can't tell what i'm feeling..

Mushroom..

My B/F has said that i'm petty and childish...
Mayb i am, its very hard thing to say about oneself or to know!!

This is because we're on the verge of a breakup after two years as he treats me like a maid in the house...
Says i am petty and childish to start refusing to do his washing as well as my own..

Sounds childish already this post doesn't it?!

I'm sick of bein like a fool though doing absolutely everything for him and getting absolutely nothing back...

I can't remember the last time he touched or french kissed me!! the only contact is him jumping straight into jumping my bones(only when he feels like it, i'm not allowed to initiate), and thats a very dry affair, pardon my pun.. he isnt making me feel in any way good about myself... and mayb a peck on the cheek in the mornings...

I think he is so lazy as we have so many responsibilites in out lives...between pets and major financial overheads...he just watches tv and drinks( after work mind, but thats his whole life)...i'm at my wits end...i think i need a lawyer although i know what will happen as he is not open to negotiation in any way(no communication skills) it will end with two ex partners living in the same house in separate rooms...

Does it really sound like all love is lost when im thinking like this?
Things used to be so happy....
I can't help him any more and he is putting everything on my shoulders...
Basically whatever happens will be all down to...yet again..my 'petty' frustrated behaviour...
Sorry about the strange post!! I have no one else to chat to!

bored and tired

mushroom how awful for you.

I presume that you both work and that your oh expects you to pick up after him and do all the cleaning after a days work.

Sit him down when he is sober, tell him that you dont expect to live in a palace but that you both need to help around the house., have a chore list done up and swop every week so no one gets left feeling done by.

Explain that it is in both of yer financial interests to make the relationship work, and brushing off complaints as petty or childish is not going to improve the state of your relationship, Communication and mutual respect is how you are going to have a happy relationship, that does not include slobbing infront of the tv every night with pint in hand, If he still doesnt seem to see reason, tell him that ye have two choices, relationship counselling, or solicitors,

best of luck keep us informed,

moco

Things were exactly like that with my ex. I stopped doing some things too, like I'd wash his clothes but not iron them. I actually felt really bad doing that but he said he didn't care and would just wear the un-ironed. It was actually him being childish, not me and it showed a huge lack of appreciation for anything I did for him. Once time I didn't speak to him for 2 days because he wouldn't do the dishes! 'I don't live here, so I'm not doing anything' he said but the fact was he was living there, just not paying rent.

Grr. I don't have any great advice to offer as I couldn't got through to my ex, I just finished with him in the end. It's just laziness and a lack of respect.

StandnDeliver

how about you take a holiday with a mate,see how you feel when you get home.
tell him things need to change,state why your unhappy,i sometimes think a long letter is best.
maybe he will realise how much you do,and rethink his actions.have a chat when you return home.

Oryx

This guy sounds like hes attacking you because actually youre not childish, your right. And rather than admit that, and have to change his behaviour, he's blaming you.

There will be no easy way to do this, youve got to shake this man up big time. He either starts acting like an adult, by taking your feelings into consideration, or he will loose you. Dont worry about him not being up for negotiation, if it comes to you having to separate, you pay your solicitor to make him negotiate. And anyway, thats all about money and practicalities which inevitably sort themselves out if a split happens. Dont think that far, just state your case to him now: shape up or ship out.

The most important thing here is your happiness. If this man is not making you happy you HAVE to demand he changes or gets out. He will if he loves you and wants you enough. If you dont move on this now, you may find it will only get worse for you.

John Mason

You sound like you are going out with my ex. I would suggest you get a solicitor and move on. Life is far too short to be stuck with a lazy fecker.

Oh and i refused to do my ex's washing too, i discovered after he left, he was buying new socks instead of washing them, they were stuffed all over the house, in plastic bags under his bed (yeah, seperate rooms), in the fire place.

Definately time to move on

Marksie

It sounds more like he wants a mammy or slave tbh.
He is simply throwing the you are childish comments out to keep you off track and unbalanced.

As for the sexual aspect, yes he gets what he want, for himself and noone else.

I think you have the right of it and know that its not a relationship.

You can try to tell him this, but i get the distinct impression that he wonrt listen.
IN the end it may be you send him packing to mammy, where he will undoubtedly be happier being waited on hand to foot.

It appears that communication is absent, you are talking about lawyers etc and it seems that couples counselling is a no no.

So actions speak louder than words.

But if you fall into the but i love him routine, think on this how will you feel in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years when this behaviour remains unchecked.

Sometimes you have to drag everything down to rebuild.

But, what is the most important, your life, your pets, or paying bills.?

Mushroom..

Hi

Thanks for the feedback.

I got a call yesterday after work from b/f to let me know that he was heading to the pub to play darts with the lads 'he needs his lads time' (i'm not allowed anybody time as he is so possessive, seems to think i might run of with any1, male or female!) he didnt come back until 10 and as predicted he started on me right away in his drunken state.'we need to talk' 'i think this is it' i told him im tired of always being subject to his terms and conditions(he thought i was trying to be 'smart'then and said it didnt suit me)and that i didnt really want to talk to him when he had a bellyful of drink..he kept talking regardless and still seemed to be blaming me for everything. I said that to him and he said no, not at all!! He said he's not going through all this again like with his ex...

Which leads me on to thinking what really happened there?

There was a romantic comedy on the tv and he was watching it and making bitter comments, like when the guy in film went of to a football match viewing on his honeymoon!!

Cant say no more boss just in in work!!

Marksie

Mushroom.. wrote: »

Which leads me on to thinking what really happened there?

My first response to that would be he behaved like he is behaving now.

Rather than looking at himself and his actions, he is blaming the other part of the equation.

Until he realises he is respnsible for his own behaviour and consequently his own actions then this is going to happen time and again.

John Mason

errr...mushroom are you sure you are not going out with my ex?

seriously, i have been there it is not going to get any better you hang around for another year trying to make it work but you will be wasting healing time. the time to make a move is now

Mushroom..

he was saying that the guy was right to go off and watch a footie match on his honeymoon and that bitches shouldnt alway 'win'

Then he seemed to regenade on his previous attitude and he was talkin about last chances and he seemed to give an awful lot of them... he was trying to push my buttons but i just sat there stony like...(i did end up crying myself to sleep..)

Boss again:o(work)

all the stars

Mushroom.. wrote: »

Does it really sound like all love is lost when im thinking like this?
Things used to be so happy....

Life is a short affair, if you spend more time unhappy than happy - its not working. Take steps to fill your life with good, loving people. If this guy dont fit the bill then he is only closing off your chances to be actually happy.

If in 10 years you are still toghether, and you still feel this way- will you be happy with ten years wasted?

Mushroom..

oh god, no i wouldn't!! I already feel so miserable all the time, like all my life and bubble has been worn away.. im 25 and i feel 60!! iv become such a drudge and i guess iv turned into a nag as well..or some sort of typical female stereotype!!i can't imagine this forever... please god no...:(

Marksie

Mushroom.. wrote: »

oh god, no i wouldn't!! I already feel so miserable all the time, like all my life and bubble has been worn away.. im 25 and i feel 60!! iv become such a drudge and i guess iv turned into a nag as well..or some sort of typical female stereotype!!i can't imagine this forever... please god no...:(

Then you already have the solution

AngryBadger

Sounds like your bf has no respect for you.

Obviously I'm basing this entirely on what you're saying, so I don't know if the way you behave aorund him is in any way responsible for his behaviour.

But based on what you've posted he sounds like an ass.

IRISH RAIL

An ass is too small a word for him

op you are in the same position i was for the last 9 months its not going to be easy if you own the house, if youre only renting youre ok.

I can only say what you feel is right he has no respect for you , belittles youre feelings, and is emotionally cold. you said he hasnt french kissed you in a long time i remembber them days I would have paid for one! no feeling or touching at all. it brings you right down and breaks youre confidence,

you do need to get away from this and look after yourself not on the drink but maybe to youre mams, for a day or two and see how you feel about him couple that with his reaction when you get home and you have your answer.

all the stars

Mushroom.. wrote: »

oh god, no i wouldn't!! I already feel so miserable all the time, like all my life and bubble has been worn away.. im 25 and i feel 60!! iv become such a drudge and i guess iv turned into a nag as well..or some sort of typical female stereotype!!i can't imagine this forever... please god no...:(

then, honestly, sit down & think. What do you need to do - for you - in order to live a happy fulfilling life?
You just dont know what could happen, life is so short - you have to live it to the full - its all over very fast....

Mushroom..

Thanks very much for your previous replies guys..they gave me a bit of insight..
This will be a long one, so i hope its not too tedious..

Which is that i'm still confused...
I have stopped doing everything and anything at home..I was told and then asked twice to wash da dishes:rolleyes:ignored it and gave his normal reply of 'can't be bothered'..i think he was very puzzled and confused..
Other than that we were getting better and he was definitely making a bit more effort...


Anyhow things really came to a head yeaterday.. Unfortunately a letter was found that was never meant to be read, it needed severe editing..(i used to keep a diary and then suddenly stopped and this was a bit like going back to it)He found this in my dressing gown pocket when apparently looking for his cigarettes and read it even though it had been all folded up into a small square.(can't believe that, really can't). Needless to say i should have burned it after writing it, but. anyhow, it was all the worst of what i was feeling on paper. The remarks about certain aspects of our life together where certainly enough to damage any mans ego and definitely his.(He'd never had any complaints before apparantely...) and then yet again he just left. Wouldn't talk about it other than to say how hurt he was.
All that i could say was i'm sorry(because i was sorry that he read it, no-one should have to look at unfair one-sided stuff like that about themselves, especially when so unedited), but at the same time i was thinking that despite the fact that it was written so harshly it was all true to me. It had very similar content to what i wrote on thursday.
After atime i went down to where he was watching football and was ignored. i had a few drinks and left. Went home,looked after a few things and went to another house.
I was thinking 'what do i do? i'm not really happy so mayb this is the way out? He hasn't even acknowledged any of the other things that he read other the bits hurtful to him..there was other stuff about the misery i was going through..that hasn't been mentioned once. He doesn't seem to care.

Anyhow the person in the other house asked if i wanted to come out for a drink and i agreed. However when i went to the bar i realised i had no cash on me so i ran up to the banklink and i saw himself coming down the street. I grabbed my card and started to walk away as if i hadnt seen him.It wasn't working. He started really shouting at me'saying he only wanted to speak to me and all that. i said 'NO' Leave it.. he followd me and the look on his face..if you had seen it.. murderous is a word that could be used..i started to run..he was still shouting and following..people were starting to look.. he caught up with me at the corner and grabbed my arm and backed me into the wall.
I just wanted to get away, i broke away and ran up the road..he was shouting after me 'i just want to talk to you' and 'don't you dare walk away from me like that', 'how dare you do this to me' and you can figure the rest. He let my dog who he had with him of leash so she started running to me but was also all over the place, like in the road and all..that was to get me to stop but i just walked in the direction of the house and then ran with her towards the house ,then she went back to him and i kept going with him still marching on.. but then as i was trying to backtrack unseen dog saw me and ran to me but we both got way unseen..i had the idea to take a different route back to the house and managed that..on the way i met someone who asked was i alright'that they had seen what had happened in the town' i couldn't speak..felt sick and my heart was going ninety so i just nodded..
We got back to the other house and poor dog was going wild in strange gaff.. then he kept ringing and i turned the phone off..came to the door twice but i had light off and curtains closed and no noise..
A couple of hours later i had to take dog back..she was distraught out of her environment..so i just opened the door and let her back in and left again quickly..he was in but didnt hear me..
Went back to other house and stayed there for a few more hours before deciding that had outstayed my welcome as that house was already too crowded..my house is the only place i have to stay..(sounds a bit lonely doesn't it).So i crept back in hoping to god that he hadnt heard. i made it up the stairs and into the spare room.
But he had heard me and came bulling up the stairs shouting 'i thought i told you never to come back' 'get out of my house''you better find somewhere else to live''you've shamed me'' 'its over' and yet again 'get out of my house' ( bear in mind we're joint owners, unfortunately). He was right up in my face roaring at me and i was amazed at myself cos i stood my ground. he changed tactics and started talking about how much i'd hurt him and that id broken his heart. basically everything from start to finish was my fault. Then he told me to packa bag and get out.i said no.He started to pack it for me. I said leave my stuff i'll sort it into spare room myself tomorrow.He said no leave. I shook my head.I said i was going to bed and he went down the stairs!
Then he came back up and demanded that we 'talk' downstairs. So i agreed and he proceeded to tell me over and over how much id hurt him and i said nothing other than i did apologise for him having to read those words but not apologising that id written them, and not excusing him for going into my belongins to get them. This went on for a while then he bought me a takeaway when we walked down the chipper and then watched a dvd and then asked me to sleep in 'our' room last night which i did!!!
And he kissed me goodbye before heading to his work this evening!!!:eek:


So the question is : EXACTLY HOW MENTAL AND F**KED UP DOES THIS SOUND?!!!
it feels so surreal..twilight zone stuff and i'm just watching from the ouside now..

Chinafoot

Why are you doing this to yourself? Yeah, he sounds majorly fúcked up but tbh you're not coming off too sane yourself. He terrified you and then all of a sudden you're off down the chipper, watching a DVD and then sleeping in the same bed?!

I'm sorry but such a quick shift in attitude like the one he displayed would be more terrifying to me than having him scream in my face in public.

Time to have a good hard think about where this relationship (if you could even call it that) is going to go. Do you really think this guy is going to change? You said yourself he didn't address any of your feelings as written in the letter, and instead focused on your comments about his sexual performance. He sounds like a selfish, egotistical creep with zero respect for you.

You know all this yourself yet you continue to stay in such a horrible relationship. You can't really expect people to have much sympathy for you when you refuse to do anything to help your situation.

Mushroom..

I know..
I don't really understand it myself and i agree that i'm not coming off looking to sane either.(i certainly didnt feel sane last night)
I'm not expecting symapthy at all chinafoot just honest opinions and insights which is what i'm getting ( apologies if i came of wrong and looked like i wanted your sympathy or even empathy chinafoot).
I think i was glad for a lull in the storm last night.
I dont know how to handle all this because i hate raised voices(childhood thing) and i hate serious confrontation.
I think i'm wondering how to get out without scenes. I cant leave the house as i have no-were else to go and also i cant afford anywhere else as i pay too much for this house. i've looked at every possible route and nothing seems forthcoming.
i have to work it out myself but its not that easy.
Trapped is how i feel and if you knew me you wouldn't say i was the kind of person who talks like that!

Chinafoot

Mushroom.. wrote: »

I know..
I don't really understand it myself and i agree that i'm not coming off looking to sane either.(i certainly didnt feel sane last night)
I'm not expecting symapthy at all chinafoot just honest opinions and insights which is what i'm getting ( apologies if i came of wrong and looked like i wanted your sympathy or even empathy chinafoot).
I think i was glad for a lull in the storm last night.
I dont know how to handle all this because i hate raised voices(childhood thing) and i hate serious confrontation.
I think i'm wondering how to get out without scenes. I cant leave the house as i have no-were else to go and also i cant afford anywhere else as i pay too much for this house. i've looked at every possible route and nothing seems forthcoming.
i have to work it out myself but its not that easy.
Trapped is how i feel and if you knew me you wouldn't say i was the kind of person who talks like that!

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Look I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh but having seen people waste years being miserable in bullshít relationships just like yours it's uneblievably frustrating to listen to the excuses, particularly when they have asked for honest opinions.

You don't want any scenes? Personally I think a few weeks of discomfort in order to gain your life back would be worth it. Fair enough you don't like confrontation but would you honestly rather be treated like muck by this guy in order to spare yourself having to stand up to him? That is madness.

Are you honestly telling me that you have absolutely nobody you could talk to and stay with for a while until you got things sorted out? No family or friends?

Fair enough you don't want sympathy, but what do you want? People have given their honest and frank opinions on this matter and you agree with them and then tell us about your little trip to the chipper and how he kissed you when he went off to work, which you then described as "mental and fúcked up". What do you want people to say to you?

You know you're in a bad situation yet you're unwilling to change it. I'll never understand that.

Wibbs

Mushroom.. wrote: »

I know..
I don't really understand it myself and i agree that i'm not coming off looking to sane either.(i certainly didnt feel sane last night)

I wouldn't worry about the sane part. All of us have done something that either we thought was insane or others from a different perspective thought it. Doing something "insane" is part of life and is only part of the problem. Realising it and learning from it and changing it is the trick.

I think i was glad for a lull in the storm last night.

Hence the insane bit.

I dont know how to handle all this because i hate raised voices(childhood thing) and i hate serious confrontation.

I would suspect that's not the only pattern you're repeating here. For someone to be in this situation and to be this unhappy for this length of time when your own logic tells you it's bad for you, suggests to me at least that at least some of this madness is familiar to you. Being familiar it's also weirdly comfortable too.

I think i'm wondering how to get out without scenes.

The first step is to accept you can't. You have to know that. A scene will happen. It can't be sugar coated. Now which would you prefer? A scene or a few scenes now. A short upheaval in your life, or would you prefer to stay in an unhealthy situation for the rest of your natural? I don't think you want that, so the scene comes now or later or you live your life from scene to scene. That's a waste for both of you.

OK he comes across as an arse and he will be naturally vilified for it here. He could come here and describe you as a mad wan who questions his manhood. Two sides and all that. It's quite possible that you both escalate the bad behaviours in each other and will continue to do so as you're not compatible. Your compatibility as it is may be more as fellow enablers of your own issues that need to be addressed. I have noticed people will often seek out such in a partner.

I cant leave the house as i have no-were else to go and also i cant afford anywhere else as i pay too much for this house. i've looked at every possible route and nothing seems forthcoming.

There is always another option. Always. It may not be the easiest and staying may appeal because of that, but it is there. Have you any family or friends you can crash with until this gets sorted? Can you afford to buy him out, or better yet get him to buy you out.

i have to work it out myself but its not that easy.

Of course it's not but you can do it.

Trapped is how i feel and if you knew me you wouldn't say i was the kind of person who talks like that!

Trapped is a terribly hard place to be. Trapped by routine, repeating patterns and fear can wear down the best of us. The truth is the feeling of that is what's holding you back from the reality of other options.

barbiegirl

Mushroom get out now. This is called emotional abuse and it is as bad as physical. I know :eek: Plus it seems he could be going down the road of physical he chased you, threatened you, pushed you against a wall and grabbed your arm!!!! You have people who were pushed out of your life by this guy, turn to them, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, godparents, friends, they are waiting on you to come to your senses and they will just be happy that you have and won't start on recriminations. You are 25 and still have a long life ahead of you, you deserve a guy who makes you smile when you think of him, who kisses you, who makes you happy (I found one), not this misery. Call a solicitor tomorrow, call your old support network tonight, move into the spare room when you go home, no kisses, he will try this to bring you back and then nothing will change, 2 weeks down the road it'll be the same again. As soon as the solicitor has explained your rights, based on this, issue proceddings and move out, and onwards and upwards. Please take everyone's advise here and leave. good luck

Balmed Out

Im going to go against the general opinion and ask how much of whats happened do you believe is your fault.

It takes two to get to the stage ye seem to be at. Cant help but think ye are both probably taking eachother for granted while trying to both feel like victims. If he is the asshole you describe you would never have got with him in the first place and certainly not bought a house with him.

You say he never kisses you etc, do you ever to him?
He seems to have at least wanted to talk and try to improve things. I dont think you appreciate when he does things for you. You spotted him on the street and started to run away as he was bringing your dog for a walk.
Why would you go writing hurtful things out like that anyhow?. Thats just bizzare. You seem a little annoying and bitchy too to be honnest, I mean who here wanted to know that He'd never had any complaints before apparantely...

You seem to love to have something to complain about. I mean most people have friends they can rely on when the **** hits the fan but you dont and i cant help wonder why. No one has the right to tell anyone who they can and cant be friends with and nobody should accept it if someone tries to do that. Im suspicous that your lonelyness has less to do with your scapegoat, sorry boyfriend and more to do with you. Did you perhaps not put much effort into mantaining friendships at the beginning of your relationship?

I dont know if ye have anything worth saving but i do think that whoever you meet next isnt the luckiest of guys. Im sorry but your posts stink of self victimisation, self pity, selfishness and a complete lack of empathy.

Ill try to end on a positive. It really isnt the end of the world so ye break up, sell the house etc. Your very young and have plenty of time to meet someone else, get another house etc etc.

Mushroom..

Thanks guys for your replies and all.
As someone has told me i have come across like a terrible bitch, so apologies again.

Anyhow last night when i got home , and he started again (i'll not go into the details) i just said to him that which would it be, call it quits or just take a break and sort our heads out?he didnt answer so i said that i'd wait for his answer and i moved my stuff into the spare room for the mean time.
I can't believe that he didnt bull up after me shouting the odds..I had the most peaceful night in such a long time!! It was so calm and all.. Like some sort of a sign suddenly loads of people i used to have contact with (mainly from home) were contacting me and i was catching up with mates all night!!i hadn't contacted them at all and then suddenly all at once my phone was buzzing,it really was ultra weird!! I also went to sleep early and slept right through which i don't normally!

Its going to be hard living in the spare room like that but sure it could be worse and hopefully he might talk to me properly after a while. But if he won't talk to me and listen to my side of things for a change instead of shouting me down it'l defo be the end.

Its amazing what one night can do, i feel so together now. Hopefully it'll last.
Thanks guys, im going to do my best to stand firm and do whats right for both of us, because neither of us need to suffer any more.

Grawns

How are things now? I hesitate to give any advice at this time as you really do seem all over the place.

Mushroom..

Hi people
Hows things?

Things have gotten better in my world at da moment! He told me for the first time ever that he wanted to talk things out and not give up just like that! first time he ever talked like that so mayb he has gotten a shock..i know that he was letting of steam to some of his mates as well..mutual friends of ours, as well which hes never done either so mayb they taught him something!!

I've told him that we're both to blame but that he da one who won't talk, and can't manage to control his agression when he gets angry, so thats what he has to work on and i'll work on not being so fiery about the things that really frustrate me, and bein more laid back!!
I've started that anyhow!! the house is a tip!! Only my washing is being done and washing up and things like that and do ya know what?i really dont care!can stay that way im not goin ta be hassled and do lackey!!

Anyhow still no real talking done other than mutual acceptance of mutual apologies and him getting a suprise cause my social calendar booked up for quite a while(something he will have to accept coz not letting him take precidence in my social life again!!) Feel much better and i think he is just relieved...:DIm free again in a liberated way. Thnaks guy for helping ironing stuff out and even the harsh comments!! gave me food for thought!!:D