The life and times of mr o riordan!

busted flush

yea this is just an idea i have about developing a character who manages a soccer team in north side of cork city. he is a cross between jose morineo and davis brent. any opinions all welcome! (pardon my spelling and the rest)





As we reach the critical or as the expercts call it "the business end of the championship", i caught up with Elm Court Kids manager ,Mr O Riordan. When i asked him if i could call him ryan(his first name ); for the purposes of speed, he calmly explained to me that the last time someone addressed him by his christian name, the same person ended up working the midnight shift in Macdonalds.... in peru! Oh and that person just happened to be his first cousin and team physio. So obviously i appoligised to his "greatness", for my obvious mistake and began this exclusive interview!
Q; "So Mr O Riordan" i began, "how do you feel as we reach the end of this your first season in the north side city leauge, is it as daunting as you anticipated"?
Mr O;(stares out into the distance for dramatic effect for at least five to six seconds longer than was comfortable......" no" he quiped

As a sports writer for the north side news (a small free publication that comes out quartely ) ; i knew this was indeed my big brake, i was also aware that this interview could be the difference between me staying in this one horse town and finally moving out of my sister and her alcholic/coke head boyfriends one bedroom apartment and into my own place! A nice little pad on the edge of the city and maybe i might even summon up the courage to go for that big job...... "The Evening Echo"! I knew i needed to ask some hard hitting questions , and get some real answers for if i did not ,not only could i kiss my dream job good bye but, even worse i could end up in peru flipping burgers at all hours under very difficult conditions and im a sweater !Dont get me wrong i have always wanted to travel but on my own terms, maybe a week or two in dublin first you know to aclimatise. i knew i needed to be carefull very carefull!

busted flush

this is a follow on from where i finished.

"So Mr O Riordan you have in recent weeks been likened to to some managerial greats from the past, illuminaries such as Paisley,Ferguson,trapatoni and even the great cork city manager of the late nightys Dave barry" how does it feal to be compared to such amazing task masters"?(i was espically happy with this question but the look on O Riordans face did not fill me with confideance).
"look young man " Mr O barked,"i dont know who gave you these questions, but i suggest you ring your editor immediatly and tell him that i will take a certain amount of abuse but it falls short to being compared to "paisley", that is an out and out insult"! "I like you son " he continued "your a clever chap so im going to give you one more oppturnity to turn this around, next question please"? wow i thought to myself this is going bad real bad if things dont turn around quickly il still be sleeping on susans(my sister), couch listening to her and doctor cocaine going at for the next year and that is not to good for ones mental health let me assure you!

sitout

my advice is to quit while your behind! i honestly did not like it . it was badly written and also a bit boring . sorry just my opinion.:cool:

busted flush

:(ok did not expect that! thanks for your imput though . il prob take you up on your advice also . it took me so long to work up the courage to post it. still as i said it was only an idea i was working on an idea i will now have to think about scrapping!:(

rockbeer

Being honest, the poor quality of the writing makes it very hard to read. There may be an interesting idea lurking somewhere under the surface, but it's too deeply buried beneath the countless spelling and grammatical errors. There are so many things wrong here it's hard to know where to begin.

I appreciate it took courage to post this, and I don't intend to be hostile when I suggest that you take the time to review anything you intend to post in future very carefully. If you have genuine aspirations to write, I'd suggest you take some time to thoroughly review the above. If you honestly can't see what's wrong with it then maybe you need to do some serious study of English. If you can, then maybe you should ask yourself why anyone would bother to take the trouble to read and critique something over the writing of which you've obviously taken so little trouble yourself.

There's a special irony in the narrator having pretentions to being a journalist. The standard of copy he's turning out wouldn't have made it into my junior school rag.

Sorry if this sounds savage but there's no point in beating about the bush.

beautiation

As we reach the critical, or as the experts call it, "business end of the championship", I caught up with Elm Court Kids manager, Mr O Riordan. When I asked him if I could call him Ryan (his first name); for the purposes of speed, he calmly explained to me that the last time someone addressed him by his Christian name, the same person ended up working the midnight shift in McDonalds.... in Peru! Oh and that person just happened to be his first cousin and team physio. So obviously I apologised to his "greatness", for my obvious mistake and began this exclusive interview!
Q; "So Mr O Riordan" I began, "how do you feel as we reach the end of this your first season in the north side city league, is it as daunting as you anticipated"?
Mr O;(stares out into the distance for dramatic effect for at least five to six seconds longer than was comfortable......" no" he quipped.

As a sports writer for the north side news (a small free publication that comes out quarterly); I knew this was indeed my big break, I was also aware that this interview could be the difference between me staying in this one horse town and finally moving out of my sister and her alcoholic/coke head boyfriends one bedroom apartment and into my own place! A nice little pad on the edge of the city and maybe I might even summon up the courage to go for that big job... "The Evening Echo"! I knew I needed to ask some hard hitting questions, and get some real answers for if I did not, not only could I kiss my dream job good bye but, even worse I could end up in Peru flipping burgers at all hours under very difficult conditions and I'm a sweater! Don’t get me wrong I have always wanted to travel but on my own terms, maybe a week or two in Dublin first you know to acclimatise. I knew I needed to be careful very careful!

So Mr. O Riordan, you have in recent weeks been likened to some managerial greats from the past, luminaries such as Paisley, Ferguson, Trappatoni and even the great Cork City manager of the late nineties "Dave Barry", how does it feel to be compared to such amazing task masters?" (I was especially happy with this question but the look on O’Riordans face did not fill me with confidence).
"Look young man " Mr. O barked,” I don’t know who gave you these questions, but I suggest you ring your editor immediately and tell him that I will take a certain amount of abuse but it falls short of being compared to "Paisley", that is an out and out insult!"
"I like you son", he continued, "you’re a clever chap so I', going to give you one more opportunity to turn this around, next question please?” Wow I thought to myself this is going bad real bad if things don’t turn around quickly I'll still be sleeping on Susan’s (my sister) couch listening to her and doctor cocaine going at for the next year and that is not too good for one’s mental health let me assure you!

Stuck it into spellcheck for you, it was like turning the christmas lights on . There were a couple of nice lines in it, like the Peru bit, but I'd recommend a bit less of the matey, conversational writing style. It comes across as too eager too please, makes the narrator a bit of a joke, and it drowns your comic lines when every second sentence has an exclamation mark.

I take it you're a teenager? There's a trace of a writer with a good turn of phrase just beginning to develop in this piece. A lot of it is rubbish by literary standards to be honest, but there is something good there, so there's no reason to give up. Every good writer has a million things they wrote when they were young which make them cringe in retrospect, but noone becomes good without lots of practice, and youth is the most important time to practice IMO. Good luck!