Friendship, love, what can survive this?

LegacyUser

Met a girl, let’s call her Mary, last September and totally fell for her (in a what an amazing person she is sort of way). She became a very good friend, maybe my best friend, perhaps even girlfriend-ish at times (other people thought we were in a relationship) but I grew to accept nothing was going to happen, she in a 3.5 year relationship (although they had been far apart for some time), saw her as a good friend and moved on.

Then met a second girl, let’s call her Anne, in November. Felt real chemistry for her (maybe first time that happened so quickly) and while things took their time, had the sweetest beginnings of a romance (almost out of a movie). Survived six weeks of not seeing each other which probably brought us even closer together after, and things were progressing well.

This bring us to January. Mary had broken up with her boyfriend in December and started behaving a little very strangely around me and I had a good idea of what was coming and a short while later, she declared her strong feelings for me and my own feelings started coming back.

This coincided with the time Anne started behaving bizarrely around me (and at the time I really didn’t understand why, but now I do, mutual ‘friends’ were feeding her information about Mary whom she had always been a little bit suspicious of even when there ws nothing) and I ended up started to have thoughts like if I was with Mary, she wouldn’t have done this to me…. and by the time I started having such thoughts, instead of giving it time, I too quickly concluded it wouldn’t work (although I was deeply infatuated with her and in an in-love sort of way).

Continued my close friendship with Mary but pretty much withdrew from everything else for a few weeks due to exams (and Mary did too) and once these were over, early March, and felt I had thought things ove, starting taking things slowly with Mary… and then realised once I started to reciprocate and show something in return, she started doing the opposite.

And these have been a pretty unsatisfying few weeks (to be honest, I wonder if we’re even in a relationship much of the time). While I fully respect her need for time/space, she has gone from being a friend I adore and thought I managed to reason with like no one else to someone I perceive as selfish and who subjects me to her every little doubt ‘our relationship’ in the name of being straight with one another. When I get mixed signals most of the time, I consciously or subconsciously return mixed signals, and then get the blame for it… I accept much of this because I like her, because of how she kinda warned me that’s she’s an indecisive person, but at the same time, I wonder how much more I can take and am started to seriously ponder if a friendship is even rescuable from this.

I’m also wondering where exactly I went wrong in all this. I suppose writing it and seeing what I’ve written, I’ve got part of my answer….

Seraphina

your mistake was getting into a relationship, of any kind (no matter how slow you were taking it) with someone who was barely a month out of a 3.5/4 year relationship.

you should have stuck with anne.

Mazeire

Anne started acting weird because she sensed something was brewuing between you and Mary and she wasn't wrong or paranoid was she?

You were Mary's rebound boy.

You got a case of grass is greener syndrome decided to hop to the other side of the fence and lost. Game over. draw a line under it, learn from it and move on.

Burnt Toast

This happened to me before, and being brutally honest, i just picked the better looking one of the two.

It's worked out for the best, still with the one i picked.

Abi

confusedlove wrote: »

she kinda warned me that’s she’s an indecisive person

That would have sent me running for the hills. You can never get 100% from someone who says that to you imo. Its just a fancy sum-up for a pretty messy and complicated past. I don't think she has the capicity to be with you, her ex, or anyone else for that matter.

You should have stuck with Anne. Is there anything that could be salvaged there?

Clearly a case of falling between two stools here.

Mr. Incognito

grass is greener. you were Mary's rebound and burnt anne so i'd say that's toast. dump Mary- she needs head space.

go have some me time man. one woman is enough bloody work- two is just asking for trouble.

Overheal

Seraphina wrote: »

your mistake was getting into a relationship, of any kind (no matter how slow you were taking it) with someone who was barely a month out of a 3.5/4 year relationship.

you should have stuck with anne.

agreed.

muppetkiller

Stick with Anne. If Mary really cared about you she wouldn't have stayed going out with her Boyfriend the first time.

Dragan

Seraphina wrote: »

your mistake was getting into a relationship, of any kind (no matter how slow you were taking it) with someone who was barely a month out of a 3.5/4 year relationship.

you should have stuck with anne.

Very much agree with this.

It doesn't sound like you are looking for a specific relationship with anyone, just subconciously looking for A Relationship.

Overheal

Mary is only ever going to treat you like the rebound guy methinks. She needs her alone time to sort out the 4 year relationship she just got out of. And what became of Anne?

Wibbs

confused guy wrote:

because of how she kinda warned me that’s she’s an indecisive person,

As Abigail wrote, major warning sign. People will often tell exactly what they're like if you listen. This is her telling you that she'll hang around you, feed off you emotionally while she works through the old relationship in her head, but as she's told you she's indecisive then it won't be her fault when she drops you and either goes back to 3 year guy or someone completely new. How could it be her fault. She did tell you after all. mad but true.

You've got rebound/interim bloke written all over your face. I personally have a guide whereby I wouldn't get anyway serious with anyone less than 6 months out of a heavy long termer(mainly the 2/3 yr breakup where the honeymoons ended with the ex). At best you end up being a rebounder/interim guy. This is especially true of a certain type of woman that needs male attention and can't be on her own.

I've seen the results personally and with my mates. I knew one guy started with a woman out of a two year deal two months after the split. They lasted well, very hot and heavy for nearly a year. Guess what "out of the blue" she goes back to the ex. I've seen that played out on 3 occasions with the self same pattern. The chances of this go up massively if there was any overlap or it happened within weeks or a month. I can't think of one single good long termer that came out of that scenario. You would want to be the guy that she wants after she clears her head with someone else.

Funny if the ex relationship was for longer, above say 5 years this doesn't seem to be the case.

That's my experience anyway.

chuci

you were marys rebound guy. draw a line in the sand. anything can be salvaged with anne?

littlefriend

Some of the reason you were interested in Mary was because she was with someone else. Apart from that you only met her last Sept so there is no way you could possibly know her well. She sounds spoilt to be honest so you should probably remove her from your life. You don't need that sort of crap messing w/ your head.
Anne's behaviour is totally understandable. Do you think you should try to get her back? Don't go back to her unless you really want to be with her. I do think that you should explain what happened to her...if nothing else she'll probably feel better about what went on.
No matter what you decide to do you don't need Mary in your life

Overheal

littlefriend wrote: »

Some of the reason you were interested in Mary was because she was with someone else.

Not sure how true that is. More often I switch off when someone is taken. No guy wants to get a girl to cheat for the hell of it. Not that I know of anyway; and thats even when you add my philanthropic brother :pac:

littlefriend

Sorry I meant to change that but forgot to. What I meant was it was easy to put her on a pedestal and think she was the perfect woman because as she was in a long term relationship there was no risk there, also, OP was probably seeing the best side of her - her boyfriend was dealing with the bad moods etc. Not sure if that makes sense..

Overheal

No risk in fantasizing about an attached girl?

Until a situation like this crops up. Then youre in danger of jumping up to be the rebound guy.

littlefriend

yes but when he was becoming friendly with her/deciding she was marvelous he wasn't expecting her to break up with the other guy.
Anyway, it was just a thought

Overheal

I suppose thats true. I have at times been a total flirt with some people's girlfriends knowing full well it was platonic. But I guess if you cross wires you may get this ^^^

littlefriend

guess he should have known to leave it and that she'd heal over time

Overheal

littlefriend wrote: »

guess he should have known to leave it and that she'd heal over time

:rolleyes: was that a jab?

littlefriend

more a bad joke

Wagon

Feck Mary, she's on the rebound. Remember what you've learned and go to a strip club

LegacyUser

OP again.

Thanks for the replies; much appreciated and I suppose I should have realised it a long time ago.

Re. Mary’s relationship, while it officially ended in December, she hadn’t seen the guy since September (not that it makes a difference I suppose)

I don’t think I just fell for Mary because she was attached, in fact quite the opposite and usually I’d run a mile from anyone who has a boyfriend.

I’ve been down the road enough times to know when one is attracted by something deeper (although I know there’s plenty to learn) and to be honest, even if it’s ‘only been since September’ I know her, I felt I knew her better/quicker than I did with most people… well until I started this ‘relationship’ with her and I started being bitter.

I also wouldn’t quite say I was just looking for any relationship. Been a good 15 months since the end of my last serious anything and for some reason it just happened I met two people I was really attracted to in a short space of time (new surroundings, people, etc.) and that’s never really happened before, and I’m not someone who finds relationships or meeting girls I like easy, unfortunately.

The rebound assessment wasn’t my first though. I was rather thinking she suddenly got jealous when she saw me going out with another girl and feared she’d lose her close friend. But the rebound is probably just as fair-accurate.

Unfortunately I don’t think anything can be rescued with Anne, Mary made quite sure of that (and that’s another story….).