Bi with girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hey all,

I have a bit of an issue. I have been going out with an amazing and sexy girl for the past year. Everything is going great. We get on in everything. However something has been playing on my mind for quite some time.
Even before we started going out I knew I was bisexual. I have liked both guys and girls for quite some time. I find women very attractive but I have also fooled around with some guys the odd time and it was great fun. I seem to lean more towards women but am finding the odd time I fantasise about guys.
When I masturbate I like to think about my girlfriend most of the time. However I do get off to the thought of other guys from time to time. It's just like thinking about other girls (though I dont do that as much).
I am having a hard time(pardon the pun) reconciling the fact I am in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with some of my homosexual desires. I am not going to be so niave as to suggest that the two impulses are separate and thus allow for mulitple partners, as this is a selfish and unrealistic viewpoint (in my oppinion).
I love my girlfriend and have no desire for an open relationship. I was just wondering about other boards members opinions.
Is it ok to have sexual thoughts other than your partner? Be they male or female? Or is that some sort of cheating?
Maybe this isnt really a homosexual/heterosexualy issue. I'm sure sure alot of people homosexual/heterosexual/bi have thought of other people than their partner from time to time. Its just this issue is exacerbated in my situation by the contrast in homo/hetero sexual desire.
I just don't want to feel I should try and repress some of my desire as I feel this would be far worse in the longrun.
Also do you think telling my girlfriend about my bisexuality is prudent, as it may help deepen our understanding of eachother? Or could it serve to put a stumbling block between us. My girlfriend is quite open minded, a good listener and above all a great friend. I am quite a confident person but this issue has me quite unsure as to how to proceed and any insight or experience other users may have had would be great.

Thanks in advance.

LegacyUser

Hi there - I'm going unregged for this response as only my g/f and a few close friends are aware of my sexuality - believe me, I sometimes think it's easier to be totally gay than bisexual...

In answer to your questions though, only you can judge whether your partner could handle the information and how it will affect your relationship. In my case, I told my girlfriend because I was aware that she had previously had a female partner for a year and would therefore have some understanding of bisexuality.

However, even in my case, the news that I was also attracted to men was not something she was entirely pleased about. The reason she gave is that in her experience ( (she worked professionally as an adviser in a gay mens initiative in London) gay men are far more sexually active. The ease with which a man can enjoy gay sex is quite scary to her...

There may a double standard here, or reverse discrimination but the fact is that if you want to have sex with a man, it's as easy as visiting a sauna, going online, or cruising in the phoenix park (believe me, I have done so in the past!). So imagine if you can a scenario where your heterosexual partner is aware that you can shag a guy anytime you fancy it, and also that you have sexual fantasies about doing so... Not very reassuring for her eh?

So putting the case perhaps cynically, you need twice the amount of trust in your relationship. You also need to be sure that a thin veneer of open mindedness doesn't give way to contempt - lesbian sex is exciting to most men, but very few women are enamoured with the mechanics of gay male sex - and from her perspective she'd be risking an awful lot, including HIV and the full gamut of STDs out there.

So think hard before you break the news, because the issue can't be neatly folded away once you've brought it up. Also, from personal experience, you'll need to make a decision as to whether you are going to suppress those desires, or act on them. It's very difficult to feel totally fulfilled with heterosexual lovemaking when you continually feel the urge for some man-on-man action...

In an ideal world, you girlfriend would understand your needs and give you carte blanche to shag the occasional bloke, or even include a guy in a threesome - but seriously, how likely is that? Sometimes ignorance is bliss, or maybe just preferable to a whole new world of confusion.

Nevyn

You are not in a hetrosexual realtionship.
You can't be you are bisexual,
you are not going to react to a lot of things they way a hetrosexual male would when in a relationship with a woman even if those reaction are only in your own heart and head and you never express them to anyone else.

So you need to figure how to be a besexual bloke in a relationship with a woman yourself first and get your head around it so that if and when you tell your gf you are at ease wtih it and can support and reassure her.

Even if a guy can go an get sex easily with another guy doesn't mean he will,
the idea that people of alternative sexualties can't be monogamous is a load of ****.

I have found personally that if a bisexual person is not honest with themself about what sparks thier desire and supresses it then yes it will come back to bite them in the ass
and usually the person of what ever gender they are in a realtionship and have fallen for.

Unregforall it may take you a while to figure this out and hopefull you partner is the type that is mature enough and secure enough in themelves and your relationship not to get wigged out when you notice a cute guy and smile to her self knowing that you have chosen to be with her.

As for where ever your mind wanders during sex or masterbation well that is why the brain is the biggest sex organ in the body and everyone has that happen.
Why does this exasberate your 'problem' ?

Marksie

OK, lets just look at this. You are in a monogamous closed relationship and have every intention of staying that way.
In other words you have no desire to "fool around" with anyone, male or female.

You class yourself as Bi and have fantasies... is it the fantasies that are causing the issue or the fact you ar Bi?

Given the veracity fo my first comment then sexual orientation is not the issue really.
What is is the fact you are struggling to accept that you can have fantasies of a homoerotic nature and it does seem this is causing conflict.

But it needn't. The fantasies are simply those, better to express in those fantasies rather than repress them.
If you repress them then they will begin to predominate, and the more your repress the more you will obsess.
You have mentioned that its like fantasising about another girl..well accept it as such. Fully accept it and enjoy it, in that way it will be constantly released from the system.

Whether you tell your g/friend is really up to you, as you say monogamy is not the issue. It really depends on how open and understanding she is. This also leads to the possibility of gender reversal role play and expression that way.

IN the end whether you tell her or not is up to you, and that is dependent upon whether it intrudes into your relationship with her.

The other poster talks about double the trust, i personally dont see why, his G/friend had a view based on gay means health, but precludes that fact taht a lot of gay men are in monogamous relationships.
So there was a skewed bias there which IMO leads to a lack of trust. There is little difference between of you are out with the guys, which one are you going to shag and of you are out with the guys, which girl are you going to chat uo and shag?

You have already said that you have no desire for any other partners so that this should be a non issue.

Shelli

Everyone has fantasies, they are nothing to feel ashamed of, there is also no need to tell your OH half about them, unless there is something you'd like them to try.

You said you’re in a monogamous relationship, with no desire to be with anyone else, so I really don't think that you have a problem here.

Only you can judge how you think your gf will react if you told her you were bi, but tbh I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, if past partners come up in discussion, as they often do in relationships, then maybe make her aware that some of them were male, but sitting her down and telling her that your bi would just freak her IMO. Not because you are attracted to men, but if you made such a big deal about it she might think it IS a big deal and that you want her to allow you an open relationship.

That’s how I would feel anyway, I've had a very happy relationship with a guy who was bi and had male partners before me, he never sat me down and told me this, but I was aware of it through comments passed in random discussions and it was totally fine that way.

LegacyUser

You've asked us a couple of questions in your post, firstly whether it's ok to fantasise about someone other than your partner, whether they be male of female, and secondly whether you should tell your girlfriend.

I'm currently seeing someone who is bisexual, he told me so openly even before we were technically 'dating', and I have to say from the girlfriend perspective, the only thing I thought about was the issue of STIs, which stemmed partly from his bisexuality but also (and mainly) from the fact that he simply had been with more sexual partners in the past than I had. We've both had STI tests since starting the relationship, and we're both clean, however that doesn't mean that we're any less careful, but it does give me the reassurance I needed on that front. I don't get into a relationship with anyone who I feel isn't being open with me about their sexual history, so I would have expected this with someone who was 'straight' as well. I don't worry about how "easy" it would be for him to go off with a man, I have to trust that he's faithful to me, if I didn't trust him why would I be with him? When we're together I know he's there to be with me, not thinking about others.

Be that as it may, in his private time, he can fantasise about whoever he likes! I'm never to know, and getting jealous/freaking out over it would be ridiculous, I think it'd perfectly ok to sometimes think about other people/situations when masturbating, although if you never thought about her I would maybe think that a little odd. Why would you try to suppress this, who do you help by trying to ignore your real feelings? That's guaranteed to end badly I would think!

So, moral of the story, I would tell her, you never know where it could lead. It may even lead to some interesting aspects of intimacy, I certainly know that my private life is very creative now, and better than it's ever been. The bottom line is that a relationship is based on honesty, intimacy and trust, if you don't trust her to love the real you than the man she thinks she knows is a lie.

Aurora Borealis

UnregGF wrote: »

You've asked us a couple of questions in your post, firstly whether it's ok to fantasise about someone other than your partner, whether they be male of female, and secondly whether you should tell your girlfriend.

I'm currently seeing someone who is bisexual, he told me so openly even before we were technically 'dating', and I have to say from the girlfriend perspective, the only thing I thought about was the issue of STIs, which stemmed partly from his bisexuality but also (and mainly) from the fact that he simply had been with more sexual partners in the past than I had. We've both had STI tests since starting the relationship, and we're both clean, however that doesn't mean that we're any less careful, but it does give me the reassurance I needed on that front. I don't get into a relationship with anyone who I feel isn't being open with me about their sexual history, so I would have expected this with someone who was 'straight' as well. I don't worry about how "easy" it would be for him to go off with a man, I have to trust that he's faithful to me, if I didn't trust him why would I be with him? When we're together I know he's there to be with me, not thinking about others.

Be that as it may, in his private time, he can fantasise about whoever he likes! I'm never to know, and getting jealous/freaking out over it would be ridiculous, I think it'd perfectly ok to sometimes think about other people/situations when masturbating, although if you never thought about her I would maybe think that a little odd. Why would you try to suppress this, who do you help by trying to ignore your real feelings? That's guaranteed to end badly I would think!

So, moral of the story, I would tell her, you never know where it could lead. It may even lead to some interesting aspects of intimacy, I certainly know that my private life is very creative now, and better than it's ever been. The bottom line is that a relationship is based on honesty, intimacy and trust, if you don't trust her to love the real you than the man she thinks she knows is a lie.

+1

If this is a serious commitment you're both making then be open and honest. There's no point holding back because then she's not really getting the full you and we all, with all our foibles, idiosyncrasies, insecurities, sexual persuasions and personality traits are worthy of being loved for who we really are and she can't unless you give her the chance.

Shelli

Theres a huge difference between being open and honest and freaking the girl out totally.

Aurora Borealis

Course there is. But IMO there's no point being a serious relationship if you can't be completely yourself. Not saying just drop it on her like some bomb but if at the end of the day she's not comfortable then it's not the right relationship for him.

Shelli

Totally agree there, but I think bringing it up as an "issue" could make it excatly that, and issue in the realtionship.

I'm not saying lie to her, but if/when it comes up don't hide the fact.

If my bf sat me down to tell me he was bi I would freak out thinking that he wanted to sleep with men while being in the relationship with me, as this is not the case I don't think thats the way to go about it.
As I said above, when I was told in a previous relationship, in a kind of off hand way, it wasn't a big deal.

justsomebloke

Unregforall wrote: »

I am having a hard time(pardon the pun) reconciling the fact I am in a monogamous relationship with some of my desires.

Ok I took the useless parts out of the above quote, i.e. it doesn't matter what type of relationship you are in the fact is that you are in a realtionship and as such no matter what your sexual preferences are you should be able to respect the boundaries that come with it

Unregforall wrote: »

Is it ok to have sexual thoughts other than your partner? Be they male or female? Or is that some sort of cheating?

nah once they remain as thoughts you are fine

Unregforall wrote: »

Also do you think telling my girlfriend about my bisexuality is prudent, as it may help deepen our understanding of eachother?

it depends how do you think she is going to react. If she really is opened minded then you should be fine. However the LL&G&B may have a better understanding of how "openminded" people are likely to react given this sort of news so you may want to ask there

LegacyUser

Am I the only one that thinks if you love your girlfriend, you're clearly heterosexual? You're pursuing the bi-sexual thing in your head, where your heterosexual relationship is the one that's grounded in reality. I don't think you have anything to tell your girlfriend really.

Xaniaj

Hrmmmm wrote: »

Am I the only one that thinks if you love your girlfriend, you're clearly heterosexual?

Yes?

To the OP, I don't think its a huge issue to be honest. You're in a monogamous relationship and have every intention of staying that way. While long term, it's best to be honest with your partner, it might be best to broach with caution. There is still a lot of stigma attached to being bi (possibly more so than being gay).

In the end of the day, either your gf trusts you or not.

Nevyn

Hrmmmm wrote: »

Am I the only one that thinks if you love your girlfriend, you're clearly heterosexual? You're pursuing the bi-sexual thing in your head, where your heterosexual relationship is the one that's grounded in reality. I don't think you have anything to tell your girlfriend really.

No.

A person can never have kissed anyone and still be attracted to both men and women physically and sexually and that is what makes them Bisexual.

LegacyUser

Sorry I work late.
Thank you for all the replies.
I guess I wanted to vent a bit last night. I suppose my issue with the fantasies(other than my partner) was something that all people learn to deal with and accept. So in one respect the sexual nature of the fantasies had no real consequence. I was just confused by the contrasting nature of the fantasies and some how thought this was some sort of 'cheating'. I think I was over analyzing(no sniggers) the situation.
I am just going to accept them as all they are, a good bit of fun the odd time and not, as others have suggested, obsess about them.
In terms of whether bi/gay guys are less faithful or have had more partners. I don't buy it. In fact my girlfriend has been with more people than me. Not that that is good or bad its just an observation.
Shelli is right I don't want to make a big deal out of this. Even though my posting here make clear to all of you this has been on my mind. I'll get around to it some time.
I would like her to know and think it important that she know but I don't want to make a big fanfare of it.....

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

No.

A person can never have kissed anyone and still be attracted to both men and women physically and sexually and that is what makes them Bisexual.

My point is that the OP seems to think this is of massive relevance to his girlfriend. I repeat; girlfriend. I think he has already made his choice. Everyone has fantasies, it doesn't mean you love what/who you are fantasising about.

Nevyn

Hrmmm wrote: »

My point is that the OP seems to think this is of massive relevance to his girlfriend. I repeat; girlfriend. I think he has already made his choice. Everyone has fantasies, it doesn't mean you love what/who you are fantasising about.

What is it with people assuming that a just because a person is bisexual and they are in a relationship with someone they stop being bisexual and automatically become homo or hetro based on the gender of their partner ?

It doesn't work that way, they are still bisexual.


Unregforall I hope things work out well for you.

Aurora Borealis

Hrmmm wrote: »

My point is that the OP seems to think this is of massive relevance to his girlfriend. I repeat; girlfriend. I think he has already made his choice. Everyone has fantasies, it doesn't mean you love what/who you are fantasising about.

I totally agree that fantasies are just fantasies and not love nor would I expect my boyfriend to tell me his every thought or turn on if he didn't want to. OP does however say in first post that he knows he's bisexual so he does identify as such and the fact that he thinks it might be of "massive relevance" to his girlfriend would imply it is to him.