Found out something.....

LegacyUser

I dont know why im putting this up here- i think its a rant more than needing advice.

Im 22, my mam died when i was a baby (i was 2) and my dad remarried within 2 years. My stepmother is lovely but recently i found out something that has sickned me.

My father and my stepmother began an affair while my mother was in hospital dying. I feel violently sick even thinking about it i really do.I found out from my sister last week, and she is just as angry at me. I saw my father today and all i thought was "How could you" , i know people have affairs all the time but this is while my mother was dying. She mothered his kids i mean WTF!!! I know it was 20 odd years ago but im just as disgusted as i would have been if it had happened yesterday

Talliesin

the_op_:( wrote: »

i know people have affairs all the time but this is while my mother was dying.

So it was at a time when he was particularly vulnerable emotionally?

cowzerp

I dont mean to be bad but they could of been in a non relationship for a long time before your mother passed on, the fact that they are still together just tells you that it was the real deal and not just a random affair..

Overheal

I'd say he was extremely vulnerable at the time. You're angry now but have you been able to really empathise with his point of view yet? How differently would your life have turned out if the opposite had happened: he never loved anyone else, and raise you kids by himself?

You have the right to be angry. But whats his side of the story? And how did you find out?

LegacyUser

It was an affair and my aunt caught them in bed 2 weeks before my mother passed away, hence why she wont talk to my father anymore. I dont care if he was vunerable my mother was dying and he didnt have the common curtisy to wait until she had passed, she wasnt cold in her grave and he got engaged:(

Overheal

So you've heard it from your Mother's sister (yes?) , who obviously is going to have a strong disposition. What does your Father say about it?

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

So you've heard it from your Mother's sister (yes?) , who obviously is going to have a strong disposition. What does your Father say about it?

as stated in the orginal post i heard from my sister,who found a letter my dad had written regarding it.

he says it was years ago and none of my business, but it is my business if he was shagging someone else while my mother was dying how dare he!!!!!

dudara

the_op_:( wrote: »

he says it was years ago and none of my business, but it is my business if he was shagging someone else while my mother was dying how dare he!!!!!

How is it your business? How old were you at the time, and how old are you now? How did your mother's passing affect you? Your anger at this seems quite strong, so I'm wondering how all of it affected you at the time.

Sherifu

Let it go OP, it's not your burden to carry.

Overheal

I meant to ask if your source of detail was your aunt.

Early days yet. Meaning this just came back to light for everyone involved. Understandably he doesn't want to talk about it. I suspect he will in short order though.

While you wait, you do need to get this off your chest. Speak with whomever you feel appropriate about it. Personally, I would try and get down to spending some time thinking about what impact your Step-Mother has had on your life. Has it been good?

We're all going to have things we want to hold over people. For you its this; for me it was my Dad getting drunk and beating up my Mom. For a long time I led myself to believe that the event had somehow ruined my entire life (it had an impact, sure) and for ten years afterward I held resentment toward him.

Eventually you stop being blinded by hate and take a look around, realising how good you have it. How good that person actually has treated you. And most importantly: one way or another things seem to happen of their own accord: if not for the incident my parents would have still split up, surely.

Which is why I'm asking have they not been good parents to you? Don't carry this around. Its not worth it.

Don't kid yourself either: you claim your mad because it happened 2 weeks before the death; you would be just as mad if it happened 2 weeks after.

themadchef

Overheal wrote: »

I meant to ask if your source of detail was your aunt.

Early days yet. Meaning this just came back to light for everyone involved. Understandably he doesn't want to talk about it. I suspect he will in short order though.

While you wait, you do need to get this off your chest. Speak with whomever you feel appropriate about it. Personally, I would try and get down to spending some time thinking about what impact your Step-Mother has had on your life. Has it been good?

We're all going to have things we want to hold over people. For you its this; for me it was my Dad getting drunk and beating up my Mom. For a long time I led myself to believe that the event had somehow ruined my entire life (it had an impact, sure) and for ten years afterward I held resentment toward him.

Eventually you stop being blinded by hate and take a look around, realising how good you have it. How good that person actually has treated you. And most importantly: one way or another things seem to happen of their own accord: if not for the incident my parents would have still split up, surely.

Which is why I'm asking have they not been good parents to you? Don't carry this around. Its not worth it.

Don't kid yourself either: you claim your mad because it happened 2 weeks before the death; you would be just as mad if it happened 2 weeks after.

Great Post!

Try to talk to your dad, and more importantly try to understand what he may have been going through at the time. Everything is always black and white. Don't let the past eat into your future.

Loopy

I can totally understand you being so annoyed over this, yes your dads timing was $hit, but they have been together a very long time now and you said your stepmother was lovely.

Try leave the past be, I know your totally justified in feeling very annoyed with your Dad at the moment but imagine if he had spent the last 20 yrs alone?

seraphimvc

even he deserved to be hang to dead or what,OP,IMO,let it passed.life is tough enough ,people just want to have a better day.just dont think about the past .he loves and raises you all these years,be thankful = this is enough for you to forgive the old man?

SarahSassy

OP, I know its no comfort but its actually more common than you realise. I know of two other couples who started their relationship (1 now married) like this...

Your Father was weak but he is not the only weak person out there and you cannot change the past.

Im not sure if you have gotten a further explanation from him.... I would ask him face to face what happened, I do think you have a right to know... He just doesnt want to tip the status quo after all these years....

LegacyUser

the_op_:( wrote: »

It was an affair and my aunt caught them in bed 2 weeks before my mother passed away, hence why she wont talk to my father anymore. I dont care if he was vunerable my mother was dying and he didnt have the common curtisy to wait until she had passed, she wasnt cold in her grave and he got engaged:(

OP, to be fair, you dont know what he was going through, you don't know the situation. Get off your high horse.

nojunkmaill

You don't know the full details..Finding out like this can't be good though but so much time has passed now.

You don't know what the situation was - Your mother may have been happy for your father to be with someone again, knowing that she wouldn't be around for much longer. Who knows, she may have been happy with the situation.

People, however, are always going to have problems with this, they see it as deceit etc but you will never know the full story.

Your Dad is happy now, be happy for and with him.

Seriously, no point in dragging this up!

Kanoe

I'd say what a bastard if I were in that situation too. Even if it weren't your father in the situation, personal judgment tends to gravitate toward the moral implications of knowing someone was screwing around while their wife lay dying.
As it happens 22 seems to be around the time when we really see our parents as just other people going about their own lives. Seeing your father as the man he is will no doubt will affect the perception you once had of him, but if you can begin to see him as just another person, without that emotional attachment, you will eventually move on and grow out of how you feel right now.
Growing up is hard.

rs

the_op_:( wrote: »

as stated in the orginal post i heard from my sister,who found a letter my dad had written regarding it.

he says it was years ago and none of my business, but it is my business if he was shagging someone else while my mother was dying how dare he!!!!!

You do have a right to upset over this. From a perfectly moral stand-point what he did was pretty awful. I suspect he probably regrets it to this day, which is why he doesn't want to talk about it.

But, I've never had to watch my wife dying knowing that I had very young kids to look after. I can't imagine what he was going through at the time. Let's face it, he would not have been in a great mental state to begin with. It's very easy to judge him, but you were not in his shoes at the time. None of us were.

You have not said anything else negative about your dad or your step-mum. It sounds like they are good people and raised you well. Hopefully in time you'll be able to forgive him.

Good luck

Dizzyblonde

OP you don't know what your father was going through or how hard it was for him to cope at the time. It obviously was a case of love and not just a fling because they're still together, and if I was dying and leaving young children I'd be very glad there was somebody willing to rear them and mother them.
Think about what your life would be like if your father had reared you alone? You might be disgusted that they were together while your mother was dying but your dad's right - it's none of your business. Try not to be so quick to judge.

Nevyn

So you are going to give out to your parents, the people who have loved and raised you for the last twenty years ?

You don't know what your boilogical father'd and mother's relationship was like at the time
you only have the say so from your mother's sister who is always going to be biased and who it sounds like is shít stirring.

I would not assume that your dead mother was a saint, it is very unlikely that either your father or your aunt will speak ill of the dead.

And how do you know know that your dead mother did not encourage him to find someone else who could be a mother to you ?

I know someone who had cancer and 2 young kids and set her husband up with one of her friends who she knew would look after them all.

Amazotheamazing

Easy for you to be the judge OP, after all, you've no way of knowing what your father went through.

How long was your mother sick? How was your parents realtionship before she got sick? How many children did he have to raise? He was probably under a multitude of pressures, but rather than you be an adult and deal with it, you could just continue judging him.

DadaKopf

OP, I was in a similar situation when my mother was dying, except I was 17 at the time. I had my suspicious that my Dad was having an affair, but there were more important things to worry about. Later, it became very clear that Dad had met someone else, but the timeline was hazy.

It eventually became clear in my mind that he was indeed having an affair when my mother was dying (she had been ill for years, and he kept it from us that her first operation was unsuccessful - that she'd die within a few years).

I'm still very angry, but I've learned to accept that my Dad is really a good man, and he loved my mother very much. I can't imagine the pain he was suffering then, but I know it was very intense. To see your wife leave you and your children so slowly. In time, I came to understand how much he needed someone, and while I still think what he did was wrong, I've come to accept his vulnerability at the time, and that nobody is perfect.

I know that he still misses my mother every day, and that his new woman will never replace her. And she knows it, too.

I know it's tough. But in time, you'll come to understand and accept, but the anger and sadness will probably always be there, too.

Amazotheamazing

DadaKopf wrote: »

OP, I was in a similar situation when my mother was dying, except I was 17 at the time. I had my suspicious that my Dad was having an affair, but there were more important things to worry about. Later, it became very clear that Dad had met someone else, but the timeline was hazy.

It eventually became clear in my mind that he was indeed having an affair when my mother was dying (she had been ill for years, and he kept it from us that her first operation was unsuccessful - that she'd die within a few years).

I'm still very angry, but I've learned to accept that my Dad is really a good man, and he loved my mother very much. I can't imagine the pain he was suffering then, but I know it was very intense. To see your wife leave you and your children so slowly. In time, I came to understand how much he needed someone, and while I still think what he did was wrong, I've come to accept his vulnerability at the time, and that nobody is perfect.

I know that he still misses my mother every day, and that his new woman will never replace her. And she knows it, too.

I know it's tough. But in time, you'll come to understand and accept, but the anger and sadness will probably always be there, too.

Why are you angry?

Most children will never know what really happens behind closed doors with their parents relationships, especially when a parent is terminally ill. I don't think you can really have a valid insight into either the relationship or your father's state of mind at the time.

Aurora Borealis

This is a serious pill for you to swallow and I can but imagine how confusing it must feel but I do think the fact that he is still with this woman means it was more than just some meaningless affair and there are true feelings there. Your Dad must have been under serious emotional stress and strain during your Mothers illness and maybe didn't have the strength to go it alone. We are all human with many many flaws. Maybe if you try and talk to him and tell him you just want to know what did happen and feel it is your business because all three are pivotal people in your life. But do be prepared to hear him out without judging him. If you do, it might clear things up for you both and give him some peace of mind too as I suspect the fact that he is not eager to discuss it is because he still feels some guilt around it.

I hope you find some peace with it.

AB.

Overheal

I can only imagine how hard it is to continue pouring all of your love into someone you know is going to die. I would think you would need to find something else before that happened: how much of you would that destroy otherwise? Have you ever seen someone in love when their Other Half has been ripped away from them out of nowhere? He may never have been the same person. He would have spent so much time mourning and lamenting to the point of feeling dead inside that he would never have looked after you and your sister properly.

I doubt it was some magical lightswitch OP - he didn't just one day switch off your mother, then when she died go "well thats ok I have yer one now." I'd say he still spent a long time with the whole ordeal. Death is really not best faced alone. Fortunately neither your Mother nor your Dad had to.

As Thaed was saying, your Mom had your Father in the end if he chose to keep it secret from her; Else if he had told her, then she went with the comfort knowing he was going to be OK enough to look after you. Look at it any way you want, but I highly suspect she went peacefully. Be thankful for that.

DadaKopf

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Why are you angry?

Most children will never know what really happens behind closed doors with their parents relationships, especially when a parent is terminally ill. I don't think you can really have a valid insight into either the relationship or your father's state of mind at the time.

This isn't my thread. I was just offering a personal perspective to the OP. These experiences are so personal and intense that what seems 'rational' to a person on the outside just isn't the way it goes when it actually happens.

John Mason

the_op_:( wrote: »

as stated in the orginal post i heard from my sister,who found a letter my dad had written regarding it.

he says it was years ago and none of my business, but it is my business if he was shagging someone else while my mother was dying how dare he!!!!!

This has absolutely nothing to do with you. let it go and grow up. This is a common occurance, your mother was terminal, he turned to a friend or whatever for some comfort and support and a ralationship grew out of it. I am sure your childhood would have a lot less happy without your stepmother

How Strange

OP, while it's understandable that you are angry as it seems like a betrayal of your (dying) mother; this is really a situation where you have to act like an adult rather than a child.

You have to be able to see that no matter what you feel is right and wrong about the start of your fathers relationship with your stepmother; he was (probably) a young man looking after a dying wife with two young children to raise.

I may be shot down for this generalisation but most men just couldn't cope with that type of pressure and sadness. They need a woman; a wife for them and mother for their children.

You really need to try to understand how your father felt at that time. I doubt you could even comprehend the sadness and the fear he was feeling.
Try to talk to your Dad about this again but don't take an accusatory tone with him. Ask him to tell you about the situation he found himself in.

Overheal

We will take your silence as... humble acceptance? :evilPinkyinFinger:

Kanoe

Overheal wrote: »

We will take your silence as... humble acceptance? :evilPinkyinFinger:

srsly...i think you need to find a new hobby

nacho libre

the_op_:( wrote: »

I dont know why im putting this up here- i think its a rant more than needing advice.

Im 22, my mam died when i was a baby (i was 2) and my dad remarried within 2 years. My stepmother is lovely but recently i found out something that has sickned me.

My father and my stepmother began an affair while my mother was in hospital dying. I feel violently sick even thinking about it i really do.I found out from my sister last week, and she is just as angry at me. I saw my father today and all i thought was "How could you" , i know people have affairs all the time but this is while my mother was dying. She mothered his kids i mean WTF!!! I know it was 20 odd years ago but im just as disgusted as i would have been if it had happened yesterday

If i was in your situation i would feel digusted and angry too. no matter the state of the relationship between your mother and father i think his actions were deplorable.
Even if he had fallen out of love with your mother it's reprehensible to sleep with someone else while the mother of your children is dying.
He ****ed up big time. However, all that said he is your father so don't let this blight all the years of happiness you've had with him since. if you must have it out with him do so, but don't let this fester and affect your relationship with him. Afterall, you only have one dad and he could be gone forever at anytime. You really don't want the guilt of that situation if this issue is unresolved.

b3t4

A friend of the family became terminally ill with Motor Neuron Disease (a horrible, horrible disease). He was ill for a number of years. His wife in that time grew close to a friend of hers which ended up developing into a relationship. As hard as it was her husband gave his blessing to the relationship. Other people too were very understanding of the situation the woman was in.

OP you're father deserves you're love and understanding. As much as it's hard to realise you're father is human and has needs and wants like anyone else. He must of been going through the most awful time of his life. Isn't it nice to know that just like you had your father to lean on at the time he too had someone who loved him to lean on.

A

starlight07

dudara wrote: »

How is it your business? How old were you at the time, and how old are you now? How did your mother's passing affect you? Your anger at this seems quite strong, so I'm wondering how all of it affected you at the time.

have some compassion mate, regardless of how it affected her at the time it is obviously a very hurtful thing to deal with. The person she knows as her father turns out to have a side to him that NOBODY would wish to learn about a parent. I understand why the OP is so upset, I would be devostated and quite resentful towards both my father and stepmother.

The only advice I can offer to OP would be to talk to someone. You shouldnt have to deal with this on your own, youre aunt understandibly has a very negative opionion of your father so you wont benifit from speaking about the matter with only her, you will only end up being even more angry.

All the best and hopefully you can salvage some sort of relationship with your father.