.

kittensoft1984

and why do you want to talk to her again? to get back with her?

anonymous_joe

To be friends. Anything more than that isn't something I'd plan on. Whatever happens happens, but I do want to remain friends.

kittensoft1984

anonymous_joe wrote: »

To be friends. Anything more than that isn't something I'd plan on. Whatever happens happens, but I do want to remain friends.

well then i do apologize.

from your posts it came across that you were only trying to start talking to her again to get back with her.

Just be careful. Give her a while and then call her.

anonymous_joe

Seems the safest approach alright.

anonymous_joe

I sent her an open, friendly and generous text. If she can;t accept that, I guess it isn't worth being friends.