Is it possible to get over your friend?

Mixedup

Catch 22,

been mad about a very close friend for years now..i'll never tell him because i know its not mutual, there's always been something between us but obviously not enough for him as when we talked about it i could tell he will always see me as a friend and nothing more.

We've kissed, fooled around and even slept together once or twice and latley its really been getting to me, because i'm starting to wonder if it is a friendship we have at all, or is it just because i'm in love with him that i want to spend time with him?
We're best friends and see each other nearly every day, i don't know what i'd do without him but at the same time i think i might be just driving myself mad by seeing him all the time?

can i get over this or do i need to cut him out of my life? how could i even explain why i was doing that he'd see it as losing his best friend, i know he cares about me, but as i said, just not enough to consider taking it further i guess..

sorry for rambling on..any advice would be greatly appreciated..

aoife000

Mixedup wrote: »

We've kissed, fooled around and even slept together once or twice and latley its really been getting to me, because i'm starting to wonder if it is a friendship we have at all, or is it just because i'm in love with him that i want to spend time with him?

just a very quick reply gotta run, but the first think i need to say is that if u ever want and intend to get over him, you simply cannot be together. cannot kiss or fool around and definitely can't sleep together. if ur doing this you'll never be able to get him out of ur head.

Dudess

Eh sorry, but since when do "friends" take advantage of the fact that you want to be more than friends and use you for sex? Different if it was a f**k-buddy thing and you were on a level playing field but that seems like a rather weird "friendship".

Jack B. Badd

Mixedup wrote: »

Catch 22,

been mad about a very close friend for years now..i'll never tell him because i know its not mutual, there's always been something between us but obviously not enough for him as when we talked about it i could tell he will always see me as a friend and nothing more.

I'm confused. You'll never tell him that you're mad about him but you've talked about it? This seems like a total contradiction imo.
Also, did you talk to him about how you feel (if this is in fact the "it" you talked about) before or after you slept together? If he knows you like him and slept with you even though he doesn't feel the same way then it sounds like he's taking advantage of your feelings to get laid. If this is the case, then I agree with Dudess - it doesn't sound like much of a friendship imo.

Wagon

Dudess wrote: »

Eh sorry, but since when do "friends" take advantage of the fact that you want to be more than friends and use you for sex? Different if it was a f**k-buddy thing and you were on a level playing field but that seems like a rather weird "friendship".

Yep, pretty much bang on the nail. If he knows where you stand then he wouldn't be shagging you when he felt like it. You're going to have to cut him out for a while until your over him, probably the only thing you can do in these situations.

Balmed Out

Dudess wrote: »

Eh sorry, but since when do "friends" take advantage of the fact that you want to be more than friends and use you for sex? Different if it was a f**k-buddy thing and you were on a level playing field but that seems like a rather weird "friendship".

Wait they talked about it in a general way but she never told him how she actually feels.
Therefor he didnt take advantage of how she feels.

Talliesin

Dudess wrote: »

Eh sorry, but since when do "friends" take advantage of the fact that you want to be more than friends and use you for sex?

Since human emotions got too complicated for us to be able to describe the entirety of how we feel about someone on the back of a postcard.

In other words, forever.

Just because something happens between two people that isn't to the complete advantage of either or both parties doesn't mean that one of them has to be culpable.

I do agree that having sex with him is bad for the OP as things stand.

Mixedup

thanks for the replies, i wasnt really clear tho, when i say we talked about it,
you know how those conversations go when there's so much i could have said if i thought there was a chance i'd hear it back but since i know i wont, i never actually admit how i feel about him.

We have both acknowledged that there's an attraction, and i guess that coupled with how close we are (i doubt there's anything we couldn't talk about), is leading to blurry boundries or something..its just i know i'd be happy with him, where as obviously he is looking for something else..

i don't feel used, because i know he just thinks i feel the same way he does..'best friends a bit confused' or something! he'd never intentionally hurt me, but i'm my own worst enemy because i never do anything to stop it, even tho i know i should because at the end of the day its me who gets hurt..

don't get me wrong ive had boyfriends over the last few years, and he always has girlfriends on the go, but im afraid if i dont get over him, no one can compare to him..

should i cut him off for a while at the risk of losing a precious friendship, or keep him around at the risk of losing my sanity/will to live;)..

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd suggest to stop seeing each other every day, maybe demote him as a best friend, hang out less but not cut him out altogether.

How would you feel if he started seeing one of your friends? Would you still want to be his friend then?

In relation to your question, yes I do think you spend all your time with him because you're in love with him. Doesn't mean he's not a decent guy and that you wouldn't spend time with him otherwise, but it is likely that's why you're happy to devote so much time.

If he's really your best friend he should be able to understand it. Usually it's the male who fancies his best friend & it's usually awkward & messy when he tells her. However when it's the other way round most guys don't really care. My money says he's well aware of your feelings.

What's it like when either of you are in a relationship with someone else?

Overheal

Sadly Ive never heard of friends that would do that for me..

No, to me it doesnt sound like a friendship at all. If you have gone that far with each other and nothing has happened in regard to a meaningful relationship, then you are being used.

He may care enough to feel bad when he does so, but as long as you keep letting him do it all it does is help him validate himself, and his actions. If he cared on any real level, you would have seen it already.

You see something is wrong but you're love-blind at the minute: I've been there before. At the time it seems well and good and you want to believe this person cares for you in some non-superficial way. Then you break free, look back, and can see just how much of yourself they nearly destroyed. Get away from him.

Mixedup

its the exact same when we're with other people really..

we talk about our relationships and give advice etc.. we have been with each other while we have been with other people and neither of us felt guilty (how sick is that) because we put it down to 'us' and 'us' wasn't something anyone else could come between blah blah (as i write this im starting to see a ****ed up pattern here)

i know i'd never have a right to be jealous, even if i was though no one would know, i'd be a closed book that way. I put our friendship first, i dont want you to think that by giving advice i'd have selfish motives or try and sabotage any relationship he has, but i've often sabotaged my own through pure lack of interest because they just can't compare with my best friend..

we spend the vast majority of our time hanging out as normal friends we're not always in bed or anything, but it has happened more than once!

What used to keep me going is that he always says that we'll probably end up together (when, after he's had his fun?), but i'm not delusional i know that if he doesnt want me now he's never going to want me that way..

i'm not a cling on either, its not like i sit ringing him or calling over every ten minutes (i'd be conscious of that kind of behaviour, because my pride wouldn't let me carry on like that!)

man i need more hobbies...or a new group of friends or something..

Mixedup

i think i agree with you Overheal...

i'm moving out next year..that might help.. we've lived 5mins away from each other since we were kids (23 now), maybe i'll move far far away...

MIN2511

Something to keep at the back of your mind; if he'll cheat on someone with you he'll cheat on you with someone else while dating!
I had a friendship similar to yours, and boy was it heart wrenching... didn't know what we wanted e.t.c. It's not necessarily friends with benefits anymore, it's just cant be described.
My 2c, define your relationship and stick with it!
It's easier said than done but thats the way life is, it's easy to give advice but hard to take any

Jack B. Badd

Mixedup wrote: »

we have been with each other while we have been with other people and neither of us felt guilty (how sick is that) because we put it down to 'us' and 'us' wasn't something anyone else could come between blah blah (as i write this im starting to see a ****ed up pattern here)

I'm not trying to trivialise your situation but this reads like a bad American sitcom imo. Two characters destined to be together and they almost but don't quite get together for however many seasons of the show but you know that no matter who they're going out with or get married to ultimately they'll get together at the end. It's oh so romantic because no one else has ever felt about another person the way they feel about each other and it justifies cheating, etc. because theirs isn't like any other relationship, it's "different". The only problem you have is that your life isn't a sitcom and you know it.

For your own good, you need to at least cut back on the amount of time that you see him.

rainbowtrout

OP - I was in the exact same situation as you a number of years ago. I was really good friends with this guy in college and we spent a fair bit of time together and could talk about anything. I did start to fancy him and a couple of months after that we ended up kissing one night, same happened the next night we were out, and then he told me he didn't want a relationship with me, was just out of one etc, etc. Not quite closing the door, but allowing me to think maybe. This happened a number of times over the course of about 18 months where things did go further, I never slept with him but it came pretty close. We still remained good friends throughout despite him knowing how I felt. College finished, we both moved away, I started seeing someone else, it finished and I went to visit him a couple of days later. He tried it on again that night and I said no. (At this point I had got my act together and knew this was not going to do me any good in the long run, and I was all over the place after the relationship i had just come out of - if he had been concerned for me, he wouldn't have tried it on). Literally overnight his attitude to me changed. He barely spoke to me the following day, didn't even react when i had packed to leave, I barely got a grunt of acknowledgement on my departure, there were a couple of emails and texts after that, cold and curt, within weeks the friendship was over, contact between us was non-existant.

It was a shame at the time to lose him as a friend as we had a lot in common, but in the long run, it wasn't worth having him as a friend if it meant it was on condition that I kiss him etc at his convenience, no strings attached and that he would never give anything back. That's not what a friend does to you. So I didn't bother contacting him anymore. And I was all the better for it.

Anyway OP, the point I'm trying to make is, you will have to stop all physical contact with him, no kissing, no sleeping with him. He is using you. I am sure he is perfectly aware of how you feel and is using it to his advantage. Telling you that 'we will probably end up together' is the carrot he is enticing you with. It will make you think, maybe next time, he will tell me he feels the same/wants a relationship. It keeps you coming back for more, he gets what he wants without the hassle of a relationship, but you don't get what you want. Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free? Even if you are having relationships with other people, it will always be at the back of your mind that maybe you could still be together, and that has happened, already because you have said you have slept with him while being with somone else.

Cut the physical relations, if he is a true friend (which I have my doubts about) he will still be your friend, and if the friendship falters and he doesn't want to spend as much time with you with new boundaries in place, he was never much of a friend to begin with.

littlefriend

It could be me from about 4-5 years ago writing your threads. God I was in such a mess - had zero self confidence and was so so down on myself. I used to think 'why would he want to be with me' type stuff, was totally convinced that he was way too good for me, didn't want to embarrass him by forcing the issue and asking him what was going on between us.

We were 'best friends' too. Friends with benefits as they say - He was always telling me how I was the one he was going to marry - no one else came close. He was happy enough to sleep with me privately but I'd often hear him say to people how we were so close I was like a sister to him. A a christmas party he snogged an acquaintance of mine in front of me. What could I say to that - nothing - we weren't in a relationship I had no right. Each thing took an extra chip off my self confidence. Eventually, one small thing happened and it really broke me. I moved away, got some cognitive therapy and pretty much haven't looked back.

Only solution I can see for something like this is to walk away. Its damn hard but you have to protect yourself. Explain what you are doing to him - if you can't have the conversation face to face then write to him or something. Then walk - you never know he might follow you.

ps At the moment you are ok w/ him being with other girls. I'm guessing that is because he isn't serious about any of them. For your own sake don't be around when he falls for someone.

Mixedup

thanks so much for all your replies, i thought that no one would write back because as someone pointed out, it is like a bad sit com or soap opera, and i thought i was coming across a bit melodramatic, but i can't help it, its bothering me more than anything else, and i have plenty more important things i should be worrying about!

You're all right, i think things will definitely be easier when i move out next year, its the childhood friends, close families etc that make it hard to walk away right now, but all physical contact has to stop, and it will, much as it will take every ounce of willpower i have!

I'm glad that I'm not the only one whoever felt like this, and that you all got over it, coz i was starting to think i never would, and even if i ended up with someone else i'd have these feelings for him, im looking forward to getting some independance and freedom!

Again thanks for listening, its easier to write these things (for me anyway i'd never admit these things to anyone outside the computer!)

Boards is great, thanks for all the feedback you guys i appreciate it. xx

LegacyUser

I don't envy you at all OP,

i was in that situation, or something similar anyway, once myself and it nearly finished me i was so upset all the time,
You will get over him eventually, and try to remember that as wonderful as he is, there are other wonderful guys out there if you give them a chance, you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, not someone who wants the comfort of having you around to fall back on.

Find the man who'll hold your hand in public, and put your time and effort into him!

Kate253

i've been there. my "friend" and I were very close but lines got crossed a few times. we talked about it, he always said he was mad about me in a way, but not enough for a relationship, preferred me as a friend. we carried as good friends for a couple of years, stopped all physical contact, he dated, i dated. as far as i was concerned, i had gotten over any feelings for him. then we got together again a year ago, same thing. problem was that, i realised that while i had thought i'd no longer feelings for him anymore, when we got together again and he "just wanted to be friends" again, i was devastated - i had to get a grip because i was really hurt. while i didnt want to lose him as a friend, i knew the situation was out of control for me and felt that i was holding myself back deep down always hoping that we would go out together some day.

had a MAJOR chat and said that the boundaries could never be blurred again. he got a bit of a shock and and as a result we have cooled things off. we are still friends but not in the same way. we tend to only meet up as a group, no more one on one time. i miss the close friendship we had but my heart couldn't take it.

so, i my opinion, you gotta take care of yourself and take a stand! good luck!

estar

in answer to your opening question

yes it is of course.

now, first of all, he isnt really your friend any more.
in your head he has become something potentially else.
you find him attractive and are attached to him.

while it appears that he just finds you attractive
and hasnt acted on expanding the relationship.

to sleep or fool around with someone you are in love
with who is not in love with you, is very self destructive.
it will harm you and cause you to feel bad about yourself.

my advice is to confront him with your feelings.
if hes really a good friend he will listen, respect why you
have to say it, be honest with you, give you some space

and you do need the space - that means not seeing him
every day to get over him

and then when you have moved on you can be friends again

a good friend for life is a wonderful gift through lifes ups and
downs.

but honesty is the key. unrequited love is better out of the closet
in this circumstance.

take the leap, find out, take the hit if disappointment it must be
and free yourself.