Hating, hating and loving maybe my ex

LegacyUser

Broke up almost a year back. She took it very very bad and I found it tough too. I had moved away and was seeing someone else. Then found out the ***** was seeing a friend of mine and I cut all contact with her. She’s been texting and phoning over the last few months trying to apologise and telling me she still has feelings for me, didn’t want to hurt me etc but I haven’t replied. She’s begging to just talk to me, should I let her? I’m seeing someone new now and it’s good but my sister reckons I might still have feelings for the ex and am bottling it because otherwise it wouldn’t have hurt so much that she was with my friend and I’d be able to talk to her now without feeling anything. I really did love her once and a lot happened between us. I’m not sure I can go there though. Is there anything to be gained here by talking to her? Do I owe her anything anyway or should I just keep ignoring her and hope she goes away and gets over it? I used to think she was the greatest thing in the world and saw a real future with her. Besides her pestering me now she was a pretty great girl, good looking, smart and fun.

biko

Wait until you're comfortable in your new relationship before meeting her. At least 6 months.You owe each other nothing, **** happens and relationships break - it's life.

Plek Trum

I'm afraid you are possibly confusing jealousy with actual feelings for your ex. You broke it off, moved on dated someone else and all was fine. It seems the only time you questioned your decision was when she went out with someone else. I've been there, believe me I am speaking from experience.

Try and remember the reasons why you finished things and if necessary have some time alone so you can get perspective. I know its a headwreck but it will pass. If in time you feel you made the wrong decision then you can try to recify it, but for now be honest with yourself and try to sort out if these 'feelings' are stemming from a jealous reaction. Best of luck!

jacko

ignoring her texts and calls is pretty lame. If you dont want to get back with her, or need some time to make a decision she at least needs to know that. If you're not up to talking to her in person then at least reply to her text and let her know. you at least owe her that.

Colonel_McCoy

There is no future in the past. Look back but never stare.......u r better off now

LegacyUser

I do get jealous. Had few breaks with this ex before and she used to always freak that only reason I ever wanted to get back with her was when someone else was interested. Used to think it wasn't true but maybe there's something to it. Thing is though between the last girl and the one I'm seeing now I was thinking about my ex a lot and considering talking to her about giving things a go again. Then when I found out she was with a friend I didn't want anything to do with her. Am I right there even, don't know! Would ye react same way?
My head's just wrecked now with my sister saying I need to think about my true feelings for her. Is she right? If I am over her should I be able to talk to her like she wants? Should i still be pissed off she was with a friend? Is it all just jealousy?

Feel like a proper whiner coming on here but it's not exactly something I can chat about with the lads.

LegacyUser

jacko wrote: »

ignoring her texts and calls is pretty lame. If you dont want to get back with her, or need some time to make a decision she at least needs to know that. If you're not up to talking to her in person then at least reply to her text and let her know. you at least owe her that.

Told her day I found out she'd been shagging a mate to get lost for good so I have. am seeing someone so there's no inclination given at all I have any interest in getting back with her. Opposite in fact. It's just my sister saying the fact I still can't just talk to her or don't want to be in same room might mean I'm still not exactly without feelings for her either and that if that's true then I might be cutting off my nose so to speak just because I'm pissed off she was with a mate a few months after we split.

Miss Fluff

wimmin wrote: »

She’s begging to just talk to me, should I let her? I’m seeing someone new now and it’s good

What, and keep your poor unsuspecting current girlfriend on the back burner until you sort your sh1t out? Grow a set OP. You are either with your current girlfriend or not. If you are committed to going out with her then I don't think getting in touch with your ex is particularly commendable tbh. Sort your feelings out. If you want to get back in touch with your ex because you still harbour feelings then I suggest you do the decent thing and cut your current GF loose.

LegacyUser

I'm seeing her. It's not love. It's easy and she's cool with it herself and coming on here is trying to sort it out. sorry if i come across bad miss f. just can't get my head around it. Getting in touch with ex is something she wants. I'm reluctant to. Just trying to figure out for myself if all these months later it might be because I do still kind of care.

Right so lads, would ye be that mad that months later you still couldn't bare the thought of seeing or talking to an ex because she was with a mate.

Help me here.

Mazeire

wimmin wrote: »

Told her day I found out she'd been shagging a mate to get lost for good so I have. am seeing someone so there's no inclination given at all I have any interest in getting back with her. Opposite in fact. It's just my sister saying the fact I still can't just talk to her or don't want to be in same room might mean I'm still not exactly without feelings for her either and that if that's true then I might be cutting off my nose so to speak just because I'm pissed off she was with a mate a few months after we split.

Thats nice...Keeping all the options open at the expense of these two firls feelings.

You know your feelings not your sister. Let your ex get on with her life. FYI you broke up with her and arre now in a committed (supposedly anyway) new relationship. Your ex can be with who she wants. She does not have to get your approval.

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote: »

Thats nice...Keeping all the options open at the expense of these two firls feelings.

You know your feelings not your sister. Let your ex get on with her life. FYI you broke up with her and arre now in a committed (supposedly anyway) new relationship. Your ex can be with who she wants. She does not have to get your approval.

So you wouldn't be pissed if a serious ex got with a friend? I'm trying figure out my feelings here. I know it's not my sister who should. I'm here to see if anyone one else would be that angry or if I am wrong and it is something more than pride.
I'm not stringing ex along because as I said she has no idea I'm thinking this way at all and current girl is something casual and it's that way for her too.

Mazeire

wimmin wrote: »

So you wouldn't be pissed if a serious ex got with a friend? I'm trying figure out my feelings here. I know it's not my sister who should. I'm here to see if anyone one else would be that angry or if I am wrong and it is something more than pride.
I'm not stringing ex along because as I said she has no idea I'm thinking this way at all and current girl is something casual and it's that way for her too.

You seem to be proposing to string her along. Feeding someone you knew loved you and you already hurt, a few ifs buts and maybes until you know what you want.

What you are doing at the moment is punishing her for moving on with her life. Were you the only one meant to be doing that?

Yeah i'd be upset, but the way I would look at it is that I ended it its my problem really.

r3nu4l

wimmin, you broke up with her for a reason and that indicates that there was a problem.

If you can both figure out what was wrong for that to have happened and if you can fix that, then there may be a chance for you both. Only if you can find out what went wrong and fix it though.

As for your current girlfriend, do you see a future with her? It may be quite casual now but do you see you two together in two years time? If so, then stick with this girl. If you see her as 3-6 months more at most then maybe try working out something with your ex, the caveat above should be forefront in your mind!

Bear in mind too that while you seem to get jealous at the thought of her with someone else...she may only be contacting you because you are now with someone else and she has no-one. Could that be the case? Either way calling her a ***** because she chose to go out with someone else who just happened to be your friend after you two split up is weird!

EDIT: Better now Mazeire?

LegacyUser

r3nu4l wrote: »

wimmin, nobody can be expected to just turn off their feelings. The problem here is that you were in love with this woman when she was betraying you. So you went from being totally in love to being shocked, betrayed and hurt. That's to be expected. What is often unexpected but happens frequently is that you love and hate the person who did that to you. You love enerything you had but hate what that person did to the relationship.

It's confusing and hard to reconcile! My own feeling is that you are still trying to make sense of it all. You do still seem to have feelingss for her. She probably still has feelings for you too. I imagine however that for her to have gone elsewhere during your last relationship there was something wrong. If you can both figure out what was wrong for that to have happened and if you can fix that, then there may be a chance for you both. Only if you can find out what went wrong and fix it though. What probably makes the hurt worse is that she was with your "friend". I hope he's no longer a friend of yours and you are ignoring him too!?

As for your current girlfriend, do you see a future with her? It may be quite casual now but do you see you two together in two years time? If so, then stick with this girl. If you see her as 3-6 months more at most then maybe try working out something with your ex, the caveat above should be forefront in your mind!

Bear in mind too that while you seem to get jealous at the thought of her with someone else...she may only be contacting you because you are now with someone else and she has no-one. Could that be the case?

We weren’t together anymore when she got with him. I’d been seeing someone myself already after we split.
Current ladyfriend not sure about longterm but not in bad way. Confusing to be made think about ex at all by sisters comment. Want to go on hating her but maybe that in itself is too strong a reaction and just a cover up for feeling more. I don’t know and head is wrecked. Not type to be posting in PI at all!!! Ex not with someone far as I know but could in fairness have her pick so don’t think it case of wanting what ya can’t have. I broke it off and she was really heartbroken and I don’t mean to sound bigheaded here it’s true and wasn’t easy on me either.
Maybe I should meet her like she wants to get whatever off her chest coz it’ll give me clearer picture of how I feel.

Mazeire

r3nu4l wrote: »

wimmin, nobody can be expected to just turn off their feelings. The problem here is that you were in love with this woman when she was betraying you. So you went from being totally in love to being shocked, betrayed and hurt. That's to be expected. What is often unexpected but happens frequently is that you love and hate the person who did that to you. You love enerything you had but hate what that person did to the relationship.

Thats all very lovely but please read the thread again. He dumped her. moved away and THEN she started going out with someone else. She did not cheat on him.

r3nu4l

Mazeire wrote: »

Thats all very lovely but please read the thread again. He dumped her. moved away and THEN she started going out with someone else. She did not cheat on him.

Ha ha, so it would seem, thanks, I'll edit my previous post!! That's what I get for actually doing work at the same time as trying to post

Mazeire

r3nu4l wrote: »

EDIT: Better now Mazeire?

Much! Spanks!:D

LegacyUser

Sorry so is the general opinion here that to cut her out of my life was too severe a reaction for her seeing a friend of mine after we broke up. She's still upset about it from what she texts. Was I too hard on her? Feck it, I'm even more headwrecked now then before I first posted! Thought every lad would've reacted same.

Mazeire

OP can I ask, if it was some randomer she took up with would you be as annoyed as you are now?

If the answer is yes, fair enough. If the answer is no, then you need to look at the question as to wheather its the loss of a friendship that has you so angry.

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote: »

OP can I ask, if it was some randomer she took up with would you be as annoyed as you are now?

If the answer is yes, fair enough. If the answer is no, then you need to look at the question as to wheather its the loss of a friendship that has you so angry.

No not at all. I chose to lose the friendship because I was so angry at her being with him because he was a friend. Not really friends with him anymore but it was her I was bulling with. I don't know if that was an overreaction because i still had feelings. Done now. Just hope this doesn't come back to haunt me with feelings for her further down the line when she's well and truly given up and has finally moved on herself because it is taking her a long time and i couldn't turn around and change my mind then!
Right i'm going back to not thinking. Suits me better.

DD

wimmin wrote: »

Broke up almost a year back.

What was the reason you two broke up? Did you love her?

LegacyUser

dianaangeleyes wrote: »

What was the reason you two broke up? Did you love her?

Wasn't gonna look at this again but dianaangeleyes you ask if I loved her and I really did and thought she was the one but we were killing each other with the fighting in massive way and it was sending us both over edge. Love wasn't ever prob but couldn't keep going as we were. Think ye're right. Gonna call things off with current gf cuz even though it's casual I know I don't feel for her what I did for ex at all and that's not really right is it?

Chinafoot

wimmin wrote: »

No not at all. I chose to lose the friendship because I was so angry at her being with him because he was a friend. Not really friends with him anymore but it was her I was bulling with.

I will never, ever understand this mentality. You and this girl were split up and by the sounds of things didn't have any friendship afterwards. As far as I would be concerned she owed you nothing. Your anger should be directed at your friend not her. He's the one you still had a relationship with, not her.

This is right up there with people who find out their partner is cheating and they go mental at the person they're cheating with. It doesn't make sense. The person in the relationship is the person who is at fault. In your case it was a platonic relationship with your mate, but the logic still stands.


My advice, cop on to yourself. She owed you absolutely nothing. You broke up and you were already seeing someone else. If you have some honour code with your friends whereby none of you would be with a friends ex, then by all means vent your spleen at him. Calling her names and saying you hate her for something she did when you weren't together is pathetic. Grow up.

DD

wimmin wrote: »

Wasn't gonna look at this again but dianaangeleyes you ask if I loved her and I really did and thought she was the one but we were killing each other with the fighting in massive way and it was sending us both over edge.

Big fights don't sound good....true

Ronaldo2

1. She established she could get you back by making you jealous, then she hooks up with your friend while continuing to try and contact you. This seems very manipulative to me. She was trying to exploit jealousy weakness.

2. You cut off contact and tell her you dont want to hear from her again, yet she persists in trying to contact you. Sounds like a stalker to me.

I don't understand why you are thinking of contacting her, no one needs to go back to a relationship full of fighting and drama.

hope things become clear for you.

Aurora Borealis

I know this situation uncomfortably well and it’s a head wreck!

My opinion…OP more than likely knew from this girls upset at break up he could have had her back and i reckon it's a crying shame that it took her trying to move on for him to realise he did still have feelings if that's the case. Not saying break up wasn't right because obviously so much fighting ain’t good but if months later he blows a casket at her being with someone he knows when he’s already in a relationship himself then IMO he might well still have feelings for her and maybe my head's in the clouds but you don't just ignore that, it's hard enough to find. But if he doesn’t want to examine his feelings for this girl then it's his prerogative ultimately and nothing his sister says even if she’s right makes one bit of difference.

Must say though if girl in question was trying to get back with OP and told OP as much when she was actually with this other guy that is not right and above all else very hurtful to this other guy. Is she still with him?

As for contacting him. She should lay off obviously especially if as per above she’s still with this guy. Will say though I’ve done the repeatedly contacting the ex thing and it’s a hard one not to if you do still love them or want to keep some level of friendship. Definitely not recommendable though and soooo not attractive!

OP if it offers any insight I've been the girl in this scenario and I regret hurting my ex and the guy (yes, ex's friend) I was with even though he's actually still a friend and I'm so glad he is in my life. The mistake I made was trying convince myself I was ready to move on and be with someone even though I wasn't over my Ex. In my case I think I confused friendship with something more and looking back on it now mistakenly wanted the companionship where I should've just soldiered on. Not proud of that but we all have weak and needy times in our life. Can't say if it's the case with your ex but it might be. Similarly to your situation there was little contact with my ex and things had been left so badly between us I thought he wouldn't really care anyway but still held back on telling him in case he did. Obviously I can't comment on how this girl feels or indeed if you do have any true feelings for her but I can tell you that love has many grey areas and the fact that she was with your friend does not necessarily take away from how she feels/felt for you.

Be honest with yourself no matter how hard a situation that places you in. Pride if that’s what stopping you is definitely not worth losing out on love over but jealousy is far from a good enough reason to get back with someone either. You have to know the difference yourself if you're old enough to have actually been in a serious relationship. I would recommend taking sometime out for yourself from the relationship you're in at the moment if you are having to question how you feel still.

Best of luck to you both. It's not easy!!


AB.

Overheal

wimmin wrote: »

Sorry so is the general opinion here that to cut her out of my life was too severe a reaction for her seeing a friend of mine after we broke up. She's still upset about it from what she texts. Was I too hard on her? Feck it, I'm even more headwrecked now then before I first posted! Thought every lad would've reacted same.

Eh... no.
Walking home from tescos, my flatmate goes 'I was really thinking of stealing that guy's condoms at the checkout' (cos he was broke and the atm wasnt working). So I told him to quit his bellyaching and wait until tomorrow 'she'll still be able for it tomorrow' says I. I was summarily slapped for not immediately considering a plastic bag :rolleyes:

Ronaldo2 wrote: »

She established she could get you back by making you jealous, then she hooks up with your friend while continuing to try and contact you. This seems very manipulative to me. She was trying to exploit jealousy weakness.

I wondered this as well.

OP it might be time for some Single Time to sort your thoughts out: basically, dont date either of them, or anyone else, for at least 6 months. How long after the breakup did you get together with the second girl anyway?

littlefriend

What do you want to do?? In an ideal world what would you like the outcome to be? What did you think before your sister said anything?
I know this might sound ridiculous but what will be will be. There is pretty much no point wrecking your head about it.

Ronaldo2

Yes you need to figure out what you want. Makes no difference what your sister thinks. Seems like you were happy out of the relationship (dating etc) till you heard about your friend and your ex. This does not mean you are still in love with her, it just means you have jealousy issues. You would be better served dealing with these and forget about your ex.

microgirl

wimmin wrote: »

Sorry so is the general opinion here that to cut her out of my life was too severe a reaction for her seeing a friend of mine after we broke up. She's still upset about it from what she texts. Was I too hard on her? Feck it, I'm even more headwrecked now then before I first posted! Thought every lad would've reacted same.

Short answer - yes!

I mean ffs, she didn't cheat on you - ye had already broken up several months perviously, YOU moved away and YOU had already started seeing someone, and then you have the gall to hate and despise her because she dared start seeing someone who happened to be a friend of yours? Yes, IMO you over-reacted severely.

Now don't get me wrong, an ex being with a friend is hurtful, and God knows that if any of my exes hooked up with a friend months after we'd broken up I'd be really hurt, but I would also recognise that as *my* issue, not a betrayal.

As has already been said, she's her own person, can see and even shag who she likes, and doesn't actually need your permission for any of it. Get over yourself, quite frankly.

Hurt and jealousy are natural to feel, but where we make the mistakes is to start getting self-righteous and think that the irrational emotions are actually rational, reasonable and right reactions. We allow our rational thoughts and actions be overly controlled by our emotions, which by definition are not rational. Believe me, as someone with emotional problems I know what I'm talking about

Aurora Borealis

Ronaldo2 wrote: »

Yes you need to figure out what you want. Makes no difference what your sister thinks. Seems like you were happy out of the relationship (dating etc) till you heard about your friend and your ex. This does not mean you are still in love with her, it just means you have jealousy issues. You would be better served dealing with these and forget about your ex.

Very true!! Your anger and jealousy here is your own stuff to deal with and it seems it's come up for you before. If your Ex is anything like me and if there was that level of emotion between you she is feeling like **** for hurting you and pretty confused at your reaction. She hasn't cheated on you though and you were already with someone yourself in fairness but still it's not the ideal. Only you know what your true feelings are for her but I will say even though in the first few months that I was openly still in love with my Ex (buried that then for while but to no avail! :rolleyes:)and was hurting I was still happy for him to have met someone and for him to be happy. Are your jealousy issues so bad that it is simply the thought of someone else you know being with her or is that suddenly you were faced with her being with anyone else and and you weren't ready for it? I'm sorry but I don't think you are over someone if you can't accept the reality of both of you moving on and if you have to block that out. If you're not over her at this stage you need to deal with it. Meeting her and facing up to that possibilty might as you said yourself clear it up for you.

Good luck,


AB.

Aurora Borealis

OP if you do figure out that your confusion here does stem from jealousy issues you could do worse than be honest with your ex about it so she knows for certain you're not harbouring any other feelings for her. I found it very confusing that my ex got so het up and did wonder if it was that he still had feelings for me as I did him. Brought up loads of old stuff for me and set me back considerably in terms of getting over him!

Mr. Incognito

Boy meets girl,
Boy dates girl,
Boy and girl split,
Boy starts seeing other people,
Girl sees boy's mate,
Boy loses rag, cuts contact, (Kettle, Pot again)
Girl tries to see boy,
Boy gets high and mighty,
Boy gets confused,

You obviously still have feelings for her but you need to learn to deal with the green eyed monster. When you are split up you have no right to be angry with her. None. None. None. Three times for emphasis. I reckon you owe it to yourself to see her again and see where the chips lie.

Also- are you sure the current squeeze is aware it's "casual"- oh and less text speak please, Bad grammer hurts my brain.

Aurora Borealis

Have to say I get the impression here OP does still have feelings for his ex too.
Nothing ventures nothing gained so just go and meet her so you know how feel. Life's too short for regrets and things left unsaid and love ain't an easy one to find so grab it!

LegacyUser

Update -Bumped into her out. She wanted to talk, I didn't. She got upset. Agreed to talk to her next weekend. Do still like the girl but can't get pic of him and her out of me head.