Emotional issues facing adoptees

floatOn

Hi all,

I'm a 38 year old adoptee from Dublin. I was adopted at 2 months old by a loving family and have known as far back as I can remember. I never really questioned my situation or had any interest in tracing my birth parents until about 5 years ago when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety following a trip to my GP for panic attacks. It was only when I did some research on depression that I thought, hey - I've had this for a while and remembered similar feelings on and off back as far as maybe 10 years old. I just didn't have a name for it.

This led me to some counseling sessions which opened up the idea that my adoption might have something to do with it all. Doh! Of course. Now, I'm not foolish enough to blame it for everything but there are certain common feelings amongst many adoptees that have been documented in numerous books that I can relate with. Things like feeling particularly down on my birthday and at family get-togethers, identity issues, fear of rejection, lack of self esteem, etc.

In light of this I decided to find out a bit more about my origins and managed to get my non identifying info from the agency. This was maybe 2 or 3 years ago and I left it at that. I'm still emotionally a bit all over the place and I feel I just scratched the surface but that was as far as I had the courage to go at the time. The counseling and reading did provide some insight into why I feel the way I do but didn't really make me feel any better.

So, I'd be interested to hear from you if you have struggled with similar issues as a result of being adopted and how you have dealt with them. Has search and reunion worked for you? Or psychotherapy / counseling? I feel the need to take the next step towards healing, I'm just not sure what it is.

Cheers.

kathy finn

hi,
how you feel is perfectly normal for an adopted person, i too had problems growing up with showing my emotions and still do. i never liked to get too close to anyone incase i was rejected, but i have learned to deal with these things it,s just the way i am.
i have been through the whole reunion process, and though it was hard, especially for someone who hates to get emotional, i found the whole process very helpful in understanding myself and realising in the end im just me not my adopted parents or not my natural parents.
i think for years i put my natural parents on some sort of pedestal and felt they would be just like me and we would get on great, but i now know they where just normal people who made mistakes too.
when your ready to search just enter it with an open mind......kathy

Kelly O'Malley

It is a scary thing,facing your issues.
I was in hysterics for weeks!
Take it at a pace you're comfortable with.
It doesn't sound like you're ready to meet your birth parents yet,that can be a seriously heavy experience if you haven't resolved the worst of your anxieties/insecurities first.
Counseling absolutely yes!
But be prepared to shop around for someone who's right for you.You'll know the right from the wrong,the right one will feel comfortable,they'll take you down paths into understanding and accepting yourself that don't stress you out too much on the way.But it's no joyride and neither is it a ride you can avoid going on.
Good luck,it's all worth it in the end - however far away it looks from where you are now!:)

tomsmam

hi floatOn.im new to boards.ive felt exactly like u all my life.im 28 now an starting to feel like maybe its just me.now i can c differently.im with my partner 13 years an still push him away have problems with security when i have no reasons to be at all.poor him!

have met birth mother 5 years ago but it didnt work out havent seen her for 2 an half now.but i no im all the better havin met her i understand what happened an how.im not angry with her anymore.im actually glad i didnt grow up with her.best thing ever is ive met my sister(4 of us given away)and shes now my best friend.i love her to bits she the only person who completly understands me.sorry for long post.but all i want to say is it might not all turn out great but some good things will come out of it even if it just makes u a stronger person.xxx
hope to talk 2 others on herexxx

ChocolateSauce

I can't say I've ever even been aware of any such problems. I was adopted pretty much before I was actually born. I've never felt insecure. In fact, it's the other way around; my mother feels insecure. She fears I mightn't love her as much as I would if she were my real mother. She's always said that it's possible adoptive parents love their children more than natural parents because to adopt is to choose to love someone, whereas very often biological children are accidents.

I'm happy to have been raised by a moral, civilised and educated woman, as opposed to a wild 17 year old drop-out who likes boyfriends who have been in jail at least three times. I don't have, and have never had, issues with being close to people. Am I the exception rather than the rule then?

tomsmam

thats great theozster.
you certainly are very lucky to feel the way you do.from what and who i know,not many feel like u.you must have a v good and close relationship with your mother.count yourself lucky id love to be like u.xx

jocmilt

Life is tough enough without extra issues to deal with. But then life has a way of giving you 'extra issues' when you think you have it all sorted.

TobyZiegler

Would just like to add my opinion and agree with Chocolate Sauce above - I'm adopted and have absolutely no issue with it to be honest. I have always felt completely loved, completely part of my family and large extended family and have never had issues regarding rejection etc.

I sometimes even get annoyed that when adopted people are shown on tv or in books that they are always unhappy or trying to fill a hole in their lives etc. Obviously many are but there are plenty of us out there thatdont have these huge issues arising out of our adoptions.

I will say that I had two letters from my birth mother that i read in my teens that explained her decision and were really lovely letters. So perhaps I was very lucky and this is what spared me feelings of rejection etc.

Of course I have to make the decison as to whether I want to meet my birth mother who I have written to twice and of course that will be an issue for me but in terms of insecurity etc I really have no issue.

GeturGun

TobyZiegler wrote: »

Would just like to add my opinion and agree with Chocolate Sauce above - I'm adopted and have absolutely no issue with it to be honest. I have always felt completely loved, completely part of my family and large extended family and have never had issues regarding rejection etc.

I sometimes even get annoyed that when adopted people are shown on tv or in books that they are always unhappy or trying to fill a hole in their lives etc. Obviously many are but there are plenty of us out there thatdont have these huge issues arising out of our adoptions.

TobyZiegler, you have perfectly worded there, everything I would say about myself as well.
While everyone's feelings about being adopted are normal for them, not everyone is going to react/feel the same (in ANY situation) so yes, it annoys me too that adopted people are always assumed to be missing something in their lives or fear rejection. I have never felt like that.

ChocolateSauce wrote: »

I don't have, and have never had, issues with being close to people.
Am I the exception rather than the rule then?

Me neither, I must be another exception then!

emma11811

It was only when I started to read this thread that I relised that Im not alone in my feelings I too find it hard to trust people and always felt that I didnt fit in.I have a need to be perfect at everything and fear rejection I think for some people when you are given up for adopition you think you werent good enough .It didnt help that I was adopited by an Alcoholic mother who threw it back in my face that I wasnt wanted I have my own children now and I never miss a day without telling them how much I love them and how specail they are to me

Floydman

I have all those issues as well and was searching for an answer for a while before I came across those books u are talking about. That was the first time I related those issues to adoption.
Validating the feelings just made me feel a whole lot worse and turned me into a victim. I talked to another adoptee about it and he said he had absolutely none of these issues so it made me start questioning if these issues, that are supposed to come from seperation from the birthmother, really do so. I decided to stop taking the primal wound theory too seriously as i felt everyone has some of those issues anyway. I can understand if people are adopted into abusive families but unlike emma however my a-parents were nothing but excellent.
Im still not sure, maybe I do have some of those issues from being adopted. One thing I know is that the primal wound book says that all adoptees are far worse off then they really are (given that they were adopted into a loving family).

OS119

GeturGun wrote: »

Me neither, I must be another exception then!

we exceptions seem to be getting more numerous!

i was fortunate in that i did the 'who am i' thing when i was 21, so i was a mess anyway - i was also very fortunate in that my adoptive parents were friends of the senior social worker involved in my adoption and i knew the unvarnished truth - so i had no illusions about being torn from the perfect, loving family that were waiting to welcome me back into a rose-covered cottage with chickens in the yard.

i met my BM and very quicky decided who i was, and who i was not - and that was the end of it for me.

i too get very angry at the continual media portrayl of adoptees as being forever lost with lumps of themselves missing - its not true, for some, yes, but for others, no. most, i think, while having some conflicting emotions, live decent, happy, secure lives, and do so knowing adoption played a big part in that.

Orla99

My parents have shown me nothing but love, have brought me up with the greatest of tools for life. I feel even closer to them because of my adoption. I always stand over the fact that they choose me... and especially one part of the process.... My parents were told they had a little girl (me!)... a few days later they rang to advise that this little girl had Hip Dysplacia, and they were under no obligation to take me. My mother said - don't be silly - nothing would stop us... as my dad was not there they said they had to be confident that he would be willing to take me.... Mam told me dad was v. annoyed and rang them back to get papers signed asap when he came home that day. Its all these lovely stories that bring my bond with my parents even stronger .... Walking up the aisle with my dad was also a v. proud moment... for both of us.

It irks, annoys, pisses me off when people ask me "whats it like being adopted"... do you know what for me.. Its great... I couldn't have asked for a better upbringing from great parents..

After having my own daughter, I know I could never have given up a child.. and I feel sorry for any parent that had/have too.

One of my friends re-united with her adoptive parents... it was a very unsettling time for her.. they remain friends, but he has told me that he is sorry he just didn't let things lie sometimes.

I have no interest to find out... why... I suppose its just the fear of the unknown.... I love my family - and would hate to uncover something that would upset me.

Crann na Beatha

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