You , Me and ...Dupree...

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone...
I suppose this is a sensitive subject and i dont want to come across as being the baddie in this scenario .. i want first of all ,before any of you make any judgments to put yourselves in my shoes first then see how you feel ..
Im in a very loving relationship , getting married later in the year to a man i no is my soul mate and my complete other half . we love spending time together and get on great but ...... my partner has a friend. This guy is nice but doesnt always come across as the full shilling , but he is completely harmless ...unfortunately though... he invites himself around to the house unannounced , invites himself to dinner and lunches and even couples weekends away ... i cant mention anything around him cause he just tags along everywhere.. sometimes i feel sorry for him as he is over weight and has never had a girlfriend but is this gonna be it for the rest of my life having him constantly involved in our lives ? When we got engaged ( although it was a joke ) someone sent an engagement card to the THREE of us ? They call us you me and dupree all the time and i guess i just wanted to vent about it really .... ultimately i no i cant really change this scenario but opinions on this would be great ...

Beruthiel

workinggirl007 wrote: »

he invites himself around to the house unannounced

Oh dear. You probably should have nipped that in the bud as soon as it started, doing it now just makes it very difficult.
I certainly wouldn't fancy someone popping around without giving me the heads up first. Sometimes I like to lounge around in my pj's chilling, at times like that, I don't want any visitors.
Have you tried talking to your b/f about this? If not, you need to.
I understand the guy just likes hanging out with his friend, but he obviously doesn't know that not only has he crossed the line, it's so far back in the distance, he can no longer see it.

invites himself to dinner and lunches and even couples weekends away

Couples weekends? Are they some sort of swingers parties?
If not, what's wrong with him joining a gang of friends for weekend away single? Why would he have to have a partner for that?

ultimately i no i cant really change this scenario but opinions on this would be great ...

Well, you can, with the help of your b/f, he could tactfully suggest the guy phone from now on to see if it's ok to come over as ye'd like some time together as a couple.
Or you could just not be in when he pops over.

How Strange

You are engaged to your soul mate so surely you can just say it out straight to him that you don't want his friend tagging along at times when it's totally inappropriate.

Yes its hard when you have to be the bad cop but not saying anything will mean that eventually you'll explode probably over something very trivial and you'll just look like a mad woman.

Be mature about it, don't criticise the friend but constructively point out to your fiance that this guy can't just keep inviting himself along to everything. Then the next time he decides to stay for dinner or invite himself on a weekend away just calmly and reasonably point out that it's just for two. Or if he calls around unannounced then politely tell him that now isn't a good time and you'll both give him a call to meet up soon. Of course your fiance will have to back you up on this but I reckon if you both make a point of it once or twice the friend will get the message.

TBH, if you're getting 'jokey' engagement cards about it then chances are that all your other friends think its weird and your fiance has probably noticed it too but men being men he just decides to ignore it.

Mazeire

That sounds a little bit ridiculous to say the least. Coming over to the house is annoying, yes, but on a couples weekend away? Thats just bizarre! The next thing he will be wanting to come on the honeymoon! Have you spoken to your partner about it? Because at the end of the day if someone is going to knock this on the head it will have to be him. What has been his take on it if you have spoken to him?

vincenzo1975

Tell your boyfreind that you caught dupree looking at your bum and oggling you when you were not looking, and you reckon he fancies you.

The human nature of jealousy will do the rest.

LegacyUser

I understand what you mean about the weekends away thing , but sometimes we go on weekends away that everyone and anyone can go on and sometimes we and another couple just like to go away for a weekend but the point is no matter what kind of weekend awat it is he will invite himself along ...
sometimes i just cant help getting annoyed with my partner over it cause he is his friend but i know its not fair to be annoyed with him ... its just an awkward situation but i cant help how i feel ...
i will def talk to my partner about getting him to at least ring before he calls over ...

Beruthiel

Mazeire wrote: »

but on a couples weekend away? Thats just bizarre!

I understood the 'couples' weekend away to be a bunch of couples, if it's just the two of them, and him, well, weird in the extreem!

How Strange

Beruthiel wrote: »

I understood the 'couples' weekend away to be a bunch of couples, if it's just the two of them, and him, well, weird in the extreem!

I took it to mean her, her fiance and the friend.

LegacyUser

It is weird and it is bizarre and some people even joke that he is obsessed with my partner !! But ... i think he looks up to him and they have known each other for years and my partner has always looked out for him as he got bullied a bit years ago in school ...
I have tried to talk to my partner about him but he gets defensive whenever i bring him up ...
The thing is I NO for a fact people think he is a bit weird and think our situation is weird but him and my partner and him very very good friends and they no each other far longer than my partner and i know each other ...
Im just a very conscious person and i dont want to come off as the bitch ....wimp i no ....

LegacyUser

How Strange wrote: »

I took it to mean her, her fiance and the friend.

The couples weekend - was say my sister and her boyfriend and me and my partner went for a weekend away ...
Its like he doesnt care about it being awkward and will just invite himself along ??? IN the end the weekend away gets cancelled or something cause i cant face him going ..

tk123

How Strange wrote: »

I took it to mean her, her fiance and the friend.

Yeah I took it to be the two of them and he tagged along. OP here are your options as I see them
- Tell your BF
- Do some matchmaking and find him a gf of his own
- Keep getting kissy/lovey with your BF and make Dupree uncomfortable

You don't want to crush the poor guy - as B says it wasn't nipped in the bud so he mightn't see the problem with it.

Mazeire

I took it to be you and your boyfriend. If it is you and other people then why is it awkward? surely if it is a group of friends going away then him coming along wouldn't be an issue?

LegacyUser

tk123 wrote: »

Yeah I took it to be the two of them and he tagged along. OP here are your options as I see them
- Tell your BF
- Do some matchmaking and find him a gf of his own
- Keep getting kissy/lovey with your BF and make Dupree uncomfortable

You don't want to crush the poor guy - as B says it wasn't nipped in the bud so he mightn't see the problem with it.

I was actually thinking of the GF option lately too... think ill give it a whirl ... but isnt just so freeking annoying to have to go to this length ????
Dupree ?? Uncomfortable ??? No chance ... believe me ...

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote: »

I took it to be you and your boyfriend. If it is you and other people then why is it awkward? surely if it is a group of friends going away then him coming along wouldn't be an issue?

As i said in previous a previous post , sometimes its a group (which i said is fine ) sometimes its not ... and for me , having my partners friend away for a weekend with me and my sisters bf IS too weird.

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote: »

I took it to be you and your boyfriend. If it is you and other people then why is it awkward? surely if it is a group of friends going away then him coming along wouldn't be an issue?

And just for the record ! Dupress wouldnt think twice about inviting himself on a weekend away with me and my partner either if he thought he would get away with it ... its just so weird , he never feels like he is going a little far inviting himself , its so weird i cant even explain it properly ,...

vincenzo1975

if he has never been told otherwise and welcomed along, why would he feel its weird, you need to take a stand on this and stop worrying about upsetting your boyfreind, it is not like you are telling them to stop being freinds, just that dupree needs to back off.

Dont feel sorry for this fella, if he has social problems, you are enabling his comfort zone and not helping him.

How Strange

tk123 wrote: »

Yeah I took it to be the two of them and he tagged along. OP here are your options as I see them
- Tell your BF
- Do some matchmaking and find him a gf of his own
- Keep getting kissy/lovey with your BF and make Dupree uncomfortable

You don't want to crush the poor guy - as B says it wasn't nipped in the bud so he mightn't see the problem with it.

Honestly, this type of subterfuge is just ridiculous. Talk to your fiance and sort it out. Afterall, you are intending to spend the rest of your lives together sorting out problems as they arise so start here with this one.

Mazeire

Ok. Can I ask a couple of questions OP just to clarify things?

1. Have the other people on these trips expressed a problem with him coming along? If they have what has been their problem?

2. Does himself know the other people on these trips (say like your sister and her b/f) or just you and your b/f?

3. How does he behave on these weekends away?

4. I would have called you your boyfriend and your sister and her boyfriend a group of friends. What would you call yourselves? (Not an attack OP its just you seem to see this differently and i'm just curious on your view of things)

5. You say he invites himself. Explain does he just show up or does he say this to your boyfriend?

LegacyUser

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

if he has never been told otherwise and welcomed along, why would he feel its weird, you need to take a stand on this and stop worrying about upsetting your boyfreind, it is not like you are telling them to stop being freinds, just that dupree needs to back off.

Dont feel sorry for this fella, if he has social problems, you are enabling his comfort zone and not helping him.

Your right , he has been always welcomed along cause everyone always ends up feeling sorry for him - well not only that i mean we do have a bot of a laugh with him too ...
ill have the talk with my partner so ....

AngryBadger

I don't think it's a good idea to try and set him up with someone, if it doesn't work out you could be inviting more trouble, and to be frank I would see him having a girlfriend as the perfect excuse for him to socialise with you two even more, but now as part of his own couple.

I don't understand why your partner gets defensive when you try to bring it up. From what you're saying here his mate needs to cop on and grow up. But your partners defensiveness I don't understand, are there any other angles to this situation?

How frequently are we talking here? I mean if himself and your partner are good friends you cant' really expect him to just dissolve that friendship.

If the guy is hi-jacking every weekend away, and if he's calling to your house 4/5 nights of the week then your partner needs to have a word with him.

however, if we're talking about him calling over maybe once or twice in the week, and turning up for the occasional weekend awya, well then maybe you're being a bit selfished with yoru partner? Which is maybe why he gets defensive when you bring it up?

I'm not saying I think that's the case, just speculating.

rusalka

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I think you sound like a really nice, understanding person - I think many people would go off the deep end with their fiances in the same circumstances.

This guy might be a bit lonely, and while it's admirable that your fiance and yourself graciously include him in your social activities, someone has to make it clear to him that you sometimes need a little "couples down-time", and at these times it's not appropriate for him to tag along. Surely he could understand this if someone spoke to him gently but directly?

The other thing that I was wondering is: why do you tell him when you book a weekend away? Why not keep schtum, then just let on you got a last minute cheapy, and you're heading off for the weekend? He's a grown man - he'll have to get used to standing on his own two feet at some stage. Using you guys as a social crutch is not going to encourage him to get up and get out there and make his own/other friends.

Supposing you have a few children a couple of years down the line? You'll DEFINITELY not have much time for him to be hanging around waiting for you to entertain him, and you'll DEFINITELY value every precious second of "couples alone-time" you can get. It's probably better to ease things back to a more acceptable level starting now, so that as you develop and grow closer as a couple/family, he's not left reeling in shock and utterly alone when you simply HAVE to say 'No' to him sometimes.

I feel for you - we have one or two buddies in similar circumstances who were starting to monopolise all our free time together, but we found being direct was the best - we just tell them we're having some quiet time (my husband tells them we're having a love-in!:rolleyes:), and be firm. If he calls around, tell him you have other plans/are going out, but arrange another time to see him so he doesn't feel completely cut off.

Best of luck!

dobsdave

Has your boyfriend not said anything to you about this?
If my mate was constantly tagging along on weekends away with me and my Girlfriend, he'd soon know it's two's company three is a crowd.

Mazeire

dobsdave wrote: »

Has your boyfriend not said anything to you about this?
If my mate was constantly tagging along on weekends away with me and my Girlfriend, he'd soon know it's two's company three is a crowd.

Read the thread again lads. It's not just the two of them.

chris_oc

Jesus he sounds like shaun's friend from "Shaun of the dead"!!lol!
TBH i feel really sorry for the lad..
Find him a girl. Best answer to the situation and no, as someone previously stated, dont tell your boyfriend that you caught him perving on you. thats just plain mean...
breaking up a friendship with a guy who sounds like he's had more than enough blows to his self esteem doesn't seem to nice does it??
whoever wrote that sounds like a really friendly person who has a real big heart:rolleyes:.......

dobsdave

Mazeire wrote: »

Read the thread again lads. It's not just the two of them.

Point remains the same, boyfriend needs to give the mate a reality check.

Mazeire

dobsdave wrote: »

Point remains the same, boyfriend needs to give the mate a reality check.

What? This guys company becomes substandard and its not ok for him to go away with friends who are in couples because he isn't part of one?
Why?

tbh

+1 for the sentiments being expressed that ye sound like a sound couple. However, you are not being unreasonable in expecting your boyfriend to say "sorry man" to his mate every once in a while, and I'm guessing that's really all you wanted from this thread, right? Talk to your boyfriend, explain that you want him all to yourself every now and again, and be sensitive about his mate, but firm.

Miss Fluff

I was in a situation like this before. My BF at the time was from the UK, as was my Dupree, and what did Dupree do? He missed my BF so much that he only fupping well followed us and moved to Dublin too!!:eek::eek:Seriously, it was a complete and utter head wreck. You have to discuss this with your fiancee. It is then up to him to have very clearly boundaries as to what constitutes as "buddy time" and "lover time". He doesn't have to be nasty, you don't need to fall out about it but he just needs to assert himself very clearly that you need very definite couple time. Make sure you give THEM time on their own too. Is there a possibility that you and your partner are living in one another's pockets so it is inevitable that it will ALWAYS be the three of you? If so, make sure then that your partner allots an acceptable amount of bloke time to his mate. All I would advise is just nip this in the bud now, it won't improve. And btw, its not up to you to "find" this bloke a chick, then you'll be tortured with double dates I should imagine!!:eek:

r3nu4l

workinggirl007 wrote: »

Hi Everyone...
he invites himself around to the house unannounced , invites himself to dinner and lunches and even couples weekends away ... i cant mention anything around him cause he just tags along everywhere..

Workinggirl007, you can put a stop to this 'unannounced calling over'. Just tell him that you'd prefer if he called or rang before he came around. That way you can put him off if necessary by saying, "Now's not a good time" or "Call around tomorrow".

If he calls around anyway, just say "sorry now's really not a good time, I'll see you tomorrow" and close the door. End Of Story. Sometimes you have to be cruel.

Before you do this chat with your bf! Explain why you feel this is a problem (without getting excited!) and ask him if he can see your point. Explain that you aren't asking him to 'dump his mates' for you. Tell him that you'd like the two of you to become a proper 'family unit' when married and that this mate of his is not your child!

kmick

The guy obviously needs his own girlfriend. Hook him up with a 'suitably matched' friend or encourage him to try internet dating or something.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone

thanks so much for the comments , really do appreciate them. I will talk to bf and see what happens , i no im making it worse by saying nothing , thanks for the ideas on how to approach this ....

Overheal

workinggirl007 wrote: »

Hi Everyone...
I suppose this is a sensitive subject and i dont want to come across as being the baddie in this scenario .. i want first of all ,before any of you make any judgments to put yourselves in my shoes first then see how you feel ..
Im in a very loving relationship , getting married later in the year to a man i no is my soul mate and my complete other half . we love spending time together and get on great but ...... my partner has a friend. This guy is nice but doesnt always come across as the full shilling , but he is completely harmless ...unfortunately though... he invites himself around to the house unannounced , invites himself to dinner and lunches and even couples weekends away ... i cant mention anything around him cause he just tags along everywhere.. sometimes i feel sorry for him as he is over weight and has never had a girlfriend but is this gonna be it for the rest of my life having him constantly involved in our lives ? When we got engaged ( although it was a joke ) someone sent an engagement card to the THREE of us ? They call us you me and dupree all the time and i guess i just wanted to vent about it really .... ultimately i no i cant really change this scenario but opinions on this would be great ...

That does sound extreme, between the actual nickname and the cards. Have a talk with your fiance anyway, but Id advise it has to be brought up with Dupree at some stage. Theres a hundred ways to go about it.

When you say you and your fiance are getting away for a weekend for instance, do either of you ever emphasize Just the Two of You?

Theres no need to make him feel uncomfortable. If anything you can convey what he is missing though. If he longs for his own partner in any way he would come to understand the ins and outs of Alone Time and the importance of intimacy. One or both of you can convey this. Preferably your fiance, whom would tell him such things in confidence. Things like how great it is to have you, love you etc. Subtlety is your friend here and with enough of it he will get the conclusion on his own that he should find his own way.

rainbowtrout

Mazeire wrote: »

What? This guys company becomes substandard and its not ok for him to go away with friends who are in couples because he isn't part of one?
Why?

My take on this - the OP may or may not agree - is the following scenario may have occurred on some previous couples weekend.

Two couples go away for the weekend, spend some of their time as a group of four and spend some of their time alone as two separate couples. Second part of that scenario cannot happen if Dupree is along for the weekend. I imagine the group thing is fine, but if the couples want to spend time alone, one of them will have to 'babysit' Dupree so he won't be left on his own. And then the resentment builds not because they are spending time with a friend which would be ok in a normal situation, but because they are not able to spend some time alone on a much anticipated weekend away alone.


I agree with a lot of what was already said OP, time to start telling this guy to ring before calling round, you are entitled to some time on your own as a couple

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote: »

What? This guys company becomes substandard and its not ok for him to go away with friends who are in couples because he isn't part of one?
Why?

Mazeire , i feel like your twisting what this thread is about . No body said anything or IMPLIED that his company is , as you so politely point out , Substandard .
Im not going to justify wanting to go away for a weekend with my partner and my sister and her boyfriend , dupree doesnt even no my sister that well . The point im making is it doesnt matter if its me or my partner , me my parter and one other couple or a big group of us ... he is always wanting to tag along .