any advice on finding new friends/relationship

sarahsarah

My life has changed a lot in the last 2 or so years. I always had plenty of friends but now I find myself alone most of the time. I was very ill a couple of years ago and kind of lost touch with a good few people. I was in a lot of pain at the time and that, coupled with a few personal issues led me to have a nervous breakdown. It was a pretty intense time and its still quite painful for me to think about.
I think it was hard for quite a few of my friends to deal with me when I was in that state as I was always crying . All of this stuff meant that my life was very restricted and I isolated myself a lot from my friends. Everyones life naturally moved on and thats grand its just now i find myself without really anyone to socialise with or meet people with or try new things with etc

A couple of things have happened in the last few wks that have hurt a bit - 1.I was told I don't have a life, 2. I was told to get out of my house more & I realised I have nowhere to go and no one really to do anything with 3. I realised I have no one to go on holidays with (this probably sounds ridiculous but its just that someone asked me what were my holiday plans for this year and it got me thinking about it)
Some days I feel that I've nothing to look forward to and that scares me. I don't want my best days to be in the past. I want to have people to hang out with again and hopefully a new boyfriend as some stage.
Anyway, i was just wondering would anyone have any ideas how I could start to get myself back out there [in my mid 30's & female]. Most of my old friends are married or close to it. The girls I know that are still single are pretty heavy boozers and I'm not really into that - the odd time its grand but not all every weekend. (Apart from anything else I can't afford the same lifestyle as them as am unemployed due to an ongoing illness]
any suggestions would be really appreciated

stts

Just want to say that i am in the same situation as you(33 male single) just joined a dating website to see what happens, sick of being in the pub all weekend............must be more to life,i wish you all the best........i am sure there are a lot of people like us out there,chin up and keep the faith.

smiler26

+1 Exact same situation

sarahsarah

hi smiler and stts - it sucks doesn't it. Doesn't seem like anyone has any suggestions.

Mazeire

Hi sarah, sorry to hear things are rough at the moment. I knw that it sounds like a cliche but going to clubs and classes and stuff are a great way of meeting new people. Also, you could always go on holidays on your own and check in to a hostel. Good way to meet people and you'll definately get some stories out of it. I understand what you are saying about your friends being boozers but do you feel you could go out with them and enjoy their company and just not drink yourself?

How Strange

sarahsarah wrote: »

A couple of things have happened in the last few wks that have hurt a bit - 1.I was told I don't have a life, 2. I was told to get out of my house more & I realised I have nowhere to go and no one really to do anythingwith

Were these said intentionally to hurt you or by someone who wanted to shock you into getting out and about a bit more?

3. I realised I have no one to go on holidays with (this probably sounds ridiculous but its just that someone asked me what were my holiday plans for this year and it got me thinking about it)

Well why not plan something for yourself? Either travel somewhere nice on your own or if that is too daunting for you then go with a travel company which specialises in group travel. The majority of the groups are usually made up of single people. I know if exodus and explore but there are so many more. Most of them are based in UK but there are a couple of Irish companies doing the same which works out cheaper for you rather than paying in GBP.

Some days I feel that I've nothing to look forward to and that scares me. I don't want my best days to be in the past. I want to have people to hang out with again and hopefully a new boyfriend as some stage. Anyway, i was just wondering would anyone have any ideas how I could start to get myself back out there [in my mid 30's & female].

It's a vicious circle because if feel defeatist in your day to day outlook then you aren't going to push yourself out there and force yourself beyond your comfort zone to meet new people and do new things. Get off your ass and start a course, volunteer your time for some of the many charities that are screaming out for help. In fact do anything at all.
Yes it's tough especially if life isn't panning out the way you thought it would but sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn't the answer. This is your life right here and now so start looking for ways to improve it and make it better for you.

Most of my old friends are married or close to it. The girls I know that are still single are pretty heavy boozers and I'm not really into that - the odd time its grand but not all every weekend.

Yes, excessive drinking as a past time wouldn't be the best thing.
I'd say volunteer your time. Look up Simon, SVdP, the Samaritans, your local animal rescue centre (if you like pets). Take up swimming, go for a walk in a park or by a river every day. Take up a day or evening class in something creative that you've always been interested in but never pursued.
Start filling your days with things to do and you'll find that your attitude will start to improve. Life won't seem as black.

Drift

I know it's cliche but something like dancing classes might be a good idea. They're social, relatively cheap and also a good place to meet singles.

LOLA08

I to am in the same situation, don't often reply to posts but this has me thinking, there seems to be a lot of people in this situation in there mid- 30s, most of there mates have married etc. and heavy drinking seems to be the main way of socializing. I suggest you should try get a job, even if its part time. join a club anything that you might be interested in. Focus on the positive and look forward to the furture. you are not alone

smiler26

Sounds like it's a common issue alright. I have to admit, I find joining clubs etc a really tough thing to do... I just can;t seem to bring myself to doing it.

I actually applied to be a Samaritan before Christmas, but I never had a response.... I think I'd also be too mortified to go on holidays on my own. God, I'm really down about it today for some reason, so apologies in advance if I sound negative.

otwb

smiler26 wrote: »

Sounds like it's a common issue alright. I have to admit, I find joining clubs etc a really tough thing to do... I just can;t seem to bring myself to doing it.

31, nine months out of a nine year relationship. All my friends went and got married while my back was turned......Do not be afraid to join a club. Sure, the first session is as scary as hell. Week 2 you know someones face and can say hi...by week 4 you know a couple of names and can chat to people. I've found that the reason a lot of people join clubs is because they are single, people will not turn around and stare at you when you walk in the door because everyone there also had a first day.

I joined a walking club, first day out was meeting strangers outside a pub in the middle of wicklow, the hardest thing is saying hello...just give it a go. And if you don't like it then you need never see these people again:)

Clare Bear

Sarah, are you in Dublin? There's been a few threads like this in the Ladies Lounge on here (under Rec), lots of the girls have met up for coffee, drinks, cinema etc and some of us have become very good friends if you want to pop on there and suss it out.

How Strange

otwb wrote: »

I joined a walking club, first day out was meeting strangers outside a pub in the middle of wicklow, the hardest thing is saying hello...just give it a go. And if you don't like it then you need never see these people again:)

+1
I also notice how some people look bad tempered and moody when you initially meet in a class/club scenario but after a while you realise that they were just as nervous as you and once they relax they are usually very nice people.

IMO, your quality of life depends on your attitude. Sitting around, feeling sorry for yourself and expecting people to come to you means you'll feel like sh1t, have no confidence and start to get bitter thinking the world owes you something.

The people I admire the most are the ones who've been sh1t on from such a great height that they should just curl up and die but they dust themselves off and continue on living their life and smiling through everyday. They just refuse to give up.

sillymoo2007

I'm in the same boat too at 30. Have moved to a new place for work and dont really know anybody apart from work people, most of them are early twenties. I also joined a few dating sites just to meet new friends in my area or possibly that somebody special.

I think sometimes though that the situation some of the posters and myself find ourselves in is not just a confidence thing in gettin out there but fall into a routine of being quite happy going to work, coming home from work, having something to eat, watch tv, go to bed and the same cycle starts again untill the weekend.

ang

I am in the same boat too. Thought I was the only one, sometimes it feels like I am. I just turned 30 and it feels horrible. All my friends are married/in relationships/have kids. I have no luck with guys. I would love to meet somebody, I am panicking a bit now that I am 30, don't want to be single forever. I miss going out every weekend, my friends don't go out that much anymore. I am shy so I find it very hard to make new friends. Feel like my life is going nowhere.

SW81

Pop over to the Ladies Lounge forum girls. There's a meet up on Friday night, lots of newbies like yourselves if you're in Dublin.

kjt

If all you guys live close enough you could organise a meetup some weekend. Head out for a walk in the park or something similar.

Just an idea

lonely heart

Hi there,

Same situation. mid 30's, friends all drink, not interested in clubs, but do like the vibe of some of the pubs in town, its more the vibe though.

Can I ask about the walking club in Wicklow that someone mentioned. I would love to join that. Went walking in Wicklow on Sat and was just thinking that I would love to join a walking group?

Cheers:):):):)

LOLA08

Hey i use to be in a hillwalking club www.glenwalk.com
It just wasnt for me but sounds like you would enjoy it.
lots of people all different age groups, & they have social
nights out as well.

andreac

which irish dating sites are good? im out of a 7yr relationship recently too and would be open for trying them out. like that i dont go out drinking much at the weekends and would be nice to meet someone through a different avenue. thanks

justsomebloke

SW81 wrote: »

Pop over to the Ladies Lounge forum girls. There's a meet up on Friday night, lots of newbies like yourselves if you're in Dublin.

ye there is a beers this friday and there seems to be a lot of new people going, so a lot of people will be in the same boat of not knowing other people, so you could pop along

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055244107

LegacyUser

It might seem like a bit of a dark tunnel at the moment but with a bit of work you will find a light.

I know a lot of people don't like setting "goals" but getting some sort of a plan together what you want to do or where you want to be in the next 5 years is a very good starting point to give you a basic of idea of where to start.

Maybe you might like to do a course in something? you learn something will meet others it gets you used to talking to new people and maybe start to build your social network.

The hillwalking is a fantastic idea most clubs are very friendly and have beginner walks every sunday you will find plenty of them online, here you can have a nice walk (keeping fit) and again meet people and talking to new people also helping extend the social circle.

You could do some volunteer work, for example camara.ie refurbish pc's and send them off to places in africa you don't need any expirience so you could learn another skill here (being IT) meet loads of friendly people and a hell of a lot of single popele.

There's so much out there you just have to push through any fears you might have and before you know it you'll be in full swing.

Hope it goes well.

pearlygate

op, you are not on your now. I am also looking at all my friends moving on with their lives and wonder what the next turn has in store for me! I am in the munster region and find the pub and club thing a bit boring. let us know when you find the secret to success!!!

JuliusCaesar

pearlygate wrote: »

let us know when you find the secret to success!!!

http://newintown.meetup.com/662/

There are lots of different meet ups in different cities all over the world. This one is for Dublin for people who are new to dublin or are dubliners. They organise a lot of different activities, but also have specialised groups - film fans, nightclubbers, knitters, meditators, book clubs, naturists etc etc.... But they are generally very friendly. Don't have any connection with them but my friend goes & has great craic.