Had enough of my sister.

LegacyUser

I'm posting here because I've had enough with my sister. No matter what I say is going to show you how bad she is but I can't put up with it anymore.

She's 9 years older than me and treats the whole family with no respect. She comes into my Mum's house, where she no longer lives, and bitches and moans about the state of the house. Then proceeds to tell us about how perfect her house is. When I say she bitches and moans, I actually mean she screams and roars at us about it (I know longer live here either though).

If I express any opinion against hers or call her out on her behaviour she screams at me and gets really intimidating with her body language. Simply saying 'X, can you please turn off the sound on your laptop while we're watching tv' will result in a screaming match (all screaming from her side) and eventually she will spin it round that we're all bullying her and out to get her and no one likes her. That's how I feel though, anything I say results in her screaming at me, and if she can't find anything to scream at me for then I just get one word, very terse, answers. I feel like she despites every bit of my being. It's like I anger her just by being alive. I despise this attitude as I have never done anything to her and the way she treats me is making me hate her. Despite this I still get bullied, roared at, or ignored over everything I do.

She thinks she is absolutely perfect, God's gift to mankind, but in reality it's opposite. She has a great, and difficult job. and I respect that but she is far from perfect. She is 30 and has never had a boyfriend because she can't treat anyone with respect. She has few friends and a little social life. She is always falling out with the few friends she has. This comes has no consolation to me. I hate how she treats me and I feel my only option is to just not bother anymore. I can't bother talking to her to be screamed at. But I feel like a cruel person refusing to acknowledge my sister. What should I do?

Oh, and I tried to talk to her before - explain how she made me feel. I just got screamed and roared at again for weeks on end and in the end I got to were I am now and said I wasn't talking it anymore. We didn't talk for 18 months. Now we're back to the same place again and it feels like my only option.

Sherifu

Ignore her until she cops on. She could do with learning some respect. Do you have any brothers?

irish_boy90

I agree with Sherifu

Ignore her until she cops on.
Don't know how anyone could be that bad. Would be alright if she just lost the head every now and then but not all the time

GhostInTheRuins

Why would you feel cruel for ignoring her? She's not worth your attention. She sounds like a horrible person, ignore her.

Oryx

Understanding her may not help, but it sounds to me like she is far from happy with her life, no matter how perfect she claims it is. In fact, voicing how perfect she is only shows her insecurity. She needs you to see shes doing brilliantly because she probably doesnt feel it herself. Its unfortunate that instead of seeing where her problems lie (within herself) she has chosen to blame everyone around her for doing things wrong.

All you can do, is what you are doing. Its horrible, and not what you would like, but until your sister sees what you can all see, that she needs to work on herself, you cant sit idly by and let her vent her emotions at you. Distance, and the hope that she realises what she is doing are your only option.

Marksie

Some people are detremined to learn life's lessons that hard way. She is one of those.

In the end though you are not responsible for her behaviour patterns she is.

It is up to her to realsie what she is doing and change it. If she has lasted this long and , one presumes, got what she wants then its her default option.

In the end, families tend to put up with more crap than friends would, certainly i would hone my sense of sarcasm on her and she could scream to her hearts content.
But its really difficult when there are family ties.
Still, you can't choose your family they say. But you can choose how you realte to them.
My guess is her screaming and shouting is her way of maintaining control of the situation. Inside she is probably scared and lonely and its expressing as the body armouring you are describing.

and in the end, its her problem not yours.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

It sounds like she's very lonely, has no idea how to accept and deal with the problem and is venting. I'd imagine there's a great deal of pride there, too.

My money's on doing exactly the opposite to what she wants. If she makes a comment it's because she's looking for an argument, possibly to boost he own self esteem. Instead of fighting back, agree - tell you feel her pain and that shen she wants to talk, you'll always be there. That'll confuse her at first and then make her think. That's all you have to do. Then walk away and let her make the next move. A few bouts of that and she'll either talk or leave you alone.

seahorse

KtK wrote: »

Understanding her may not help, but it sounds to me like she is far from happy with her life, no matter how perfect she claims it is.

I'd definitely agree with this; she sounds very very unhappy, and I'd be willing to bet she's also very lonely, from what you've said OP. I also agree that you ought to distance yourself from her. Some of us just have impossible siblings and I'd never suppose that somebody sharing some genes with me gave them the right to make me constantly miserable. I think you should actively ignore her and should she ever ask you why, you ought to suggest counselling to her. Needless to say you'll get screamed at for the suggestion, but that's when you just turn your back and walk away.

mattyboy20

What a bitch.She's obviously very jealous of you and annoyed that she has such a ****ty life. Don't bother making any effort with her, it's her with the problem-she needs to fix it. If she makes any more comments about the state of your mother's house or gets nasty just get your mother to tell her to leave. This girl sounds like she needs to be committed. Failing that, get a restraining order.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice so far but I've tried everything. I have ignored her, told her I'm here to talk, told her I understand what she's going through etc etc (She told us she was depressed a while ago, but was never officially diagnosed, but I was and got no support from anyone in the family) but everything brings the same response - screaming and shouting. I think you're right about her being lonely though and she is probably jealous as I went from being in the depths of despair to having a great life, and I'm only 20 so she's probably pissed off about that cause I have my whole future ahead still. Still that is NO excuse to treat me the way she does.

Marksie - some might think I'm being childish but I agree with you about being sarcastic. I tried that last night and she got so frustrated. She had no response and ended up ringing my cousin in front of me just to bitch about me. It felt like such a victory that for once she didn't bully me into submission. Again, it may seem childish but as well as keeping my distance I think giving her a taste of her own medicine is leaving her both shocked and confused. She does not appreciate being stood up to. Especially me, who she loathes for whatever reason.

LegacyUser

Seahorse - just saw your message. She went to counseling before, twice. First time the counsellor told her that we weren't treating her horribly, which she always maintains we do, and that it was her treating us like crap. She went insane and said the counsellor didn't know what they were talking about. Second counsellor said the same, and she still didn't get the message.

She refuses to see she is the problem.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

enoughisdone wrote: »

Seahorse - just saw your message. She went to counseling before, twice. First time the counsellor told her that we weren't treating her horribly, which she always maintains we do, and that it was her treating us like crap. She went insane and said the counsellor didn't know what they were talking about. Second counsellor said the same, and she still didn't get the message.

She refuses to see she is the problem.

Is it possible she already knows, but is too scared to admit it?

Miss Fluff

Marksie wrote: »

My guess is her screaming and shouting is her way of maintaining control of the situation. Inside she is probably scared and lonely and its expressing as the body armouring you are describing.

and in the end, its her problem not yours.

+1

Such a pity there is not a "naughty step" for adults eh?
When she behaves like that just walk away and refuse to engage with her. She obviously continues to do so because it invokes a reaction. Tell her calmly and reasonably next time she gets into a rage that you don't want any communication if she is unable to relate to you with the respect you deserve.

Zillah

Disown the harpy. If your circumstances allow for it, walk away and don't talk to her again.

Dudess

God, she sounds incredibly unhappy. I would say her animosity towards you in particular is definitely resentment that you have your 20s to look forward to while she pretty much destroyed her own with her behaviour. She could have made loads of friends, met a guy, but she didn't (no doubt because of her bullying) and now she's entering a decade where all those things are still possible of course, but don't happen as easily as they did at your age. It seems like she has anger and self esteem issues anyway, and instead of facing up to them, she's just letting everything eat away at her which is making life even worse for herself.

She needs to be able to see this though - or at least admit it to herself. That is the only way forward for her. Once she sees/acknowledges the above, then counselling would be a good step. Right now, what use is counselling when she won't admit to things? That would be like sending an alcoholic who refuses to face up to their addiction to AA. Anger management classes might not be a bad idea though - I don't think even she could deny she's angry.

Or... maybe she has severe depression and could do with a visit to the doctor? Whatever it is, she is clearly sabotaging any chances of happiness, and it's a shame. Because while she's not a kid any more, she's only 30 - she can't be carrying on like this for another 50+ years...

But OP, she's also not your responsibility. Don't go feeling guilty about her. Enjoy your life too. Just because she's your sister doesn't mean you have to feel burdened with her. Of course be there for her all she needs, but when she's refusing to accept the hand of friendship well there's not a lot you can do until she actually does accept it.

LegacyUser

Her behavior sounds very extreme. Is it possible that she is suffering from a personality disorder?