Break-up with child involved

ainet

I split with my boyf over the bank holiday wkend. The row started because I noticed he had been extremely cranky with our 3 year daughter over the last few months...so words were had and he stormed off on the beer for 4 days, out in clubs in town, didn't even come home on Easter Sunday to our daughter. It was wednesday before she saw him. He drank every penny we had and left us with nothing. I have split with him before over his drinking, I have a feeling he was dying to go on a drinking binge and that is why he was so cranky with our daughter. So he's admitting now that he's an alco and blah blah...heard it all before, he's never going to change. We're definitely finished.
The problem now is that he is wanting to take her every single night. I told him 2/3 hours every second night as long as she was happy with that. I've moved back to my parents with her and we are trying to get settled in here. He is laying the guilt trip on me saying I shouldn't be allowed do that to him. She wouldn't even go with him when he called for her at the wkend. I'm thinking about my daughter in all this....
Really don't want things getting messy, I think I'm being very reasonable considering.
Just looking for other peoples views on this

Miss Fluff

Poor you, is he seeking treatment for his alcoholism OP?

ainet

He went to AA one day last week!
He goes as an attempt to get me back. I went back twice before, AA stopped as soon as I went back and his drinking binges continued.
He'll never change. I know that now. I'm alot happier now that I've broke away from him.
Just concerned about my daughter, really want her to have a good relationship with her daddy...but he wants everything his way. Don't want things getting messy again. He's really good at laying the guilt trip on me and crying down the phone about "his little family".
He's telling me not to do this to him, he can't see he is the one that has caused this not me.

Noelie

I'd try make some kind of agreement that he has to attened a certain number of AA meeting before he's allowed unsupervised custody. and a couple of months of meetings before you'd allow her to stay over with him. If he's determined to make things right he should be willing.

Without the AA i'd be relutant to leave her alone with him as you'd have no idea what kind of state he'd be in.

ainet

The first time we split(2 years ago), there was a court order for supervised visits with him. The order also states that he is not allowed to drink prior to or during visitations.
He collects her now and brings her to his mothers house, so I know she's ok there. He wouldn't be one for drinking on week nights, he just goes on these binges every now and again and turns inot a right B******.

Beruthiel

ainet wrote: »

He's telling me not to do this to him, he can't see he is the one that has caused this not me.

He has done this to himself, if at this stage, he's still not getting that, then he has a very long way to go before he's cured of this.

Your daughter is the one who must come first.
She is 3 you say, it won't be long before she's starting school.
I would think that her going out to spend x amount of hours with him each night will be very disruptive for her once homework and early nights are involved.
I would have thought that weekends would be more suitable.
Remember, it's her you are accommodating here, not him, and the most important thing in a little childs life is consistancy.

You are doing right by making sure she has a relationship with him, good or bad, all children should know their fathers. But he needs to realise that his actions infulence her and shape how she will see life.

bored and tired

id agree with Noelie on the AA meetings, tell him if he is concerned for his family then he has to address his own deamons not you.
At 3 your daughter will need stability, so if his mams is far from your mams then 2-3 hours every other night might be too much for her as she will be home after bed time, He might take this as you being difficult but, children come first, they have a right to know their parents and also to be protected from them when needs be.
A friend of mine had a similar problem, thought that things had been worked out until she got a phone call that dad had crashed the car with their 10 year old boy in it after leaving pub, only small crash thank god and no one injured, but as guards werent called, when she went to court he lied and said she made the whole thing up.
hope things work out, realise that it is early days, but that is when you need to put the ground rules down to prevent future problems,

Miss Fluff

Perhaps you should think about going down the Court Order route again. When a toddler is involved I don't think empty promises of not drinking will suffice. You need to know your daughter will be going to a safe and sober environment. Having her for a couple of hours an evening is ridiculous carry on, a Court Order will help establish very clear boundaries as to when and where he can have (sober) access. You're being consciensuous in wanting the child to know her father, and rightly so, but don't feel rail-roaded into an agreement that you know may not be the best for your little girl's welfare.

spinandscribble

he's acting very selfish. you to the court, define clear agreements on when he can see her and under what conditions. i've seen too many parents pander to their alcoholic OHs over children instead of doing whats best for the child.

ainet

The court is looking likely, just dont want to have to go through all that again, but if it has to be done, it has to be done.
He is bombarding me with calls and txts at least 20 times a day. My daughter has even told him to stop ringing all the time, she's even gettin fed up of him. It's a shock to her system the amount of attention she's getting from him now all of a sudden.
So angry with myself for going back to him the last time.

seahorse

ainet wrote: »

So angry with myself for going back to him the last time.

Well there's no point being angry with yourself here ainet, people make mistakes, all we can do is try to rectify them. I would go the court route if I were you. You'd probably be doing your daughters father a favour also in forcing him to take a look at where his addiction has lead him. On the other hand he'll probably drown his sorrows in the pub, and if that happens it'll just be further confirmation that you've done the right thing by yourself and your daughter in removing the pair of you from the situation. Getting verbally abusive towards a toddler in order to spark an opportunity to run out and get drunk is about as low as a person can go, in my opinion.

bored and tired

ainet wrote: »

He is bombarding me with calls and txts at least 20 times a day. My daughter has even told him to stop ringing all the time, she's even gettin fed up of him.

keep a record of the calls or ask the guards to "mind your phone" for few days.

ainet wrote: »

So angry with myself for going back to him the last time.

there is NO point being angry, be thankful you have the backbone to make the break. use your parents for support in staying away from him and use them as a sounding board on where to go from here. Dont give into him harrasing you in to an agreement that is not going to be beneficial to your daughter and you.

AngryBadger

Fair dews OP, nasty situation that. I'd say you're right to go down the court order road again, show him you're serious.

Other than that all I can say is keep the chin up, you're better off without someone that unstable, and in the long term so is your little girl.

Femelade

From a girl who has been in a similar situation a few years back, the best route you can take is go to court again, and dont hold back when telling the judge about his drinking binges, the judge will make a fair decision.

Gumbyman

Agree with most of what has been said but this guy has a point of view too. I am guessing that he loves his daughter very much. And you are keeping her from him. Of course the daughter is going to be getting annoyed with him - she picks up on what you say/do/react. Do you expect him to give up? What sort of a father would that make him? I don't know him so I can't really defend him but saying he was cranky with your daughter as he wasn't boozing is opinion and possibly biased opinion. What sort of father has he been? Is it really better for the child not to see him or are you punishing him. Try to step back from it all and look at it objectively. I'm sorry, I know I sound harsh and you're obviously going through a horrible time and I can't imagine how hard this has been on you. Sometimes it is good to look at things from all sides though. I hope it works out.

ainet

Gumbyman wrote: »

Agree with most of what has been said but this guy has a point of view too. I am guessing that he loves his daughter very much. And you are keeping her from him. Of course the daughter is going to be getting annoyed with him - she picks up on what you say/do/react. Do you expect him to give up? What sort of a father would that make him? I don't know him so I can't really defend him but saying he was cranky with your daughter as he wasn't boozing is opinion and possibly biased opinion. What sort of father has he been? Is it really better for the child not to see him or are you punishing him. Try to step back from it all and look at it objectively. I'm sorry, I know I sound harsh and you're obviously going through a horrible time and I can't imagine how hard this has been on you. Sometimes it is good to look at things from all sides though. I hope it works out.

No. I don't think you're harsh, I want to hear opinions from every side. And no I'm definitely not trying to punish him.
He does love her, but saying that he doesn't have much time for her imo. He would try to book wkends away for just me and him, or get his mam to babysit her if he had a saturday off work(he would tell me that his mam had asked to take our daughter for the day, but I've found out now from his mam that he would beg her to babysit even if she had plans and then turn his phone off so she couldnt contact him)
The last straw was when he grabbed her by the wrist in one of his tempers and pulled her backwards and knocked her to the ground , leaving her screaming crying that "daddy hurt me". This was out in a shopping center, thats when he ran off on the drinking spree.
He'd much rather be in the pub than spend time with our daughter. He said he was trying his best, but he shouldn't have to "try" to enjoy spending time with his daughter.

He even wanted to get his mam to babysit on her(our daughters) birthday so we could go to the pub. That's the type of father he is.

seahorse

I would definitely not agree that you are keeping her from him OP. There is only one thing responsible for that and it's not you, it's his obvious prioritising of alcohol, and healthy people don't do that; his addiction is what's responsible for coming between him and his daughter.

There's no way I'd raise my son with a drunk. I think you're doing the right thing. A lot of women in your situation allow themselves to be guilted into sticking their heads in the sand, but that's not the route you're allowing yourself to be railroaded down and as far as I'm concerned fair play to you for that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm the child of an alchololic that, while sober now, continues to emotionally abuse my mother. Myself and my two siblings have been profoundly affected by our upbringing and our father's alcoholism... we continue to be. We watch on with heartbreak as my mum continues to accept the situation and continues to be a victim of his emotional blackmail and tries desperately to have a two way relationship with him.

Don't fall for the emotional BS. I've seen it... they can develop emotional manipulation into a finely honed tool to manufacture a million chances for themselves that they don't deserve. Also, if they don't suffer any negative consequences, there's no incentive to reform.

I remember going to a new GP once.. a really fantastic guy. He wanted to know some of my history. It came out that my dad was an alcoholic. He then said: "you are a special group of people". He's right!

Don't underestimate the impact your partner's illness and behaviour will have. I wish sometimes that my mum had called time on my dad many years ago. I'm not saying that's what you should do in this situation, but I believe that you need to be strong. If you believe in your heart that you'e given him the benefit of the doubt, if you've given him enough chances, you really need to move one. Don't sacrifice your life for his like my mother has. Your own daughter deserves so much better.

If it turns out he's not capable of reforming now - it may be that your daughter will have a better relationship with her father in the long run, if he's at a distance. Rather than live with his illness and dysfunctionality and learn to hate him.

Every situation is different, but I believe there's a time to call it quits - no more chances... time to get on with your own life and give your daughter the best chance for a happy childhood.

There's time for reform too. Judge him by his fruits. If he reforms... well and good - talk to him then.

ainet

Thanks for all your replies.
Yes I definitely gave him enough chances, too many chances according to both his and my family.
He needs to grow up and start taking responsibility for his actions.
He came to collect our daughter last night and she cried again, she didn't want to go. Hopefully he'll realise from this, that his actions are beginning to affect her.

the GALL

I was in a similar situation a few years ago with my ex not letting me see/or talk to my child and blah blah blah. So we went to court she stood up and told the usual drinking etc etc etc I didn't deny any of it. I was drinking just not to the extent she made out. It came out in court that she was useing the child to hurt me because we were splitting up. The judge didn't like that at all and told her in no uncertain terms what he would do (Prison) if she didn't cop herself on.
Anyway it was the best move both of us could have done, going to court and have an independent mediator sort it out. As it was we couldn,t sit in the same room as each other (picture the couple in father ted), but we were told our right's and stuck to them 8 years later I have a great relationship with my daughter (10 years old). I still dont talk to her mother and i have no intension of doing so any time soon.
You should go to court let the judge decide what th ebest course of action is and stick to it. you dont have to have a relationship with him but your daughters welfare is the main priority here, not what you or your ex thinks it is. Both of you are looking at it with blinkers on.

best of luck in court ...it's not a nice experience.:)

ainet

It's not as if I'm stopping him from seeing her, I'm allowing every 2nd day and a full wkend day. Considering he lives a half hours drive away, I'm not going to allow my daughter travel that every single night. He rings her every morning and evening on my mobile, I dont't stop that. It's all about my daughter, not to punish him...that's just childish.
Went to court 2 years ago, and he was only given one day supervised visit with her. I'm allowing him to see her more than what a judge would recommend. He is known by the judge, has been fined many times for drunken fights and abuse to the gardai. As I said he's a B****** with drink in him. So he didnt need me up telling the judge my side of the story.
We were given a protection order against him, and the gardai had him in court also over the abuse he gave them....they were called to our house when he arrived home from one of his binges. He had us locked in and was carrying on like a lunatic.
There's alot more that has gone on...that I've forgiven.