The eX Factor

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a few months now, and everything is going brilliantly in the relationship.

There is one thing that keeps creeping up and bothering me though. And that is his ex girlfriend. He was with her for almost 3 years (he is 27 by the way) and they broke up due to the spark leaving the relationship, and them growing and drifting apart.

The thing is that he drops her into our conversations quite a bit. If we talk about travelling this summer, he will refer back to a holiday with her. If we go out to a restuarant, he might tell a story about a dinner that he had with her, etc etc. It happens quite a bit.

He doesn't tend to talk about the actual girl herself too much, more the experiences and things he has done with her. I was fine with this for a while, but now it makes me quite angry almost immediately. The other day, he showed me an old ticket stub from a holiday that I know he had gone on with her, and he put it BACK into his wallet. When I asked him why he would want to keep it, he just said that it was nice sometimes to keep memories.

Am I over-reacting for this to pee me off?

Its starting to feel like she is part of our relationship, and that I am being compared almost... He never actually talks to her much anymore, or sees her.. But surely she must be still in his head?

Beruthiel

OverReacting? wrote: »

But surely she must be still in his head?

Not necessarily.
We all talk about our past and things we've done.
You say he's not refering to her directly, but rather experiences from his past, why should he stop because you cannot get her out of your head?

Liam Byrne

He's borderline......talking about experiences rather than her, so it's something to avoid worrying about but still something to watch. It seems a little insensitive, but like I said, he's not actually talking about "her", so it's definitely less of an issue - if you can live with it.

As for you thinking your being "compared" - the biggest comparison is that she's an ex and you're not!!!

Keep an eye on it, but don't dwell on it, analyse it, or panic.....

axer

OP: Is he supposed to wipe those 3 years from his mind? Do you want to hear him tell you about all his experiences except those that occurred in those 3 years?

Why do you care about her. He is with you. You will have to learn to deal with it and not see it as a threat.

Mr. Incognito

OP: Is he supposed to wipe those 3 years from his mind? Do you want to hear him tell you about all his experiences except those that occurred in those 3 years?

Why do you care about her. He is with you. You will have to learn to deal with it and not see it as a threat.

+1

If he moved to Panama for three years and was talking about that would it bother you? Different relationships- same person. Learn to keep the green eyed monster under control. In my experience the trouble starts when he doesn't mention her at all as this shows he is bottling his emotions and not dealing with them.

Playboy

yes u are overreacting. The girl doesnt pose a threat to your relationship .. its not like he is still interested in her/flirting with her or vice versa. He was with someone before you and he probably loved her .. Get over it.

Control your emotions instead of letting them control you. If you feel yourself getting angry .. take a breath .. remind yourself that he loves you and not her ... and tell yourself to cop on.

Wibbs

I reckon chill as if there is anything, anything at all of memories or comparisons still in his head, by over reacting you may well do badly out of the comparison.

Did he split up with her, or she with him? Did he go straight from her to you or was there a good sized gap? Did he leave her for you? The only time exes can be a problem is when there are unresolved issues brought forward into the next relationship. That can be torches being held on one side or the other, or as bad, when the problems in the previous relationship haven't been absorbed, learned from and moved on from. That goes triple if there's little or no gap.

Balmed Out

I always do that about various ex's especially when talking about old holidays. it doesnt mean anything at all. ill have to stop doing it myself.

AngryBadger

You're over-reacting.

If he's 27 I'm assuming you're around the same age. I suggest a sharp dose of cop on, and maybe a dash of grow up. He was with his ex for 3 years, they have a lot of history, and you expect him to just drop it after a few months with you?

Come on!

LegacyUser

hi i feel ur pain i have bascialllly the same problem as you go to page 5 "will his ex ruin our relationship"
i talked to him about told him how i felt...unfortunally i will admit i cried...i said i want to go on a break so he could figure out if he was commited to our relationship or not so on......
he realised he had been a total cock and didnt realise what he had being doing and how i felt blah blah.......
moral of story boys(well him) are dense and dont always realise hw they are actually hurting you i hope he gets over her, i totally know how it feels!!!

for the record we didnt go on the break.......

Chinafoot

needadvice-mayo wrote: »

hi i feel ur pain i have bascialllly the same problem as you go to page 5 "will his ex ruin our relationship"
i talked to him about told him how i felt...unfortunally i will admit i cried...i said i want to go on a break so he could figure out if he was commited to our relationship or not so on......
he realised he had been a total cock and didnt realise what he had being doing and how i felt blah blah.......
moral of story boys(well him) are dense and dont always realise hw they are actually hurting you i hope he gets over her, i totally know how it feels!!!

for the record we didnt go on the break.......

I don't really think the two situations are the same tbh. The OP's other half is a lot older than yours and this is your very first serious relationship. From your opening post your boyfriend clearly had some unresolved issues with his ex. That doesn't appear to be the case here.

To the OP, you are most definitely over-reacting. As has already been mentioned, 3 years is a long time to spend with somebody and of course he's going talk about things he did when he was in that relationship. That doesn't mean he's still secretly in love with her and will probably run off on you at some point.

If you continue down this road you'll lose him. Plain and simple. He has done nothing wrong and you have no reason to be angry with him. When people start new relationships it doesn't erase the previous ones. He spent three years of his life with this other girl and by the sounds of things they didn't have too bad a break up.

To be honest, I think it's very mature that he can still hang on to something that reminds him of a good time in his life. That doesn't mean he wants to go back there, just that he can appreciate it for what it was.

I'd suggest you snap out of this frame of mind before you mess up what sounds like a good relationship.

Niamh21

You're like me... a jealous person!!! Try to get over it and let it go. Or explain rationally and calmly to him that it bothers you. What ever you do DON'T let it build up and resent him for it!!! Choice 1) Make a decision to deal with the jealousy and get over it or Choice 2) Talk to him. I'm sure he is'nt doing it intentionally, so letting it slide is probably the best way to go.

How Strange

OP, I think you need to relax abit. You knew your bf had a previous longterm relationship when you met him so you must've expected that he had shared alot of experiences with her.

Alot of his memories of holidays etc are naturally interlinked with memories of her and so what if he mentions her. You say yourself that he doesn't talk about HER but more about things they did together. He isn't really in contact with her or anything so its been a complete break and she isn't lurking in the background meeting him for coffee and chats or anything like that.

My bf talks about his exes too in the same way; they went on this holiday, they did that together. I don't mind; in fact I like hearing about things he did before me met me because it shows me what type of person he was then.

Really you just have to take a step back, calm down and grow up a little. What do you expect him to do; just stop talking about 3 years of his life because you are insecure?