Should I Forgive Him?

useful_contacts

ok long story short i am 22 my nephews 29, last time i saw him was when i was 12, he moved to a diff country but we kept in contact.

He moved back home a few months ago and hooked up with a girl who is known as the town tramp.This girl HATES my best friend for no good reason and starts fights with her every time she meets her out. Anyway when my nephew started dating her he changed. Long story short he ruined my boyfriends birthday (cos of his new gf) and decided to put my phone number on a sex site "for a laugh" and i have had to change my number.

He claims he was joking with the phone number and that the night of my partners birthday he was drunk and didnt remember what he did, he has since finished with his gf and keeps trying to get in touch with me even though i dont want to know him and he knows this.

He hasnt seen me since i was 12- when i was 12 i was a shy kid who wouldnt say boo to a goose- i am grown up now and pretty fiesty and he must of thought i was still shy and would look the other way when he did these things to me.

He gave my dad a letter for me this morning with a pile of crap about how bad he feels etc.

should i forgive him?

Ishindar

yes u should imho. he has made an effort. we all make mistakes & forgiveness will make this a posative experience in the end.

c - 13

Well to be honest at 29 years of age he should have some bloody cop-on. That sort of thing sounds more like some 16 year old would do.

Judging by the tone of his communicaton he does realise his mistakes though so maybe it might be worth giving him a final chance.

If he tries anything even remotely like that again though I wouldnt hesitate to cut all communication with him, and I would make that very, very clear to him from the word go.

Miss Fluff

I think it demonstrates how sorry he is by going to the trouble of writing a letter and asking your Dad to pass it on. He just sounds incredibly immature more than anything but I'd be inclined to give him another chance.

useful_contacts

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I think it demonstrates how sorry he is by going to the trouble of writing a letter and asking your Dad to pass it on. .

The only reason he gave my dad a letter is because he didnt have my new number and i wasnt answering my door when he called(ive a camera on the wall so i know whos at the door)

6th

Of course you should forgive him, everyone fcuks up - it was just his turn.

Zulu

Well writing a letter of apology would work for me, but it really would be a case of "you've well over-stepped the line; you're in last chance saloon, no question".

Chinafoot

useful_contacts wrote: »

The only reason he gave my dad a letter is because he didnt have my new number and i wasnt answering my door when he called(ive a camera on the wall so i know whos at the door)

Which shows the effort he was going to in order to show you how sorry he is....which is pretty much what Miss Fluff said.

Look what this comes down to is whether or not you want to forgive him. We can't tell you what you should do. We can tell you what we would do if we were in the situation ourselves.

Do you want him in your life? If you do then you should accept his apology, and if you don't you shouldn't. Simple.

useful_contacts

Chinafoot wrote: »

Which shows the effort he was going to in order to show you how sorry he is....which is pretty much what Miss Fluff said.

Look what this comes down to is whether or not you want to forgive him. We can't tell you what you should do. We can tell you what we would do if we were in the situation ourselves.

Do you want him in your life? If you do then you should accept his apology, and if you don't you shouldn't. Simple.

You know what that makes a lot of sense, putting my number on a sex site was bad enough- but the crap he got up to at my boyfriends birthday was way too much, i dont want to know him

Mazeire

useful_contacts wrote: »

You know what that makes a lot of sense, putting my number on a sex site was bad enough- but the crap he got up to at my boyfriends birthday was way too much, i dont want to know him

This is your nephew. What did he do that was so bad?

dudara

He should have more sense at 29 years old, but it sounds like he is really trying to make amends with you. You should be gracious enough to accept his apology. Doing so does not make you weak.

Remember that continuing to have this divide in the family could also cause strain between family members. You don't have to be best friends with him following an apology, but accepting it and moving on would be a mature thing to do.

Zulu

...in a forgiving mood then

useful_contacts

Mazeire wrote: »

This is your nephew. What did he do that was so bad?

wel remember i mentioned his gf hates my best friend.

Well it was my bfs birthday party recently and we were all at it(my parents and sisters my friends my bfs family etc) and in walks my nephew and his gf( none of which had been invited) she gets drunk ... starts on at my best friend and attacks her and he stands back and laughs. When she was finally kicked out by the hotel manager he stayed and started throwing shots back his neck and i told him to leave, he hadnt been invited and my partners never even met him.

He refused and when my partners father got up to make a speech he jumped up on the stage and started yelling down the microphone about what a bitch i am for not inviting him in the first place (even though it wasnt my party to invite him to)

He made a show of me in front of my bfs friends and family and our friends.

Oryx

You can forgive him, if you want. If only so your not carrying around a heap of anger towards him. Forgiving means letting go of all that. So do that if you want to and feel able to.

Forgiving him does not mean forgetting though, and if you dont want to be in that position again with him you dont have to. Accepting his apology simply means that particular incident is done with. You dont have to have him in your life to the same extent anymore if you dont want to, or if you dont trust him anymore.

Drift

He has done a lot of bad things but it does seem like he's honestly trying to make ammends. If he has broken up with her I think you should accept his apology and move on. (Remember this will mean not talking about these incidents and not bringing them up and constantly reminding him what an asshole he was - otherwise it's not forgiveness.)

Tell him straight out just once that it hurt a lot and this is his one chance to make things better with you because if it happens again you will want nothing to do with him ever again.

The_Conductor

To be honest- if I were in your position I wouldn't forgive him. I would perhaps acknowledge the letter that he sent- in writing, but state in your reply that his actions are not acceptable, and while you accept his apology, that you don't want anything further to do with him- wish him the best with his life, and ask that he doesn't contact you again.

Putting someone's phone number up on a sex site is not a joke- and is no laughing matter, his other actions, dispicable though they may be, are lesser in my eyes.

A leopard doesn't change its spots- regardless of how remorseful he comes across, its likely that similar behaviour will be repeated at some stage in the future if you give it an opportunity.

S./

Loomis

Like some have said, the fact he went to the 'trouble' of writing a letter shows he's genuinely sorry in my opinion. He could have just said well f*ck her, I apologized and made the effort and she ignored it so that's her problem. But writing a letter, especially opposed to texts and e-mailing nowadays, I feel shows he's genuinely sorry and wants to patch things up. Especially giving it to your father to pass on was him kinda facing up to it since I'm sure he presumed your father knew what went on (even if he didn't it's a safe bet he thought your father did anyway). I say speak to him. Ask him to explain what was going on with him during that period and then see how you feel.

Wurly

Yes of course. We all make mistakes. it was a long time ago. With all due respect, get over it.

Life is a lot happier when you have no conflict with anyone. And if you get the opportunity to make amends with someone, you should definitely take it. Nothing is to be gained by 'not talking to someone'.

He wrote a letter - it shows he's grown up and is serious.

I disagree with the other poster that said a leopard doesnt change his spots. That's crap. Some do, some dont but you cant generalise.

I've done some things in the past that I wouldn't dream of doing now. I was in a bad place a few years ago but have since sorted out my head and am pretty much a different person now. Your nephew might have had lots going on and it caused him to behave adversely. Im not condoning his behaviour - it was wrong of course. But there is a reason behind everything, nothing is black and white like that.

Good luck anyway.

useful_contacts

Tri wrote: »

Yes of course. We all make mistakes. it was a long time ago. With all due respect, get over it.

excuse me? it happened a month ago where are you going with that statement?

Mazeire

Yeah.... to err is human to forgive is divine etc.

Sod that.

He is far from being a little kid. As evidenced on othjer threads, a guy of the same age has a kid and has legged it at thr prospect of buying a house and making a firm commitment. A huge consensus has been that if the guy is old enough to have a baby then he is old enough to be an adult and settle down. Yet here this poor wee chap , at almost exactly the same age, is going through a little phase and is acting out and sure we all go through it. Conflicting views or what?

He is far from being a little child. Blow forgiveness. He should be greatful you didnt call the police on him. Sometimes sorry just doesn't cut it, and i think its clear that for you it will not. That does not make you a bad person. If someone had put me at risk of abuse rape and assault by putting my number up on a sex site and stood back while my friend was being assaulted I wouldn't be having a cup of tea and a sit down with them either. I really do not see how him being family somehow makes what he did any the less serious.

Pigletlover

Tri wrote: »

Yes of course. We all make mistakes. it was a long time ago. With all due respect, get over it.

The OP said it only happened recently.

OP, your nephew seems to be genuinely sorry for what he as done, but I can see why you'd be p!ssed off with him, what happened at your boyfriend's party must have been very embarrassing for you. I'd second smccarrick's advice, acknowledge his letter and let him know that you appreciate his apology, but you don't want to have anything to do with him.

Gumbyman

He deserves you to tell him to go f**k himself. He really does and I'm sure it is hard to see past that. How does your boyfriend feel about it? His birthday was ruined by the tosser. If I were you I would tell him that you wont forgive him but you will put it behind you. That way you are on speaking terms, and you can keep it barely to that. This will avoid awkwardness in your family. You could even let him know that is what you are doing.

Over time you might be able to forget about it or forgive him. But be wary. He sounds like a right c**t to be honest.

Wurly

Oops sorry - my mistake. Okay, now I see why it still might be very raw with you.

I still stand by everything else I said though.

useful_contacts

Gumbyman wrote: »

How does your boyfriend feel about it? His birthday was ruined by the tosser.

He is not happy- his grandmother was there for christs sake the poor woman is 92 and didnt know what to think. Doesnt look v good on me if my so called "family" acts like that

Gumbyman wrote: »

This will avoid awkwardness in your family.

Theres no awkardness in my family over it- my family have ate him over it, they have said what they had to say and thay have left it at that. I never see my nephew so its not like people will be worried about awkardness at family partys etc cos he never shows up to them, which is what pissed me off more that he arrived at a party he wasnt asked to when he wont go to one he was invited to

board om

tbh fcuk him. you got on well with each other for years and even if you didnt see each other in person you still had a great friendship, then he meets some girl who hates you and all of a suden he is doing nasty things to you. then as soon as the girl is gone he is looking for the friedship back again. are you kidding? he sold you out big time. the first chance he got he sold out his own relative. the relationship with the girl didnt work out and now he wants everything to be forgotten about and to go back to normal. if it was me there wouldnt be a chance i would be forgetting that. it wasnt silly little things like slagging you or something, he ruined a party and then put you number on a sex website. putting your number on the website took a lot of thought on his behalf. and they are the only things you know that he did. if he was that spiteful i wouldnt be surprsed if there might have been some other things that just never got back to you.

if you welcome him back into your life then what reason will he have the next time he does something like that? getting back with that girl? or maybe a new girl that doesnt like you? if he screwed you over that badly once then he can do it again. he isnt a 15 year old only learning the lessons of life, he is a 29 year old man. there is no excuse for doing something like that at his age.

mikehn

TBH I would wonder what his motive is in trying to make contact.
There seems to be no problem with the extended family in you having nothing to do with him.
You got on fine all this time without any contact with him.
I would write him a letter, thank him for his letter and apology and say under the circumstances that you would prefer no further contact.
on more than one occasion he saw nothing wrong in putting you in a terrible position and i would not trust him not to do the same again, drink is no excuse for his actions ,alcohol tends to reveal attitudes that people hides when sober.
Be safe, be sensible and keep your distance

Overheal

This isnt schoolyard shyte: he is 29 years old and acting like an asshat, selling your phone number online to porn sites?

There will be a time for forgiveness but seriously, I think he deserves time to grill over what he's done. You never learn anything if everyone just keeps forgiving you all the time.

seahorse

Mazeire wrote: »

He is far from being a little kid. As evidenced on othjer threads, a guy of the same age has a kid and has legged it at thr prospect of buying a house and making a firm commitment. A huge consensus has been that if the guy is old enough to have a baby then he is old enough to be an adult and settle down. Yet here this poor wee chap , at almost exactly the same age, is going through a little phase and is acting out and sure we all go through it. Conflicting views or what?

You're mistaken there Mazeire; this bloke is 29, the young man on the other thread you're referring to is 21. They're at polar ends of the twenties spectrum, not that their behaviour is reflective of that.

As for this eejit, I'd probably let it go, but in time; it'd take a lot longer than a month and a lot more than a letter for me to turn my mind on this issue. If anyone turned up and trashed my partners birthday party and made my private phone number public for a load of pervs to call me up, well Jaysus, if they wanted a letter to do the trick they'd want to be seriously gifted in the use of a pen.

It sounds like this bloke has a few problems bouncing around in his head, and on that basis I'd probably let it go, but as I say, in time.

DD

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I think it demonstrates how sorry he is by going to the trouble of writing a letter and asking your Dad to pass it on. He just sounds incredibly immature more than anything but I'd be inclined to give him another chance.

I agree with the first part. Something is fishy or too immature....was he serious...or making fun?

pickarooney

Freud would have a field day with the sexual connotations of just about every aspect of his behaviour in your OP. Forget about him.

LegacyUser

You asked 'should you forgive him?' but you have reacted to everyon here who suggested you should.
Are you really asking for advice/opinions or just getting it off your chest.

Assuming you do want an answer I would suggest you do forgive him. It does seem that he is making considerable effort to redeem himself. However in forgiving him you can make it clear that that does not mean forgetting wht he done and that you do not want share his company in the future.

Maybe after sufficient time you might find his presence in your circle acceptable but then again maybe not. In either case you ave taken the more matured path.